What would you think to these comments? Am I being sensitive?

[user4671]

DP of 5 months. First 2/3 months seemed to think i was the world, couldnt be more attentive and glowing in his views of me, coupled with various comparisons to his ex who i was very differnet to apparently, in all these wonderful ways.....

fast forward to month 4 and he's started making comments that have made me uncomfortable. few examples:

are you going to get a proper wax?
would you get your arsehole waxed? i say no. he says most women wouldnt want a hairy arsehole (sorry if TMI)
most women want to be on the pill.
most women like to wear heels, how come you dont? (i do, just not at work...)
I said i need to be on form for saturday (passing comment - friends wedding and knew it would be a long day!). he said i should always be on form, not just on particular days.
queried why i wasnt going to a tanning salon 3 times before a holiday after telling him i didnt like them. again he said most women would.
regularly asks why i am not wearing sexy underwear. (i find the nice cotton ones more comfy!!! haha).
had a dinner with another couple and on leaving the restaursnt he asked why my make up didnt stay on as well as his friends' partner's. i found this quite insulting and told him so and he said he was trying to help...?

im not shy and will answer back - i will ask him if he is comparing me to women, or i will say if he wants a woman who tans (for example) then thats not me and never will be. all that seems to do is cause upset and he will tell me i am being dramatic and he cant say anything without me being sensitive.

he doesnt say these things with malice, they are all posed as suggestions, as if he is trying to assist me with life or make me behave like most women.

i never really thought i was different to any other women tbh - some women tan, wax, wear heels etc, some dont!

it is starting to bring me down though. i feel like telling him to go and concentrate on his own life and leave me to manage my own as im quite happy thanks. is he just being nice as he claims?

I agree @Overyou - there’s something at the very least creepy about men wanting women’s bodies to look prepubescent...

As witty as some of the suggested texts are, don’t send them.

totally agree

head It's definitely a pattern with such guys. I don't think they even know they're doing it a lot of the time.

I literally had one guy call me the group slut in front of all his friends (because I'd dated his friend previously) and tell me I had a weird vulva (I don't).

And another guy went on and on and on about one small imperfection (a bump on my nose that no one else has ever commented on) and I STILL worry about it, this is 10 years ago or more that we dated. He had plenty wrong with him that I never commented on, but he would always make comments about it and then say it was a joke, I'm just teasing, I like it really etc etc.

Thank fuck I'm out of that relationship. Or any of those relationships.

there’s something at the very least creepy about men wanting women’s bodies to look prepubescent

Oh God don't start this debate, please. It's been done to death and this is not the place.

I don't think these men intend to do what they do. It's like they have a pool of hatred just sitting inside them that they spew out onto the closest person to them.

The very early part of the relationship is the only time they don't see being shit to you as a way of making themselves feel better. It's like they're in love with the new 'non-cunt' version of themselves but it soon wears off and the self loathing starts to spill out via their critical and controlling nature.

And another guy went on and on and on about one small imperfection

My friend had a boyfriend once who on a night at the pub, critiqued every woman going past
"oh no, way too tight for that bum"
"god what a state"
etc
She was sort of giggling along as it was a new relationship- I said to her then that I didn't like him and made a few jokes at his expense (not cruel, just along the lines of "Steady On Brad Pitt") that sort of thing. Fast forward a few years and she no longer straightened her hair as he 'doesn't like it', worried about her weight as he has told her she's the biggest woman he's ever been out with (she's a size 12) He eventually dumped her as she was too needy (her dad died) It took her years to get over him

head I think that’s spot on.

When you split with him do not countenance meeting up to talk, reels of text messages swinging from pleading to cursing etc. Tell him it's over. When he starts with the texts or phone calls be very firm that it is over. You won't meet him. you won't reconsider. And within 24 hours of his first wheedling text if he is still sending them send him one saying he is not to contact you again and if he does you will consider it harassment and take suitable legal action against him

Everythin wafflkey says is MN gospel.

