A awkward Question to single mums

[Issy777]

How would you trust meeting another man when you have kids?
This will sound a horrible, uncomfortable question but I recently was witnessed to something my best friend went through a few years back
She was a single mum to her 9 year old daughter, met a guy in a restaurant we went to (a waiter) he was way too fast with her
To leave out the gruesome details, she caught him stroking daughters leg. Was horrific
She's now scared of meeting someone again. I'm in a bad relationship n think I only stay because i have two daughters n I just wouldn't.. couldn't trust another man, not just cos of what happened with bf but because it's something Iv always feared
What if u meet a guy he acts like Prince Charming, u become close so you're ready to introduce him to your child ? How can you trust his intentions? What he'd be capable off?
Just something I want to know as I know it's holding me back I know there's obvious going to be no way of knowing but for instance when and how long would u introduce your dc to new guy?

There is lots of ‘trust your judgement’ posts.

Don’t.

I'm happily single - not prepared to risk putting my dd in harm's way. Seen it happen that friends have put their faith in seemingly nice men only to find that their dd's were the real attraction. My judgement was so off with exh I don't trust myself to get it right in future.

I made the decision to not date at all while my child was under 18. I had read a statistic back in the 1990s about how children are mostly likely to be killed or abused by a mother's boyfriend, so I figured, why take the chance?

He is an adult now and I know of two instances where he was touched inappropriately while growing up - a neighbor boy and a substitute teacher. So, me not dating didn't keep all the pervs away from my son, but it probably reduced the instances.

Wow. Well, my kids are safe because nobody wonderful wants to date me. But even if I were dating somebody I don't envisage my DC on their own in the house with a man while I"m out. Cannot visualise that.

I have left my kids with my Dad though, but seeing as he never harmed me, I reckon that's OK. Also my brother. The only two men I dated for long enough that their meeting my kids was a possibility at some stage, I think they were both better men than my xh (kids' father)

I was abused by my father & members of his family- there's no sense in not dating, just be cautious, because you're no more likely to find a pedo after you have kids than you are before.

After all, my dad met my mum when they were in their teens, so obviously he wasn't seeking someone with children to take advantage of. He just took the opportunity when it was provided.

If you meet a man, and you get to know his intentions, and gradually, gradually let him build up a relationship, while MOST IMPORTANTLY having a relationship with your child whereby she knows she can tell you anything he does that makes her uncomfortable, you have a chance to all be happy.

My mother never knew I was being abused because she didn't want to. She was horrible to me, so why on earth would I tell her? You have the chance to give your daughter body boundaries & rules about being told when she feels uncomfortable, and then no matter what situation she is put in, be it with your boyfriend, a teacher, a friend's dad, anyone- she will tell you, and you can sort it out, and she won't be as traumatised.

Rixera
I’m so sorry that happened to you :(

Ps, I was sexually assaulted on a bus. Gross filthy disgusting old man. Makes me furious that I didn't do something.

@CantankerousCamel - I'm a trauma therapist working with childhood sexual abuse. I don't think your posts are helpful. Your work means by default you are exposed to the bad in the world. Not everyone is an abuser.

(On a personal note my step dad was amazing)

as a young teen I mean.

My mum was groomed by a paedo to access children so I have lived through this. It happens.

, I know several women who were abused as children by their mums partners.

Im a SP and choose to live without male partner. They really aren't necessary 😀. If that was to ever change (can't imagine it would) I would have to be very very sure in the man and know lots about him.

Single mother here, 3 months into a relationship with a man who has met my kids. I'm mindful of this risk (not that I have any reason at all to be suspicious of my boyfriend). I address it 2 main ways, I guess:

1. Being sensible about allowing my kids to be around my bf when I'm not there. I wouldn't be comfortable with having him supervise (dd8 and ds7) their baths, for example.

1. This is the important one, I think: working hard to create trust between me and my kids so they know that if they tell me that someone has mistreated them, I believe them, and I respond by protecting and defending them. My kids know I take it extremely seriously when they tell me that someone has hurt them or made them feel bad ... last week on the way home from school dd told me about a sports teacher verbally bullying her, so I stopped the car, focused on her, got her to tell me again, then later spoke to the head. I also tell them that if anyone hurts them or makes them feel bad, they can tell me, even if that person has told them not to tell me. I hope this will help ensure that they are able tu come to me with any concerns.

Also ... ideally I'd wait several months before introducing a boyfriend to my kids, but unfortunately this just isn't practically possible in my particular circumstances.

@ragingwhorebag, I agree with you there, we do have instincts which we're conditioned and socialised to ignore. I agree as well that (now) I can tell if somebody is manipulating me or pushing my boundaries or racing me along. I wouldn't always have been as aware of that as I am now.

Not worth the risk IMO.

I'm in a bad relationship n think I only stay because i have two daughters n I just wouldn't.. couldn't trust another man

You don't need to have any relationship at all to bring up your daughters. You don't have to stay in a bad relationship for their sake - and indeed it would be better for them as well as for you if you didn't, as they are learning what a relationship looks like from you and your partner.

@CantankerousCamel

Do your children not have friends/go to school/go anywhere?

You don't have to stay in a bad relationship for their sake - and indeed it would be better for them as well as for you if you didn't, as they are learning what a relationship looks like from you and your partner.

Good point Annie, you may be 'protecting' them now OP, but when they have relationships of their own they will be more likely to make poor choices based on the model you have shown them. We are drawn to the familiar.

My step dad was wonderful. I however would be extremely wary if I were single. I even watch DP my DDs biological father very carefully. However this is because I was previously married to a paedophile.

Camel - i can't argue with you, you've clearly got a very firm opinion on this but 2 posters have already said they were abused by their biological fathers. Do you propose we stop all fathers having contact with their children? That's not protecting kids. That's taking love away from millions, abuse isn't the majority.

Cantankerouscamel Unfortunately we can't be there to protect our kids in every situation. Protecting them effectively has to involve helping them develop their own skills for managing risk and making good judgment. Teaching them (by example) that all men are dangerous is not helpful - if they want relationships with men in the future, how will this help them assess which ones to avoid and which to trust, and how to spot the red flags? We have to let go of our kids at some point and let them run their own lives - so much the better if we've helped equip them to do so by giving them the opportunity and freedom to practice making judgments in 'safe' circumstances.

Nor do I teach my kids that all men are dangerous. I just don’t give men access to harm them. This is not complicated

It was something that terrified me. My daughter's father (she was planned, we were together 4 years) left us when I was 6mths pregnant and I was sure I'd be single for years for this very reason. I made a conscious decision not to date until my daughter could speak fluently. I met a guy I instantly felt was 'the one'. It was 6 months before I felt comfortable to let him meet her (she was 3) for a 30 minute chat in the park, even though I trusted him and had no reason to be so afraid.
I waited a few more weeks to get the full picture of what she thought and then gradually allowed her to get to know him at her own pace.
We're now married and she loves her step dad to bits.
It's not a race and even if he's a saint it may not work out - why allow a potential bond if you will break up after 2 years? 6 months isn't that long to get to know a person for a grown ass woman, nevermind a naive child.
I also never made any mention of a small child on social media/when dating a stranger - sadly you never know and can't be too careful.
Maybe I was paranoid but it's scary.

Christina better to be paranoid than too trusting