AIBU to think DH could have thought for himself?

[Thistledew]

I mostly get DS ready for nursery as he goes on days that DH leaves early for work. Today DH was working from home so got DS dressed whilst I was getting dressed. He dressed him in a smart pair of corduroy trousers and a pale cotton jumper.

I commented that I wouldn't have dressed him in such smart clothes for nursery and said no more. DH said that he didn't think he knew what were DS's smart clothes.

This evening, DH said that he had not liked the way I had spoken and that I should have said that those clothes were too smart and asked him to change DS. He said I made him feel stupid.

This is not the first time that DH has dressed DS in his best clothes to go to nursery. I recall at least one, if not two, occasions where DH has got DS dressed and I have asked him to change him out of smart jeans etc. DH was also with me when I bought DS some hard wearing but easy clean clothes specifically for nursery. He knows that they often do painting, gluing etc and that DS is a bit messy when he is feeding himself with only minor supervision.

I did not think that I was being unreasonable in just commenting that I would not have dressed DS in that way. I thought that it was preferable to undermining DH by telling him to redress DS.

On reflection, I wonder if DH was in fact more offended because I had not told him what to do. If I had told him to redress DS he could have had a minor grumble at me being fussy but that would have been the end of his effort. By just commenting that I would have done differently I put the ball back in his court to make him think about what to do and to think about the decisions he had made. He then had to weigh up the risk of the clothes getting ruined and make his own mind up as to whether it was worth the hassle of changing DS. What he resented was not me criticising his choices but me making him take the mental load.

Does this make sense or is there something I'm missing?

BTW, DH has, without comment, done a sterling job this evening with the Vanish and it is likely that the chicken curry stains will be barely visible on the pale cotton top!

I

It wasn't about how he looks but practical issues of functionality and wastefulness. It's not arbitrary to suggest wearing cheaper non smart clothes for messy activities or do you all wear suits to do the gardening?

Bloody hell you seem really pissed off that we can see both sides and are trying to come up with solutions. Did you just want everyone to say yes he's shit and should have got it right?

Of course you can dress your son how you like and have hand wash only clothes for best. Just don't expect DH to offer to dress him again.

He's not failing to take on board the necessary to keep things running smoothly. He's failing at following captain's orders and not meeting your standards. And I bet he knows it.

I hardly think she’s taking her child out to the shops in a suit?

I don’t garden 😀 but more seriously, I expect my clothes to last years and years. I keep stuff good and by the time I wear it again it’s out of fashion and looks dated.

A toddler is growing. Fast. The clothes are only going to last 6 months or so tops.

So much aggro over nothing

No, whoever is doing the washing deals with it. Your dh dealt with it. End of.

My exh used to dress the kids in ways I wouldn't particularly like. Similar to your issue op. But just let it go, it's not worth it and you have said you are shopping anyway today and clearly have some money to spend on clothes. Because you are going to suggest that anyway.

You have become obsessed with the mental load thinking to the point you are acting like a bit of a twat.

No comment was needed. At all.

I would have said something similar if my husband did that, and it is something he would do. But to be fair he normally asks me what he should dress the kids in as he doesn't have much of a clue which is annoying.
I think your husband is been a bit sensitive. You shouldn't not say anything when they are not nursery clothes.

It does come across as pa however dh should know which clothes are smart and which are suitable for nursery. If you're often having to direct him on really small aspects of your dons care I get this could be annoying. So it's probably fair enough you were a bit passive aggressive.

Fucking hell.

I've heard it all now.

YAB massively U.

Smart clothes FFS. Who is he, Prince George? Is his Stella McCartney Kids cashmere jumper going to spontaneously burst into flames if it gets grubby? Jesus.

Actual photo of OP

Do people really say thank you to each other for dressing their children?

I would say thanks if it was a task usually designated to me in a normal set up.

You are not letting him parent. That is why he isn't very good at it. Stop gatekeeping and allow him to learn from his mistakes as you have done.

For the record, my DH dresses the kids for nursery like he was blind and just grasping wildly at the first things he saw.

I don't give a shiny shit. Who cares? They're dressed appropriately for the weather, that's all that matters.

