Am I over reacting ? How should I react?

[ShannDX]

I have been with my partner just over a year now. I have a daughter from a previous relationship but there have never been any problems concerning him and her.

My partner hasn't received benifits or worked for over a year now and he doesn't have a great family so I have to pay for him to live. There has been previous DV issues with him but he is controling his anger now and is about to do a purpotraitor course. He finally sorted his benifits out a few weeks ago but put it in his mates account and his mate took it off him, so guess who had to fund his life again ? Me. I can cope with all this as long as he is sorting his life out. He has to do community service now for something stupid he did when we were on a break, I left him £6 downstairs for his bus money. I knew I had £2 in the house for my bus fare in the morning to get my daughter to nursery while I do a DV course in a different town. It's not as simple for me to just be able to walk places because I am disabled and struggle getting about. Just as im about to run out the door for the bus my change isn't there. So I asked him and he said he took it to get a drink and a sausage roll on his lunch. Now im fuming, I pay for everything I do everything for him I organise his stuff, but he is taking more than im giving. It ended up me having to get a taxi to the next town with my daughter for £23 because I was late getting to the bus after having to get cash out. I wouldn't mind but there is packed lunch stuff he could have had. It's not about the money, more so stealing change after im alredy paying for every part of his life. I had to have a chat with him yesterday about showering more because he stopped, and sorting out a place to live with he knows he has to do anyway I told him months ago he can't stay hear as I don't want him at mine untill I know he's never going to lash out again. I feel like in over reacting because it's £2 but it's not about the money it's about the lack of respect especially since I have to do everything for him. Someone help me please because I don't know what to do or say when he is home ?

TIA Doormat mummy

Social didn't make the decision for him to not see my daughter, I did. And we shouldn't be on joint benifits because he only stays at mine some days not every day and I haven't let him move his stuff back since we went on the break. I onIy wanted a bit of help and advice. Now im sat hear in pieces feeling like I have really failed at everything, that im a good for nothing peice of shit that doesn't give a damn about her daughter when I do. I understand I have made some bad decisions in not indenial about that. Now I just feel like im no use to her and in no use to anyone, I feel like I don't even deserve mates.

You know it's perfectly acceptable to say:-

"This isn't working for me anymore. We're finished".

8 words is all you need - you don't need a list of reasons (all of which he'll have a "yeah, but..." answer for).

Practice saying it, so the next time you see him, it comes out easily, then start living the best life you can for you and your daughter.

Don't get railroaded into a discussion with him about how he can change, where's he going to live, who's going to help you if he leaves. Write off anything you've given him/he owes you as the price you pay for freeing yourself from this waste of oxygen.

I admire you OP. You've sought help and advice. You're listening to the course work.
You've been dealt a shitty hand, but it's within your power to take control of your life and create something positive for you and your DD.
Please keep determined to split from him at least for the short term. Let him prove he's turned his life around before you let him back into yours. I suspect that he will fall off the rails again without you by his side. But that's his fault, not yours. Nor is your responsibility.

He was good to you when you needed help. And you've supported him since. You don't owe him anything.
He's stolen from you. He's serving a community sentence. He can't be bothered to work. He was happy to sponge off you rather than organise a benefits claim. He couldn't be bothered to open a bank account. He's never contributed financially. He's been violent. Remember all of this.

Nobody has said you don't care about your daughter.

You can wallow when you've kicked him out, not before.

Honestly, it seems scary and a huge step now but in a years time I'm betting that you'll have a huge weight lifted and be enjoying your life so much more.

You need to chuck him out as soon as you can. Stop seeing him because he's just dragging you down.

Also you can't post about your life and not expect to get a wide spectrum of opinions on it, this is the internet. The majority of posters are saying to leave him though, so that's the advice to listen to.

I only let him in the house after her bed time and he has to leave before she wakes up.

That would seem to indicate that you know perfectly well that he is not a suitable person to be around your daughter.

If he's only there at night when is he doing all this shopping and helping you with your memory problems?

Where does he spend the rest of his time when he is not in your home?

No wonder women stay in these relationships when the women decide to judge rather than listen.

No, you don't get to blame us for this, rather than him.

This man has done a number on you in such a small amount of time. You are doing you’re dd a disservice by staying with this man

@ShannDX Tue 16-Oct-18 15:39:54
He put money in his friends account because he has no account as of yet.

That's bullshit because if you don't have an account, the benefits place can set one up from their end at the post office for the money to be paid in to.

@ShannDX Tue 16-Oct-18 16:13:02
Just to add. Its not the fact im fussing over £2.
Im more fussing over if I tell him it's the last straw and I can't take it anymore and I want him gone. he will turn round and tell me that im overreacting about £2 when it's not the money it's the lack of respect. And that im crazy and in not giving him a chance. I more just wanted confirmation that im not over reacting when it's all the little things adding up into one big thing. And it is ok to turn round and say I have had enough

About the £2, I'd leave him. What if you had no other money and that £2 was for your daughters dinner?