DONOT believe a word this shyster says - he is lying through his teeth. . .

Arsenic that is truly shocking!

OP don't assume he won't get physical. I thought what you think. He had gone so far down the road of denying that he was doing anything wrong that he strangled me one night and only let go when I went limp. I left soon after. I think he genuinely thought he could do it and then either justify it or deny it. I wish I had called the cops on him now. I had spectacular bruising and spoke like Marge Simpson for two weeks. Luckily I was off work for two weeks and no-one that mattered knew what happened. His perception of the world is way different to yours and common measures cannot be applied to his thought processes. Take care and I agree with PP's that say to fade it out rather than dump. Ghosting is awful but he would get the full fucking Hallowe'en experience from me in that respect. Block block and block some more.

Luckily I was off work for two weeks and no-one that mattered knew what happened

Not so luckily Peaked - you could have had the bastard in jail but missed your chance, because like many women you are too NICE

Don't give an inch to these bastards

Run.

Schaden Damn right! I wouldn't put up with shite like that now. His feet wouldn't touch!

A woman was attacked near a place he worked just after I left him. Her description of her attacker was 8 out of 10 him. I anonymously told the police that I thought he was worth a look but I don't know if anything came of it. It was all decades ago but I still get shivers when something reminds me of him. These types do a lot of damage.

5 months? New love? It's meant to be all shagging and handholding at this stage, not complaints about your appearance and threats to throw you down the stairs.

There is nothing you have done to justify this. You haven't emotionally abused him as he claims (not that that would make it at all ok). Even if you did abuse him, a normal, decent man would simply walk away.

Dump him.

I have a tanned, waxed arsehole and even I think you should dump him!

Hope you're okay, OP. I have a disgusting ex who sounds similar. My only regret is not ending it sooner, when the red flags appeared. He threatened to 'snap my spine'. Instead I gave him loads of chances and suffered for 18 months with put downs and gas lighting. If I am honest I still struggle thinking about it now and I am 8 or 9 years down the line.

I have the most incredible dh now who loves me and everything about me, including my extra hairy bum! Please leave this anus now (no pun intended) xx

Tell him yes you are getting your arsehole waxed amd book him in for a back sack and crack but just give him the date and time

britney

My other half (40+) and I (40+) appreciate that our bodies and mindsets have changed. You need a PARTNER not som
e one who plays for a while and then denigrates you.

There was a good thread on here recently about a lady who was with a man who she thought was narcissistic.

There was really good advice. Really good insight into how it left you feeling.

The bits people have said about lovebomb, devalue then discard are true.

I can't remember what the thread was
Called but someone with a better memory will no doubt be along tonight. Well worth a read.

I would book him a waxing appointment, tell him you are getting your arsehole waxed and give him the details. Then leave him.

Mutual friends don't usually assign goodie and baddie roles to couples who break up. Would you? You'd probably just think Oh, so that didn't work out. I wonder what I'll have for dinner

Please come back op. Keep posting. We are here for you.

@mogratpineapple was about to type run away from men who say 'most women' !!!!!

Op reading this thread has given me chills, your experience is so similar to mine (your "d"p isn't German is he?!). My abusive ex actually tried to throw me down the stairs the night before I left him. Initially, he treated me like a queen and I never would have believed he was capable of it.

These men know they are abusive, you won't be the first woman to have told him this - but they use all the knowledge to turn it around on you. Before I left him, the violence was escalating, from him throwing things, pushing me, grabbing things out of my hands etc. He hit me on the shoulder once and then dismissed me when I told him it hurt. I did the same back to him and he jumped all over it, claiming I was abusive and making a big deal of it. Please don't let this awful man mess with your head anymore.

LTB and please stay safe. Don't underestimate how persistent and vile he will be when you end it. Text and then block him. Do not whatever you do, meet him in real life.

I have a tanned, waxed arsehole and even I think you should dump him!