LMD - moving on from abusive parents pt2

[Littlemissdemeanour]

As the old thread is filling up,

Link to old thread: Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3366847-Abusive-parents-I-phoned-the-police-Now-what

Hello, glad I found you. Good to see you talked to your friend

Found your new thread. You remind me of DS2's lovely girlfriend who has been living with us for six years now. She was driven out of her family home by her DF's violence.

As she said to me "Prawn, I'm only 23 and I still hope my parents will love me. Is that so wrong?" I didn't weep until I was alone, but my heart broke for her.

Poor darling her, and poor darling you. You are bound to grieve for the relationship you long to have with your DPs. You've probably been longing for a better relationship for many years now. It's going to take time to accept that they will never be the parents you long for.

Unfortunately time changes your expectations and your choices, Littlemiss. Counselling and friends teach you who you really are when you no longer have to play the roles you had been set at birth. The negative voices of your parents will fade from your inner dialogue over time and you will hurt less and less. You will find that you will notice that you hadn’t been expecting them to call, or hadn’t been disappointed or frightened by them. It will be a liberating and joyous moment for you. I can tell by the way you express yourself that you have the strength to do this.

You’re on your way to getting through the process of change you need to.

It’s taken a while for you to fully realise they are abusive but you’ve got there now.

The next stage is for you to realise you are not responsible for them being abusive and therefore then nothing you can do to change them.

Therefore they will always be abusive towards you and the only way you can change that is by accepting that’s who they are but not accepting them being abusive to you to you ever again

It's normal for this to still hurt. You have lived this dysfunctional dynamic for years - that doesn't heal in a matter of weeks. Please don't beat yourself up over not making some kind of miraculous recovery - give yourself time to mend.

Also Littlemiss, there is a belief in our society that when children are abused by their parents, eventually some adult will realise and will step up and stop this abuse like a superhero or a knight on a white horse. Unfortunately, for most for us, those characters remained fictitious, so we had to save ourselves.

Sending a hug and my prayers of support and encouragement. I’m nearly 30 years ahead of you in the process - I went nc with my toxic parents in 1989. I can assure you it gets easier with every year that passes. I no longer hear their critical voices in my head. I feel validated by the love of my children, and the pride that I gave them the happy loving childhood that I lacked. I became a Christian and am secure in the knowledge that I am loved by God, my heavenly parent, in all the ways that I wasn’t by my earthly ones. They are now both dead, and I didn’t shed a tear or attend their funerals- I feel relieved they are gone.
Your self esteem will gradually recover, OP, with every positive, loving thing that people do and say to you, with every achievement you manage, however small - even just getting through another day.
Have a life, OP. Have a wonderful, enjoyable, positive life, and don’t look back. You’ve got this! God bless.

Good timing on starting the new thread, Littlemiss

Delighted you had such a good time yesterday, and very glad you confided in your friend; I'm sure seeing others' reactions in RL will really help and this kind of back-up will be so important as you move forward

It might seem a while until Thursday, but maybe try to look at it in the light of nothing having changed. Deep down you know how toxic these people are, and all they've really done is to give you yet more evidence of their hate filled minds

And forgive me for repeating myself, but please please don't get talked into meeting up with them. I really am quite worried about this, and knowing your very understandable capacity for self doubt I'm genuinely concerned about you putting yourself in the firing line and allowing them to hurt you yet more

Well done for sharing the text with your friend. That is a big deal and will help you to move on.

Hopefully your friend knowing will give you more moral support. :)

Joining you on your new thread. Awesome that you managed to show the texts to your friend. Her reaction, and the support you are getting on here is indicative of how 'normal' people behave (if there is such a thing as normal on MN )
Please try to remember that if the self doubt rears it's head

This may sound crazy... but I feel like I'm missing them now

It is not crazy; the relationship is what you’re used to. There is a vacuum where they were so it’s very normal you miss them. But don’t let that weaken you

No it's not crazy...because even the nasty texts etc was engagement. Going completely no contact is hard with parents which is why you need real life support to get through this.

