LMD - moving on from abusive parents pt2

[Littlemissdemeanour]

As the old thread is filling up,

Link to old thread: Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3366847-Abusive-parents-I-phoned-the-police-Now-what

I keep hoping for reconciliation and that it will all go away and I can get safety, security, love

What chances would you give them of having an epiphany so wanting to change, and being capable of changing?

I describe my parents as soul cancer, Littlemiss.... I didn’t realise how much they had eaten away at me until I had my own children, and I saw the utter joy they took in random little things and realized what kind of response I would have received from my parents when faced with the same unbridled enthusiasm that my little muppets had. My kids are all really placid, sweet little people and my father lost it at my daughter when she was two - two!!! He gave her a lecture and attempted to run her character into the ground because she was trying to make him feel better because he was angry because rain was coming into his window. (That he had left open, btw...) Fortunately she was too little to understand, but that was his last contact with her and my other kids. My mother had lost her chance years before - I had nine broken arms from her before my tenth birthday. I had been trying to work out why my dad never stopped her violence. I understand your need to see reason where there is none, Littlemiss. I really do. My parents are both dead now, and their deaths haven’t brought me peace. There was no resolution. Of course it would have been lovely if there had been a Disney moment where they had admitted what had happened and apologised, but that’s not how things went. Mum hated me even more at the end of her life. I’ll never know why. I’m not a bad person. Do you want to know how I know this? I have some really smart, lovely people in my life who stick around and show me on a daily basis. They CHOOSE to be around me because they care. They have no biological obligation to hang around. They must like me. I think you have all the potential to realise this for yourself too!!!

justilou that's just horrific, your childhood. Did no one realise?!

They CHOOSE to be around me because they care. They have no biological obligation to hang around. They must like me.

Yes. It will happen for you too, LMD. You already have good friends. There are more out there. Some people won't be able to cope with you being NC with your parents and the change in perspective and experience, but many will.

I honestly think the only two reasons that some parents are so bloody awful are either that they are passing on their own damage, or else that they are just horribly selfish and don't care about anyone else.

I thought time would make it easier. Reality is it feels harder

This is to be expected, especially as the renewed contact knocked you back further, but it's all part of the process and although it feels horrible now it will all be worth it when time brings you greater peace

We all wish we could somehow skip over the time needed, but already you're making progress is sourcing counselling and reaching out on here and to friends. Small steps perhaps, but they're the steps which will get you there

@SeaEagle, people saw what they wanted to see. There is a very generous, public face that my mother loved to show the world, and dinner party stories of despair over her uncoordinated daughter, and tales of woe about when I shaved my eyebrows off or slashed chunks out of my hair right before my first school photos, etc... basically teaching me that there was no point trying to reach out to adults because they wouldn’t believe me. It was the 70’s. People routinely drove drunk and we didn’t wear seatbelts, have car seats or wear bike helmets. Parents literally got away with murder. If we didn’t have two very large dogs, perhaps my mother would have too.

sigh, that's awful justi.

I bet you that some people did not like the way she ran you down in public, even if they smiled politely. But your mother did too good a job isolating you emotionally. Even so - nine broken arms (and all the unstated rest) is appalling.

@SeaEagle - wasn’t great, but I’m okay. I’m healthy, happily married to an adorable man, and have three gorgeous kids and a fluffy, crazy dog, lots of really amazing friends from diverse walks of life. I’m happy. (And can look back and honestly say that there is no way that they were - even for one minute.)

Hope you're okay Littlemiss and that there haven't been any more ghastly texts ... or indeed any kind of contact to distress you

You’re doing really well with all this.

How are things with work now? Have you had an outcome? Hope things are improving for you

Afternoon all

Sorry I've not felt like much these last two days and Monday it all hit me like a tonne of bricks and I was terribly upset. Fortunately I had my friend with me all day, and stayed the following night too.

I did get a text on the Monday from F saying 'are you free and willing to talk'. I haven't replied. You can't just kick me down like a dog on Friday then send that; and yet again, it's like the onus is passed to me. Counsellor tomo.

@justilou1 I'm so terribly sorry to read of your abuse as a child. That's absolutely horrific that no authority stepped in - as well as your father. Just horrendous. You read as such a strong person, and a wonderful mother. You've been such a help to me here too 

dear god your father is a piece of work.

I hope seeing your counsellor will help you through the next week, lovely.

Yeah. This is his cycle, isn't it?

I think it was me who posted about DS2's lovely girlfriend. She's lived with us since my DS found out her DF had been hitting her.

