A awkward Question to single mums

[Issy777]

How would you trust meeting another man when you have kids?
This will sound a horrible, uncomfortable question but I recently was witnessed to something my best friend went through a few years back
She was a single mum to her 9 year old daughter, met a guy in a restaurant we went to (a waiter) he was way too fast with her
To leave out the gruesome details, she caught him stroking daughters leg. Was horrific
She's now scared of meeting someone again. I'm in a bad relationship n think I only stay because i have two daughters n I just wouldn't.. couldn't trust another man, not just cos of what happened with bf but because it's something Iv always feared
What if u meet a guy he acts like Prince Charming, u become close so you're ready to introduce him to your child ? How can you trust his intentions? What he'd be capable off?
Just something I want to know as I know it's holding me back I know there's obvious going to be no way of knowing but for instance when and how long would u introduce your dc to new guy?

CantankerousCamel
Can you elaborate? I'm intrigued?

@CantankerousCamel

But women abuse too! My mother was horrible, emotionally and physically, and my father's sisters abused me sexually alongside him (ffing awful family dynamics there.)

Hiding children is not the answer; giving them the skills to cope, confide, defend themselves emotionally, that's what really matters.

Yes, @3ChangingForNow that's how I felt although society makes you feel you're a paranoid man hater - everyone takes it personally that you're so cautious if they are / have rushed in. It's a real hate fest for some reason. Kind of disturbing if you think about that for a second.
We can all only do as we see fit.

I'm in a bad relationship n think I only stay because i have two daughters

So the damage you are definitely causing them by staying in a bad relationship is just the lesser of two evils to you OP. How sad to live like that and how sad for your girls

I agree with Rixera. Many many children are abused by their biological father. Being with the "real" Dad doesn't nessecarily protect your kids.
Also agree that you must have a close relationship with your children and they need to know you trust and beleive what they tell you. But that goes for children who live with real Dad too.

Fermats you said:

PS it's one of the reasons internet dating is a no-no for me. I just don't see how you could screen out the paedophiles - and there are paedophiles who groom single mothers with the express intention of gaining access to their children.

Basically, when dating, I never mentioned I
had DC in my profile. It's pretty simple! (Although it has got me flamed on here for not being honest)
After a couple of dates, if I felt ok with them, I would mention it. I never felt it was that dishonest as most people over 30 have kids where I live so it's not a big shocker.
Interestingly, many many men rave on about their kids in theirs..and even post photos. I suppose they know the chances of them being groomed so that some woman can take advantage are slim to none.

Men are responsible for over 98% of child sexual abuse. The other 2% is mostly the mother.

So to be specific; don’t abuse your own kids and don’t give men access to abuse them.

I don’t really understand what more there is to elaborate on. If you leave your children with men they are at far higher risk than if you leave them with other women.

@CantankerousCamel women are less likely to be caught.

I am a member of a survivors' support group. There are 8 of us. 3 were abused by women sexually/physically. A further 2 had emotionally abusive/neglectful mothers.

Rixera

That might hold weight if the odds were even slightly even. The morgues and children’s homes are not full of children who have been harmed by women, it is by large a male crime. Yes some abuse does happen from women but minuscule on the scale and usually from mother to child.

The very best way to protect your kids from abuse is to not leave them with men.

My friend is a GP and she is very similar to CantankerousCamel she says no sleepovers she doesn’t even do play dates unless she is there. Seen & heard too many horrible stories to give anyone even the remotest opportunity.

@CantankerousCamel that only gives you one segment of society; the ones who died, and the ones whose abuse was caught.

Yes- the most overt abuse is often by men but you really cannot stop it by keeping your children in a tower. Abusers, regardless of gender, are opportunistic. If you teach your children how to deal with people who want to take advantage of them, that is setting them up for life in many ways.

@CantankerousCamel
What about you children's (if you have any) Father?
Would you leave them with him?

I am single (have been for around 4 years). I am shocked by how quickly people move on after relationship breakdowns. Start dating by all means, but it’s the rush to be a family unit that I find weird.

I can recall lots of stories in the papers over the years about babies and children killed by their mother’s new partners while the mothers were at work or on nights out. I can remember thinking even before I had children that it was wrong. The cases I am thinking of the relationships were very new, weeks or months. I would notrely on somebody I had known for such a short amount of time to be caring for my child in my absence, this is as much about the risks of physical abuse as sexual.

That said I don’t think all men are monsters just waiting for an opportunity and I don’t think paedophilia is really common. I understand what CantankerousCamel is saying, and I am naturally a wary person but men and women like this are in the minority. I am trying to foster a very open relationship with my son where he feels he can tell me anything, we discuss the idea of ‘tricky people’ and so on.

