AIBU to think DH could have thought for himself?

[Thistledew]

I mostly get DS ready for nursery as he goes on days that DH leaves early for work. Today DH was working from home so got DS dressed whilst I was getting dressed. He dressed him in a smart pair of corduroy trousers and a pale cotton jumper.

I commented that I wouldn't have dressed him in such smart clothes for nursery and said no more. DH said that he didn't think he knew what were DS's smart clothes.

This evening, DH said that he had not liked the way I had spoken and that I should have said that those clothes were too smart and asked him to change DS. He said I made him feel stupid.

This is not the first time that DH has dressed DS in his best clothes to go to nursery. I recall at least one, if not two, occasions where DH has got DS dressed and I have asked him to change him out of smart jeans etc. DH was also with me when I bought DS some hard wearing but easy clean clothes specifically for nursery. He knows that they often do painting, gluing etc and that DS is a bit messy when he is feeding himself with only minor supervision.

I did not think that I was being unreasonable in just commenting that I would not have dressed DS in that way. I thought that it was preferable to undermining DH by telling him to redress DS.

On reflection, I wonder if DH was in fact more offended because I had not told him what to do. If I had told him to redress DS he could have had a minor grumble at me being fussy but that would have been the end of his effort. By just commenting that I would have done differently I put the ball back in his court to make him think about what to do and to think about the decisions he had made. He then had to weigh up the risk of the clothes getting ruined and make his own mind up as to whether it was worth the hassle of changing DS. What he resented was not me criticising his choices but me making him take the mental load.

Does this make sense or is there something I'm missing?

BTW, DH has, without comment, done a sterling job this evening with the Vanish and it is likely that the chicken curry stains will be barely visible on the pale cotton top!

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Oh and ok you should probably split all the clothes for different occasions into different drawers and label them for your dh, save him ever having to use his brain at all. Well according to some people on here anyway.

I'm so glad my children have and had a uniform for nursery. No clothes have ever needed soaking in 11 years. I'm also glad I'm a single parent so I don't have to deal with this kind of bollocks on either side.

What does your child do at nursery that means things have to be soaked? How old is he? Are we talking food stains or a bit of washable paint?

Seems a big to-do about nothing. So much stress over nothing.

I'm actually confused why you can't give each other feedback on this kind of stuff.

Someone makes tea, why does it need feedback? Why does what washing has been done need feedback?

If we need more sausages later in the week and Dp cooked them all, he will go get more if if want them.

I have no recollection of my dad ever failing to care for me appropriately and my mum has never told me stories of that either.

Failing to care properly? Seriously?

It's a tricky one. You can't win either way. Maybe keep best clothes separate. They grow quite fast so your son won't be in the same size for long.

It's not a big thing. Just every couple of months or so when I am putting stuff away I will go through all his things and take out the things that are too small or out of season. I also have a drawer full of second hand clothes that I have been given and next-size-up clothes that I have picked up in sales etc, so I go through those to remind myself what's there and see if there is anything I need to buy in readiness for the next growth spurt.

Does it matter?

Thats what I would be asking myself. Provided he is warm enough or cool enough?
My DH dresses my kids most mornings whilst i dress myself and I know that on the days I dont select their outfit, they will probably leave wearing some wild concoction of clothes.
Id say pick your battles.
Does it matter if he wears his best clothes to nursery now and then? They grow out of them so quickly anyway.

Seriously get a hobby. Or something. This much angst over toddler clothes isn’t usual.

Are you deflecting?

What's the difference between 'smart jeans' and jeans? You're suggesting you keep some clothes for best and other clothes that are easier to clean etc as nursery ones but surely jeans are jeans and all wash equally well?

I think you sound over organised when it comes to clothes and your DH would struggle to get it right as he does not know your Very Important internal categorisations of clothes. And now you are trying to turn it into a feminist "women's work" issue as you know most of MN laps that shit up.

Sounds like DH handled it well, you made him feel a feeling so he brought that calmly to you later at an appropriate time. Not like he argued in front of your son or something. He's entitled to say how he feels.

I think he's just blowing it out of proportion a bit. I would have said something like that too. I also have best clothes because I don't like it when we have to go somewhere nice and things have stains on etc.

My DH is similar to yours. I don't think you should have to think too much when talking to DH. That would frustrate me . I just tell DH straight up that he's going to ruin those clothes in a nice way and ask to get him changed. He usually understands although gets frustrated about changing him again.

You should be able to speak openly to each other.

Nice children's clothes can be expensive. I wouldn't want them to stained with paint, glue and food stains either OP. It's common sense to send DC in cheaper clothes to nursery.

The fact that your DH can't differentiate between your DC's nice and normal clothes shows the extent to which he has dumped the mental load on you.

YANBU at all.

This 'mental load' trope really annoys me. It's the buzz word of the moment and used so often - and inappropriately.

