What would you think to these comments? Am I being sensitive?

[user4671]

DP of 5 months. First 2/3 months seemed to think i was the world, couldnt be more attentive and glowing in his views of me, coupled with various comparisons to his ex who i was very differnet to apparently, in all these wonderful ways.....

fast forward to month 4 and he's started making comments that have made me uncomfortable. few examples:

are you going to get a proper wax?
would you get your arsehole waxed? i say no. he says most women wouldnt want a hairy arsehole (sorry if TMI)
most women want to be on the pill.
most women like to wear heels, how come you dont? (i do, just not at work...)
I said i need to be on form for saturday (passing comment - friends wedding and knew it would be a long day!). he said i should always be on form, not just on particular days.
queried why i wasnt going to a tanning salon 3 times before a holiday after telling him i didnt like them. again he said most women would.
regularly asks why i am not wearing sexy underwear. (i find the nice cotton ones more comfy!!! haha).
had a dinner with another couple and on leaving the restaursnt he asked why my make up didnt stay on as well as his friends' partner's. i found this quite insulting and told him so and he said he was trying to help...?

im not shy and will answer back - i will ask him if he is comparing me to women, or i will say if he wants a woman who tans (for example) then thats not me and never will be. all that seems to do is cause upset and he will tell me i am being dramatic and he cant say anything without me being sensitive.

he doesnt say these things with malice, they are all posed as suggestions, as if he is trying to assist me with life or make me behave like most women.

i never really thought i was different to any other women tbh - some women tan, wax, wear heels etc, some dont!

it is starting to bring me down though. i feel like telling him to go and concentrate on his own life and leave me to manage my own as im quite happy thanks. is he just being nice as he claims?

Most women DON'T but it's none of his business anyway. I'd be put off just by him referring to my 'arsehole' anyway.

What a tool he is. Glad you posted and hope you’ve sent the text to dump him and block from now on. Who cares whether mutual friends think it was your fault it ended, they can date him & see what a tool he is for themselves.

You’ll be back to your strong usual self soon OP! Good luck.

ZaZatheCat
Met too Makes me feel sick

Good luck getting out OP and rediscovering your confidence, sounds like you've had a lucky escape.

OP
Obviously you are not abusive based on what you have posted. In fact all of this is textbook abusive behaviour from him.
Read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft if you need more reassurance on that point.

However, in simple terms this relationship isn't working for you. Its making you feel worse about yourself not better. That alone is sufficient reason to end it. Nobody has to stay with someone who makes them feel bad about themselves.

Leave him before he ruins your life.

You are still the confident young woman you were, before you met him, but you've taken an emotional battering, the good news is, it's early days, and you will recover, and be even stronger.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you, but rest assured, you won't allow it to happen again, now that you're better informed.
When you text him to end it, make sure that you are clear, and that you want no further contact with him. Keep the text.
The thing is, these kind of men play on our being nice people, he won't be happy that he's been dumped. Make sure that you do not keep this to yourself, that could make you a victim, I know this from past experience, unfortunately. Speak out, confide in people close to you, and then, if he does become abusive, stalkerish etc., you've got plenty of back up. 🌺

Agree with everything everyone is saying - get out now.

And how does he know what most women want/do?????? Even his mates GF are not going to talk to him about the (non) benefits of arsehole waxing, so his only point of refrence is what HE wants or THINKS they should do.

As a woman yourself and the intmate conversations you will have had with your girlfriends, random people in nightclub toiles (just me??) you out rank his "knowing what most women do" but 1000's to 1

If he comes back to your text of dumping with why or anything else or he starts be abusive, just go back and say "most men i know wouldn/t embarrass themselves by acting like this"

Leave him ‘most women would’

I'm sorry you've been put through all of that. Have you text him yet?

I had a series of similarly dodgy boyfriends before my husband turned up.

My husband couldn't care less if I have a hairy anything. He was actually visibly shocked that women get their bumholes waxed and even more so that they then call it empowerment/choice/whatever.

The good guys are out there OP. And you know what, even if they aren't, that's ok. Being single is cool too. It's a damn sight better than being with someone who is an abusive piece of shit, that's for sure.

Christ. The way some men go on, you’d actually think Saruman was out there somewhere, having his foul breed of Uruk-hai dug up from gross, slimy pods in the ground, ready to be unleashed upon their poor, unsuspecting victims. Bleaurgh!

Tell Adonis that his lack of a bleached arsehole is a deal breaker for you and say a firm ‘buh-bye’. Seriously, OP. You'll be well rid!

DP, I've realised you're completely right.

I really don't want a hairy arse hole. Who needs that eh?

Please consider this text as a thorough waxing.

