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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I over reacting ? How should I react?

160 replies

ShannDX · 16/10/2018 14:59

I have been with my partner just over a year now. I have a daughter from a previous relationship but there have never been any problems concerning him and her.

My partner hasn't received benifits or worked for over a year now and he doesn't have a great family so I have to pay for him to live. There has been previous DV issues with him but he is controling his anger now and is about to do a purpotraitor course. He finally sorted his benifits out a few weeks ago but put it in his mates account and his mate took it off him, so guess who had to fund his life again ? Me. I can cope with all this as long as he is sorting his life out. He has to do community service now for something stupid he did when we were on a break, I left him £6 downstairs for his bus money. I knew I had £2 in the house for my bus fare in the morning to get my daughter to nursery while I do a DV course in a different town. It's not as simple for me to just be able to walk places because I am disabled and struggle getting about. Just as im about to run out the door for the bus my change isn't there. So I asked him and he said he took it to get a drink and a sausage roll on his lunch. Now im fuming, I pay for everything I do everything for him I organise his stuff, but he is taking more than im giving. It ended up me having to get a taxi to the next town with my daughter for £23 because I was late getting to the bus after having to get cash out. I wouldn't mind but there is packed lunch stuff he could have had. It's not about the money, more so stealing change after im alredy paying for every part of his life. I had to have a chat with him yesterday about showering more because he stopped, and sorting out a place to live with he knows he has to do anyway I told him months ago he can't stay hear as I don't want him at mine untill I know he's never going to lash out again. I feel like in over reacting because it's £2 but it's not about the money it's about the lack of respect especially since I have to do everything for him. Someone help me please because I don't know what to do or say when he is home ?

TIA Doormat mummy

OP posts:
fifithefoof · 16/10/2018 19:36

Taking in to consideration that he's been violent before, I would stop talking to him. I would call the police op.

fifithefoof · 16/10/2018 19:37

They certainly won't laugh as his dv is logged and he's just done community service for a violent offence.

They will also point you in the direction for the proper support you need. Not the victim blaming that you seem to be getting now.

GeorgeTheHippo · 16/10/2018 19:39

Well done OP. You might need to say it again but you have said it once and that's a great start. If you have decided that you want to end the relationship it might help to talk to the SW about it.

madcatladyforever · 16/10/2018 19:40

This reply has been deleted

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dirtybadger · 16/10/2018 19:44

@madcatladyforever not read the update that OP is literally trying to make him leave right now? He's a violent man, She doesn't need people calling her a doormat, She needs to get him out the house safely.

fifithefoof · 16/10/2018 19:46

@madcatladyforever not cool.

MadameButterface · 16/10/2018 19:51

He is disposable

He belongs in the bin

Tell him you will phone the police if he does not leave. He has a criminal record and a history of violence. They will come and remove him.

This unfortunately will not be the end op. This man can see his meal ticket vanishing over the horizon and he will do everything he can to cling on to you. He will mock you, neg you, taunt you and try to make you jealous. He will turn the charm on. He will cry, he will threaten to kill himself. He will probably stalk you and threaten you. There is some sort of douchebag instruction manual somewhere and they all follow it to the letter, arseholes like these. But you are forewarned, and stronger than you think, and stronger than he thinks, and you deserve a life where no one treats you like shit. We’re all here rooting for you, even the people who’ve been a bit harsh to you. You can do this. Get this prick out of your life.

HelenUrth · 16/10/2018 19:53

Oh you poor thing.

"He started laughing at me and making jokes about £2. Saying I think he's disposable this is bang out of order and he can't believe in doing this to us. He said im pathetic and everyone will laugh at me about this."

He thinks it's all about him, it doesn't matter to him what you think and he's telling you awful things like that people will laugh at you to get at your insecurities. He is a disgusting piece of shit.

"No he's not gone he keeps telling me the same things that he's changing and he's trying and that he loves me. But I know he isn't trying hard enough. I don't know how to make him leave I feel like he's just trying to cling on to me and say what I want him to say just for the sake of it. I don't know how to get out of this"

He doesn't understand that a relationship is a two -way thing (not sure you do either, you poor thing). If he didn't want to be in a relationship with you, it would be unreasonable to expect him to stay with you because you wanted the relationship. And that works both ways.

Tell him it's over and if he doesn't leave then please call the police.
Mind yourself, and well done on coming here asking for advice, I'm sure it's not been easy.

TidyLike · 16/10/2018 19:54

Just RTFT and despite not knowing you OP am feeling proud you for recognising this loser for what he is and binning him 💗

He will say whatever he needs to say to get what he wants - one moment he might say he loves you and he's sorry and will change, the next moment mocking you and trying to invalidate your feelings. Having been through similar, one of the best things you can do is recognise that everything he says is JUST NOISE. Don't engage with him, don't argue, don't try to justify yourself to him - just focus on getting him out of your life forever. You deserve better, and you are setting a wonderful example to your daughter by showing that it's ok to walk away from people who don't love and respect you.

