Cliche - attractive au pair...

[ImpyInk]

Right, new name and I'm also posting this on behalf of a friend (who's here with me), who wants the MN view on this but is worried about outing and doesn't want to become a MN member herself.

My friend, who I'll call Anne, and her DH, who I'll call Mark, have been married 18 years, have 3 kids and are basically soulmates. However, pressures of work and kids and exhaustion meant that their sex life had dwindled a lot in the last 4-5 years. Maximum of once a month in the last 2 years... until, in the summer, they got an au pair. Au pair is absolutely fantastic and Anne loves her. She's also very attractive and is in her late 20s, and Mark (early 40s) clearly finds her so. Suddenly, Mark's sex drive is through the roof. Anne and Mark having sex several times a week and Mark clearly also having "me time" fantasising about the au pair as well. Anne is pleased about sex life, but worried that she should be worried. There is no real threat - the au pair has a girlfriend, Mark is always completely appropriate with her in person, etc etc. Au pair is happy and unaware that Mark fancies the pants off her.

Perspectives? Should Anne worry or not?
TIA

Poor Anne. She needs to tell Mark to stop having sex with her when he's thinking about Jo.
Perhaps then, he'll go to wanking altogether, and stop having sex with Anne. And then she'll be able to see really clearly that the sex was based on Mark thinking about Jo, and not Mark wanting to have sex with Anne.
It all seems really sad for Anne. Mark just isn't that into her anymore, imo. And Jo's young, sexy presence and his fantasising about her is all that lets him get it up anymore.
It seems like Anne could do a hell of a lot better, sexually at least.
Regardless, it sounds like Jo is worth keeping, and if anyone were worth getting rid of, it'd be Mark. The old lech who doesn't get hard for Anne anymore, unless he thinks about fucking Jo.

He's also not fucking the au pair. Give credit where credits due

Yayy. What a low bar. Frankly, this is grim and sordid. Anne needs to get some self respect and stop being used as a wank sock by her silly over excited husband.

And Jo does know. Women always do.

Jo's presence is bringing him in the mood, yes that makes it so much better

As for reassurance, Jo thinks he is a letch and is only staying for the kids or like RoseofSharyn said ask her for a 3some

I feel so bad for Jo. She has kids she connects with, a great employer in Anne... And a gross old lech, in Mark.
I wonder what her Mumsnet post would look like:
"I'm an au pair for lovely kids who I get on with wonderfully, and the mum is amazing, but I feel like the husband is perving on me - am I imaging things? Or should I quit?"
Poor Jo.

Sometimes honesty really doesn’t pay!

It’s embarrassing your keep writing about Anne and mark, OP

You are quite clearly one of them.

The whole thing is just embarrassing.

It’s embarrassing your keep writing about Anne and mark, OP
You are quite clearly one of them.

@Kennycalmit - well quite.

Now which one could it be . . . : = >

I can also (having known Mark my whole adult life) vouch for him being a decent man

Ultimately, the au pair attraction isn't the core issue. The core issue is that the husband isn't attracted to the wife anymore for some reason, as evidenced by their lack of sex life before the crush brought his sex drive up.
This.
We're all attracted to more than one person. And probably most of us have, from time to time, seen someone during the day that turned us on, and as a result been more 'in the mood' when we've gotten home to our spouse. It is very problematic, IMO, when that someone lives in your house and is employed by you - that introduces potential for an inequal / exploitative professional relationship. "Mark" is out of line for breaching the boundaries of the employer-employee relationship by essentially using "Jo" as a sex aid.
But as far as "Anne" goes, I think her main concern should be why her sex life had died in the first place.

Mark just sounds like a sleaze!

Anne is a mug. Mark is a sleaze. Which one are you?

Anne is going to take a battering self-esteem wise once she realises that her husband is essentially wanking using her vagina, and Mark is either going to try and fuck the au pair or the au pair is going to get sick of living with such dysfunctional adults that she fucks off and leaves. Both are idiots. Both need to sort their shit out before their marriage falls apart.

Everyone has crushes, I'm sure. Everyone has "oooossh" moments. But on someone you live with and see daily? On someone much younger than your DW? On someone you openly acknowledge you wank about? Recipe for disaster, and not at all because the au pair is at fault, but because Anne and Mark are too foolish to see that living with someone you have a crush on is going to destroy the very lovely life they might otherwise lead.

“ He has told her as much (and why would he lie when he's been so open about other things?).”

A hahaaa haaaaaa. Why? Because hopefully she’d hang on to the little shred of self esteem she had left and threw him out.

Remember when Vic Reeves used to rub his thighs? That's how I am imagining Mark ....

Crushes aren't that unsual and I have read posts from women who are having them and the usual advice is shut it down as much as possible by going low contact and it will blow over while OP focuses on their relationship. That isn't going to work when you are living under the same roof as both your crush and your wife. There is a significant difference between thinking someone is attractive and actually fancying them so much that it reignites your sex drive. Mark and Anne need to focus on each other without Jo being used as free viagra.

Every time they are all in the same room she'll be watching his every move. Not a life I'd like to lead. I feel very sorry for Anne, Jo and the kids. Mark is a bellend to think any good could have come from telling her this.

If I thought my DH was attracted to another woman and 'getting himself of' over her, I'd run a FREAKING MILE!!!

"Mark" is out of line for breaching the boundaries of the employer-employee relationship by essentially using "Jo" as a sex aid.

He's not breached boundaries. If a boundary is breached it should have an impact on the 'victim'.

Jo is unaware of his attraction towards her from what has been reported by the OP.

So has Anne had a mad passionate affair with Jo and run off to the villa in Tuscany, leaving Mark with his cock in his hand and a head full of fantasies?

This would not be happening in my house. Either Mark or Jo would be leaving, and Jo seems quite handy to have around.

Who needs that constant assault on their self esteem? Mark is vile. VILE.

Mark is a letch who makes me cringe. Anne should get rid of the fit au pair. That is all.

Are you Mark?

Oh my god, the poor au pair... imagine living and working in an environment like this.

So inappropriate and disrespectful to both women.

You're enabling and normalising some fairly grim behaviour here, OP.

I don't think Mark is a bad person, BUT the thought of having sex, with the au pair in the house, is clearly turning him on. Not to mention his thoughts OF her
I couldn't stay with him. I absolutely couldn't bear to be with a man who was continually thinking of someone else during sex. My dignity and self-esteem couldn't take it.

Are you actually joking?

A young girl is here, in a foreign country to learn English, get some pocket money and most importantly and BE TREATED AS FAMILY yet Mark is wanking while thinking about her? And somehow this is ok with his wife - they have 3 kids!! I wonder if any of them are daughters - how would you feel if your daughter was the au pair?!

Definitely let the au pair go WITH A GENEROUS goodbye package. As former nanny/au pair and also au pair host this is just sleezy and nasty tbh

I feel many posters on this thread are forgetting what an au pair is and how they are supposed to be treated - and that in itself is the main reason why this is no on