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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you think to these comments? Am I being sensitive?

398 replies

user4671 · 04/10/2018 10:00

DP of 5 months. First 2/3 months seemed to think i was the world, couldnt be more attentive and glowing in his views of me, coupled with various comparisons to his ex who i was very differnet to apparently, in all these wonderful ways.....

fast forward to month 4 and he's started making comments that have made me uncomfortable. few examples:

are you going to get a proper wax?
would you get your arsehole waxed? i say no. he says most women wouldnt want a hairy arsehole (sorry if TMI)
most women want to be on the pill.
most women like to wear heels, how come you dont? (i do, just not at work...)
I said i need to be on form for saturday (passing comment - friends wedding and knew it would be a long day!). he said i should always be on form, not just on particular days.
queried why i wasnt going to a tanning salon 3 times before a holiday after telling him i didnt like them. again he said most women would.
regularly asks why i am not wearing sexy underwear. (i find the nice cotton ones more comfy!!! haha).
had a dinner with another couple and on leaving the restaursnt he asked why my make up didnt stay on as well as his friends' partner's. i found this quite insulting and told him so and he said he was trying to help...?

im not shy and will answer back - i will ask him if he is comparing me to women, or i will say if he wants a woman who tans (for example) then thats not me and never will be. all that seems to do is cause upset and he will tell me i am being dramatic and he cant say anything without me being sensitive.

he doesnt say these things with malice, they are all posed as suggestions, as if he is trying to assist me with life or make me behave like most women.

i never really thought i was different to any other women tbh - some women tan, wax, wear heels etc, some dont!

it is starting to bring me down though. i feel like telling him to go and concentrate on his own life and leave me to manage my own as im quite happy thanks. is he just being nice as he claims?

OP posts:
AynRandTheObjectivist · 04/10/2018 22:29

How do you tan your arsehole? Do you not get handprint-shaped white marks on your bum cheeks from holding them apart?

Undercoverbanana · 04/10/2018 22:42

I wax because I want to. Not because a controlling man tells me to.

Tanning? No.

Heels? No.

Pill? No (ok - I’m post-meno and have the mirena coil, but you get the point)

Make- up - absolutely fuck no. Awful stuff.

It’s your life OP. Live it your way.

C0untDucku1a · 04/10/2018 22:49

Good luck op. Block block block.

looondonn · 04/10/2018 22:56

oh god
loser loser

run a mile

bet you are a million times better than a fool like that

ughhhhh

I used to have a horrid ex - grossly overweight pressurise me into going to the gym - i was size 12 he wanted a size 8
the morning he sugested he take me shopping as he wanted me to most wear white heels and dresses (wraf!!)
i legged it
this was week 3 of the relationship

runnnn please do OP

Lunde · 04/10/2018 22:56

Your gut is telling you all you need to know OP - this is not the right relationship for you. Even after 5 months he is chipping away at your confidence and making you anxious.

You would not have posted if you didn't know this was not right. You need to end it, block and run ....

rackhampearl · 04/10/2018 22:57

My DH is the opposite. He walked in on me bleaching my arsehole and kicked off, 'who are you doing that for because I already like your arsehole' we had a massive row and then burst out laughing. Grin

Ginger1982 · 04/10/2018 22:57

Have you dumped him yet??

AynRandTheObjectivist · 04/10/2018 22:58

'who are you doing that for because I already like your arsehole'

Oh God I wish I were your next door neighbour.

ImNotonLinkedInNo · 04/10/2018 23:00

he sounds horrible. Wish him good luck with 'most women'

BoomTish · 04/10/2018 23:00

The controlling asshole literally wants to control your asshole!!!!!!

Tell him you’ve booked both of you in for waxing sessions, and make him go first. Then dump him, and leave.

Mummyoftwo91 · 04/10/2018 23:01

He sounds fucking vile, it's only been a few month and he's displaying major warning signs get out now or it will only get worse

rackhampearl · 04/10/2018 23:01

Aynrand Grin I don't know what they must have thought. 'I was doing it for you because I was working myself up for anal'

DH: I don't mind us not doing anal because I don't want to make you sick again!

All very shouty and confuzzling for any eavesdropping neighbours.

Blameanamechange · 04/10/2018 23:11

Hope youve managed to flick off the nasty piece of dog shit thats been mascarading as a bf for the first few months of your relationship OP. None of this is your fault. He is a gaslighting controlling shitbag who can turn in the charm when he wishes. He knows exactly what hes doing. Make sure you do. Get rid of bad rubbish.

highby · 04/10/2018 23:37

Think ahead 5 months, how do you see yourself being treated by this person?