She's been safe with us for six years now, though she still tries to repair things with her DPs. We all love her. She will probably be my DIL in time. It won't change anything if she doesn't. She has my love either way.

You remind me of her, Littlemissdemeanour. Like you, she's an amazingly stable loveable person despite her totally dysfunctional family. I have huge respect for her - and for you.

She is loved and secure. So will you be. Trust in the process. Listen to people who have already been through it.

He probably should have texted "Are you free to LISTEN". I doubt you'd get much talking in.

You don't have to do anything until you're good and ready! You are in charge now.

Thank you @Prawnofthepatriarchy 

I hope DS's GF is flourishing with your family's support.

I read your last thread, but this is my first comment.

Addicts miss the substance that ruined their lives when they give it up too. is absolutley true.

The hurt will change shape, come and go, and eventually retreat to the back of your mind and will occasionally pop up when you see or hear something reminiscent of the past. At which point you'll have a small jolt followed by a rush of relief that things are not like that any more.

My counsellor often said 'Be kind to yourself ' and she's right. You have just done a huge thing and will be physically and mentally drained. If the only things you do for the next week are to stay no contact and eat, you'll be doing bloody well.

Allow yourself to rest and recuperate - might take weeks,might take months. It doesn't matter. This period is an investment in your future. All of the years of freedom ahead are worth it.

You can do this - you already are!

If the only things you do for the next week are to stay no contact and eat, you'll be doing bloody well....Allow yourself to rest and recuperate - might take weeks,might take months. It doesn't matter. This period is an investment in your future

Couldnt agree more

She is indeed flourishing, Littlemissdemeanour. She's doing a Masters and is on course to get a first. She's already been offered a place to do a PhD. Her parents didn't even want her to take A levels.

I'm sure she's such a high achiever partly to make her parents proud. I fear that nothing she does will make them the loving family she dreams of. Still, we're behind her. Not the same, I realize, but I think it's some comfort.

good luck tomorrow OP

little it does seem like a cycle. Try to channel the anger when it hits you into resolve if you can. Hope it goes well at the counsellor tomorrow.

prawn don't underestimate the value of telling someone you've played a decent part of life in that you're proud of them. I did something this year that I would never have done previously. The person who told me they were proud of me was my old Headmaster. It meant a lot as my parents would never say that to me, it also meant a lot because he was very genuine over it whereas if my parents ever did utter those words they wouldn't mean it or would lace it with another insult.

I read your first thread quite a while back and just want to say how brave you are and how far you've come. What horrific messages. They must have been so upsetting to receive -- yet, also, have confirmed that you are not imagining things and that their behaviour is abusive; really cruel and essentially quite mad. Not kind, not respectful, not appropriate.

Well done for ignoring the ridiculous text ... and good luck tomorrow

You could discuss with your counsellor tomorrow whether you should reply reiterating the no contact message. They have ignored the last one, and you responded. They may claim that you continued to communicate with them. Maybe send it again. My concern is that if you don't respond they will try to ambush you for the second time.
Your parents keep picking at the wound- they don't want you to heal, they want to keep you weak and dependant on them. Hence leaving it a few days between messages
You said that your parents are involved with a Church- it is hard to reconcile their behaviour with meaningful religious faith but sadly abusers can hide behind it

Littlemiss- sometimes when you’re trying to empathize, it comes across as a competition. I hope my story didn’t come across that way. I am strong now - and very happy. That was the point of the probable overshare. I wanted you to know that it is very possible for you to get from where you are to where I am with a bit of time, a bit of work and a bit of pain. It’s definitely worth it, love! I really want to pick you up and give you the biggest hug right now because I am feeling with you. I know you need hope more than anything and I want you to know that it’s there and it’s tangible. If you pm me, I will reply any time. Another advantage is the time difference, so if you can’t sleep, I’m awake here on the other side of the planet! I hope you know that I am being thoroughly genuine with this offer. I am a positive person, who is not bitterly hanging onto my past. I do not justify bad deeds by saying that bad things were done to me (in fact, I think that’s the worst excuse ever and think that it inspires me to be even more conscientious.). You truly sound like a valuable human being. You have intelligence and a conscience. You have one of the rarest and most valuable human attributes - kindness - in spades. Please start to hear your real-life friends as well as us when we point this out to you. We are going to unknit some of the wonky patterning to get to the real you - until you can see and believe it for yourself!

How did your counselling session go?
Hope it helped.
I wouldn't reply to your father.
Keep strong and know we are all with you.