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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would you think to these comments? Am I being sensitive?

398 replies

user4671 · 04/10/2018 10:00

DP of 5 months. First 2/3 months seemed to think i was the world, couldnt be more attentive and glowing in his views of me, coupled with various comparisons to his ex who i was very differnet to apparently, in all these wonderful ways.....

fast forward to month 4 and he's started making comments that have made me uncomfortable. few examples:

are you going to get a proper wax?
would you get your arsehole waxed? i say no. he says most women wouldnt want a hairy arsehole (sorry if TMI)
most women want to be on the pill.
most women like to wear heels, how come you dont? (i do, just not at work...)
I said i need to be on form for saturday (passing comment - friends wedding and knew it would be a long day!). he said i should always be on form, not just on particular days.
queried why i wasnt going to a tanning salon 3 times before a holiday after telling him i didnt like them. again he said most women would.
regularly asks why i am not wearing sexy underwear. (i find the nice cotton ones more comfy!!! haha).
had a dinner with another couple and on leaving the restaursnt he asked why my make up didnt stay on as well as his friends' partner's. i found this quite insulting and told him so and he said he was trying to help...?

im not shy and will answer back - i will ask him if he is comparing me to women, or i will say if he wants a woman who tans (for example) then thats not me and never will be. all that seems to do is cause upset and he will tell me i am being dramatic and he cant say anything without me being sensitive.

he doesnt say these things with malice, they are all posed as suggestions, as if he is trying to assist me with life or make me behave like most women.

i never really thought i was different to any other women tbh - some women tan, wax, wear heels etc, some dont!

it is starting to bring me down though. i feel like telling him to go and concentrate on his own life and leave me to manage my own as im quite happy thanks. is he just being nice as he claims?

OP posts:

ravenmum · 04/10/2018 13:26

i would cry and beg and shout in the face of his silence, when perhaps what he needed was space?
Well, you are giving him space now.

Let's stop focusing on what you did and turn it around. Why were you crying and begging? Because of something he did or said. Why is the focus not on that? Because he cleverly deflected your justified, reasonable criticism and made it all about your supposed faults yet again. Deflecting criticism by turning it round on the other person is a classic, and works especially well when you've already got'em doubting themself.

You're seeing all this through the prism of his views. When you get distance you'll be able to work through it (e.g. with that programme) and gradually sort it out in your mind properly.
www.loveisrespect.org/content/myth-of-mutual-abuse/

ciderhouserules · 04/10/2018 13:28

Tree I remember your thread, and how incredibly mad it went! He was a total tosser, for sure.

OP - this all happened in 5 months? Or less, if he's been 'charming' for the first few. I hope you can reaccess the woman you were before, and get her back. this man is frightening.

I think I'd be tempted to argue back about something, so that he goes for the 'silent' treatment punishment - then block him on everything, and change the locks. Wait for him to realise that in fact you are giving him the silent treatment, have moved on from HIM, and he can't contact you. That realisation that in fact you have broken away from him. And he'll have done it all to himself He can't argue that you are still 'his' if he hasn't been in contact for x weeks....

But for safety, I'd text. And make sure he doesn't have keys.

Gersemi · 04/10/2018 13:28

im usually outgoing and confident and yet these comments have really made me question myself. i have reacted badly to some of them and caused an argument

You didn't cause any argument, OP, he did by making those utterly stupid and objectionable comments.

it makes me wonder if it was me. i would cry and beg and shout in the face of his silence, when perhaps what he needed was space?

Of course it wasn't you. Any man with half an ounce of emotional intelligence would have responded to the fact that you were upset, not stayed silent and then come up with that claptrap about being abused.

OP, every time you start wondering whether any of this was your fault, please stop yourself and remind yourself that that is what he wants and is a direct product of his abuse. Remember, the ultimate triumph is knowing that you have defeated him by realising what he was up to and walking away.

KathDayKnight50 · 04/10/2018 13:33

i have reacted badly to some of them and caused an argument

You reacted normally to them and tried to stand up for yourself.

He didn't like that and had to find a way to get you to back down, doubt yourself and even accuse YOU of abuse.

If you believe him, it worked in his favour.

But you don't believe that any longer, do you OP

cantsleepwithnofan · 04/10/2018 13:41

You reacted to someone abusing you. Then he was gaslighting you to make you think you're abusive, so that he can continue controlling and abusing you.

Please tell him you want nothing more to do with him, don't respond to any texts or love bombing, don't answer your door. Tell some in real life what's happening. I know you say you don't feel physically threatened but you've only known this man 5 months, you don't know what he's capable of.

Overyou · 04/10/2018 13:43

Not the point of the thread I know but I will be glad when the fashion for hairless bodies is well and truly over. I can’t believe vile men like this are putting pressure on women to wax their arseholes of all things and think it’s in any way normal.