Your dh did make a decision for himself and dressed your dc in what he thought was appropriate. Just because it doesn’t match up with what you’d have dressed him in doesn’t make it any better or worse. Tbh OP you sound controlling and if my dh has said the same to me I’d be pissed off. He can’t win really, can he? He dresses dc, he’s in the wrong clothes, he asks you what clothes, he’s not taking initiative you’d drive me up the wall too I think

I say thank you. All the time to dp. He doesn't dress my son etc But he isn't his dad and my son is 7. So yes I pick up more work with Ds.

But dp usually cooks. He works nights so makes dinner and cooks for me and my son. I say thank you. When he gets in on a morning he will often make my lunch for work and ds' packed lunch. I do the washing, he will say thank you. I make him a brew, he will say thank you. I take ds out of the house so he can get some sleep during the day, he will say thank you. I usually do the hoovering but if Dp gets chance before I get back from work with D's he will do it. And I say thank you.

Anyone who does something for me gets a thanks. When I was with D's dad we were the same. Household chores, would usually get a 'thanks for doing that'. We split house work 50:50 and childcare 50:50.

Can't imagine me doing some washing and Dp saying 'hmmm I wouldn't have done a dark wash today, there's to many darks is and it's raining and will take ages to dry in doors.

Or him making my tea and me saying 'I would have made sausages and mash tonight......we had it on Monday now I have to go buy more'

Oh and if a man was making PA comments to his wife about what they clothed the child in and made them feel shit, the responses would have been 'fucking he'll, tell him to do it himself next time and won't ever do it again' as well as 'he is trying to damage your confidence by doing this, he is abusive. He is trying to train you to do everything his way'.

Do people really dress their children in smarter clothes to go into town? My children just have clothes that they wear all the time and then maybe one smart outfit for weddings etc (if invited to in that size.

Do you separate the messy/nursery clothes from the smart/best clothes?

If you don't, I think it's unreasonable to expect anyone else to stick to a system that exists really just inside your own mind. Nobody else knows how you're categorising each item of clothing.

Separate the clothes.

I'm sorry, but it is bullshit that his poor little man brain can't understand the difference between DS's smarter clothes and his everyday ones.

Of course he can- but he doesn't care like many of us don't. Clothes are for wearing.

Somewhere today will be a very unhappy toddler. Probably covered in bubble wrap next to a depressed dad being frog marched by furious mother to the cleaning products aisle. Or not, probably not.

The OP is certainly adding to everybody else’s mental load. She doesn’t need or want advice, she just wants spread her curious world of passive aggression

Can't imagine me doing some washing and Dp saying 'hmmm I wouldn't have done a dark wash today, there's to many darks is and it's raining and will take ages to dry in doors.

Or him making my tea and me saying 'I would have made sausages and mash tonight......we had it on Monday now I have to go buy more'

I'm actually confused why you can't give each other feedback on this kind of stuff.

Surely that's just a normal part of married life?

The OP made one comment. I don't see it as she's the one bringing the drama here. "Oh, that's a bit smart for nursery" is a perfectly normal comment to make. Nothing to get pissed off about.

Your DH is being irritating. I don’t think it’s passive aggressive to mention smart clothes aren’t best for nursery.

It also the reflects the fact that he isn’t really thinking about DS’s actual needs - in a very minor way but a telling one. It reflects a distance that feeds back to the idea that it’s really ‘your’ job.

YANBU
I expect your DH manages to make sensible choices about his own clothes so he doesn’t do the gardening in his best suit. Neither would he decorate the lounge while wearing a smart shirt. He should be able to apply the same logic to his child.

I also agree that he is pissed off that you left him the decision about whether to change DS or face the consequences. He then realised he’d made the wrong choice when he found out how long it took to get the stains out.

In answer to your question, there isn’t anything you could have said that he wouldn’t have taken offence at. Hopefully he’ll have more sense in future, otherwise just smile & say ‘it’s your turn to do the washing tonight....’ .

Good god. I despair at all the posters who can't tell the difference (or don't expect their DP to tell the difference,) between "smart going out clothes you'll put a bin over to keep clean, or be supervising them in, for a nice or fancy family lunch/dinner/event" and "cheap and cheerful nursery clothes that are comfy and easy-clean, and probably already a bit stained."
Bizarre. My kids always had about 3 or 4 outfits that were "for good" and for ages DH would try to put them in those outfits for nursery. Instead of alllll the secondhand or cheap and comfy (and already stained) clothes we had. I told him point blank, repeatedly, and after a painfully long time, he learned. I promise I didn't hint, and he's not stupid, and yet he seemed to take years to learn the difference between "formal clothes" and "play clothes".