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Original poster

Once a cheat...?

163 replies

BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 10:18

I’ve been with my DP 6 months. In general, I’m really happy and the relationship seems to be going well.

But I’m worried about his past. He was married previously, but had an affair for the last 2 years of that relationship. He left, not to be with OW (let’s call her Amy) although they continued to see each other for another few years. It appears this may have been on a rather casual basis - her family are Muslim and it was frowned upon for her to have a relationship outside of marriage, so their relationship was never out in the open. He had other (mostly casual) partners in the time he was seeing Amy. They split up at the end of last year, and we got together a few months later.

I’m worried that if that’s his pattern within relationships, that the same is going to happen again. He lied to his wife for 2 years. I don’t know if Amy knew that he was seeing other people whilst he was seeing her, but it seems he may well be very good at lying.

Do I trust that people can change, and that as things have been going well so far, maybe things will be different with me? Or do I trust my gut instinct to be slightly wary of his past and that it might be repeated?

Do you believe “once a cheat, always a cheat”? Or can people change?

OP posts:
KathDayKnight50 · 03/10/2018 10:20

Well, I don't like the sound of this. You will always have these fears and worries, I reckon. You should be enjoying the honeymoon period right now and you are fretting like this because of his past. This is the effect liars and cheats have on our peace of mind.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 03/10/2018 10:21

If he couldn’t respect his vows he made it doesn’t bode well for the future.My ex was a cheat always cheated on gfs but total me if was different because we had a child he cheated and I have heard he cheated on his dw. He had a prolonged affair for 2years says it all really op you will never settle.

StillAgony · 03/10/2018 10:25

I've just ended a relationship because he was trying to renew contact with the woman he had an affair with when he was married.
We were in a LDR and he said he was bored. The trust went and I had no respect for him
A friend of mine married a serial cheat. He says he only cheated before because he hadn't met the right woman.....they've been together 10yrs and seem good together,
Not sure there's a definitive answer but I do think when someone's crossed the line once then it's easier a second time

FinallyFree123456789 · 03/10/2018 10:26

Once a cheat always a cheat.

I met my ex (dd's dad) he was cheating on his then girlfriend with me - I did not know.
When I found out I ended it so did she etc .... we then got back together.
He cheated on me; 3 times - then once again when I was pregnant. He stayed with the girl when I was pregnant then cheated on her with someone else.
He then ended up with the new girl and he's cheated on her 4 times (that we know of) and she keeps taking him back Confused

They never change. They just get better at hiding it - we'll everyone except my ex does anyway! Ha

KlutzyDraconequus · 03/10/2018 10:29

Yup once a cheat, always a cheat.

It just points to a general attitude imo.
One of their wants and needs trumping everyone else's. Selfishness and lying comes easy to some and it's not something they'll give up ever.

Rigamorph · 03/10/2018 10:31

Hmm....tricky.
1)There seem to be the type of person who thinks it's ok to cheat and will justify it to themselves any way they see fit.
2)Then there are people who are horrified at the thought, but may end up having a crisis, or a drunken 'incident'.
I think the first type are likely to keep cheating. The second type may have a single slip up and learn from it.
Which type is he???

ScattyPenny · 03/10/2018 10:32

I don't think 'once a cheat, always a cheat' is true.

Would you really end a relationship for things he has done in the past? He may have learned from his past and that might actually make him less likely than anyone else to do the same thing again.

No one knows the ins and outs of his past relationships. The relationship with his wife could have been terrible, she could have been cheating. Who knows?? Did they have kids?

It sounds like things with 'Amy' were quite casual.

I don't know, people make mistakes and move on/change. He has probably grown up a lot.

Have you spoken to him about your worries?

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/10/2018 10:32

It depends on the reasons for cheating, I suppose. I don’t think that “once a cheat always a cheat” is necessarily true, and anecdotally there are always plenty of people on threads like this who post to say they cheated once and never have again. But the way the cheating played out is probably a good indicator of somebody’s character: two years is a long time to calculatedly and actively lie to your spouse and is quite different to if he’d had a short-term fling which he ended out of guilt or a one night stand purely based on sexual attraction. So yes, I’d worry about that.

On the other hand, you could meet somebody else who has never cheated before and they could then cheat - first time for everything and all.

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 10:35

A drunken incident is (IMO) quite different from a 2 year affair. Neither are acceptable (again, IMO) but the deception that goes along with a 2 year affair really concerns me.

As far as I know, his ExW never knew about the affair. So he must have been pretty good at hiding it.

He works away sometimes, so to whoever suggested that I will always worry about it might be right.

He says he has had a lot of counselling since his ExW and knows himself a lot better now, but that doesn’t stop someone from falling into old patterns in times of stress

OP posts:
Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 10:38

scatty

Would you really end a relationship for things he has done in the past?

