AIBU to think DH could have thought for himself?

[Thistledew]

I mostly get DS ready for nursery as he goes on days that DH leaves early for work. Today DH was working from home so got DS dressed whilst I was getting dressed. He dressed him in a smart pair of corduroy trousers and a pale cotton jumper.

I commented that I wouldn't have dressed him in such smart clothes for nursery and said no more. DH said that he didn't think he knew what were DS's smart clothes.

This evening, DH said that he had not liked the way I had spoken and that I should have said that those clothes were too smart and asked him to change DS. He said I made him feel stupid.

This is not the first time that DH has dressed DS in his best clothes to go to nursery. I recall at least one, if not two, occasions where DH has got DS dressed and I have asked him to change him out of smart jeans etc. DH was also with me when I bought DS some hard wearing but easy clean clothes specifically for nursery. He knows that they often do painting, gluing etc and that DS is a bit messy when he is feeding himself with only minor supervision.

I did not think that I was being unreasonable in just commenting that I would not have dressed DS in that way. I thought that it was preferable to undermining DH by telling him to redress DS.

On reflection, I wonder if DH was in fact more offended because I had not told him what to do. If I had told him to redress DS he could have had a minor grumble at me being fussy but that would have been the end of his effort. By just commenting that I would have done differently I put the ball back in his court to make him think about what to do and to think about the decisions he had made. He then had to weigh up the risk of the clothes getting ruined and make his own mind up as to whether it was worth the hassle of changing DS. What he resented was not me criticising his choices but me making him take the mental load.

Does this make sense or is there something I'm missing?

BTW, DH has, without comment, done a sterling job this evening with the Vanish and it is likely that the chicken curry stains will be barely visible on the pale cotton top!

I

You made a comparison. You implied that his choice of clothing was unsuited for the nursery and that your choice was superior by stating you (the regular dresser) wouldn't have done so. If you did this in front of your son, it is inappropriate because it is a put down.
I would have just let dad choose what DS wears to nursery on that particular occasion. If for instance there was an art class on and the clothes were unsuitable as they would get messy, I would tell him anything from the 3rd drawer would do. Are DS's clothes organised in a manner that is easy for you to give another suggestion but still give your husband that power to make a decision about what he wears?

This isn’t a mental load issue. Not if you dispense about play/for best clothes with a toddler. Most of the times toddlers are grotty, rolling about, food smearing little whirlwinds. Keeps beat/nursery clothes creates a mental load for parents. Why bother? Disepense it with it.

Typos. Fat thumbs/on my phone.

The laundry doesn’t change massively - kid wears clothes, kids get dirty, clothes get washed? That’s regardless of whether it’s smart or not.

I accept the mental load exists but in this case - the OP could have handled it much better.

Anyone who has had a child at nursery will know YNBU. Nursery does not care if your child is wearing Gucci or George. It will still have the same stains. Never wear good clothes to nursery!

Well... the way the situation played out, what you said was absolutely pointless. It had no effect on the outcome and just pissed your DH off.

If you'd said nothing, DS would still have gone to nursery in his good clothes, still got chicken curry stains in his top and DH would still have had to clean it off with the vanish.

This in itself is a learning curve for him and he won't put him in the good clothes again.

Your input wasn't necessary.

@pleasesleepinylirownbed I have a child in nursery and I disagree, so...

You really need to loosen up OP. Cords and a sweater is hardly formal wear.

Anyone who has had a child at nursery will know YNBU. Nursery does not care if your child is wearing Gucci or George. It will still have the same stains. Never wear good clothes to nursery

Rubbish

Two of mine have been to nursery. I’m not stupid enough to bother buying fancy designer clothes for them at any age.

They were far too active and messy to bother!

I don’t know I can see both sides.

We only buy the kids clothes that are comfortable and they wear them all to everything / anything so I don’t feel I’m really entitled to an opinion

I can see that if you both feel it’s important for DS to be stain free and up to a certain ‘standard’ for special occasions then you should both try and keep those clothes out of daily use.

What is his view on the nursery clothes / smart clothes divide? Does he care? Do you think he should?

Your posts make me cringe OP. Do you generally speak that way to your husband, as if you're some sort of Uber-parent, or is it just for venting here?

Boot on the other foot - when you do something 'wrong' as I'm sure you do as well, how would you like to be pulled up on it as if someone else knows better?

I would hate it so I don't do it myself.

You did sound pretty passive aggressive, yes.

Perhaps the "good" clothes and the "getting dirty in" clothes can be kept separately so that it's easier to just reach for the nursery stuff in the morning?

Op yanbu at all. Love the fact you expect your oh to engage his brain when dressing your dc for nursery. My dh was the same... perfectly capable in every other situation other than childcare. he dressed dd in clothes that were too short but explanation was ‘they were in the wardrobe so should fit ‘ . My response was use your brain and eyes ... she has grown! Use your brain, best clothes are not for nursery! He has clothes for out of work, same thing

I think I clearly done get the concept of ‘best clothes’ they’re just bloody clothes. On small kids who grow fast?!?

How should I have responded so as to get him to appreciate that he had made a stupid choice of clothes, without making him feel stupid?

No reason for you to respond at all.

I am sorry OP l don't mean to offend you but to me you sound like hard work.

I don't think it was necessary to say anything about the clothes. You were being rude frankly and I would have been annoyed.

I'm really not sure that DH would have noticed the food stains if I hadn't said something about the clothes being likely to stain. It was only that I highlighted that they were likely to get stained that he then realised when DS got home that they had in fact ended up like that.

Surely if DH likes dressing DS up smartly, then it takes little thought to conclude that some clothes need to be kept away from situations where they are likely to get stained? Particularly if they are made of materials that are not easy to clean?

I get you OP. This is exactly the thing my DP would do. I normally have to tell him what to dress DS in cos he just doesn't THINK!

Don't see anything wrong with what you said to him to be honest, I would probably have been more direct if it were me though and made him change him but it's obviously made him think about it hasn't it, and I'm sure next time he will think twice about what he's dressing him in.

@faster do you wear joggers to a party and heels and tights to go up a mountain? Clothes aren't just clothes, different clothes are for different occasions and most people would not put their children in smart clothes to go to a nursery.

For toddlers, just buy easy to wash cheap clothes. I doubt you will even use the "best" clothes more than twice before child outgrown them.
Then there is no problem.

It is also my 'job' to keep DS in clothes. DH has never shopped for clothes for him or gone through his wardrobe to see what fits and what is grown out of. However, DH did quickly backtrack when he once proclaimed that "We do a great job in keeping DS in a steady supply of suitable clothes". I have no doubt that he would soon notice if all his clothes ended up stained, not just the nursery ones.

@Believeitornot my point exactly.