I hope that I won’t be single forever, but if I ever do date anybody then for a long time it will be while my son is with his Dad or my mum. I will be dating them, not forming an instant family.

Im a bit shocked by the comments here. I’m so sorry for all the abuse people describe but some of this advice is trauma talking. Never give men, even their own father access to your child? I don’t even know where to start with the many ways that’s not helpful advice.

Men are important parts of most children lives (whether grandfather, step father, older brothers). It’s really sad if children miss out on that from a generic fear (I’m not talking about red flags).

My advice- pick a man who treats you well but doesn’t love bomb you, don’t involve your children for a good while, go slow and ensure your children really, really know that you a) believe what they say b) are more important than any partner

I am not a single parent and have not experienced abuse (my heart goes out to all those who have and I am so sorry).

I read about the Cinderella affect on Wickepeida. It's not about sexual abuse but about the parenting aspect of step parents.

I've got nothing at all against step parents or non-biological/birth parents, and indeed one of my own kids is not my biological child (he is adopted) so I am just talking hypothetically here.

The Cinderella affect is about step parents not prioritizing their step children etc, in the way a bio parent would.

Anyway, this led me to an article which is, I think, quite interesting in what it suggests.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-scientific-fundamentalist/201101/why-are-stepparents-more-likely-kill-their-children

Welshmaiden85 "Im a bit shocked by the comments here. I’m so sorry for all the abuse people describe but some of this advice is trauma talking. Never give men, even their own father access to your child? I don’t even know where to start with the many ways that’s not helpful advice."

I think you has misread that, I am not sure anyone has said that.

I think what has been said is to keep children safe.

CantankerousCamel said "Not once have I said children shouldn’t see men. Men simply shouldn’t have access to abuse them. Any men. Even if you trust them."

Whether you do or do not agree with this view it is not saying 'Never give men, even their own father access to your child'.

It is 'Men simply shouldn’t have access to abuse them.'

CantankerousCamel also said "Nor do I teach my kids that all men are dangerous. I just don’t give men access to harm them. This is not complicated"

In a similar vein I try very hard not to tell my kids the world is a dangerous place! Even though I believe it is! I try and give my kids skills in situations, keep them safe, and give them plenty of times to feel free and run about (like running about in fields) but at a theme park they are clamped next to my side, or were when little.

Keeping kids safe doesn't mean making them feel fearful. I am not completely agreeing with CantankerousCamel but I can certainly see where she is coming from.

On Mumsnet we do read about lots of situations where people meet and live together very quickly and if they have kids I do feel that must be very difficult for the kids.

But, lastly, I would not stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of my kids, you do not need a man in your life and even if you have a man in your life he doesn't need to be in your house.

Good luck OP.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinderella_effect

to go back to the car analogy;

You MIGHT get hit by a car whilst walking on a pavement. Doesn’t mean you saunter down the road weaving amongst the cars because there is some risk anyway from the pavement. You choose the lowest possible risk. Which is not giving men access to abuse your kids.

even if you have a man in your life he doesn't need to be in your house.

Exactly.

I just don't understand why this is making you stay in a bad relationship. I didn't have any of these concerns, just didn't meet anyone after I split from my dd's dad and that was over thirty years ago. I have a great life. Why would anyone stay in a bad relationship?

You have to be careful, for sure. There is a risk. But as someone who was abused as a child by a relative (for years!) I'd say don't overdo it, don't be paranoid, the risk will still be there, from someone outside the home, from the future partner etc. And shit happens sometimes - to the best of us. Despite the craziest precautions. It's doesn't always make you totally broken though.

If you raise your children to have healthy self-esteem and you avoid being a risk group as much as possible (poverty would be one!) then that's all you can and should do. Being paranoid doesn't get you very far in that direction.

Here's interesting data on the risks www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/0145213484900450

17% or one out of approximately every six women who had a stepfather as a principal figure in her childhood years, was sexually abused by him. The comparable figures for biological fathers were 2% or one out of approximately 40 women.

Issy777
Why not just be single instead?

cantankerousCamel so you have kids but don't let them see their Dad alone or icky supervised visits? I couldn't imagine having children at all if I didn't trust their father, my own Dad, their teacher not to abuse them the second my back was turned.
If you have some will you advise any future DIL not to trust your son?

NEVER trust men with children.

Just. Never

You do know that there are also women who are paedophiles and child abusers, don't you?

Oops, just saw the point has already been brought up. And that child abuse by women is seriously underreported.

You can't live in paranoid fear, or pass it on to your children. Teach your children about limits and their bodies and how they should tell people they trust if someone does or says something that makes them feel uncomfortable.