Am I over reacting ? How should I react?

[ShannDX]

I have been with my partner just over a year now. I have a daughter from a previous relationship but there have never been any problems concerning him and her.

My partner hasn't received benifits or worked for over a year now and he doesn't have a great family so I have to pay for him to live. There has been previous DV issues with him but he is controling his anger now and is about to do a purpotraitor course. He finally sorted his benifits out a few weeks ago but put it in his mates account and his mate took it off him, so guess who had to fund his life again ? Me. I can cope with all this as long as he is sorting his life out. He has to do community service now for something stupid he did when we were on a break, I left him £6 downstairs for his bus money. I knew I had £2 in the house for my bus fare in the morning to get my daughter to nursery while I do a DV course in a different town. It's not as simple for me to just be able to walk places because I am disabled and struggle getting about. Just as im about to run out the door for the bus my change isn't there. So I asked him and he said he took it to get a drink and a sausage roll on his lunch. Now im fuming, I pay for everything I do everything for him I organise his stuff, but he is taking more than im giving. It ended up me having to get a taxi to the next town with my daughter for £23 because I was late getting to the bus after having to get cash out. I wouldn't mind but there is packed lunch stuff he could have had. It's not about the money, more so stealing change after im alredy paying for every part of his life. I had to have a chat with him yesterday about showering more because he stopped, and sorting out a place to live with he knows he has to do anyway I told him months ago he can't stay hear as I don't want him at mine untill I know he's never going to lash out again. I feel like in over reacting because it's £2 but it's not about the money it's about the lack of respect especially since I have to do everything for him. Someone help me please because I don't know what to do or say when he is home ?

TIA Doormat mummy

she isn't in a violent house hold, infact the last violent incident was 5 months ago

And you are still letting him back in.

She IS in a violent household. Stop kidding yourself.

Why did you even post here if you're not listening to anything anyone is saying?

He put money in his friends account because he has no account as of yet.

So ask him to open one then! It's not exactly rocket science.

He's a violent cocklodger. Just kick him out and be done with it.

Im not denying advice to leave him, im very open to it and it is always in the back of my mind. But telling me im a bad mum and all that crap that's just judging, I understand that there may be choices I have made that aren't the best, I also understand how my relationship may affect her, but I also know im very open and honest with my DV worker and my social worker. My social worker is doing work with my partner and I have already said that if she begins to think that it's irresponsible to continue the relationship I will leave.

He is not prohibited by law to set up a bank account so why does he not have one?.

Why is this person in your life at all?. I presume this is also because you have no family and friends to support you either, that also gave him an "in" also to further exploit you for his own ends.

He really does think you are a soft touch. He also sees "victim here" on your forehead and that is also how you are exploited by him.

How honest are you with both your social worker and domestic violence worker?. Your DD is in a violent household because you let this man into your home overnight. If you have been with this man also for just over a year, that means too he was violent towards you a mere seven months into this relationship. You've already tolerated way too much already and you need to ask yourself why you have allowed this man to come into your life at all.

Being nice to you when you were ill is just what a partner should do
You owe him nothing and if you weren’t giving him money I doubt you would see him for dust
If not for yourself get rid f him for your daughter
And I struggle to believe you are expected to go on a course to manage HIS violent behaviour. Manage it by never seeing him again

If you really can't bring yourself to finish with him for good, ask him to leave, sort himself out, get a job, and then come back when he has.

The money shouod have gone into your account,not his mates. After all, you are paying for a hell of a lot for him anyway and he trust you doesn’t he? So why moving that money in someone else account???

I think you need to set up boundaries. You need to be clear that whilst you appreciate what he has done for you in the last year, he also needs to step up and not rely on you financially (just like I’m sure you are trying hard not to rely on him physically!)

And i would recommend contact WA too and do the Freedom Program for yourself. It will go very nicely with the course you Are currently doing and will give yu even more insight on what are the next steps for you.

Trying not to judge but this is pretty shocking on many levels. Not least because it sounds like you are attending a course that helps women manage their abusive partners rather than leave them. WTF!

He is waiting for a new birth certificate to open an account.

Thankyou to everyone that simply just suggested to leave him and suggested that my child and me would be better off. Without telling me im a bad mum and without judging, that's all I really needed. I think im going to take some time for myself and concentrate on my and my child for a while.

To the rest of you's I hope you never have a friend that goes through domestic violence Because you'll probably drive them further into depression. Funnily enough the session on my course today was all about people like you and how that attitude drives people like me further in to the relationship rather than helps them out of it.

Your choice to be in a relationship with him at all has ended up with you enabling and otherwise facilitating all aspects of his life. And how does he repay you; by taking from you and your child. You are all give give give and he is all take take take.

Your social worker should not be assigned to both you and this man. because this represents a conflict of interest. Social workers and domestic violence workers are not immune from the charms of manipulative men and you have certainly been manipulated by him.

He should be doing absolutely everything in his power to prove to you that he is serious about getting his life together and being a better person.

Instead, he's rinsing you, doing who know what with his money, racking up the criminal record and making no effort to find a place to live? (Where is he living if not with you?) Plus he can't even be arsed to keep clean?

You can do better. Anything is better than that!

My DSis's exDH was very much like this. He did have a job, as a lorry driver, but he couldn't handle money at all. He was £17k in debt when they got married and his house was on the point of being repossessed. He only told her this 2 weeks before the wedding, and asked her if she wanted to pull out. She said, 'I'm not that shallow,' which he surely knew that she would say.

