Am I over reacting ? How should I react?

[ShannDX]

I have been with my partner just over a year now. I have a daughter from a previous relationship but there have never been any problems concerning him and her.

My partner hasn't received benifits or worked for over a year now and he doesn't have a great family so I have to pay for him to live. There has been previous DV issues with him but he is controling his anger now and is about to do a purpotraitor course. He finally sorted his benifits out a few weeks ago but put it in his mates account and his mate took it off him, so guess who had to fund his life again ? Me. I can cope with all this as long as he is sorting his life out. He has to do community service now for something stupid he did when we were on a break, I left him £6 downstairs for his bus money. I knew I had £2 in the house for my bus fare in the morning to get my daughter to nursery while I do a DV course in a different town. It's not as simple for me to just be able to walk places because I am disabled and struggle getting about. Just as im about to run out the door for the bus my change isn't there. So I asked him and he said he took it to get a drink and a sausage roll on his lunch. Now im fuming, I pay for everything I do everything for him I organise his stuff, but he is taking more than im giving. It ended up me having to get a taxi to the next town with my daughter for £23 because I was late getting to the bus after having to get cash out. I wouldn't mind but there is packed lunch stuff he could have had. It's not about the money, more so stealing change after im alredy paying for every part of his life. I had to have a chat with him yesterday about showering more because he stopped, and sorting out a place to live with he knows he has to do anyway I told him months ago he can't stay hear as I don't want him at mine untill I know he's never going to lash out again. I feel like in over reacting because it's £2 but it's not about the money it's about the lack of respect especially since I have to do everything for him. Someone help me please because I don't know what to do or say when he is home ?

TIA Doormat mummy

No one remotely sensible would hear this unemployed convicted criminal who can’t even open his own bank account bragging about being forcibly removed from his girlfriend’s house by the police (for the second? Third? Fourth time?) like it’s all bare bantz and think she was the pathetic ridiculous one. NO ONE.

@ShannDX I don't think you are weak. I don't think you're pathetic. I think you're strong and brave.

And this, in tome, will make you even stronger.

You will NOT be a laughing stock.

And quite frankly, if you live somewhere where people think it's funny that an abused woman needs to call the police in her own home for protection, then they're all dreadful people too.

He's been, and still is, gaslighting you. He's pulling out all of the stops now.

He is ‘forced teaming’ you op, by saying ‘don’t do this to us’. He is trying to gaslight you into thinking that your best interests and his best interests are aligned, like you are on the same side. You know that this is not the case. He steals from you and lies to you and calls you names and laughs at you. He is not on your side. There is no ‘us’.

No one will laugh at you. Seriously. You have done really well.

Thank you so so much for all the support. I couldn't have got through this with out any of you. It may have seemed like a pointless thread about £2 but that was just the last straw to a heap of problems. With out this thread I would have given up hours ago like I always do because he always gets the upper hand and I always start doubting myself or believing the same stories, this thread has kept me brave and strong throughout. I got upset with the judgement at first but I do think I needed to hear some of that to realise the bigger picture domestic violence is a very sensitive issue, and sometimes constructive criticism can go the wrong way and send people spiraling. With this thread I didn't feel so alone, and I didn't feel crazy because I had confirmation that the behaviour was not normal. Im going to ensure I stick to it along with my DV worker but I will talk about changing social workers because I don't feel she cares much for what happens. This is usually where The hard part is because when we broke up last time he stalked, bullied, and threatens me constantly but i will ensure this time police reports are put in and numbers are blocked. Thankyou for reporting messages before I could see them because it would have put me down a hell of alot. You are all amazing human beings and I appreciate every one of you and what you have done to help me tonight. Im going to make some happy memories with my daughter now many try and leave the house a bit more, try to make some friends because I haven't seen anyone but family for 6 months. He has left my house, and im feeling pretty drained but I did it and he's gone, my doors are now locked. Thanks again.

Op! Have a lovely sit down and enjoy your quiet and freedom!

When does your dd come back?

OMG OP I am so happy for you, and so full of admiration! You are awesome and will continue to be so, I'm sure. Remember - there is no going back. Block him, delete him, do not listen to a word he says, however he manages to say it to you, do not engage with him in any way at all. It is you and your DD now and you will be so happy

And yes, I'd change your social worker. She has very odd tolerance of his his behaviour! A new start, it's maybe a little scary but way less scary than what you were facing and exciting!

Well done! You've been really brave and you and your daughter can start to blossom out of his depressing shadow. There will probably be difficult days ahead but you know you can come here for honest support.

I’m glad he’s gone and yes to all of those things you are going to do

I think with some social workers it’s difficult when things appear to be going in the direction they advised but really in reality he isn’t going in a forward direction - not really and he’s kidding himself and everyone else about it too.

It wasn't just £2 if you didn't have any other money, so it's not a small thing.

Where does he live ordinarily, or does he live with you pretty much full time? Also, you mention benefits, is he getting carers allowance for you?
Does he have a key? I think you need to maybe contact the police and women's aid, get your locks changed and get some safety in place for when he shows up again.

Another thing, he didn't make you a laughing stock of the town, he's just convinced you of that. There's no way any decent person would see this no good person and laugh at you for calling the police on him. Anyone who would laugh at you isn't worth bothering about anyway.

But you really need to get rid of him. You're worth so much more, you just haven't realised it.
And yes to getting a new social worker, this one needs firing IMO, absolutely damaging advice to you.

