AIBU to think DH could have thought for himself?

[Thistledew]

I mostly get DS ready for nursery as he goes on days that DH leaves early for work. Today DH was working from home so got DS dressed whilst I was getting dressed. He dressed him in a smart pair of corduroy trousers and a pale cotton jumper.

I commented that I wouldn't have dressed him in such smart clothes for nursery and said no more. DH said that he didn't think he knew what were DS's smart clothes.

This evening, DH said that he had not liked the way I had spoken and that I should have said that those clothes were too smart and asked him to change DS. He said I made him feel stupid.

This is not the first time that DH has dressed DS in his best clothes to go to nursery. I recall at least one, if not two, occasions where DH has got DS dressed and I have asked him to change him out of smart jeans etc. DH was also with me when I bought DS some hard wearing but easy clean clothes specifically for nursery. He knows that they often do painting, gluing etc and that DS is a bit messy when he is feeding himself with only minor supervision.

I did not think that I was being unreasonable in just commenting that I would not have dressed DS in that way. I thought that it was preferable to undermining DH by telling him to redress DS.

On reflection, I wonder if DH was in fact more offended because I had not told him what to do. If I had told him to redress DS he could have had a minor grumble at me being fussy but that would have been the end of his effort. By just commenting that I would have done differently I put the ball back in his court to make him think about what to do and to think about the decisions he had made. He then had to weigh up the risk of the clothes getting ruined and make his own mind up as to whether it was worth the hassle of changing DS. What he resented was not me criticising his choices but me making him take the mental load.

Does this make sense or is there something I'm missing?

BTW, DH has, without comment, done a sterling job this evening with the Vanish and it is likely that the chicken curry stains will be barely visible on the pale cotton top!

I

Good god. I despair at all the posters who can't tell the difference (or don't expect their DP to tell the difference,) between "smart going out clothes you'll put a bin over to keep clean, or be supervising them in, for a nice or fancy family lunch/dinner/event"

It's not that anyone can't tell the difference. The point is why spend loads of money on clothes that are only worn once or twice. You can also buy smart clothes from Tesco that look lovely but wash fine and don't need special care.

2 year olds grow so quick I would rather wear all clothes out then have them worn once or twice. No one knows whether the shirt is from Asda or somewhere expensive.

My lovely Dad has looked after us all even into my 41st year. He is such a clever man. I go to him for advice all the time. He’s loving, articulate and as sharp as a tack.

However, when I was born all those years ago he was sent home to get my Mum clothes to come home in. He grabbed a slinky black dress. The midwifes laughed their heads off and said to Mum “see you in nine months”.

When Mum was in hospital he tried so hard to make me a decent packed lunch. The midday supervisors took one look at it and gave me a free hot dinner.

My Dad is still my hero and I can’t believe this thread.

Maybe that's why I have a different perspective strawberrisc*. My dad worked from home and my mum worked out of the home when I was little, so he was involved to a high degree with my day to day care. I have no recollection of my dad ever failing to care for me appropriately and my mum has never told me stories of that either.

But this is really not “failing to care for appropriately”.

Seriously. It’s not.

"...as DH is happy to leave running the wardrobe system to me but also to reap its benefits, I find it quite disrespectful that he then messes with the system."

Reap the benefits? Of what? A dressed child?

Sorry OP but I can't believe that you interact like this. Do you work outside the home as well?

strawberrisc, Your dad sound fabulous!

@Thistledew my Dad was top of his game before he retired but has always been Homer Simpson at home. As long as he loves us we forgive such tiny and insignificant shortcomings.

Despair away, Scumplestiltskin, I don't despair of over-thinkers, micro-managers (without a cause) and fusspots, but I recognise them and steer well clear.

YA totallyNBU! I completely get this and cant understand people saying you're passive aggressive for one small comment.
Could you use a different scenario to explain? I.e. if he had a filing system that he explained to you and you were there when he bought the files etc but you keep filing the bills in the insurance file yet when he pointed it out that he has to refile/search for things you accuse him of making you feel stupid.

It’s so easy to be a hero though if you can lord it above the practical stuff.

It’s like going on holiday, it’s so easy to be the fun relaxed one if your other half is the one organising tickets and transfers and booking the accommodation.

When people tell stories like that and say their dad is their hero I always think nah, whoever was behind him propping him up to look good is the hero.

OP, it doesn’t make sense to buy more smart clothes for nursery surely if you are going to concede that DH can dress DS smart for nursery the time to bring it up is your next smart occasion and say we need to buy him new clothes now as all his ‘smart’ clothes have been worn to nursery and have been stained.

As an aside - you dress him smart to go to town? Eh? This is parenting way above my pay grade. Who cares in town? Are you a celebrity or something?!