I don’t know. As far as I know, he hasn’t cheated on me, and he knows that if he did then we would be over. But if he managed to keep an affair secret for 2 years, would I ever know even if he did cheat on me? I guess it’s whether I can live with my own anxiety about it - especially when he is working away.

The relationship with his wife wasn’t good, and no they didn’t have kids. But he could have chosen to end it instead of have an affair. I know it’s easy to say that outside of the situation, though.

OP posts:
Hogtini · 03/10/2018 10:41

2 years isn't a one off silly mistake. Think of it as 730 days...that's thought out, planned, chronic lying. I agree that people can change and everyone deserves a second chance but I'm not sure I could in this case.

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 10:51

2 years isn't a one off silly mistake. Think of it as 730 days...that's thought out, planned, chronic lying

Ugh. That thought makes me feel sick.

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 03/10/2018 10:54

When I married my ex I knew that he had got together with me while still with his ex (its quite complicated in that we knew each other before he met the ex). I believed the "I felt trapped, I never really loved her" speeches. He cheated on me when I was heavily pregnant with our second child (a drunken "mistake"), then again 10 years later with a proper affair. I left him 9 months ago when this happened.
I believe he loved me during our marriage but I just don't think he will ever be faithful to anyone. He never leaves a relationship unless there is someone else waiting so that always means an affair.

It's difficult when he hasn't done it to you but I do think his previous behaviour would set alarm bells ringing for me. It's obviously something his conscience is capable of.

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 11:00

He never leaves a relationship unless there is someone else waiting so that always means an affair

This really resonates with me. In my past, I’ve done this a lot. I went from relationship to relationship (with very little gaps) from the ages of 16 to my marriage ending at age 38. I was single for the first time in my adult life after my marriage ended. I spent a lot of time working on myself, and who I am as a person/individual, instead of someone in a relationship. I would previously have jumped straight back into another relationship, or have one lined up to move onto. This is the first time I haven’t done that, and was single for about a year before meeting this guy.

As far as I can tell, he went from his marriage to this “relationship” with Amy, which went on for years. There was a gap of maybe 5 months between Amy and me, which I guess isn’t that long seeing as they had been seeing each other such a long time.

He doesn’t like talking about Amy. He says he doesn’t want me to think badly of him.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 03/10/2018 11:03

I wouldn’t be able to trust someone like this.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 03/10/2018 11:10

Cheating on his ex wife for two years is inexcusable when he didn't have any worries about seeing his kids less if he left (not that it's excusable anyway but you know what I mean). The true nature of his relationship with Amy also sounds a bit glossed over - he clearly had enough casual partners during that time to not need Amy as a FWB which points to him being in a proper relationship therefore unfaithful to her as well. No wonder he doesn't like talking about it.

Not only does he have previous form but with working away he also has ample opportunity. I predict your mental health will take a battering if you stay with him.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 03/10/2018 11:17

He’s going to paint his ex wife badly isn’t he, he’s going to paint any badly yet he fails to be accountable for his own actions. This isn’t just red flags but red buntin. He will cheat on you bow out now and avoid the heartache.

Mummacake · 03/10/2018 11:20

I think you should get tested for STIs and ask him to do the same if you are having unprotected sex. He doesn't seem to have respect for his partners or women in general. Sorry.

TattyCat · 03/10/2018 11:21

Unfortunately yes, I think if cheating has gone on for a long time and within a marriage, the behaviour is likely to continue with new relationships, at some point.

The poster above who said that his conscience is capable of it, because he's demonstrated that, is right.

I do believe that people can have "one-off" mistakes, if it's a ONS or a very brief affair before ending it and I believe that they can be forgiven and the primary relationship can move on in a positive way. But otherwise, I'd not be getting heavily involved when it's early days. I got burnt because I trusted.

piethagoras · 03/10/2018 11:22

I had an affair whilst married to my first wife, for about a year, 30 years ago. I left and we divorced. I've never done it since, nor would I.

TattyCat · 03/10/2018 11:22

Oh, and mine worked away Mon-Fri too. For four years.

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 11:24

he’s going to paint any badly yet he fails to be accountable for his own actions

There are a couple of work related examples of this too. Other people getting painted as the bad guy, and him being the innocent. I’m thinking he may not be the good guy he paints himself out to be

OP posts:
ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 03/10/2018 11:29

How did you meet your DP out of interest? And what reason did he give for the two year affair?

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 11:32

How did you meet your DP out of interest? And what reason did he give for the two year affair?

We met online. I’m not sure he gave a reason. He said that he and his ex had had problems in their relationship for a long time. He had counselling to help him figure out a way to end it. He had known Amy for years, and they got closer than they should have.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 11:35

piethagoras

I had an affair whilst married to my first wife, for about a year, 30 years ago. I left and we divorced. I've never done it since, nor would I

Can I ask why you had the affair? Are you still with the OW? Did your wife find out?

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