Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

Thank you everyone for the support. He does have her, I am going to see which emergency steps I can take on Tuesday. I am not surprised by his behaviour at all. He is not thinking about her at all. He is only thinking about himself and not even thinking about the long term effect at court. I have a feeling his solicitor will tell him he has to return her, but baring in mind he was tell his barrister before court how to barrister, and I heard her say 'yes that may well be but I am the barrister with the law degree not you.' That he is unlikely to listen.

I have her passport, I am not worried that he will hurt her physically, I can't say not emotionally as she's quiet a clever thing and knew she was having 2 sleeps at Daddy's then home to mummy and brother and sisters. She's going to be confused and upset as she know our routine and what to expect but that's out the window now.

I have had my lovely friends rallying around which has been lovely, Monday is going to be very tough, I could go into work to take my mind off things, but it may be too much for me, and I can't really deal with things if I get emails or calls if his solicitor contacts me directly or my solicitors secretary. I don't want to come across as flaky there, I will see.

Thinking of you awesmum, as I'm sure lots of people are.

Stay strong hun. You will get through this and he's only shooting himself in the foot. Xx

Have you a friend or relative who can have her passport- in case he tries to get it. I know he finally gave you his key but it wouldn't surprise me if he hadn't got a copy ( Can't remember if you have changed the locks.)
I know this is hard, but if he does what he says ( and is not trying to upset you) all he is doing is confirming eveything you have said about him and making your job easier in Court.

He really is digging his own grave in terms of the courts. Couldn’t follow a simple agreement.
You may end up with more custody time purely due to his stupidity.

Fingers crossed this is juts a threat, and he returns on Sunday as planned, purely having said all this to destroy your weekend. Should he be at work Monday? Would she be in nursery? If she goes to nursery, then I'd pick her up from there before the end of the day.

@SD1978 yes he'll be at work on Monday, he takes her to work which I have always said is inappropriate and dangerous. She'll miss out on her activities that I have set up for her, which is going to upset her. As he takes her to work he may not even take her to nursery on the days she's due, so he could keep her indefinitely.
I could be wrong but he's never made a threat he hasn't followed through. I will be at handover place on Sunday. But I don't think he'll be there. 7pm is handover time so she keep you updated.

Call his solicitor on Monday and tell them what's happened. Call your solicitor's office on Monday, explain clearly that this is an emergency and see if they have a designated 'fill in'.

Let the nursery know, just in case. Ask them to call you immediately if she's dropped off. I agree, it's unlikely, but I'd cover all the bases.

Do you know anyone at his work you can trust to tell you if he has her with him?

If he's at work she will be there with him. I know that. He won't leave her anywhere with anyone. He didn't like her going to nursery. He used to say he only feels happy when he's not with her if he knows she's with me. But now he won't even allow me to have her. But yes on Monday I will be speaking to everyone and anyone that I can. With current court orders to see if he's breached them. He's never happier than when he's in the middle of drama.

This is disgraceful. What an asshole. Your being so strong op. I hope you get her back soon. Xx

With current court orders to see if he's breached them

Have you read them over (probably a silly question)? Because if it does specify anything about DD's residence etc, it may be worth a visit to your local police station to see if it's enough to make him hand her over as planned.

Caveat: I'm in the US where a person is subject to arrest if they don't hand a child over per a court order. Here the police will go with you to a person's home and make them hand the child over.

We have no court order over access or child arrangements that is to be done in June, once we have had an opportunity to to show the court how reasonable and considerate parents we are. I don't know if he's behaviour could be deemed as bullying so therefore breaking the court order in place between us. I know it's a grey area and I would have to prove it, however worth asking.

So currently either of you can withhold the child? If there is no court order, neither of you are oblidged to hand her over to the other parent? would this be grounds to refuse contact until orders are confirmed? If he's proven he will withhold her, surely that constitutes a risk to her?

Could you arrive at the handover place tonight, and if he doesn’t turn up, ring, if he doesn’t answer phone, then phone the police as ‘you’re concerned something has happened’ and you want to ensure they are both ok?

@WhoKnewBeefStew is onto something with her suggestion to call the police to say she hadn't been returned. Is there any MNetter who is a solicitor and can advise on how that would be viewed?

I know you said that he'd never hurt her but he's acting unpredictably: not returning her as arranged, keeping her off nursery. He's treating your DD like a possession which seems so wrong

You could ask the police to do a welfare check on Monday (at his work premises). Speak to your local DV team in the police Sunday evening to report it and explain the situation and concerns for DD.

Speaking only a bystander, his whole relationship/attitude to her sounds completely unhealthy and potentially quite damaging to her, she needs to be able to develop relationships/interact with other people/her peer group not be completely smothered by one parent.

Unfortunately if he has parental responsibility and there is no court order then legally he has done nothing wrong and I would be surprised if the police got involved.

I had a client at work and her ex-partner took their baby and moved in with his new girlfriend and no one could do anything, the police, social services so she had to apply to court.
Luckily after 1 month he split from his new girlfriend, realised the baby was a hindrance and gave her back.

When you go tonight make sure you record any conversation if he turns up, and have someone with you who will stay calm if you can. He's deliberately trying to control and goad you.

He’s doing this because his usual tactics have not worked (as well you know). Keep on going (although I appreciate how difficult it is)

His solicitor is so not going to be thrilled with his behaviour!!!

Which days does DD go to nursery?

My god, you must be totally and utterly exhausted with this non stop wanker and his bullish tactics. I cant even begin to imagine what this is doing to you when you are now " free" of him and should be healing.

Fucking hell he is an evil little cunt weasel isn't he.

Good luck this evening OP- if he isn't there then I think a police phonecall would be the best thing to do.

Am sat here and have been for 10 minutes - he's always late.

@hazelbite I completely agree, hence me pushing for her to go to nursery. He didn't want her to go.

No he's not doing anything 'wrong' by keeping her, however he's being massively unreasonable, which the court stipulated he must be. I NEVER had her without him knowing exactly when he was having her next. I have never wanted to stop him seeing her, even to Cafcass I expressed the importance of her in his life, but it must be in her best interest.

Yes I am very tired of his behaviour, fortunately I am not dealing with him directly 24/7 anymore so that is a relief. I get an opportunity to think clearly as he was terrible for word salad and talking in circles. Which is exactly why I don't do direct contact. He will be feeling very smug at the moment as I sit here waiting.

Sitting here with you.