AIBU to think DH could have thought for himself?

[Thistledew]

I mostly get DS ready for nursery as he goes on days that DH leaves early for work. Today DH was working from home so got DS dressed whilst I was getting dressed. He dressed him in a smart pair of corduroy trousers and a pale cotton jumper.

I commented that I wouldn't have dressed him in such smart clothes for nursery and said no more. DH said that he didn't think he knew what were DS's smart clothes.

This evening, DH said that he had not liked the way I had spoken and that I should have said that those clothes were too smart and asked him to change DS. He said I made him feel stupid.

This is not the first time that DH has dressed DS in his best clothes to go to nursery. I recall at least one, if not two, occasions where DH has got DS dressed and I have asked him to change him out of smart jeans etc. DH was also with me when I bought DS some hard wearing but easy clean clothes specifically for nursery. He knows that they often do painting, gluing etc and that DS is a bit messy when he is feeding himself with only minor supervision.

I did not think that I was being unreasonable in just commenting that I would not have dressed DS in that way. I thought that it was preferable to undermining DH by telling him to redress DS.

On reflection, I wonder if DH was in fact more offended because I had not told him what to do. If I had told him to redress DS he could have had a minor grumble at me being fussy but that would have been the end of his effort. By just commenting that I would have done differently I put the ball back in his court to make him think about what to do and to think about the decisions he had made. He then had to weigh up the risk of the clothes getting ruined and make his own mind up as to whether it was worth the hassle of changing DS. What he resented was not me criticising his choices but me making him take the mental load.

Does this make sense or is there something I'm missing?

BTW, DH has, without comment, done a sterling job this evening with the Vanish and it is likely that the chicken curry stains will be barely visible on the pale cotton top!

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I think YABU. You say you’ve had conversations in the past about him deferring to you to make decisions, but when does make a decision he gets criticised for it! No wonder he felt upset. He probably just chosecan outfit he thought looked nice. I also agree with pps that it was passive-aggressive to have said something negative and then not suggested he changed him.

Honestly, I think you are over thinking it. You know he has a tendency to make the wrong call on nursery clothing so remove the problem. Put smart clothes, the stuff you really really don’t want destroyed, in a separate place. Get a wicker basket or something. Put only nursery clothing in the places you know he will choose clothing from. If I’m having a coffee morning and I buy pastries/biscuits in advance, I put them in a cupboard I know that DH is unlikely to look in for snacks. It’s not my 1st rodeo. I know if I put biscuits in the main cupboard he’s likely to eat them all so just remove the problem. It’s not worth the stress/fight/hump about.

One good outfit hung up in the wardrobe as an outfit for best smart and the rest of the clothes in the drawers or wardrobe are fair game for nursery?

Why a todders wardrobe and clothes requires such a mental load is beyond me. You’re making stress where there is no need.

I also think you’re overthinking this. Yes, DH should have thought of this himself. Yes, you probably sounded a bit patronising. But it’s just not worth falling out over.

Why not say to DH “Look, I think we’ve both overreacted a bit here. Rather than fighting over who was to blame, let’s kiss and make up and then come up with a system to stop this happening again (eg one drawer for nursery clothes and one drawer for smart clothes)”.

Oh and don’t buy “hard to maintain” clothes for a toddler.

How old is DS and are you still on maternity leave?

You were right and yes he should have though twice but life is too short. So what if he'd gone in those clothes? At best he would have come very dirty and OH would have learned himself that it wasn't the best clothes to wear and wouldn't have done it next time.

At worse the clothes would have been ruined and next time you would have got some clothes out in the evening.

Instead you've got an annoyed husband and you annoyed too releasing emotions that will do more harm to both of you long term than the impact of your ds wearing these clothes that day.

My oh does many things that really annoy me. I am so much happier since I chose to ignore them. It's caused no harm so far and I and oh are much less stressed.

Jesus. Such problems.

I would be extremely grateful that my DH had chosen to help; reading posts on here that would seem to be rare in itself.

Does it really matter? No, not one bit. Was it worth the passive/aggressive comment? Definitely not.

As a former poster said, if it really is of so much importance to you then have a separate drawer for nursery clothes.

swingofthings

Nail on the head!

Yeah this has just been massively over-thought. You were both a bit U.
You need a drawer or whatever where the nursery clothes go. This will also be useful when your son gets to the stage where he wants to choose what he wears - and if you think explaining the nuances of suitable and not suitable clothes for nursery to your DP is hard, try explaining it to a 3 year old when you’re also late for work. So: this drawer, yes; that drawer, no. End of discussion.
Then stick to a nursery “uniform” and make sure your DP knows what it is - the point is you find the same type of clothes that are easy to wash and cheap to replace then they just wear that every day (my DD wore dark coloured leggings and a T-shirt, every day!).

Just let him dress DS and put him in what he wants.

It does come across that you micro manage everything. I do get annoyed with so many women who complain about their DH 'helps, but doesn't do it right'. When what they really mean 'is they don't do it how I would do it'. I know is someone made sarcastic remarks about how I'd done something, my response would be 'piss off and do it yourself next time!'

