Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

[awesmum]

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

I can imagine how wobbly you must feel but also you must hold on to the immense validation he has given you - acting in this way in court to the extent that he a)got told off b)legal officials were approaching you about his behaviour and c) they put you in a safe place until he had gone - demonstrates what you have known and experienced all along. I know its likely he'll try to come back as Mr Moderate but I don't think the court will be fooled. At least I hope not, and with cafcass on your side too I really do think you'll get through this - albeit with wobbles and it being a hard slog..

It must have been quite scary for you but really it will probably be a good thing. If he had turned up all sweetness and light and portraying himself as Mr Reasonable then you would be struggling to prove what a bastard he really is, whereas if he goes off on one then it strengthens your case.

He has really strengthened your case and Cafcass are listened to, well done

You were amazing today to manage on your own with all that going on. I love how he says you are dictating things after his behaviour with the car key.

As tough as it was look at it as Random says, it's actually helping you in the long run

@Disfordarkchocolate that reminds me - I have got the car key back - I got it back on Sunday- just before court ironically but 3 weeks later than I should have!

@RandomMess yes I know they listen to Cafcass but they have no safe guarding concerns, so are no longer involved.

He gave you the key back so you wouldn't raise it in court!

I know! He's an idiot.

As we have to show the court how reasonable we can be with each other, I am going to get my solicitor to ask him as he's not paid any maintenance thus far would he like to make an offer, and see whether he responds.

He's a real shitwad, isn't he? I'll bet his barrister was not 'best pleased'. Wonder if he/she will sack him as a client?

I know it's still a tense time for you and you're not out the tunnel yet, but do allow yourself to celebrate these little moments when his arse-holiness shows in public. Hey! That's a new name for him; "His Arse-Holiness". Fits, doesn't it?

Awesmum, as somone who has recently retired from the court service, believe me when I say that sort of behaviour in Court is "noted".
He has done himself no favours.
His Solicitor and Barrister would have told him that his behaviour was unacceptable.
He must have been pretty bad if you were advised to wait in a separate room!

Honestly this is excellent news, if horribly stressful for you. These things can get very he said, she said. By behaving like a giant arse in front of everyone he has shown the court who is more likely to be speaking the truth.

Well, he's found his shovel and his digging, isn't he? Let him do it. Even if he comes back all reasonable, the court won't forget this.

Don't beat yourself up for feeling wobbly, this has been hugely stressful. But you have the sympathy of the people in court and they now have a perception of you as Reasonable Decent Mum and of him as Arse-Holiness Dad. (Across you rock the nicknames! )

I'm still hoping he falls down a big hole!

You are doing so great! Completely in awe of how well you're handling yourself.
He's showing his true colours to everyone and it won't end well for him.

Fall down a hole, I was hoping to shove him in as a walked past...

Well done OP. What a twat to behave that way but he is completely playing into your hands. Do you know when the next date is yet?

I have court tomorrow for first financial remedy. Thankfully have a barrister but hoping that H decides to represent himself and loses it too. I know that he would be tempted to do his own thing so will he interesting to see him blow. He is a very angry man but I don't think as bad as yours.

Also no maintenance here since he left 18mths ago. What is it with these angry men?

Hiya. I just read all 34 pages of this thread. OP: So many hugs to you.

What a ride! You had me crying, elated when you got your job, elated when you found the people to help you at the court when you went to the wrong place. Rolling my eyes at your STBX and his BS. He's a real POS, isn't he.

You are amazing. And strong! And have handled all of this so well. You're also an inspiration to me.

Keep going OP.

@Daftapath, any news from court?

You don’t need an offer for maintenance just go to cms.

Cafcass will I assume of done a report. I was told by Cafcass that although the judges don’t have to listen to them they rarely go against their judgments.

Just caught up with you - still in awe of you. Must have been scary experience in court. Huge congratulations for getting yourself here and he is...well...I’m lost for words... you are so much better off without him. Can’t believe some of the stuff he did to you and is still trying to do. 💐💐

I obviously believe he did them! Just in case that wasn’t clear...just...so shocking! No wonder all you have bad dreams. Thinking of you.

Hi @Weenurse, thanks for asking. Don't want to hijack op's thread but briefly ...

H's barrister was roundly told off by the judge for bringing the case to court because of the expense (I enjoyed watching that!). Judge pushing for us to agree to 50:50 and selling FMH straight away. Nothing agreed as H wants more than 50%! What he doesn't know yet though is that I have now been advised to go for half his pension! H got very riled in court, mumbling angrily to himself but didn't shout out like OP's H. Onwards and upwards!

@Daftapath good luck

@awesmum you are doing a great job. You have come a long way.💐

Well I have heard nothing yet from his Ares-holiness (thanks for that @AcrossthePond55) I imagine he's solicitor has told him to keep his head down for a couple of days. But I know it's coming just when is the question.

DD18 bumped into a friend of his yesterday and was met with a filthy look from him. I can only imagine he's been saying some awful stuff about her. She was always his whipping boy who he blamed everything on.

I don't know whether to start divorce proceedings now or not, I know it may wind him up and as we go back to court in a couple of months I may be better off leaving it for the time being. In the meantime I hope he falls / gets pushed down a big hole too!

We're still dealing with the emotional fall out, DD11 asked if she could watch tv in the sitting room while I prepared dinner and wasn't in there. And DS16 asked if he was allowed a shower at 9.30pm (they had certain times they were allowed to shower in). I have to keep reminding them things are VERY different now. I am as bad, at work my boss told me I had put a piece of paper in a wrong file, I was so apologetic, he was surprised at my apology and brushed off, I still wait for the hours of long lectures that I would get from STBXH if I did that. The relief when it doesn't happen is palpable.

@Daftapath Really glad to hear your good news, keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Everyone else thank you still for all the support, it has been amazing to have you at my back.

Especially as not one of my 'friends' over the last 8/9 years has even sent a hi text, or anything. But I move on - onward and upward every day

It may take a while for the ingrained rules to soften. They will eventually realise that those rules no longer apply