A awkward Question to single mums

[Issy777]

How would you trust meeting another man when you have kids?
This will sound a horrible, uncomfortable question but I recently was witnessed to something my best friend went through a few years back
She was a single mum to her 9 year old daughter, met a guy in a restaurant we went to (a waiter) he was way too fast with her
To leave out the gruesome details, she caught him stroking daughters leg. Was horrific
She's now scared of meeting someone again. I'm in a bad relationship n think I only stay because i have two daughters n I just wouldn't.. couldn't trust another man, not just cos of what happened with bf but because it's something Iv always feared
What if u meet a guy he acts like Prince Charming, u become close so you're ready to introduce him to your child ? How can you trust his intentions? What he'd be capable off?
Just something I want to know as I know it's holding me back I know there's obvious going to be no way of knowing but for instance when and how long would u introduce your dc to new guy?

Like everything else in life, you use logic and commonly sense.

1. Biological dads are equally likely to be abusive
2. Very few men ARE actually peadophiles
3. You look for the red flags. 'Going to fast' being one.

Our children are exposed to many men throughout their lives e.g the men our sisters marry or teachers or scout leaders etc. You just have to used your best judgment.

Also @Issy777 don't stay in a bad relationship just because you couldn't trust another man! You don't need a man you know.

Married so this doesn't apply - but I was a teacher and one day I heard a group of 13/14 discussing if their stepdads 'perv' on them. One said it depended on what she was wearing, one said that he never did but the others (about four) said that their stepdads or mothers' boyfriends 'perved on them'.

I found it very disturbing and decided there and then that should I be in a position to start another relationship, I wouldn't until my daughter was grown up.

Of course, not all men are like this but enough to put me on edge.

The same way you learn whether or not you can trust someone enough to have children with them. Sometimes women get it wrong. It doesn’t stop the vast majority of them trying to get it right though.

I have two small-ish DC and have been seeing someone for a couple of years. I watched like a hawk at first and although I eased off a bit after about 6 months, I am still discreetly vigilant and careful about the situations he and the kids are together alone. It sucks but I’d rather always have that edge of distrust than my DC to suffer harm. Any decent man will understand and respect that, not get angry or demand that you drop it.

My own then-DH treated me badly and our marriage was very unhappy. The DC are much safer now, with an emotionally healthy mother in a non-abusive household, then they would have been had I stayed with him.

It's wise to be vigilant. Someone I knew was sexually abused as a child by her

• 13/14 year olds

mum's boyfriend. Her mum had no idea.

I didn't date when my DC were small, partly for this reason

Get to know the guy really well before introducing to any children. Keep two lives separate for quite a while.

I’d really struggle with this OP - I was abused by my father so I am fully aware that you really don’t know who you can and can’t trust. My DH knows what happened to me and knew that when we had children I would struggle with trusting other people to take care of them. I worried I’d be panicked about him bathing our children or being alone with them - even though there’s nothing whatsoever that would make me think my DH would ever do that, I know that everyone thinks that so it doesn’t necessarily help.

I’ve watched DH with our children and really believe he would never hurt them. He understands my trauma enough to respect my boundaries and we always do things like bath time together.

I think I would feel very different about a new partner though, especially if I had girls. I’m not sure what I would do. That’s no reason not to stay in a bad relationship though.

Yes this is it
I was single for a year after me n partner split (we're now back together) but it was torture for me couldn't trust any guy n I guess that's why from the guys I met didn't get anywhere
Was something always in the back of mind well more front if anything. But I just hear if so many single mums moving on with new guys, I just couldn't trust anyone maybe not til I knew them for over a year!! N I guess that's why it'd be unlikely I'd be able to do that!?!

Also best friend after taking the guy to court found out so much other stuff that came out, sadly her ex husband (daughters father) was a bastard to her but so loving n protective of their dd and that's the same as mine
I just feel I'm with him for the sake of the kids now in every way

@mogratpineapple

I'm a teacher too and have heard this!! Just another reason why I don't think I could meet another man. It's almost just exposing them. N I'd forever blame myself if anything god forbid did happen

I've never introduced a boyfriend to my children. I would have to have been dating LONG time to do so. So basically I keep family life separate from romantic life.

