AIBU to think DH could have thought for himself?

[Thistledew]

I mostly get DS ready for nursery as he goes on days that DH leaves early for work. Today DH was working from home so got DS dressed whilst I was getting dressed. He dressed him in a smart pair of corduroy trousers and a pale cotton jumper.

I commented that I wouldn't have dressed him in such smart clothes for nursery and said no more. DH said that he didn't think he knew what were DS's smart clothes.

This evening, DH said that he had not liked the way I had spoken and that I should have said that those clothes were too smart and asked him to change DS. He said I made him feel stupid.

This is not the first time that DH has dressed DS in his best clothes to go to nursery. I recall at least one, if not two, occasions where DH has got DS dressed and I have asked him to change him out of smart jeans etc. DH was also with me when I bought DS some hard wearing but easy clean clothes specifically for nursery. He knows that they often do painting, gluing etc and that DS is a bit messy when he is feeding himself with only minor supervision.

I did not think that I was being unreasonable in just commenting that I would not have dressed DS in that way. I thought that it was preferable to undermining DH by telling him to redress DS.

On reflection, I wonder if DH was in fact more offended because I had not told him what to do. If I had told him to redress DS he could have had a minor grumble at me being fussy but that would have been the end of his effort. By just commenting that I would have done differently I put the ball back in his court to make him think about what to do and to think about the decisions he had made. He then had to weigh up the risk of the clothes getting ruined and make his own mind up as to whether it was worth the hassle of changing DS. What he resented was not me criticising his choices but me making him take the mental load.

Does this make sense or is there something I'm missing?

BTW, DH has, without comment, done a sterling job this evening with the Vanish and it is likely that the chicken curry stains will be barely visible on the pale cotton top!

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The mental load of this task was done. He dresses him and picked clothes. It was the ops opinion that these clothes were the right ones. She's the one increasing the mental load.

Hee dh has explained how he feels, but apparantly that can't be valid because he is a man. He is wrong there too and it's actually about him resenting his wife trying to make him think. Or he could be just telling the truth and how he feels.

People tell women here all the time their feelings are their feelings, which make them valid. But when it comes to men it must be about them trying to get out of something.

OP is increasing the 'mental load and then assuming he is lying about his feelings and resents her for making him use his brain. Pretty sure that wouldn't be ok, if it was the other way round.

But everything that the OP says suggests that the DH does agree that their son should have a selection of smarter clothes as opposed to play clothes. And the OP has also said that she didn’t mind DS wearing the clothes, what she didn’t want was the extra work of getting the stains out.

Sounds like DH was annoyed that his actions had the consequence of having to spend his Friday night soaking his child’s clothes. However somehow that is OP’s fault because she didn’t tell him to change what he had dressed DS in.
I expect DH will have learnt to use common sense next time.

And as for the ‘mental load’, I agree that OP is a little OTT. But be honest, how often is it the mothers noticing that the kids clothes are too small or worn vs the fathers? My DH can’t even seem to distinguish which items belong to the 4yr old rather than the 7yr old, so the odds of him proactively thinking ‘child x needs a new cardi’ are zero.

All part and parcel of having children. Those 'tasks' don't have to have joint and several liability attached, either parent can do them. If one does them that doesn't make the other deficient. OP says that her husband is good so I'll take what she says and not join in the hyperbole on the thread.

Audi sends me reminders to bring my car for MOT/servicing - as a car owner, I should be able to think of that myself. But I don't. Audi does.

Honestly, I think there are lots of parents out there who would be ultimately happier if they weren't as it all seems too, too much for them.

This is so very common.

Pick your battles with dh. I completely understand OP....I've been there, done that and have the battle scars lol

But what he's wearing is not the right battle. Discipline, life skills etc✅

Nursery will be very familiar and will beable to tell the difference when the main care giver dresses their child and the other care giver dresses the child.

Your dh is probably peeved that you've picked up on something that to him is small especially if he tried his best. It's like someone saying...you missed a bit. Is dressing his child his strong point....possibly not, but it could've been so much worse, believe me.