Sparkletastic · 04/10/2018 13:46

Abusers often project 'abuse' onto their victims.
End it now. By text is fine. Be very clear and no agreeing to talking it over.
Don't question your judgement in men too much - you knew it was going wrong and you haven't stuck it out too long. It's understandable that it took you a little time to come to terms with what is happening. You are a strong woman and you will be again once he's out of your life.

ravenmum · 04/10/2018 13:52

People also bleach their arseholes - I think mostly gay men, but I've heard of women doing it. My bf is slightly obsessed with my bum and I actually wondered whether I should consider clearing it up a bit - for about half a millisecond, until I envisaged the practicalities .

oatmilk4breakfast · 04/10/2018 13:52

Wow. I hadn’t even read full thread before I posted. Doubly and triply supportive of you dumping this one. Your judgement is totally sound.

ravenmum · 04/10/2018 13:56

Actually, you know where the trend for anal waxing and bleaching comes from, unsurprisingly - porn, of course.

Now I know what he means by "most women".

wafflyversatile · 04/10/2018 13:57

Even if you feel you should take some blame yourself, and I very much doubt you should, a relationship where you are in tears so often, where you are utterly miserable 5 months in is not a good relationship.

When you split with him do not countenance meeting up to talk, reels of text messages swinging from pleading to cursing etc. Tell him it's over. When he starts with the texts or phone calls be very firm that it is over. You won't meet him. you won't reconsider. And within 24 hours of his first wheedling text if he is still sending them send him one saying he is not to contact you again and if he does you will consider it harassment and take suitable legal action against him.

keepingbees · 04/10/2018 13:57

Nothing add, just reiterate what everyone else has said.

He's revolting and he's chipping away at you. Get rid and don't look back, you're worth so much more.

crochetmonkey74 · 04/10/2018 14:00

THIS

you have to be really strong, but it is the only way

Thebluedog · 04/10/2018 14:10

None of this is your fault OP, you are NOT abusive.

In a good relationship you do have disagreements and of course arguments, but at no point should either of you feel that upset that you cry, or beg for the other persons affection or attention. I’ve been with my dh for over 5 years and I can honestly say he’s never made me cry.

MiggledyHiggins · 04/10/2018 14:10

When he's accusing you of being abusive, that's projection - do you see? What they do is cleverly manipulate and goad you into being the one who seems abusive. That could be engineering that you'd try to stop them walking out, or poke poke poke at you until you react and that's their triumphant "gotcha" moment.

It also demonstrates that they are fully aware of what might constitute abusive behaviour so know full well what they are doing.

Disclaimer: I actually do get my arsehole waxed when I get the inclination to do an all-off wax. It's for me though as the hairs are ticklish and make me want to scratch my arse in meetings and not for any man.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 04/10/2018 14:14

As witty as some of the suggested texts are, don’t send them.

He’s potentially a lot more dangerous than you’re giving him credit for.

Personally, I’d just be ‘busy’ everytime he calls and let it fade away if possible. Only tell him you’re finishing with him if absolutely necessary.

Tell good friends/family who he is and what he’s really like and go to them if it gets heated.

Men like this can turn very nasty, very quickly. Stop thinking he’d never hurt you and start realising you don’t actually know what he’s capable of, because you don’t.

ilooovechristmas · 04/10/2018 14:15

RUN RUN RUN.....
I'd rather die that get my 'Ass whole' out for a wax! And my sisters a beautician so it wouldn't even be a stranger sound likes a freak to me.... me DH asks me now and again why I don't wear my hair down anymore I think that's about it.... and the reason for that is because it's to long so I need to get it cut of

ArsenicNLace · 04/10/2018 14:18

@LondonLassInTheCountry

Yes I did thank-you.

However I should reiterate what other posters have said about trying to end it. You need to stay resolute. I tried several times either via text or on the phone to end it which interestingly always made him show an interest in me again and try to win me back. He would never accept it and said that I could only end our relationship face to face 'out of respect'.

Well that one backfired badly (for him) . I had reached rock bottom and I just wanted it finished and over. I'd had an awful year and really the only negative thing left in my life was him. I decided almost on the spur of the moment (before I could bottle out) to jump in my car and go and end it (he lived about an hour away).

Well when I arrived there he was was his girlfriend of 15 years (who he claimed he'd finished with 2 years previously - to be honest by that time I had my suspicions.)! She stayed with him (despite the fact he was on dating sites) and 2 years later I received a message via FB asking me if I was still seeing him!!!! No and he was well and truly blocked on all forms of communication!

HelenMummyof2 · 04/10/2018 14:20

Sounds like a prat.

itbemay · 04/10/2018 14:31

I'd go with @Bluntness100 advice tbh!

headinhands · 04/10/2018 14:33

Yuck. My partner of 17 years has never said stuff like this.

thurmanmerman · 04/10/2018 14:33

LTB immediately

Adora10 · 04/10/2018 14:34

If he was so embarrassed why does he do feck all about it then; he's not embarrassed, he's just telling you what you want to hear.

eddielizzard · 04/10/2018 14:34

Tell him you'll only do it if he does it first (anal wax and bleach), let him do it, then dump him.

headinhands · 04/10/2018 14:37

An ex complained that my vulva wasn't as sexy as his the women in porn films. He also said I shouldn't run because I don't look my best when I run. On and on just chipping me down to nothing. Oh, and at the beginning he made me feel amazing.

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