LMD - moving on from abusive parents pt2

[Littlemissdemeanour]

As the old thread is filling up,

Link to old thread: Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3366847-Abusive-parents-I-phoned-the-police-Now-what

Yay go you for acting so decisively and standing up for yourself.

Onwards and upwards

 I feel like it's going to be ok !

Absolutely. You are doing amazing, be proud of yourself

Wow, just popped on to see how you're doing LMD, only to find that Wonder Woman's taken over the thread! Well done for being so decisive and strong about this guy. You sound so much more emboldened and if this is the consequence of five weeks away from your toxic family, think what you'll be like after a few months!

You really have got this. [grins]

LMD - it already is okay. You are totally kicking arse! Up with shit you will not put. Not now. Not anymore! You are not going to allow someone to minimise or project their behaviour - or even worse, try and take responsibility or bloody fix it! You saw it for what it was - HIS problem. He's a nearly 50 year old man (which probably IS a massive problem for him, btw....) and can deal with this himself - or not. Not your circus, not your monkeys. (But you can look back and smile smugly)

He sounded like it was a heck of a surprise to him and sometimes people get angry when actually they are disappointed.

But when the vibes ain't right, they ain't right and you did absolutely the right thing =)

I feel like it's going to be ok !

As justilou said, it's already okay - and it's getting better by the day. There'll probably be the occasional wobble along the way but you're very much on the right track now

Superb handling of this guy too

LMD you used the phrase "worthy of better". I really, really love that phrase! Because 'worthy' means you have earned it. 'Deserve' can sound a bit entitled, but 'worthy' really hits it!

When I find myself in a situation where I'm accepting less than I should, I am going to remind myself that I am 'worthy of better'.

You're all too kind!

I agree with PP that when people are shocked they may get angry. Yet he was so short with me - on more than one occasion. I tried to be nice and phone and explain (as that's the right thing to do IMO, but to hang up and then ignore my text just shows who he is, and exactly why I do feel I'm worthy of better).

Ah yes, the word worthy. I think I'm getting better at this concept. It would be so easy to be with someone like this; all great until it's not. Every day would be teetering on the edge - sound familiar?!

I did feel quite guilty as the morning wore on, thought oh hell LMD. One week ago you were being very charmed by this man and life was rosy, BUT it was all words, only words. The words could not translate into actions for him, and that's just not enough for me.

There were a few things he kept from me too, I felt and I totally agree with 'when the fun stops, stop'.

I do feel a wee bit serene about it now. It's like I'm able to properly see things for what they are (I'm confident that before the last couple of months, I would have stayed with this man, always looking for that high).

I told my lovely friend today about him (she's been away the last week). And her first words were (in response to me telling her he said he loved me were: 'you didn't believe him did you?' And she's so right. He was over the top when it suited him, to get what he wanted. Then when that stopped, it felt like me being there was an inconvenience.

The other thing I didn't post about earlier was the fact about he lied about his age, and had a 3 yo he doesn't see. You would think these are fairly large things.

Still nothing from work (ffs), and had to extend sick note again!

So grateful to everyone that keeps posting. I take something from every post, and it really keeps me going.

Did you say the chap was an actor? Clearly not a very good one as you saw through his act. He strike me as someone that likes to get what he wants, when he wants it and then proceeds to throw his toys out the pram when it doesn't go his way.

Bullet well dodged.

I hope work are paying you whilst they do whatever it is they are doing. Are you able to chase them up at all?

Yeah. Actor and model- of course he was! Quite infuriating actually, as he's been cast in a bbc series I really like, so will have to look at his mug in future.

Yeah I do get paid - for 6 months. I instigated the process in August (after being off a month) and was told it would be concluded in 2 weeks.... and here we are in November !

I feel like I'm hanging on waiting for meetings, so reluctant to plan things / go away - but maybe the time has come?

Do you have a HR department / union that you can go to speed things along? It's very unfair that it's taking this long with no real progress when you were initially told 2 weeks.

Have you made any plans for Christmas yet?

HR been in on at and without being too unkind ... are not helpful.

Not a member of union and looked at joining retrospectively, but was told not possible!

No Christmas plans, ho ho ho 

Hey..just wanted to suggest a name change...WonderWoman...? You totally saw through the bs! He sounds like a dick.
As he is 'famous' prob not used to being called out on his shit.

