Am I over reacting ? How should I react?

[ShannDX]

I have been with my partner just over a year now. I have a daughter from a previous relationship but there have never been any problems concerning him and her.

My partner hasn't received benifits or worked for over a year now and he doesn't have a great family so I have to pay for him to live. There has been previous DV issues with him but he is controling his anger now and is about to do a purpotraitor course. He finally sorted his benifits out a few weeks ago but put it in his mates account and his mate took it off him, so guess who had to fund his life again ? Me. I can cope with all this as long as he is sorting his life out. He has to do community service now for something stupid he did when we were on a break, I left him £6 downstairs for his bus money. I knew I had £2 in the house for my bus fare in the morning to get my daughter to nursery while I do a DV course in a different town. It's not as simple for me to just be able to walk places because I am disabled and struggle getting about. Just as im about to run out the door for the bus my change isn't there. So I asked him and he said he took it to get a drink and a sausage roll on his lunch. Now im fuming, I pay for everything I do everything for him I organise his stuff, but he is taking more than im giving. It ended up me having to get a taxi to the next town with my daughter for £23 because I was late getting to the bus after having to get cash out. I wouldn't mind but there is packed lunch stuff he could have had. It's not about the money, more so stealing change after im alredy paying for every part of his life. I had to have a chat with him yesterday about showering more because he stopped, and sorting out a place to live with he knows he has to do anyway I told him months ago he can't stay hear as I don't want him at mine untill I know he's never going to lash out again. I feel like in over reacting because it's £2 but it's not about the money it's about the lack of respect especially since I have to do everything for him. Someone help me please because I don't know what to do or say when he is home ?

TIA Doormat mummy

Your say that you have to pay for him. You do not.

I'm struggling to see what you get from this relationship and think that your standards are far too low.

Stop being a doormat and dump him.

OP, of course you're not over-reacting.

How should you react? By throwing his sorry arse out of the door and telling him never to contact you again!

Why are you with this loser? This violent, lazy, sponging cocklodger?

Has he been violent to you, or an ex? Why did he put his benefits n a mate's account?? Why is he living with you, and why on earth are you finding his life? Just stop. Ask him to move out - NOW. It doesn't matter if he has nowhere to go. That's not your problem.

You say there's no problem with your dd and this twat - but you are modelling to your dd how a relationship should be! Do you want her in a relationship like that when she's older?

I suggest you do the Freedom Programme so you get a better idea of what a healthy relationship should look like.

Wtf? He’s violent, doesn’t pay his way and steals from you. Why on Earth are you with him?

Think of your child for goodness sake.

Why did he have benefits paid into mates account

He's just a violent cocklodger! Kick him to the kerb!!!

Why is he living with you at all?

And you honestly believe his mate stole his benefits?

Your poor DD.
What an awful person to have in her life as a male role model.
Please think of her.
If she was with someone like this in later life, what would you say?
Get him gone.
He's a violent, abusive, nasty, bullying, cunting, asshole!!!!

Please call Womens Aid as a matter of urgency - 0808 2000 247
Keep trying until you get through.
This is no way for you or your DD to live.
Time to take back control of life and protect your poor DD from this nasty man!!!!!!

Its threads like this why prople think single mothers shouldnt date. putting a man before your kid, not good!

I pay for everything I do everything for him I organise his stuff

STOP IT. No-one is making you do this!!!

Dump him. He sounds like a nightmare.

Why would he put his money in his mates account?

Your poor DD.
You make choices for yourself that have a massive impact on your daughter. Get rid.
Him taking £fucking2 isn’t the problem.

My problem is I haven't been disabled my whole life. There was an incident in the first month of me seeing him, unrelated to him and since then I have been in and out of hospitals, given a walking stick and told I won't get better. And every bit of the way he was by my side, I told him I understand if he wanted to leave because in not the same person he met and he still stuck by me. He helped me with my daughter he would hold my hair if I was sick, and there was alot of that. If I can't make it to a shop he will go for me. I have short term memory loss from it as well and he will make sure I remember that im cooking or will make sure the ovens off afterwards incase I forgot or will be patient when I can't remember the end of my sentences. I don't have any friends, and my family live in the next town from me so they can't help as much as they would like too. And he is trying to turn his life back round, it's just a very slow and dragging process at the moment.

But your dd is growing up in a a violent household.

He is not the only way to access support.

What do you get out of this so called relationship?. He has no intention of turning his life around, what makes you think that at all.

