A awkward Question to single mums

[Issy777]

How would you trust meeting another man when you have kids?
This will sound a horrible, uncomfortable question but I recently was witnessed to something my best friend went through a few years back
She was a single mum to her 9 year old daughter, met a guy in a restaurant we went to (a waiter) he was way too fast with her
To leave out the gruesome details, she caught him stroking daughters leg. Was horrific
She's now scared of meeting someone again. I'm in a bad relationship n think I only stay because i have two daughters n I just wouldn't.. couldn't trust another man, not just cos of what happened with bf but because it's something Iv always feared
What if u meet a guy he acts like Prince Charming, u become close so you're ready to introduce him to your child ? How can you trust his intentions? What he'd be capable off?
Just something I want to know as I know it's holding me back I know there's obvious going to be no way of knowing but for instance when and how long would u introduce your dc to new guy?

If you have a boy and a girl from what age do you make sure they're never alone together?

OP you have a point and it's not just about sexual abuse. My stepdaughter grew up with her mother and stepfather. He was emotionally abusive and cruel to her versus how he was to her half-brother/his bio child. I know a LOT of people who experienced various levels of abuse from a stepfather, ranging from emotional, physical, and sexual. I have a few GPs in the family and they have heard horror stories.

The issue is not that all men are potential abusers, but rather that abusers look for victims. If you want access to children, dating a single mother is an easy way to achieve this. Yes biological fathers also abuse, but statistically as posted by a PP there is more abuse in homes with stepfathers. Most men are not incestuous but there is a sizable percentage of men who are attracted to teenagers. So yes - if you have a 13 year old daughter you should be a hell of a lot more cautious about who you bring into your home.

1. Biological dads are equally likely to be abusive - yep mine was
2. Very few men ARE actually peadophiles - not sure I agree with that when you start to become aware of how many children are/have been abused
3. You look for the red flags. 'Going to fast' being one - yes! Anyone who seems to love bomb, too keen to meet the kids (though they're normally more subtle), another good reason not to introduce new boyfriends to kids until you know them VERY well.

Can I also add if your child verbalises not feeling comfortable around them, not trusting them, feeling the need to dress more modestly around them etc PLEASE note this as a red flag. Yes sometimes it's kids resenting a new person in mum's life but don't automatically dismiss it as being that.

Single but not celibate 15 years here. Have dated at various points but not met anyone special enough to make part of dd and i's family. There was one potential but he wanted own DC and I can't have any more (medical issues). So sadly that went by the way side.

"Any decent man will understand and respect that" exactly!

"I think statistically a step dad is probably more likely to abuse than a biological dad." Studies suggest it's more likely that children are less likely to report if biological parent.

"I've never got to the point in any ''relationship'' (since leaving their dad) where I've left them alone with a boyfriend." Abuse can still happen with you in the same room. Have you had boyfriends sleep over? If so did you stay awake all night to stop him going to your child's room?

"Only exception I might make would be for a widower with kids." What makes you think widowers can't be paedophiles?

"when in fact it is a tiny proportion of men who are paedophiles" again I strongly believe this isn't the case. It's a comforting myth I believe.

I would LOVE for there to be a really good thorough survey done where people who've been abused can all say "yes it happened to me" u suspect the numbers are FAR FAR higher than people realise.

There are VERY few men I trust with my dd, less than 5, not even all my relatives, there's even certain female ones I wouldn't trust as I don't trust their judgment.

Tidylike - sorry but I think 3 months is FAR too soon for a number of reasons. This is just one of them. You're also incredibly naive if you think abuse only occurs when children are

A - left alone with a potential abuser
B - in a scenario where a state of undress is likely to occur.

"but unfortunately this just isn't practically possible in my particular circumstances." Rubbish!

Re creating trust - how's that going to work if he threatens to kill you or them if they tell?

But I agree you ALSO teach them boundaries, to not dismiss their feelings if they feel under threat, to not worry about seeming "rude" by enforcing boundaries, to assess risk, to plan protective actions...

Just don't date until your kids are adults. It's not a hardship and the time flies anyway. Never understood mums who have to date when their kids are young.

The biggest danger to the life of a child is a step father.

This is well known, but I'm not surprised there are plenty of mumsnetters who selfishly delude themselves otherwise.

I have children.

Some of them are now men.

They babysit my younger ones. Who are girls.

I should obviously not trust them.

What a load of nonsense.

I have 2 daughters and while I did date a bit when they were small (both people they already knew, so no awkward introductions) it never advanced to a stage where the person would be alone with them.

But I found that I preferred not to mix time with my girls and time with a man. I would rather the girls have my full attention when I'm with them. So they never met the next person I dated.

Now that they are a bit older, I just don't date. I can't see a scenario where I would introduce a man into their lives. I don't want any upheaval for them, and frankly I don't trust men.

I’m single now. I wouldn’t live with anyone for exactly this reason.
DS is with his dad enough for me to date if I wanted to, but I’m not that bothered. DS is 8; I can happily wait till he is in his mid teens before I consider anything serious.

I am a single mum and have been dating a man for five months. I am well aware of the risks, it is a struggle internally as it's horrible to have that guard up but it is needed.

I would never leave my boyfriend alone with my DD, I would be suspicious if he asked to babysit my DD for example. I am forever telling DD she can tell me if something happened with anyone and no one should see her naked etc.

It is about being careful.

SP to DD14. Never dated when she was young (was single for 9 years), dating someone Id known as a friend for 5 years. She has never been left alone with him, not because I don't trust him, but because we don't live together and she doesn't need to be supervised any more.

Some of the posts on here are sad, some of the 'do not trust men' are depressing

My DD has definitely learnt how men should treat women by my relationship - this has been proven time and time again with her friendships. Her best friend, also 14, thought it was acceptable for BF to tell her who to be friends with, my DD made it clear to both this was unacceptable.