If you want DH to take the mental load, let him take it. And deal with the consequences if need be. Don't then criticise his choices. Because it's the quickest way of making sure he'll just dump it all on you.

As a former poster said, if it really is of so much importance to you then have a separate drawer for nursery clothes.
I'm shocked that PPs think men are so dumb that they need a separate drawer so they don't get confused and put best clothes on for nursery. Like wtf. I expect better of men, than that stupidity (hence why I used to get annoyed at my DH for putting the toddlers in "best" clothes for nursery. Eventually he did realise the difference between jogger bottoms and tee-shirts, and corduroys and smart jerseys.)

- as DH is happy to leave running the wardrobe system to me but also to reap its benefits, I find it quite disrespectful that he then messes with the system. As I said above, if he wants to do it differently then he is welcome to do so, but if he wants to leave that work to me then he should stick with its rules.

Holy shit. Very few other human beings, your DH included, are going to go to this level of depth of thought about dressing a toddler for nursery or anything for that matter.

Re PP’s comments about ‘best clothes’, I have to admit, we did the same. Until we came to the realisation that you don’t get invited to enough christenings / weddings / black tie social events to justify having best clothes for kids who grow out of them in less than a year. What actually happens is that the lovely dinosaur shirt DS has simply doesn’t get worn, because a suitable occasion doesn’t arise. Stopped doing that, it’s a waste of time and money; a better solution is simply to buy more formal clothing immediately before it’s needed, and count yourself lucky if it gets more than one wear!

(Aside: we had two weddings and an evening do in the space of a few months this year - those pretty clothes got three wears!)

You say that your DH saddles you with the mental load of thinking about your son's needs. Then he takes charge of getting him dress, but you don't like how he does it. The man can't possibly win.

Well, he could win by dressing his son in appropriate clothing for nursery. 🤷‍♀️ It's not exactly rocket science.

OP, your standards are too high.

Your son had clean clothes to go to nursery in. The level of organisation that goes into that alone is an achievement. Forget whether they’re posh, scruffy, whatever.

The son had clean clothes on. What they were doesn't rely matter.

OP you remind me of my mum. You complain about the mental load but then have an opinion on everything and no one is doing it how you would. You make PA comments when there is no need.

Me and Dp have a rule that if one if us is doing something the other keeps out. But if it goes tits up, that person needs to sort it. This came about when I was building ikea furniture and and he was doing other jobs and he kept coming and making comments about how he wouldn't have done it the way I was. I was following instructions. He doesn't do that. I told him to either do or keep his nose out. If I got it wrong, I got it wrong and would fix it.

I completely agree with the OP.. Its not 'a lot of thought' or a complicated system to put kids in appropriate nursery clothes and I despair of the posters who have said they'd be so delighted if their DH did any sort of dressing they'd be seal clapping at them for their achievement. This is exactly the same as threads about men mucking up the washing or some other domestic task, 'but at least they tried'. Sod that.. Use some common sense! My ex once brought DD home from the supermarket bare bummed, wrapped in a towel. There'd not been a clean nappy in the changing bag. 'but ex, you were in a supermarket' 'blank look'. Ffs!

Bloody hell. He just went to nursery in some smart clothes. Does your son have that many social engagements coming up?

The child wore clothes to nursery, which can then be washed.

Sorry, OP, but I would be annoyed too.

I'm sorry, but it is bullshit that his poor little man brain can't understand the difference between DS's smarter clothes and his everyday ones. DH may only have dressed DS for nursery on a few occasions but he often dresses him on other occasions. He is perfectly capable of putting him in something suitable to go to the park and has no problem picking out something smarter for a trip into town. I really don't know why he didn't apply the same thought processes to dressing him for nursery.

I was surprised that he saw me simply commenting as being more unpleasant than telling him to change DS. I still don't really understand that. I'm taking from the responses that I should have said nothing and then either dealt with the extra laundry myself (not going to happen) or found some subtle way of asking DH to do it without pointing out he had made a daft choice. Yay, either way, more work, physical or mental, for me.

Thanks to all the posters who get it.

We have a shopping trip planned for today. I'll ask DH if he wants to choose DS some smarter clothes for everyday.

So you’re going to keep it going by being all passive aggressive today.

Why?

Honestly, you sound like a total nightmare. Your poor husband. Do you have any real problems going on in your life?

It's not passive aggressive if she says.. 'DH you seem to like DS looking a bit smarter so shall we choose some buttoned shirts rather than t shirts today.. So long as he has a few it's not a problem if some get wrecked at nursery'. That's actively addressing the issue.

She’s telling him her acceptable alternatives.

She’s policing her DH deciding off his own bat that DS looks ok in because they aren’t to her totally arbitrary standard.

Stop buying clothes. It sounds like you have plenty!

It is not that a man cant remember it is that it doesn't matter. If he rarely does it then just say - oh not that top it will stain. Dh chooses disastrous combos sometimes but ds is his kid too so why do I get to comment (I do laugh of course)

Waaaaaay too much thought about this going on. Are you bored generally?