The real issue in all this is that more and more everything will become op's job because he's just being a man. So when the child has a fancy dress event at school or needs to go on an outing or needs to do his homework or needs a present for a friend or needs a doctor's appointment etc it will become op's job because he just didn't know. All those little jobs soon add up and pulling him up on one of them seems OTT because in isolation it's funny or a non issue.

I suppose it depends on what your definition of smart is.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

He’s a legend. Such a clever man! My Mum is a keen gardener and when she was pregnant with me she planted a little fir tree in the front garden. It grew really high and she wanted ir replanted if possible.

When she was pregnant with my sister she mentioned it to Dad. I’ll never forget hearing the knock on the back door. Dad was standing there in his little workman’s hat. He’d sawn the tree from the trunk and displayed it proudly asking Mum where she wanted it. I think I’ve blocked her reply from memory!

That’s horrible straw. Your poor mum.

@Batteriesallgone what a sad perspective. Mum and Dad still back each other up. Dad’s provided the finance but can be bumbling in everyday matters. Mum sewed all our costumes for school plays but relied on him during her illnesses and is hopeless with finance. I can 100% assure you that neither of them would ever post something like this.

It’s like me going out to cut the grass and when my ex h said I’d cut it with the stripes the wrong way didn’t I know how to do it properly and the strumming I’d done was wrong too.

I didn’t notice the stripes. I just cut the grass. And strimmed it. Which needed done.

I never cut the grass again. Because if the way I do it isn’t good enough, do it yourself.

YANBU. I’d have said they aren’t nursery clothes and expected him to go change. We have nursery and general clothes for weekends holidays and the non nursery days . Most of the general clothes will be in good enough nick for his younger brother and any future little brothers hopefully. I expect dh to be able to work out the difference on his own because... capable adult. I don’t mind him wearing a shirt to nursery but a casual one that will wash. Dh dresses himself suitably for work lunch and gardening and surely can apply the same basic principals. If the clothes are an atrocious combination I’d just laugh but he doesn’t really do that any more.

If my husband whinged I too would suggest he go shopping. I’m the one who makes sure he has clothes that fit and suitable warm and pack away and rainproof jackets and warm layers because he goes to a forest nursery once a week and summer clothes ready for December when we go to Australia and find expensive things like shoes on sale.

Principles!!’ Not principals .... sigh

*strimming

iPad plays guitar. Obvs.

@NerrSnerr all my son's clothes (excepting a few gifts,) were secondhand, because we had secondhand clothes available, and couldn't afford lots of new ones.
That didn't make me any less vigilant in trying to make sure he always had some nice, neat "best" clothes so that we didn't look like the poor trash many people probably already considered us.

Can you not see that it’s not just your DH who is like this? Other posters don’t share your level of attention to dress so it’s very likely your ways are only pleasing to you and a complete ball ache to your DH. It has nothing to do with competent parenting, it’s just that you share different priorities and tastes.

Then add into that you expect your DH to abide by a code you have knowledge of yet won’t prewarn him about what he needs to do to stop you thinking he’s screwed up yet again and make then passive aggressive remarks. There’s so much potential for discord that you’re doing nothing to help alleviate.

Unless you’re prepared to adapt and be more tolerant of differing priorities then I’m inclined to believe you only wanted a thread of agreement and it was never your intention to gain a better understanding and try to improve harmony for the future.

I had fuck all. I was so skint as a young mum. My kids had one good outfit and that outfit went down the line to the next one.

There was a particular jumper did them all, boys and girls alike.

But one good outfit. The rest were just wearing clothes.

Doesn’t nursery put a bib or a coverall on anyway? Old dad shirt for painting and a plastic bib with sleeves for eating if he’s still at the messy stage?

Doesn’t nursery put a bib or a coverall on anyway? Old dad shirt for painting and a plastic bib with sleeves for eating if he’s still at the messy stage?*
No, nursery don’t do bibs for anything in ours. So they will get good and paint and everything on whatever they wear.

I'm not dressing him up as little Lord Fauntleroy. But just as I will wear a nicer jumper and skirt to meet friends for lunch, rather than the worn trousers and slightly bobbly top I wear at home to play in the garden with DS, I don't think it is too bizarre an idea to have similar categories of clothes for DS. I don't think it is odd to want to take him out in public in clothes that are not stained but to be perfectly happy for him to wear either very boring easy care, or slightly stained clothes to play in the park or to go to nursery where they will just accumulate more stains.

I don't quite see the relevance, but yes, I do work outside the home, hence why DS goes to nursery.

Your categories of clothes for a toddler sounds really complicated to me. Sorry.

And an easier answer would be to send in a coverall for painting and a plastic bib with sleeves for eating.