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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Handhold- telling H I want a divorce

965 replies

awesmum · 05/10/2018 09:12

Handhold please
About to tell my H I want a divorce, he's mean, controlling, gaslighting, cruel to the kids, tiring, exhausting and doesn't stop talking at me. All wrapped up in 'I want what's right for everyone; everything I do is for everyone else; your selfish; not a team player; a thief; a liar; I always put everyone else first. You breathe too loudly; you walk too heavily; when you stand like that you look fat; don't say that; no you can't; you're disrespectful; I am the man of the house; these are my beliefs and my morals.'

I could and probably will go on ...

OP posts:
Pantsomime · 03/03/2019 00:11

OP you are an inspiration! Just caught up- You are being so determined, focused & as impartial as you can be in such a position. Park the divorce, sort DD3 & access out, carry on as you are & access will swing your way. Your poor little DD needs some steadying with his lack of parenting, bad food choices & general lack of her welfare, but she couldn’t be in better hands than yours. You are amazing, hang in there, handhold

AcrossthePond55 · 03/03/2019 01:48

Oh bless their hearts! It going to take a bit until they get used to the 'new (and improved) normal'.

And the idea that an adult would give an 18 year old dirty looks like that is disgusting. Obviously, he picks his friends at his own level!

Onward and upward for you, indeed!

spinn · 03/03/2019 08:01

Op park the divorce but make sure your will is clear to not include him and identifies the kids care as technically he's still your next of kin.

Moffa · 04/03/2019 14:02

Inspirational OP! Flowers

Mrsmummy90 · 05/03/2019 21:36

How are you doing OP?

Original poster
awesmum · 06/03/2019 22:08

@Mrsmummy90 thank you for asking. I am ok. Trying to take care of myself, I am really struggling with sleep, I keep waking up in a panic and can't get back to sleep, I am having really vivid dreams about him and they're not nice. I am managing to get about 4 hours most nights. I need to speak to my solicitor about the divorce because I am worried if I don't do it now I won't be able to divorce him for 2 years and the thought makes me feel sick.
I have heard nothing from him about increasing access, I know this will come it's just when.

OP posts:
Mrsmummy90 · 06/03/2019 22:34

Have you tried Kalms night tablets? They're herbal and really help with sleep.
I'd suggest seeing a counsellor regularly for support. You've been through a lot of trauma and having someone help you work through it in a positive way could be beneficial.
I'm sorry you're struggling.

If you feel the divorce is something you want out of the way then go for it!

AcrossthePond55 · 07/03/2019 00:57

Losing sleep due to stress and fear is the pits!!!

I don't know if you have it in the UK, but look for the 'Calm' app for your phone. It's a meditation & relaxation app and has some really good sounds and exercises on it.

Try journalling. Sometimes it helps to write the 'bad things' down. Write down the dream. Write down your fears. Then close the journal and tell yourself 'There, I've made a record of that. I'll look at it later and figure it out'.

He's still the 'Sword of Damocles' hanging over your head. It'll take time, but you'll banish him from your headspace after a while. And yes, getting the legal ball rolling will probably help.

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/03/2019 07:17

I've started keeping a diary to help with my stress, it helps to be able to look back and see actual facts, not just vague memories because being stressed messes with my memory.

No suggestion about the sleep as I haven't made much progress on that. I make sure I listen to something relaxing as I go to sleep, nothing scary or I have bad (worse) dreams. I think you should look at counselling, reliving bad events can be a symptom of PTSD but I'm certainly not in any position to diagnose anyone. Take care you are amazing.

Original poster
awesmum · 08/03/2019 16:21

So after the court saying we must work things out as reasonable parents, the first weekend he is due to have DD3 I dropped her off at nursery (they were shut for the day so I had her) he said that he's not dropping her off on Sunday and will speak to his solicitor on Monday as he's keeping her. All at 4pm on a Friday afternoon. So I am straight on the phone to my solicitor. No doubt he'll ignore any calls from his solicitor.

OP posts:
Original poster
awesmum · 08/03/2019 16:50

My solicitor is not in till Tuesday. I am stuck.