Well done.

I suspect he’ll try to grind you down as you’ve been his meal ticket. Please try to think about the tactics he’ll use to wheedle his way back in and what you can do to counter them.

Well done, OP! Stay strong. Can you maybe go and stay with your mum for a few days?

You are amazing! You’ve put you and yours first, in the face of an abusive horrible man. Be proud of yourself, because it is not easy to do.

Shann, i have just read through all your thread, and i am so proud of you taking these steps.

He sounds like a horrible, pathetic, bullying excuse for a man. You are infinitely better than him, and you and your DD can manage without him.

Thank you every one.

My daughter comes back after nursery tomorrow so in looking forward to cuddles and movies tomorrow night.

He doesn't have a home he use to but then he lived with me for a bit then we went on a break but since then he stayed at mine a few nights a week more so when DD wasn't hear and then at mates houses despite me telling him he needs to find a place for himself. He doesn't claim carers for me or have any joint money with me.
I had my locks changed the last time I left him and since then my keys have always been on me so they won't have been copied.

I will however talk to my domestic violence worker on safety planing now the relationship has ended.

I have already spoken to my mum and she's going to come round a bit more and help me do my shopping and get my bins out and anything else I need assistance with. She also said she'd do things with me and help me through so he doesn't work his way back in.

The text messages have been flooding through but I have blocked the number now.
Thank you

Well done
You should be very very proud of yourself for standing up to this awful bully and if your daughter was old enough to understand I bet she would be proud of you too.
Please try and stay strong

@ShannDX maybe you should inform the police of the situation and the fact that he may cause trouble. I think they'll probably put you on some kind of quick response list, others may know more.

@fifithefoof thank you, I will be doing that tomorow, they put a marker on my property because of it previously so I'll asked them to put one back on for a bit.

OP well done! It's great that your mum is going to come round and help out too. You will have a bright and happy future with your daughter and without this violent and useless man.

Well done OP. I am glad you can see we all just want to help you.

You are worth so much more than him. Your dd is worth so much more than him. You are amazing!

Well done!!!

You are strong

I can see very clearly that you don’t think of yourself as strong, or having any power, or being in charge of your own life, but you are ALL of those things!

You need to stop running yourself down all the time, the language you use about yourself is really negative, and I bet that’s how you think in your head all the time too?

You doubt yourself all the time, call yourself weak, or say you think your ideas or actions are stupid or weak or you know it looks pointless etc etc etc. You don’t believe in yourself very much, but you’ve done lots of really tough and amazing things. And I think you need to stop being so hard on yourself. Tell yourself that you’re doing well for a change! That you’re proud of yourself! That you’re a good person and a good mum. And that you’re too good for such a man as your ex, who sees you as a weak and vulnerable mark he can bully and dominate... or, he used to see you as that, he’s had rather a shock as you’re showing him you are so much more than his small judgement of you!

As I know you’re aware, that means he could be trouble for the next couple of weeks, as he tries to get you back under his control. But if you stay strong and don’t give him an ‘in’, he’ll get bored and toddle off to someone else easier to get stuff out of.

Then you are free to concentrate on getting your head back on straight

Living with, or just being with someone who is just using you and abusing you all the time, well it drains you of self esteem and confidence. So you lose any sense of loving yourself at all, and a strong sense of belief that you can cope well with life. Really, you lose your sense of direction, your inner compass, because you become so focused on the abuser.

By the way, about your disability - do you still need help? Do you need a carer? I got stuck with my abusive husband when I became suddenly disabled because I had to rely on him to help me. I found children’s services completely awful in that respect, they failed to understand the situation and even when I explained that I was relying on him to help me wash etc, they just told me breezily that I’d cope if I really wanted to and everyone used excuses like that!!! They then also threatened to take my ds into care if they heard another report of violence from this house again, effectively cutting off any ability for me to get help if he hurt me again. And that was it! They completely failed to mention that there was help available from adult social services and they could help with carers so I didn’t have to rely on a horribly abusive man to give ‘care’ (when and if he felt like it)... I discovered this many months later, and it was the main thing that enabled me to get away from my abuser.

So, what I’m trying to say is that ss don’t always give you the right information, and that if you are still physically struggling, you may be able to get help via adult social services.

First, well done, OP. ou have been strong and have done the right thing for you and your little girl.

But I was absolutely shocked at this:

I have a domestic violence worker and a social worker who have both agreed that I do protect my child and I do take the necessary steps to protect her.

I go on a course once a week to learn how to handle abusive behaviours and he is also about to do one on how to manage his behaviours.

She doesn't see his face and hasn't done for a few months now because I won't allow it

None of this is normal in the slightest. Most women do not need a social worker or a DV worker.

As for going on a course to learn how to handle abusive behaviour - well, words fail me. The social worker should be telling you to get out of the relationship, not helping you enable a violent man!

PLEASE do the Freedom Programme so you can make a better choice in your next relationship.

Keep strong. Block all his numbers and contact the police if he tries to contact you again.

Oh OP - you've come such a long way in such a short time.
You have been so strong. But... this next bit will be the hardest bit.
Staying strong.
But you can do it.
You've had some wonderful support on here so keep posting for advice.
Use the thread as a diary so you can see in a few weeks, just how far you have come.
I'm so glad your mum is supporting you.
You are far stronger than you can imagine.
Keep going and keep him gone!