MadameButterface · 16/10/2018 19:55

Broken record time. ‘You need to leave now, i’ve said all i’ve got to say’

‘You need to leave now’

‘There’s nothing to discuss you need to leave now’

‘I’m not arguing with you you need to leave now’

‘I don’t want to talk about this any more you need to leave now’

‘I am on hold to 101 you need to leave now’

Original poster
ShannDX · 16/10/2018 19:56

I don't really have any friends I isolated myself a bit. And I don't want to worry my mum while she has my daughter. And he isn't being violent or aggressive. But I am getting alot of in trying so hard, I'll change, I know its my fault but please don't do this to us

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 16/10/2018 19:59

He needs to leave. Do what to 'us' ?

He is s thief and an abuser. He is twat and all this manipulating you to bank rolling him. I am 99% sure his mate didn't steal his benefit money. He could have his own bank account. He just doesn't. Or does and you don't know.

It's YOUR house. If he doesn't leave, CALL THE POLICE! It doesn't matter if he is being aggressive or not. ITS YOUR HOUSE.

PookieDo · 16/10/2018 20:00

Shann I would not get into a deep conversation with him about these ‘changes’ I think he’s probably more than aware he’s pulling a fast one with his almost snails pace of doing anything for himself and just sees his easy life (and sex, cooking, food and laundry) disappearing. If you don’t respond to this and just repeat yourself asking him to leave and he still doesn’t listen you need to tell him
If he doesn’t leave you will call the police for help

Notacluewhatthisis · 16/10/2018 20:01

He is trying so hard but took your last £2 after you already gave him most of your money?

How is that trying?

MadameButterface · 16/10/2018 20:01

Shann we’re here for you. Get this cock out of your life and in a few months you won’t know yourself. Your self esteem and happiness will skyrocket once you are not being drained by this emotional vampire. Happy content people are pleasant and attractive to others, you will make friends again. You have a toddler, find a nice toddler group. You will be able to have mum friends and their little ones over for playdates once you haven’t got this violent waste of skin stinking your house up.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 16/10/2018 20:01

OP, you can do it, you have the whole of mumsnet behind you. Your life will be so much better without this waster around. Your daughter's life will be so much better. You won't need a social worker if you aren't with him.

ChodeofChodeHall · 16/10/2018 20:02

Could you agree to meet up tomorrow or something, whatever, just to get him out of the house? Say you need time to think but you'll chat tomorrow (but don't!).

fifithefoof · 16/10/2018 20:07

The niceness and begging is just one of the controlling techniques he's using as the calling you pathetic didn't work. He'll switch tactics again. It's possibly he could get violent. Honestly love, I'd call the police.

They WONT think you're wasting their time.

muchalover · 16/10/2018 20:09

I think that your P might be better sorting himself out at a place of his own. It will give you the space to decide if he does mean what he says, if he is sorting himself out and that you may be able to make a relationship work.

You don't need to rush into a bf sleeping at your house and it would be better for your daughter never woke up to find you have someone in her home nightly, that she doesn't know. That might scare her a lot.

You are doing everything right. He is not. You are doing a great job. He is letting you down. Ask him to find his own place to live and to fund his own life. Please don't give him a single penny more. Every penny you give him you don't spend on you and your little one and you and she deserves it much more. Funding him is making your lives so much harder and if he really loved you he would never let it happen.

DianaT1969 · 16/10/2018 20:12

OP, you don't sound rich. He shouldn't be accepting or stealing ANY money from you. Only the lowest would do that.
He is violent to women. You are alone, without friends ir family to protect you.

Get him out somehow. Thank him for the help he gave you while you were ill, but say you need to be on your own now.
Change the locks. Speak to Women's Aid tomorrow. If he comes again, call the police.
Tell your social worker you've told him it is finished and you need her support to make sure he stays away.
I worry that your course has given you false bravery OP. A false sense of control over this. You are vulnerable at the moment. But you can change that.

SemperIdem · 16/10/2018 20:14

Bin him off. Now.

You do not need this man in your life. He will not only damage it, he will ruin it.

Original poster
ShannDX · 16/10/2018 20:17

By saying doing this to us he means me making him leave my life.

Thankyou so much for all the advice and support. Im still trying to get him to go without the police. Last time I contacted them my partner made sure I was the laughing stock of my town, even though I barley know anyone hear.

Thanks to the people saying there proud and in strong I really don't feel it right now. I feel horrible for him and I know I shouldnt, I feel weak and pathetic. He keeps following me round saying that it's not right and I don't love him and care for him. I have locked my self away for not to try and get some breathing space. Im really really down and I don't know what in suppose to do. But thank you for the help

OP posts:
fifithefoof · 16/10/2018 20:18

READ THE THREAD PEOPLE!! 

She HAS tried to bin him off and he's still there refusing to leave.

choli · 16/10/2018 20:22

Tell him " you are right. I don't love you, I don't care for you, and i want you out of my house immediately."

Notacluewhatthisis · 16/10/2018 20:23

He made you a laughing stock....that's done. What's us he going to do? Do it again? You survived the first time, you will again.

A while town laughing at a DV victim? Do you care what they think?

CALL THE POLICE

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