OP posts:
ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 08/03/2019 17:22

Oh no! You need to get this documented somehow.

Is there a court order with times? Can you contact his solicitor at all?

Thanks
ZestyMaximus · 08/03/2019 17:25

This is shit Awesmum, no two ways about it. However, bigger picture, he's screwing himself long term for a bit of control for three days now. Keep a detailed log of the conversation and pass to your solicitor on Tuesday. He has control this weekend - sure. Ultimately though, this will simply add weight to your case in court.

You can do this. Keep on keeping on.

Mrsmummy90 · 08/03/2019 17:34

Would it be worth ringing the police?

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/03/2019 17:56

I don't want to put extra awful thoughts in your head but does he have access to a passport for her? It is possible he knew your solicitor wasn't available so is there anyone else at the firm who can take action on Monday instead. He is evil.

RandomMess · 08/03/2019 18:04

It does mean you can go straight to court Monday and fine for residency preferably with power of arrest attached because he refuses to stick to the prearranged agreement.

Post of legal and find out what you need to do to get the wheels in motion Thanks

Original poster
awesmum · 08/03/2019 18:25

It is documented at my solicitors, it was the first time he's had her and I have had contact with him since court. My DD18 managed to get the end of the conversation on camera which helps.

@Mrsmummy90 police won't do anything as it's a civil matter.

It all goes to show the court how he's not reasonable nor trying to make agreements between us which WAS ordered in court.

I am going to refuse all handovers in person. They will have to be done via a third party - because I will not put up with this. Which will probably mean changes to the current access.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 08/03/2019 19:09

It's probably too late (I'm in the US so it's not even noon here) but call your solicitor's firm back if you can and see if they have an 'on call' or 'emergency' solicitor to stand in for yours. Or call first thing Monday morning and ask. You can file for an emergency hearing for residency. I don't know the ins and outs (again in the US), but I've heard other MNers speak of it and I'm sure a solicitor would know.

Remember that although you cannot force him to return DD absent a court order, the same does NOT apply to anyone other than him. Do you think it likely that he'll take DD to his parent's or a friend's? Childcare? Is there a way you can spy on them? Because if he does (and leaves) they MUST hand her over to you. The police will make them as they have NO parental rights.

Damn him.

Original poster
awesmum · 08/03/2019 19:31

He has no family, those still alive went nc with him because of how he is. He will just hang on to her for dear life and not put her down. When he was here he carried her while peeing to stop her finding the rest of her family.

OP posts:
daphine2004 · 08/03/2019 21:05

Hey @Awesmum I have spent my evening reading your thread and can’t believe how strong and resilient you are - you’re amazing.

He is an absolute arse and you’re clearly in a much better place without him.

I hope everything goes well for you and your kids.

SospanFrangipan · 08/03/2019 21:12

I've been reading this thread since teatime, and oh my word @awesmum what a wonderful lady you are. So strong, and you really an awesome mum. Keep going, don't let him ware you down. Sending lots of love to you and your wonderful children xxx

Mrsmummy90 · 08/03/2019 23:03

I've never met this man but I literally despise him so much for the way he treats you and your family. He is an evil little POS!!!!

Weenurse · 08/03/2019 23:10

He carried her while peeing?
Totally inappropriate and document that as well.
He is showing his true colours to court as well, so they have a measure of him.
Document all you can.
Good luck

SD1978 · 09/03/2019 02:01

Does he currently have her? Is the visitation court ordered, or still as an informal arrangement? If he doesn't return her, can you deny access on safety grounds until court? I wouldn't contact him until after the time he is supposed to return her, in case this is juts another part of the 'game' and him trying to control you. If she's not returned on the correct day, then solicitor on Tuesday, to discuss emergency orders, potentially even a contact centre and formal orders ASAP. When is your next court date? I'm sorry you're not getting any further forward, but always so impressed by your strength in this post xxx

CantStopMeNow · 09/03/2019 13:44

I'm not surprised with his latest stunt.
I'd refuse all contact until you've got a residence order so the police CAN forcibly return dd to you if he does it again.

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