Agree you are not being unreasonable at all, maybe you could have worded it differently but he really shouldn't need clothes in separate drawers to differentiate between 'nice' clothes and regular stuff, that is suitable for nursery. It is like he's not engaging his brain at all. Reminds me of when people say they have to do the washing or 'DP' will ruin it, if they can cope with complex tasks at work why not simple things at home . I presume you're getting annoyed about it not because you have "nothing else to worry about" but more because he frequently does this kind of thing.

This 'mental load' trope really annoys me. It's the buzz word of the moment and used so often - and inappropriately.

What would you call it when one parent can't differentiate between day to day clothes and special event clothes?

And when the parent prefers it when his wife tells him what to do rather than leave the decision to him?

What would you call it when one parent can't differentiate between day to day clothes and special event clothes?

Arguably, "a smart pair of corduroy trousers and a pale cotton jumper." are not "special event clothes". The husband dressed his son in the clothes he liked. The OP would have preferred different clothes.

Unless they specifically separate clothes into "clothes for everyday use" and "clothes for best", the OP cannot complain if her husband has different tastes from her. It's not an obvious choice.

I think you need a better system and the only way I see around this conundrum is ^colour-coding.’ So:

• All ‘best’ clothes have their label coloured RED.
• All going to nurserly clothes have their label colour codes BLUE.
• All ‘in between clothes’ - ie where they are kinda best but perhaps ready for relegation due to excess wear - these are ORANGE. These can be wore for nursery but ONLY if they get a majority vote - ie both parents agree. Otherwise, no.

After 6 months of being ORANGE all clothing items are automatically relevated to BLUE.

I would call it a 'difference of opinion'. If it mattered to me then I would move the clothes that matter, elsewhere.

I suspect that the parent would prefer it when the other lets him/her get on with the job at hand without micro-managing them when there truly is no need.

I find it utterly pathetic that 'mental load' has even found its way into common parlance for such a non-issue between adults. Best all round if those affected, divorce, and do no inflict themselves on anybody else ever again. Better for the kids involved too.

It is nearly always women that behave like this. Wanting rights of veto over minutiae that they don't need to have. I despair of women who find the time to do this. Marry properly, make sure that you have a husband who enjoys non-reciprocal critique and is happy enough to pay half the bills without ever having a say in how children should be dressed or the household managed. Urgh.

I like my husband as a person. We're not very alike in most things but we like each other enough to make allowances for shortcomings, work around things that annoy and focus on stuff that is actually important. Each to their own and I agree with PP that this isn't just about the outfit for the OP.

*I think you need a better system and the only way I see around this conundrum is ^colour-coding.’ So:

• All ‘best’ clothes have their label coloured RED.
• All going to nurserly clothes have their label colour codes BLUE.
• All ‘in between clothes’ - ie where they are kinda best but perhaps ready for relegation due to excess wear - these are ORANGE. These can be wore for nursery but ONLY if they get a majority vote - ie both parents agree. Otherwise, no.

After 6 months of being ORANGE all clothing items are automatically relevated to BLUE.*

Please tell me that was sarcasm!

Does your DH know that a "system" exists for D'S s clothes? If he doesn't then it's a bit tricky for him to stick to it. I don't think most people have any such system.

He can't really win. He doesn't normally dress him. He doesn't normally do the washing. You were in the shower and he dressed son in something he probably thought looked good. Alternative was you get out the shower and he hasn't bothered. I would have just left him to it and then if they got stained told him he needs to soak them. I'm sure he would just learn himself after a few times having to soak things.

It does read as passive aggressive to me. It would have been better to just be direct about it and said you think he should change his clothes to something easier to wash.

Why should OP just go along with it, let the good clothes get stained and then they have to try and get them clean or just put up with them being ruined?
What is this happy clappy attitude when a man manages to do something for his child. "Well done dh you managed to put some clothes on your ds, how clever".
(Shh don't mention they are not the right ones, might hurt his feelings and put him off doing anything else in future.) Ffs

What would you call it when one parent can't differentiate between day to day clothes and special event clothes?

No such thing in this house as we are pretty casual so I’d just buy something if there was an event as we never did enough of them to need prebought clothes or keep anything as best.

That’s exactly the point me others are making. It’s not important to some of us.

Why should OP just go along with it, let the good clothes get stained and then they have to try and get them clean or just put up with them being ruined?

Or she could tell the dh what the system is so he can stick to it.

OP could easily make a copy of my colour coded system via an Excel spreadsheet, and pin a copy to DS wardrobe (laminated). The spreadsheet could easily updated periodically when new garments are purchased, depending on best or casual.

I think OP needs to develop an app.

This 'mental load' trope really annoys me. It's the buzz word of the moment and used so often - and inappropriately.

Amen. What it's really about is one partner is so uptight/anxious or has some sort of OCD where anything their partner does "out of line" sends them into a mental panic.