So why can't he work. Has he been signed off long term sick.

ugh, he is violent, he gaslights you, he is a criminal, a thief, a liar, a bullshitter, bone idle, and can't even keep himself clean. where is your self esteem op? come on. you do not have to wait for your social worker to tell you to finish with him. that is a really low bar to set for yourself. decide that you deserve better, keep on with your dv course and the freedom programme, give yourself a year off from relationships because you do not have good boundaries or make good choices. I know it is not easy to hear. but you have a dd, and she needs you to show her how to be a woman who respects herself and demands to be treated well.

OP, people are only being harsh because it's so frustrating to see a woman putting up with appalling treatment when she and her child deserve so much more.

Even just one of the things this man has done would be a good enough reason to leave him. Don't think that your dd has to actually witness dv in order to be affected by her mother being in an abusive relationship. If it affects you, it affects her.

You think your child is safe because she doesn't see him after going to bed or after she's up? Crikey!

He's probably been getting benefits all along and is just scamming you OP. You're spending money on this jackass that you should be spending on your daughter.

I feel so bad for you, OP. Your self-esteem must be very low to put up with all of this.
YOU matter. Your daughter is hugely important of course, but so are you. Never forget that.
We only get one life, and please don't waste any more of yours on this loser.

OP you sound pretty switched on. The £2 thing is a big deal. I get it. If you shared finances and it was lying around on the table then that would be an easy innocent mistake. But it's your money and you already gave him £6. He could have mentioned it then that he needed more. He took that £2 because he thought he could. He probably didn't even have to (as you obviously went and got cash out so presumably may have considered giving him 2 more if he had asked). He's a thief.

I understand that it can take a while to come to terms with the situation you're in, the type of person he is (because all abusive nasty men are nice sometimes- probably most of the time). When you have the strength I hope you are able to leave.

Like someone else said, don't wait for your social worker to tell you he must be kept away from your DD. Don't wait for him to lapse in his self control (like someone else said, these perpetrator courses are generally ineffective).

I don't think you're a bad mum. Is it ideal for your daughter? No. Could the situation be made safer? Yes. But that doesn't equate to you being a bad mum.

To be honest any one of the things you've mentioned...financially unstable, violent, unkempt, criminal history.. would be enough for a lot of people to leave. You don't have to wait for him to slip up or get worse to leave. If it isn't working for you, if he isn't making your life better (and your daughters) then that's a good enough reason.

Her and the social worker both agreed that his behaviour is treatable and if I kept them up to speed with things going on then it shows I was taking the correct steps.

I go on a course once a week to learn how to handle abusive behaviours and he is also about to do one on how to manage his behaviours.

This is crazy, that social worker needs to be fired.

I'm sorry, what are they thinking sending YOU on a course, and he hasn't done jack shit yet.

They've laid his abusive behaviour at your door and made you feel that you are responsible for his behaviour.

And you're disabled too! And they're putting the blame on you, and he is abusing a disabled woman with a child in the house.

I'm absolutely disgusted by them, I really am.

But, you can survive on your own, you did it when you was on a break, so for yours and your daughters safety and well being, get rid of this waste of space. Because that's what he is, a complete waste of space and oxygen in the world. He doesn't do anything but take your money and abuse you. He can't even open up his own bank account.

Where is he living now, if he has no money and relies on you for it? How is he paying any rent or anything?

You need to get rid of this awful man.

The Freedom Programme is a course aimed at victims of DV, including the things OP stated (effect on children, attitudes of others, etc). Don't know if there are similar others but seems very plausible?

@averageisgood I've reported that comment. Not cool. Report if you suspect anything rather than bring it in to the thread.

I do however, wonder if ss and the dv worker know the full extent of the situation. I'm surprised they're allowing him to have contact.

Op you need to be careful that ss view you as protecting your children adequately.

He’s a massive loser. You already have this kind of support in your day to day life because you haven’t been making sensible choices for yourself and your daughter and this man is obviously another poor move. Just think how much nicer and easier your life would be without him in it. Get yourself fixed up and then you can think about having a relationship. This one sounds a bit broken.

Why on Earth are you with this man he sounds awful!!

OP you don't even have to leave. Just stop letting him into your home. Change the lock if he has a key. End of story.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, OP. You're working so hard and you sound really beaten down by it all. It seems as though your diagnosis has been detrimental to your feelings of self worth, and you feel grateful towards your BF for staying with you. From the outside, he sounds appalling! He has such poor life skills that he doesn't even have a bank account or a regular income of any kind. There can't possibly be any kind of future with this man that would be beneficial to you or your daughter.

My social worker is doing work with my partner and I have already said that if she begins to think that it's irresponsible to continue the relationship I will leave

This is the saddest part for me: you feel so unworthy of love and relationships that you are putting up with the absolute dregs, believing that is all you deserve.

Please stop giving him money and letting him in your house. You don't have to pay for his life and you don't have to put up with any of this. People with disabilities can have happy relationships, where they feel fulfilled and loved. You and your daughter both deserve better than this.