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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I over reacting ? How should I react?

160 replies

ShannDX · 16/10/2018 14:59

I have been with my partner just over a year now. I have a daughter from a previous relationship but there have never been any problems concerning him and her.

My partner hasn't received benifits or worked for over a year now and he doesn't have a great family so I have to pay for him to live. There has been previous DV issues with him but he is controling his anger now and is about to do a purpotraitor course. He finally sorted his benifits out a few weeks ago but put it in his mates account and his mate took it off him, so guess who had to fund his life again ? Me. I can cope with all this as long as he is sorting his life out. He has to do community service now for something stupid he did when we were on a break, I left him £6 downstairs for his bus money. I knew I had £2 in the house for my bus fare in the morning to get my daughter to nursery while I do a DV course in a different town. It's not as simple for me to just be able to walk places because I am disabled and struggle getting about. Just as im about to run out the door for the bus my change isn't there. So I asked him and he said he took it to get a drink and a sausage roll on his lunch. Now im fuming, I pay for everything I do everything for him I organise his stuff, but he is taking more than im giving. It ended up me having to get a taxi to the next town with my daughter for £23 because I was late getting to the bus after having to get cash out. I wouldn't mind but there is packed lunch stuff he could have had. It's not about the money, more so stealing change after im alredy paying for every part of his life. I had to have a chat with him yesterday about showering more because he stopped, and sorting out a place to live with he knows he has to do anyway I told him months ago he can't stay hear as I don't want him at mine untill I know he's never going to lash out again. I feel like in over reacting because it's £2 but it's not about the money it's about the lack of respect especially since I have to do everything for him. Someone help me please because I don't know what to do or say when he is home ?

TIA Doormat mummy

OP posts:
Jux · 16/10/2018 19:09

Every penny you spend on him is a penny less you spend on your child when it sounds like you don't have very many pennies in the first place.

ChodeofChodeHall · 16/10/2018 19:10

I am sorry that many of the replies on your thread have been hard for you to read. You can see that every woman who has commented believes that you deserve better than this poo crumb of a man, though!

Jux · 16/10/2018 19:10

Do you not have an account his money could be paid into?

ChodeofChodeHall · 16/10/2018 19:12

Yes, but it would mess up her own benefit entitlement if she were to receive his benefits (described upthread).

averageisgood · 16/10/2018 19:12

I'm seriously interested in what this course is that this violent cocklodger is on? Especially since it appears to be free. I've never heard of such a thing
Also never known a case where the SW encourages the victim to help her abuser work on himself.
I left a DV relationship, and know three other women irl who have. Also the countless posters on this forum.
What is this course OP?
At the very least I think he is lying to you

Original poster
ShannDX · 16/10/2018 19:13

Thanks for the people giving me support. Ss do know the full story I haven't hid anything from them. I need help now not judging. My DD is at her grandparents tonight. When he came back I said some of the things that have been said to me, I told him im worth more that this, that he might think he is trying hard but he isn't quite trying hard enough if he was he'd be sorting it quickly and he would have stopped staying hear when I asked him too. That my daughter doesn't deserve this and that I can't let her see this growing up and becoming timid like me and getting in the same kinds of relationships. I told him it's not my responsibility to sort out his appointments and his money. And it's not my fault he has to do community service so it's not my job to pay for his busses.
And I told him I don't want this any more and I want him to leave and not come back.

He started laughing at me and making jokes about £2. Saying I think he's disposable this is bang out of order and he can't believe in doing this to us. He said im pathetic and everyone will laugh at me about this.

How do I get through this now ? I feel really stupid. Please no bashing now im feeling really low I have taken the advice but im stuck now

TIA

OP posts:
ChodeofChodeHall · 16/10/2018 19:13

He's an absolute cockend for having his benefits paid into his friend's account, FFS. Who tf does that? It takes literally 20 minutes to open a bank account.

Original poster
ShannDX · 16/10/2018 19:14

The course in on is gateway

The one he is on is lifeline I think

OP posts:
ChodeofChodeHall · 16/10/2018 19:15

OMG well done, OP! Flowers

ChodeofChodeHall · 16/10/2018 19:15

Has he gone now? You did great.

fifithefoof · 16/10/2018 19:16

Nobody will laugh at you sweetheart. Cry for you maybe. Is there nobody family or friend member you can talk to?

You didn't do anything to 'us'. He did. You've done more than he deserves to get it back on track.

So he's refusing to leave?

WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 16/10/2018 19:20

If you have to have social workers, and domestic violence courses/support workers involved for your relationship then it's not a relationship worth being in. Normal loving partnerships do not look like this OP.

WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 16/10/2018 19:22

Well done for making a positive change, you're stronger than you realise you 

choli · 16/10/2018 19:23

This guy IS totally disposable. Your life will not be negatively impacted in any way when you bin him. He knows that very well and is trying to scam you again. Don't give him that power.

I wish we could tattoo guys like that across the face to warn other women.

Notacluewhatthisis · 16/10/2018 19:26

But did he actually leave?

No one is saying you don't care about your dd. Bit you are making bad choices. He is violent. If she is in bed and he decides to kick off, what will you do? Call the police? What if you can't?

If your DV and SS worker think this relationship is ok as long as she doesn't lay eyes on him, they need sacking. DV courses do not teach you how to protect your children while still having the violent partner in the home.

He should be staying away while doing the perpetrator course. Not crashing at yours, stealing off you, verbally abusing you. He may not have been violent lately, but he is abusing you.

And pp is right, we aren't to blame for your abuse. Or the fact that you are staying. He is to blame for the abuse. No one else.

I know it's hard. I left. I had to leave my home. My gorgeous home that I thought I would be in forever. I left with my kids, moved area, suffered some judgment because I couldn't bring myself to tell people what happened. I now have a new home. Small but happy. I still have to let the bastard have my kids 50% of the time. You may have an illness but you are in a fairly good position. You have your own home that isn't part his.

I didn't realise I was being emotionally abused, now I realise I was. Maybe you don't realise it either. But sometimes someone needs to give you a shake and tell you straight. I wish someone had done that for me. All of our situations are different, worse in someways and better in some ways . Look at what you do have and make the break.

Notacluewhatthisis · 16/10/2018 19:27

Can i ask, what do you mean waiting for his birth certificate? How long is that taking? Can you not just go get one now?

PookieDo · 16/10/2018 19:27

What we all think is sad that you and your DD need a social worker in your life to help you stay safe basically. If he wasn’t in your life you probably wouldn’t need them in this way - you aren’t ready to make your own choices about him, because you have a social worker as a middle man. There is also the fact that you can’t have a ‘normal’ relationship because you are trapped by the consequences of the things he has done

I think you are viewing this all wrong. It isn’t that SS think you and DD are safe, it’s the opposite. They are trying to make sure you can be safe. There is option 1 - stay as you are and there is option 2 - change things for you and DD. This man doesn’t own you and you can manage without him. Firstly you would actually have money for your child that he is taking - yes, he’s taking your child’s money. Secondly you would not have to spend your life proving to SS what kind of parent you are and 3, you could move on and start to heal

People judge because they don’t understand. This guy is not your one and only chance at happiness, he’s not even close to that and on thhe basis of probability he’s likely the person who could hurt you and make you the most sad.

dirtybadger · 16/10/2018 19:29

If I had a friend who I knew was leaching off their (disabled, single mother) partner I would think they were more than pathetic. He's a disgrace. You did really well. He will try to make you feel small and worthless and grateful for him. But no man is better than this man. You would have more money. You wouldn't have to worry about "what if" he is ever violent (even if he never was, this in itself is exhausting), you won't have to move around his temper. Think about the good feeling you will have in 6, 12 months time if things end. It might not be pleasant immediately but it's worth it long term.

Original poster
ShannDX · 16/10/2018 19:29

No he's not gone he keeps telling me the same things that he's changing and he's trying and that he loves me. But I know he isn't trying hard enough. I don't know how to make him leave I feel like he's just trying to cling on to me and say what I want him to say just for the sake of it. I don't know how to get out of this

OP posts:
choli · 16/10/2018 19:31

By the way nobody is laughing at you. I for one am very angry for you.

Notacluewhatthisis · 16/10/2018 19:31

Call the police and have them remove him.

averageisgood · 16/10/2018 19:32

Phone police. He won't leave your home. He is trespassing. It's the only way you can do this

fifithefoof · 16/10/2018 19:32

So you asked him to leave and he's refused?

I'm usually on the 'oh come that's over the top' side on Mumsnet but maybe you should think about calling the police op.

fifithefoof · 16/10/2018 19:34

Is there a friend you can get to come over? They will shine a light of normality on his refusal to leave.

I can guarantee you they will not laugh at you.

If I lived close to you I'd be over there in a shot and I don't even know you. Your friends and family will love you and have your best interests at heart.

PookieDo · 16/10/2018 19:35

Call the police