Goodbye

He sounds like someone who used to be married to one of my relatives. He was absolutely charming, was the life and soul of the party and deemed as a top bloke. He charmed the pants off everyone and would slip in sharp barbs and then feign ignorance if anyone pulled him up on it or say you were too sensitive or it was a joke. He criticised and controlled what my relative wore, even had her change her hair colour and texture to suit him and she had to wear what he said. Everyone thought he was great and I saw through him the first time I met him and was told to keep my mouth shut or I would upset relative.

A few years on he totally destroyed her self esteem and confidence and she has been unable to trust anyone since.

OP, please look up gaslighting because that is what he is doing to you.

Next time he gaslight you take advantage of that opening. Tell him he's right about everything and its best if you let him go find someone else and that you need to be on your own to sort out all your faults.

It's 5 months please don't let it be 5 years based on the fact he charmed you initially.

My ex was like this. It never changed and ruined my confidence. He ended up being violent too.

This is exactly the tactics an abuser uses. The longer you stay the harder it will be to leave because you'll end up exhausted and anxious.

i would cry and beg and shout in the face of his silence, when perhaps what he needed was space?

The only thing he needs is a boot up the backside. Get rid and for the love of God don't do that woman thing where we pick over the carcass of a relationship (in this case, not even a long term one - five months? My Botox lasts longer than that) and wonder what if and where did we go wrong etc etc etc. It is truly not a complicated situation. He is an arsehole, he's making you ill, you spotted it and ended it before it went any further. End of, nothing more to contemplate.

I often wonder why so many women seem to spend so long in relationships that are just utterly horrible. Obviously they don't feel confident in ending them even when they're barely weeks old and the guy is clearly an arsewipe, but that still doesn't answer why. Why? What are you worried about? It's a brand new relationship, he's being a shit, you've got no ties, what are you afraid will happen if you just bin the shithead off?

no doubt they will conclude that charismatic him is not to blame.

OP this would be the least of my worries. Escaping this fucker would be worth any amount of gossip.

Reading this you can imagine how those poor women who stay with abused partners for years get dragged into it.

You are so lucky to have nipped it in the bud.

Oh and it's not your fault

Don’t like sound of that. I had a guy who would make comments like that to him comparing me with other women negatively but ‘helpfully’. He hurt me so much. He’s trying to change you right from the outset. Very negative sign. The guy I was with went on to be very happy with someone else. Not saying all men who do this are definitively bad, but I didn’t want to stay with someone who thought there were so many things that needed to be changed about me. And all surface things too at the start...then it was ‘you’re too x’ ‘you’re too y’.

Good luck op in dumping this nasty man.

Don't worry what your mutual friends think, keep a dignified calm. If he were all that brilliant you wouldn't be dumping him. They don't have to date him.

You recognised that this was not right so congratulate yourself for seeing him as he is.

The guy I was with went on to be very happy with someone else.

I'm sure that HE is as happy as a pig in shit.

He WILL erode your self esteem. I can't understand why you don't shut him down, instead of answering. I'd go nuclear - then leave.

You will regret it big time if you stay.

Run as fast as you can .

Ps. You do know there is nothing wrong with you but a lot wrong with him.

Send that text and end it. You will feel so much better for doing so.

Don't be terrified of your judgement in men, it's only 5 months in to the relationship, and you have realised that things should not be like that. Many people, including myself, take a lot lot longer to realise. It's always impossible to see the full extent of the issues until you are out of the situation, but you picked up on enough to know that it wasn't right.

Good luck OP.

I am so glad that you posted and are now feeling strong enough to get out of this relationship. So many of us have been there unfortunately.

Do not worry about your judgement, you are still the same person you always were. It is so so difficult to not give in when you are being love bombed. Who doesn't want to hear that someone thinks they are amazing? Who doesn't want to be constantly reassured and made to feel wonderful by someone they are falling for?

I have been there (of course 😔) and I look back at the love bombing stage with such clear eyes. When he compared me to his ex (and I always came out on top of course), I realised that once we were broken up he would be doing the same to me. That felt like shit but I took comfort in the fact that he would do this no matter what kind of girlfriend I had been...he was simply playing his routine and so what he subsequently said about me wouldn't matter.

I also remember feeling strange when my relationship started with my now husband. There was no love bombing and I didn't know what to make of that? He didn't call me the lost amazing girl he had ever met, he didn't tell me all the wonderful things I did that his ex didn't etc etc. I thought that meant he didn't like me...but our relationship continued (as he is so lovely). What I now realise is that he tells me now that I am amazing and wonderful etc etc. Now that he knows me, now that I am his partner, not before, and it means so so much more as a result. Love bombing is seductive but empty...

So it is onwards and upwards for sure!! Get rid of this one, look forward to meeting other men, be cautious but don't put up too many walls. Your eyes are opened now and trust me when I say you have had a lucky escape!!

Sorry for the ramble...good luck!!

Not rtft but I second pps saying get rid now. Had one of those. Bad decision to stay. He will be horrid. This is horrid. You deserve more and he will just drag you down. Sounds so familiar op.

Just control control control x