I tend to date men who have daughters. I think statistically a step dad is probably more likely to abuse than a biological dad.

I've never got to the point in any ''relationship'' (since leaving their dad) where I've left them alone with a boyfriend. Things have just never got to that point.

I think it's good to be mindful of any risk. Constantly assessing. Obviously nobody plans to date a paedophile but a woman I know nearly arranged a date with a man online and then later saw his face in the local paper for being a paedophile. She has a young daughter. She didn't meet him but nothing about the interraction was different from any other interraction with ''non Paedophile'' daters. So caution is never a bad idea.

@TammySwansonTwo
So sorry to hear this
I just needed to bring it up after what my bf went through it's constantly eating away at me n I can't really discuss it in person with anyone as she's sworn me to secrecy

I had DS late, so am past the age where dating is a possibility... but if I were younger and looking, I'd be after a "friends-with-benefits" arrangement only, rather than a set up involving meeting up with my children. Only exception I might make would be for a widower with kids.

PS it's one of the reasons internet dating is a no-no for me. I just don't see how you could screen out the paedophiles - and there are paedophiles who groom single mothers with the express intention of gaining access to their children.

I couldn’t live my life never trusting. I thought as a single mum that I’d just casually date for years until my children were grown up and then I’d maybe meet some divorced man or widower or something.
In reality I met and married a man within a year- when my two children were under 10. He is the best stepdad ever and father too now. Life’s too short to never trust.

I find this thread terribly depressing. My stepfather was the best thing that ever happened for me and my sister. He became our 'dad' and would have done anything for us. We miss him terribly (cancer).

BewareOfDragons, you shouldn't be saddened by it. IF I ever, ever settled with somebody it'd have to be somebody worthy. Somebody like that. We just have the same high bar your mum did.

I was talking to my aunty the other day about this. She said out of all her friends at school who had step dads (about 5) only 1 of them wasn’t either perved on or abused by them. She purposefully hasn’t had a partner for about 10 years as she’s waiting for her DD to grow up. I just think you have to be super vigilant no matter how lovely they may appear.

My self esteem has increased so dramatically since I had dc with my dc's father that actually he is probably the most toxic man they're ever likely to have in their life. But biology, narcissism, I don't know, he's not awful to his own dc. It is weird though, and it's a question, a better man than my x (not hard) might not be as protective of them. There is lots to think about but I agree that if you have good judgement you should risk trusting (somebody who has given indication of being worthy of trust)

@cantankerousCamel, did something bad happen to your children? Are you single and avoiding dating purely for this reason?

My DM was abused by her step-dad from the age of 13 (her DM knew but ignored it ) so it has always been on my radar.

When XH and I split up, I knew I didn't want to go the rest of my life without a significant other, so I did internet dating with the intention of meeting someone just for me, a boyfriend to see when the DCs weren't home, not a step-dad for them.

However, I met and fell in love with DP and have been with him 6 years, he is quite involved with my family, but he doesn't live with us.

You can pick up (if you're listening and watching carefully) whether someone is a boundary pusher, how they behave around their own/other DCs etc but in the end nobody can accurately predict who will end up abusing someone and you can drive yourself mad suspecting everyone, when in fact it is a tiny proportion of men who are paedophiles.

I'm very aware that statistically the most dangerous thing you can do for a child is to move an unrelated man into their home. But children are also abused by fathers, grandfathers, uncles, karate instructors etc and unless you are going to keep your children away from every man who isn't their bio dad for the rest of their life, you have to just put it into perspective, based on the age of your DCs (and how well they can communicate any boundary pushing etc), what the man is like towards you and others, whether he seems too keen to spend alone time with the DCs etc.

If something feels 'off' don't push it aside. If someone makes you (or your DCs) feel uncomfortable acknowledge that and get rid. We have a good sense for danger, its built into us, but our socialisation to be polite overrides our instincts.

There's a book called The Gift Of Fear by Gavin de Becker which talks about this. If you feel like your fear is holding you back from making good decisions about your life, maybe have a read and see if you can learn to trust your instincts more.