I recently saw the same issue....dad had dressed child in all super hero themed clothing. Dad thought he'd aced it. However mum not happy the child dressed in pyjama bottoms, Tshirt and waistcoat☺️. Did the child care....no....he was every super hero going😃. Did we judge because of how dressed....no. Half the time little ones can end up in mismatched clothing because they've been playing in the water, paint 😬, cooking.

Pick your battles OP and take a photo. When your child is 18 you can put it up for his friends to see...then your child can say....Dad wtf!

Go give your dh a big hug💗💪🏻

strawberrisc Omg 😂

OP, I think if/when more DCs come along, you will probably have to lower standards a little or it will get too much. As PPs have said, pick your battles. It's just not worth it.

I totally get where OP is coming from, however I just think men think differently to us when it comes to child rearing and that they are just better at other things. Maybe this is controversial but I believe it's in our make-up.

When my DH used to care for our DD one day a week when she was small, I came back from work to find her dressed in PJs (he thought they were day clothes), one time her dress was on back to front and one time I had a photo where she had a 'dress" on which was actually a top that barely covered her bottom. Luckily she had tights on!

However I am totally rubbish at any DIY tasks which DH is brilliant at.

Sounds like DH was annoyed that his actions had the consequence of having to spend his Friday night soaking his child’s clothes. However somehow that is OP’s fault because she didn’t tell him to change what he had dressed DS in.
I expect DH will have learnt to use common sense next time.

Or he could just feel how he said he feels. Why, when men express how they feel, do people assume that's not correct and his feeling something else. He is actually just annoyed at having to do something.

Just tell him straight that he's an idiot for not being able to read your mind. Then he'll know for sure.

We have had disagreements previously about him defaulting to me to make decisions regarding DS's care when he is, or should be, just as capable of doing the thinking. Yes, I could have found clothes myself or told DH what to dress him in, but surely he should be capable of selecting something appropriate himself?

He did think for himself, he chose those clothes, I am not sure what the ptoblem is here, he chose he clothes, got him ready and dealt with any issue that he felt needed dealing with. I call that thinking for himself. It is his son too, I assume he contributed to the cost of the clothes why can’t he choose when his son wears them.

but surely he should be capable of selecting something appropriate himself?

It was appropriate, many of us on this thread are just like your DH and aren’t so precious as you.

You sound an absolute nightmare

I don't necessarily think that women are better at child-rearing, or that it's in our 'make-up', PussinBin. I do think that WE generally think we're better at it - and we tend to take over, compare ourselves with other women - and keep score.

We do all of that to our detriment and misery, in my opinion.

If a man would be on par with his wife - putting in the same time and effort - and the 'role' of special Uber-Parent couldn't be claimed by her, I think there would be uproar at home.

I think this because I've seen threads where a chid prefers Daddy when they want comfort and the Mum posting is distraught about that. We WANT to be the 'special one' and we don't generally care that this isn't fair.

When my twins started nursery I rearranged their cupboard and put all their clothes that were suitable for nursery in a box at the front. Told dh specifically that’s their nursery clothes pile. We have a very large family and have a birthday or wedding or something or other every couple of weeks. I’m not sending them to nursery in their best clothes! Why don’t you just put his nursery clothes in a pile so it’s easy for your dh to find them

I know this isn't the point of the thread but when kids are doing messy things at nursery, can they not just wear those slip on long sleeved bib top things? My DD had one and it was great. It is a PITA to be scrubbing food stains out of clothes whether they are the 'best' clothes or not, and it's expensive not to mention environmentally unfriendly to keep buying new, plus personally I wouldn't want the alternative of my kid just going round in stained messy clothing. Bib top. Problem solved.

This is what I mean www.hippychick.com/products/hippychick-bumkins-sleeved-bibs?v=1229&gclid=EAIaIQobChMItuvtta-I3gIVUvlRCh1frwH1EAQYBCABEgLfL_D_BwE
Obvs nursery staff would have to say 'OK kids we're going to do messy play/eat lunch - let's put on your cover-ups' or whatever they want to call them, but I would have thought this is common sense?