Thanks @Rubyslippers7780 still a wee bit shocked at how mean he was

LMD, I your sense of humour is really starting to show. Years ago I read about how a sense of humour was a form of intelligence which developed to make unbearable situations well..... bearable. I wonder if that's why there are so many tortured comedians out there?

Meanwhile, back at the ranch.... I your previously undisclosed info about your MAW (Model/Actor/Whatever) is enlightening. Suspect you have dodged yet another personality disorder. Well done! When you grow up with shit like that, you are attracted to what is familiar initially, then it becomes incredibly uncomfortable. Fortunately you are a very fast learner! Regardless, he doesn't behave in a manner that shows you respect, and you certainly don't respect his behaviour either. The writing was on the wall early enough that you could jump back out before your heart was smashed too badly, or before you could guilt trip yourself into staying for any neurotic reasons. Hopefully this means you will have confidence to know that you can do this again without it breaking you again!

As for your work..... What about legal advice? If HR are dicking around, surely it's time for further action? This is ridiculous!!!

Evening all, and hello Australia @justilou1 !

Thanks for support over the actor and his ego. After talking friend and counsellor I've concluded that not only did I do the right thing, I took ownership sooner than I would have previously, and put my needs first. I feel quite good about it today, actually!

How are you about the home town the More time passes, @justilou1 - it's been on my mind.

As for work... on advice of counsellor, and with agreement with my colleague (joint grievance), I'm going to send an email to HR stating this had taken 4 months, and half pay commences at time of 6 months, so assurances are now required, given we have complied and pushing for resolution. And so forth.

Eugh !!!

Again with the taking control thing, LMD! You go, Girl!!! I am doing the same thing. About to grow some ladyballs of my own. Have done some massive thinking about why I'm so miserable here and have concluded that there's more to it than just the town. Have some BIG discussions ahead when husband comes home from his latest work junket re-impossible life engineering. Thanks for asking. Have also discussed this with friends and I'm not going mad. Husband who is normally quite nice, has his head up his arse and is being an oblivious, entitled, twat. This will change.

Just checking in LMD.. hope you are still feeling positive. You are inspirational in your strength.

Hello all

Thanks @Rubyslippers7780

@justilou1 - how did the chat go?

I'm struggling a bit today; it's the realisation of it's a bit static (before there was hope with the date, not spending every waking second alone, etc).

I've had a fine enough day; cleaned the home top to bottom, everything gleaming BUT there has to be more to life than this?!

I want to dress up, go out, see people, meet people! I feel like I'm 90.

Sorry it's a bit of a Debbie Downer and indulgent, I would just hope for some positivity - anything.

I send a very firm email to work too regarding the length of the grievance process, and asking it to be escalated to the head of HR. Pretty sure it won't go down well, but I've been off for 4 months and with Christmas and everything coming, there will be more delays. And before we know it, I'll go onto half pay and no resolution through no fault of my own!

Come on positivity ... where are YOU?!

4 months is bad, it doesn’t take 4 months to resolve a grievance does it?
I’d be worried that I’d be made redundant. Anxious times

@PaleRider1 Jesus, hadn't even considered that I'd be made redundant????

You shouldn't worry about being alone LMD.

I've always said I'd rather have a calm solo voyage than a stormy cruise.
But I don't like drama and do my.best to avoid people that bring it with them.
Enjoy this almost for what it is, peace.

Work will sort itself, if it doesn't, new jobs can be found and that'll give a whole new adventure and group of folk to meet.

Keep on keeping family at arm's length and that drama and storm away from you.

And dating.. well better to pick a port you want to visit than pick any port in a storm.

Is that enough if the sailing / sea faring nonsense? Yes.. yes it is.

Enjoy ye calm sea me heartie, thar be time yet for more adventures.. argh...

Altogether now...
"Twas on the good ship Venus,
By God he should have seen us,
The figure head, twas a nude in bed,
Holding a rampant ......"

@KlutzyDraconequus that's so lovely - thank you so much. I really appreciate the words! Are you Scottish?

No not Scottish. Wish I were. Lol.

I'm a Yorkshire lad. :)

Why do you ask?
I did visit Scotland many years ago, went ok over on a tour.