AIBU to think DH could have thought for himself?

[Thistledew]

I mostly get DS ready for nursery as he goes on days that DH leaves early for work. Today DH was working from home so got DS dressed whilst I was getting dressed. He dressed him in a smart pair of corduroy trousers and a pale cotton jumper.

I commented that I wouldn't have dressed him in such smart clothes for nursery and said no more. DH said that he didn't think he knew what were DS's smart clothes.

This evening, DH said that he had not liked the way I had spoken and that I should have said that those clothes were too smart and asked him to change DS. He said I made him feel stupid.

This is not the first time that DH has dressed DS in his best clothes to go to nursery. I recall at least one, if not two, occasions where DH has got DS dressed and I have asked him to change him out of smart jeans etc. DH was also with me when I bought DS some hard wearing but easy clean clothes specifically for nursery. He knows that they often do painting, gluing etc and that DS is a bit messy when he is feeding himself with only minor supervision.

I did not think that I was being unreasonable in just commenting that I would not have dressed DS in that way. I thought that it was preferable to undermining DH by telling him to redress DS.

On reflection, I wonder if DH was in fact more offended because I had not told him what to do. If I had told him to redress DS he could have had a minor grumble at me being fussy but that would have been the end of his effort. By just commenting that I would have done differently I put the ball back in his court to make him think about what to do and to think about the decisions he had made. He then had to weigh up the risk of the clothes getting ruined and make his own mind up as to whether it was worth the hassle of changing DS. What he resented was not me criticising his choices but me making him take the mental load.

Does this make sense or is there something I'm missing?

BTW, DH has, without comment, done a sterling job this evening with the Vanish and it is likely that the chicken curry stains will be barely visible on the pale cotton top!

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Yep, that comes across as passive aggressive to me too and I’d not have reacted well.

You say he has form for wanting DS to look smart so it was hardly surprising it happened again. All this could have been fine your way with a passing comment like ‘I think they are painting again today’ when you asked him to get DS dressed.

When my DH dressed our DD is always looked like she’d picked out her oytfit herself! I could either accept that’s how it was or lay out an outfit ready if it was that important to me. No need for any conflict that way.

I was not to micro manage, which is why I didn't suggest DH change DS.

OTOH, I do try to 'manage' DS's wardrobe so that he has some smarter clothes for best alongside clothes that I don't mind getting stained and tatty.

I agree with duchess sort of.

He didn't like you pointing out he had made a silly clothing choice, it hurt his feelings. I can see how that can be construed as micro managing.

But, you are right in that this peed him off because he had to make the decision to possibly send DS in unsuitable clothing, rather than defaulting to the fallback that you 'nagged' him to change your son's clothes.

But kudos to him for taking responsibility for doing the laundry shitwork as a consequence for his actions. Many men wouldn't, and I suspect it will be a life lesson for him.

If you weren't going to insist or suggest he changed him, why make the comment at all.

That would have really pissed me off, tbh.

We have had disagreements previously about him defaulting to me to make decisions regarding DS's care when he is, or should be, just as capable of doing the thinking. Yes, I could have found clothes myself or told DH what to dress him in, but surely he should be capable of selecting something appropriate himself?

How should I have responded so as to get him to appreciate that he had made a stupid choice of clothes, without making him feel stupid?

I can see it from both sides. It is annoying when the other adult doesn't think logically and you feel like you have to manage and think about everything. However, I'd be annoyed if someone kept telling me how to do a job. But he should know better.

He dressed him in what he wanted to, you thought it stupid, he didn’t. He’s not allowed to have different tastes and opinions to you otherwise it’s stupid and yet you won’t tell him what you want so you set him up to fail.

just day what you want if it’s that important to you. He’s probably sick of you expecting him to be able to read your mind and being able to even dress his own child without you controlling it.

Does it really matter if DS wears smart clothes to nursery? What are you keeping the clothes for? Best? Clothes are merely things to protect our skin and keep us warm. At a nursery age they just need to be able to run and play. That’s the requirement of most clothes really.

Exactly Faster and yet you’d be ‘stupid’ to think that and expected to comply with the OP’s opinions instead.

I didn't ask him to dress DS. DS needed dressing and I was showering. I was genuinely surprised that he chose those clothes. I did think about asking him to change DS but thought better of it. DH saw me react so I had to say something. I don't understand why he would have been ok with me asking him to change the clothes but not with me just saying that wasn't how I would have dressed him. I do think I had a point with my comment, given that it has taken a fair amount of wasted time and effort to get the clothes clean again.

Just "well done you, doesn't he look smart," then having praised you can bring up the issue of it getting ruined. Frame it as a question in an non patronising way. Repeat how well he dressed his son and how good he looks. Pretend to be impressed.

Get good at this and make it a thing that daddy does smart boy clothes combos. He then gets the lifetime job of picking smart outfits for occasions. Mental load lightened by one. Up the ante to daddy getting the job of taking son to occasions. Before you know it birthday parties passed on too.

Oh right and then when you have to take him to a christening or nice party and all his clothes are stained and tatty you just go and 'buy more' I guess.

OP YANBU. And I bet that there are other examples of your DH getting annoyed when you put the onus back on him not to do something daft and then if he does, deal with the consequences. Mental load is a THING.

All you had to say was “DH, thanks - those are actually DS’s smart clothes - can you swap him into his nursery things please?”

Why would you tell him that’s what you wouldn’t do? That is passive aggressive.

But why are you the boss of clothes? What makes your choice of clothing more correct than DH’s? I’m not being an arsehole. My own child went to nursery in joggers and a pj’s top today as my mum dressed him. He didn’t have a clean pj top for bed so went to sleep wearing a pair of pj bottoms and a clean t shirt. Cos it really just doesn’t matter.

I like to keep some clothes that are a bit smarter. I have clothes that I keep for doing messy jobs in so that I have nice things to wear for days out. DS gets messy at nursery. I have no problem with that, but I would rather he did so in clothes that are easy to wash or that won't look too bad if they are a bit stained.

I think you're both adults, you should both be able to choose what your dc wear if and when you're taking responsibility for doing it. When my dcs were young enough to need us to choose their clothes, dh and i would choose quite different outfits. It's just personal taste isn't it?

So just talk to each other. Stop being so bloody passive aggressive and get ok with parenting together.

I'm not expecting DH to read my mind. I expect him to apply his mind to the fact we have had the same conversation previously and he knows that I specifically bought suitable clothes for nursery.

LemonTT - I think even in his most obtuse mood DH would find that incredibly patronising.

If you want DS to wear certain clothes to nursery choose them and dress him yourself. Your DH is entitled to make other choices about suitable clothes.

It's just clothes. And not worth quarrelling over -- surely?

Then tell your dh that! We didn’t have special smart clothes for ours at that age unless we have a special event and I would buy something. All clothes were free game - because toddlers are messy anyway and grew so fast there was no point.