I don't think it sounds crazy. I missed my abusive husband for awhile after I kicked him out. Even if they are shits, they've still been a presence in your life (albeit a negative one) and so their absence creates a 'hole'. But it's a hole that you'll fill with someone/something positive for your life.

Give yourself some time to adjust. Rome wasn't built in a day and it'll take time (and counseling) to find your way in this new positive life you'll create for yourself.

Plus you miss the fallacy of a better relationship you’d hoped might one day have been.

Hi Littlemiss

I suspect they've given you love as well as control. Otherwise it wouldnt be so hard to break away; and few people, few parents, are without all love.

But sometimes two married people affect each other very badly and a strange dynamic takes place where they dump their own weirdnesses on their children. So you get mixed love and nastiness. I think it's clear from your previous posts that you felt real love growing up from your GP and some from your parents, though that was more flawed.

But in the end the need to control and dump their shit on you won out over genuine love and wish to see you flourish .. and theyve gone a long way down that road.

Sadly, and it's very sad, you are their dumping ground for hate and your GPs are weak. You are better off finding the clear cool refreshing, if shocking, cold water that acrossthepond talked of.

Addicts miss the substance that ruined their lives when they give it up too. They have played a huge part in defining who you are for such a long time, Littlemiss... I know from experience that you have barely made any decisions in life without hearing their opinions (real or imagined) on the subject. You will have subconsciously sought their approval and validation (and failed to achieve it - or only achieved it conditionally) all your life, and been compared constantly to others in a negative fashion, as though you will never get your life together like other people. This is all so you will remain hooked in and dependent upon them. If they keep you needy, you will never blossom. If you never blossom, you will never leave them. It’s a very vicious and destructive cycle.

Reading all the replies, and they really make sense.

I've not slept and I feel very weak about everything. It's like what @SeaEagleFeather said some posts back and about her DS's Gf and Just wanting to be loved and not understanding the why.

I keep hoping for reconciliation and that it will all go away and I can get safety, security, love. And then I reread what that man said to me in that message.

I thought time would make it easier. Reality is it feels harder.

Oh Sweetie, it will for a while.... then it won’t. I promise. I really promise. It’s not empty words from some bored old bat on the other side of the world.

I’m not bored, I promise. I have three lovely kids who happen to know they are loved. I know this, because I frequently ask them. (They’re old enough to give an honest answer and to know why it’s important to me.) I also have very close friends and a lovely, lovely husband. I never would have thought this was possible.

Thank you so much @justilou1 and I'm so sorry you had this too.

I read your post and think am I ever going to get there; to be loved, meet someone, have my own family. Your post gives me a little hope (feeling pretty hopeless right now)

To quote someone a bit more wise than me it will get better in time, but time takes time you know.

I echo what justlou says about making decisions without hearing their voice whether actual or just in the back of their head. I'm learning to block the internal one out now. The last year I've pulled a few acts of rebelliousness out, I'm nearly 40 and have done some things I was never allowed to without either directly my parents' forbidding, heavily criticising or just knowing they'd do either. I'm not talking major life choices here either - highlights include getting a piercing and buying a particular brand of boots. Its taken a long while for me to realise how insidious the opinions were.

Hi Little Miss...

I just want to say; you are utterly amazing.

Your strength and sense of self worth are visibly increasing, and you were so eloquent and assertive with the unhelpful replies you got in the other thread, let alone the exemplary way in which you've shown that even after years of abuse, culminating in such a truly horrific event and the disgusting behaviour of family thereafter, it's still possible to come out of the other side and continue to heal...

Hurrah for you!

Not that you have to be an example to anyone, mind you, you have every right to feel devastated and to be built up by us, and I for one am glad that you did at least get some compassion here...

You deserve all the good things life can possibly have to offer, and I am sending you hugs and flowers.