My DM paid off his debts, he never paid her back, of course. He frittered away my DSis's money (we had an inheritance when my F passed away). He finished her when the last of her money had been spent. Funny that. The divorce settlement was nightmare to sort out.

Like you, she suffered DV at his hands. She only told us this after they'd broken up, and she was constantly minimising it, wouldn't let us say a word against him.

Thankfully, in my DSis's case there were no DC. You have a DD and you should be modelling healthy relationships to her. There will be better men out there, who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. My DSis's second DH is lovely.

So you were in a violent relationship with this man, social services and DV specialists are involved, you are having to lie to your daughter about being in a relationship with this person and that suggests the SS and DV are highly concerned about her safety as well as your own.......and you are worried about £2?

The fact that he stays over suggests that you are also breaching your benefit claim as a single person. Sleeping there and being in a relationship is why you should be on a joint claim......but then I'm guessing you would lose custody of your daughter. So you are NOT protecting her at all-in any way. You are actually risking her home and relationship with you for a man that sounds like a violent cocklodger.

Yeah, parent of the year.

Please do as others have said. The fact that he held your hair and "reminds you to cook" ( why cant HE do it?) is totally irrelevant. Do what is right by your daughter. You are wasting money on him that you could be using on HER.

If you have to protect your DD from him, which you say you are doing, then there is no way on this whole earth you should be with him. You’ve brought some man into her life you have to protect her from. How is that a suitable thing to do???

You are a physically and emotionally vulnerable mum who is being let down here by both her social and domestic violence workers.They are not doing best practice here and are really doing you a huge disservice. You are also a mother who has continued to make poor life choices partly through circumstances beyond your control and a lack of overall support from family and friends.

Domestic violence cannot and should not be managed by you attending a dv course. Such perp courses for men as well have very high rates of men reoffending; they do not work.

No my course teaches us how to leave these relationships if we choose to.
The effects it may have on children and how we can protect them.
About the power and controll wheel.
How to be more firm rather than timid.
How to be open with people.
And about people who judge women in these relationships. And why it is hard to leave.
And how to spot the signs in future relationships
Sorry I put it across wrong.

I won't allow the money to go into my account because I was advised it would jeopardize my money.

Thanks for suggesting the freedom program I'll give woman's aid a call to enquire about it.

This makes awful reading, this man is of no benefit to you whatsoever and not only that, is a danger to both you and your daughter, physically, financially, and emotionally. You are not putting her first by carrying on in a relationship with him, no matter how many excuses you make. FFS get out.

OP it sounds as though you are trying really hard to make yourself stronger by going on the course. Have a chat with your DV worker and social worker about how you are feeling, especially about the money concerns. I'm sure that they will echo the advice here about leaving him.

You sound like you are trying your best for you and your daughter, but you really need to ask him to leave now.

Speak to your family about support from them and try to join some activities with your daughter so that you can meet new people and hopefully build up some new friendships.

Just to add. Its not the fact im fussing over £2.
Im more fussing over if I tell him it's the last straw and I can't take it anymore and I want him gone. he will turn round and tell me that im overreacting about £2 when it's not the money it's the lack of respect. And that im crazy and in not giving him a chance. I more just wanted confirmation that im not over reacting when it's all the little things adding up into one big thing. And it is ok to turn round and say I have had enough

Yes op , you get to decide when you've had enough. Not him.

A couple of my friends have been involved in abusive relationships and I know all too well how hard it has been for them to ultimately make the choice to leave their abusive partner. Such people are really master manipulators and can and do pull the wool over people like those in authority. Abuse as well thrives on secrecy, this man is using this too against you.

Fear of their violent partner also keeps people within such relationships. That and the fear of being alone, money problems, the kids, the unknown. There are many factors that contribute here; another one being childhood experience.

I also think your time would be better employed seeking the advice of Womens Aid and enrolling yourself onto their Freedom Programme (this can also be done online but in person is better).

"I'm more fussing over if I tell him it's the last straw and I can't take it anymore and I want him gone. he will turn round and tell me that im overreacting about £2 when it's not the money it's the lack of respect. And that im crazy and in not giving him a chance. I more just wanted confirmation that im not over reacting when it's all the little things adding up into one big thing. And it is ok to turn round and say I have had enough"

He will likely utter all that re you and much more; its straight from Page 1 of the abusers handbook. He is really no different from any other abusive person.

It is more than ok to say enough and no more. You only need to give your own self permission to say enough and no more. I doubt very much he will go at all quietly because of his overall abusive nature. He may well not let go of you that easily.

And it is ok to turn round and say I have had enough

YES this is absolutely OK. Please do it!

It seems to me it's been all about him so far. What about you? Doesn't look like your needs and wants matter to this person.

Walk away and find someone you'd be proud to introduce to your child, not someone you have to sneak in to your home in the dark of night so he can abuse you.

OP, I think you are very brave to post and ask for support about this. Sometimes the smallest thing - £2 - can raise all the big questions most clearly. In my case it was being told to take my shoes off, like a child, in my own house.

You are absolutely right to react in the way you are reacting and yes, tell him/show him that this is the time he has to accept that what has been going on will go on no longer. Tell you social workers the same thing. Get help from them, WA, your GP, your family, whoever, to work towards getting this relationship put firmly in the bin so you and your lovely daughter can move on