Have high standards for yourself, don't rush into relationships, foster an honest relationship with your child and men can play an important part in breaking the abuse cycle.

Desperation to be in a relationship is a massive attraction to potential abusers as it could prevent you from acting on red flags and asserting your boundaries. My SS's BM dated when he was young including a man who was physically abusive to SS infront of her. She did nothing, just made excuses. My DH intervened and warned the guy off. She didn't want to lose the relationship. He wasn't a step dad just mum's new bf. I'm a committed step parents and my SS is just as important as my DD with DH. He was clear he wouldn't be dating anyone who didn't fully accept his child and lost a lot of relationships because of it. Women can be equally distrustful. Maybe they weren't out to sexually abuse SS but that doesn't mean they couldn't have been abusive in other ways.

I'm single mum, I don't plan to have a relationship till my child is older.
I have a relative, early 20s has a young dd.
She's pregnant to a guy she hasn't known for a year , constantly putting pictures on sm of the three of them with the caption "family" with the little girl clinging on to her new partner. It just seems really odd to me,but in two years this girl has bad at least 3 different men around her child.

I went to drop some clothes of t er house once and she'd gone out an left her hold with her latest boyfriend ad.

Posted too soon, the latest boyfi and his dad!
No suggestion there was anything untoward going on but if they were abusers she certainly is making life easy for them.
Sorry for typos, screen is knackered on my phone!

Sorry, but I find this incredibly depressing - you shouldn’t have a relationship until your children are grown up? Never let a man around your children?

I’d be 58 by the time I could have a relationship. Brilliant.

I’m certainly not “desperate” for a relationship either!

I split with my exH 6 years ago. I’ve managed two relationships in that time - I haven’t lived with either of them & have no intention of living with my boyfriend of 3 years. I certainly don’t rush things. My boyfriend has 3 children so I’ve observed his behaviour around them & mine, & feel safe.

Abuse can happen anywhere - are you going to stop your children from visiting family? Going to sports activities? School? Out of the house?

My cousin was abused by her uncle who was a school caretaker. An ex boyfriend was abused by his male babysitter. An old university friend was abused by her biological dad.

It happens & it’s awful - I’ve taught my children to be open with me & luckily, they come to me about everything (including when a 10 year old boy was trying to get my 5 year old daughter to show him what was in her pants 😡...that was dealt with promptly & officially).

You can live your life in fear, or you can chose to be sensible & as vigilant as you can, whilst not limiting life.

Just in response to the posters asking why not just stay single?'

I was single for a year when me and ex split and I met a few men. It's hard not to. I tried to stay active, busy so I wasn't at home depressed. Met a few from work, a sports club and one online but that was the problem because of the fear and what happened to my best friend it never went anywhere because I was always had that at the front of my mind. Btw, I had the kids basically 70% of the time and i hate casual dating/FWB it's not me at all and I'm quite religious so was never gonna work as just a casual thing . I was looking for love but I think all those fears spoilt it anyhow as when they wanted to get serious I backed off

So this was just a post about how I could overcome some of those fears as I can't stay in this relationship any longer
But it's sad as dp (their father) is the only man I trust around my dds and he loves them to bits, it's just a constant battle

All the people going on about how depressing it is not to have a relationship. Have a relationship, have the dude in your life, just keep him out of your home.

I with you camel, of course you can't eliminate all risk, but no way is my dd going to have to have some guy living in her home, never.

Sorry, but I find this incredibly depressing - you shouldn’t have a relationship until your children are grown up? Never let a man around your children?

I wouldn't say that at all. But the whole "here's your new daddy" thing that too many people seem to do is in my opinion asking for a whole host of problems - not limited to abuse.

Date and have relationships fine, but don't live together, don't give the male partner the title of father/stepfather, and don't assume because the man has a romantic relationship with you that he is trustworthy with your children. Not until they are much older.

But cantankerous is saying all men are dangerous around children.

That means their own father is dangerous. Their brothers. Their grandfathers.

I have left my kids with my dad (my mum is dead) and with my older sons. Often.

I’m not a bad parent for doing so.

That is a very extreme view and not one I will be subscribing to.

I bet a lot of those saying "I would just not date" are married..so not gonna be an issue then is it!
I would never move a man in within a couple of years let alone months, and I am vigilant, and more importantly prepared to beleive anything of anyone, but on balance having a functional relationship can be good for a child to see, especially if they have been part of a dysfunctional set up previously. I don't live with DP but he's with us a lot and we've all gone on holiday together etc. He's the only man who I have got serious with since dc, and I think it models a healthy, normal, respectful relationship, which dc dad did not.

NEVER trust men with children.

Just. Never

I appreciate your statistics into step fathers, Camel but then you can use statistics any way you like. Example -

Black people are three times more likely to be arrested than white people.

Therefore, black people are three times more guilty of crime than white people and are not to be trusted. Just. Never.

Yet if someone posted that and encouraged people to think that way, this thread wouldn't stand for more than 5 minutes.

CantakerousCamel, honestly you don't sound rational.

I do not think for a second my partner is abusing my kids when he comes round and I go out.

For one thing, I don't think they'd be so willing to stay with him

For another, they snitch on him constantly "LOL he let me stay up until 11" "LOL he farted in Ds1's room and ran away so ds1 has farted on his coat" "LOL he didn't put any vegetables in the dinner at all and he said it makes pasta more awesome to eat it with a big spoon in front of the telly"

Isolating children from men is dangerous behaviour. Should all single father's children be put up for adoption? What about when a mother is ill in hospital, should the children go into care? WHat about siblings, when is a boy allowed to be alone with his siblings and when is he not?

Let's get some critical thinking going instead of the shrieking horrors.