How did you meet each other?. It was a sad day for your DD in particular when you did.

The man you are with is about to do a perp course for domestic violence. You are also on a DV course in a different town. Why are you together at all. How do you see you future with this man?. Your family are in the next town; where are they here or is he keeping them away from you?.

He targeted you and deliberately so because you are vulnerable both physically and mentally. He is truly the lowest of the low in terms of men.

To anybody that's saying im not thinking of my child is very wrong.
I have done everything to ensure I protect her.
She has never witnessed seen or heard anything, I only let him in the house after her bed time and he has to leave before she wakes up.

I have a domestic violence worker and a social worker who have both agreed that I do protect my child and I do take the necessary steps to protect her.

I go on a course once a week to learn how to handle abusive behaviours and he is also about to do one on how to manage his behaviours.

She doesn't see his face and hasn't done for a few months now because I won't allow it. And even when she did nothing would ever happen when she was at home.
I tried to leave and it got worse, we had a long break and he started to realise what had been done and how he acted, we then got back together after getting advice off my domestic violence worker on how to manage it. Her and the social worker both agreed that his behaviour is treatable and if I kept them up to speed with things going on then it shows I was taking the correct steps.

Im open to to advice, if you want to suggest for me to leave go for it I won't take offence. But to sit there and judge me isn't the right way to go about it. It took me a while to even pluck up the courage to post. No wonder women stay in these relationships when the women decide to judge rather than listen.

Why are you enabling him like you are?. Have you always done this in relationships?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What do you want to teach her about relationships and what is your DD is learning about relationships from you both here?.

No no no no no!

Please re-read your first post, he fits a lot of bad cock lodger criteria.

He's a violent man, who apparently "has got help"

He can't even be covered to sort out his own benefits, because you will use your daughters money on him! What kind of man would happily take money from a single mother, knowing that could be spent on a child!

He hasn't worked and does not ever intend to! Men like him find a vulnerable lady and ring them dry of their money and their mental health.

Please do better for your child, don't become another sad statistic.

I only let him in the house after her bed time and he has to leave before she wakes up.

So he doesn't actually live with you? Thank God for that. Stop letting him in.

You do not have to pay for him. He's getting benefits, but you haven't explained why he gives them to a friend? What is all that about?

You're asking for help, then disagreeing with everyone (EVERYONE) who is saying leave him, he is not good for you in any way, shape or form.

Just read your last post, you say she's never seen heard anything, but surely if there is anything for her to see or hear, you should just walk away! This is not healthy for anyone. Children are not silly, they are very good at picking up on things & she must know you sneak him in at night, it must be very scary for her, :(

Besides gathering food from a shop, and being nice to you at your lowest point (which even strangers would do in someone's hour of need), what else does he bring to this relationship?

Such courses for violent men have a very low success rate and the probability is that he will be violent again towards you. These courses can actually teach men how to better cover their tracks in future. Such men too hate women, all of them.

Your DD may not have heard or seen anything but she sure has seen the aftermath and your reactions both spoken and unspoken to him when he is in your home. Why are you thinking that this person is really trying to turn his life around, all he has done since he has been in your life is give you money problems and other miseries. He really does see you as a soft touch.

I think that both your social worker and domestic violence worker need to be reassigned.

I go on a course once a week to learn how to handle abusive behaviours
Oh deary me!
I really have no words!!!!

He put money in his friends account because he has no account as of yet.

He doesn't keep me from my family I live in a different town to them because I was taped in my home town and couldn't deal with it so I moved a few years ago.

He doesn't keep from friends I don't have any because my 2 best mates stole 200 quid off me. And my other mates didn't like the fact I couldn't keep up any more with going out.

I know he is turning his life around because of the things he is doing and his support worker (that he asked for himself) keeps me posted on what's happening.
My DD is 2 and a half, she hasn't seen him for a good while and she won't see him unless he sorts himself out if he doesn't then he is gone and he knows that so she isn't in a violent house hold, infact the last violent incident was 5 months ago that doesn't make it any better but I won't tolerate violence any more if there were to be another incident he would be gone.

The support worker and dv worker need a good kick up the arse then sacking.

You should not be with him op. He will negatively affect your dd's life.

Can you not see how utterly, totally insane it is to be with someone you can't have around your child?!

He's a loser, a wrong'un. I know it's not easy but please take a deep breath and end it with him.