Come on you know you deserve better.

Sunbeds are proven to cause skin cancer, why would someone who genuinely cares for you want to put you at risk.

As for your hairy bum hole (never thought I'd be typing that here) tell him it's something you could do together, he can go first.

dragonflyflew · 05/10/2018 00:58

#cunt

HereIgoagainxx · 05/10/2018 01:10

Boomtish Grin That really made me laugh!

KathDayKnight50 · 05/10/2018 09:58

Tell him in future, he should ask a girl to show him her arsehole BEFORE he asks her on the first date, to see if it's up to his high standards. See how far he gets with that!

TeacupTattoo · 05/10/2018 10:26

Well I'm a woman, I don't wax my arsehole, I'm not on the pill, I have never used tanning beds, I don't wear high heels. I also don't put up with shit either and would tell him to go find one of these 'most women' - but a lot less politely!
Don't put up with being put down OP.

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 05/10/2018 10:30

Nothing would induce me to wax my arsehole. I don’t think I’ve ever looked that closely at it.

SeraphinaDombegh · 05/10/2018 10:35

Are you still with us OP? You ok?

Inexperiencedchick · 05/10/2018 13:00

If you continue with him, stand your ground and do what you prefer doing, he will after certain period of time cheat on you by finding someone more willing to change and making adjustments in herself to his expectations. But that won’t be enough, because there will alway be something else.

My ex (recent one) idiolised me at the beginning, then it went to “you are like a man, you don’t act like woman. Then i should start using tampons instead of pads, I should wear red underwear as that’s what he likes, I should start putting some makeup on as he prefers women with a makeup...etc”
Me in return: “I don’t use make up, I don’t wear red, I don’t use tampons, I am who I am.”
The outcome: he met someone and was sleeping with her, it wasn’t too late when I realised what’s going on...

Do not give any second of your life any more.

It’s your win as he showed you who he is early on.

Sorry you are experiencing it 💐

ciderhouserules · 05/10/2018 17:17

OP - I hope you've got rid by now. The 'throwing you down the stairs' is chilling, because you/he's thought that (and crossed that boundary), and threatened it (or made you think he had - so crossed that boundary).

Next time it'll be a small shove, just enough to scare you (and cross that boundary) and IF he gets away with that, the next time it'll be the full shove. Because he got away with it. Because you knew what would come next. Because you'd been warned....Angry God these twats are so clever and so insidious.

In between, of course, he'll be charm itself.

YearOfYouRemember · 05/10/2018 17:32

Don't be terrified of your own judgement.

I stayed with men from 16-23 that I should have left sooner but I had my reasons for why and I won't beat myself up anymore about them. Then I met Dh and really it wasn't all my fault what had gone before. I'd just met men who were bad in all sorts of ways and also bad for me. I made wrong hxoies but luckily none that were for ever (children) or difficult to get out of (buying property, marriage).

You just haven't met the decent man that is for you yet. But you'll never meet him while you're with a twat and/ or not emotionally ready.

Haffiana · 05/10/2018 19:03

also we know many of the same people. no doubt they will conclude that charismatic him is not to blame.

Tell them exactly what you have told us. Tell them that he started to be controlling and threatened violence and tell them exactly what he did. Most of them, deep down, will not be surprised.

You are ENTITLED to feel that he is a cunt and to tell everyone how you feel. Make some blow up rubber doll jokes. And even if he persuades people that it was all your fault, even if they don't believe you, at least they will know that there is another side to his story and there will always be a question mark about him.

Abuse can only fester in the dark. So many women take the shame that belongs solely to their abusive partners and make it their own. They actually connive in hiding abusive behaviour. It is one of the saddest side effects of the head-fucking that goes on with emotional and physical abuse.

Jengnr · 05/10/2018 19:05

Your judgement is alright. You KNEW this wasn’t right and you asked for confirmation, which you now have.

You shouldn’t be crying and begging at 5 months (or ever wrt begging), you should be smiling and constantly shag drunk (even if your ringpiece looks like Chewbacca).

Lets just dip into bizzarro world for a second and imagine he’s right (he isn’t) and that you are abusive (you aren’t). Wouldn’t the best thing for everyone concerned be that the relationship ended?

I don’t think you should even bother texting him tbh. Just ghost him. If you have anything of his post it back.

Don’t look back. You are awesome.