Once a cheat...?

[BeyondFear2020]

I’ve been with my DP 6 months. In general, I’m really happy and the relationship seems to be going well.

But I’m worried about his past. He was married previously, but had an affair for the last 2 years of that relationship. He left, not to be with OW (let’s call her Amy) although they continued to see each other for another few years. It appears this may have been on a rather casual basis - her family are Muslim and it was frowned upon for her to have a relationship outside of marriage, so their relationship was never out in the open. He had other (mostly casual) partners in the time he was seeing Amy. They split up at the end of last year, and we got together a few months later.

I’m worried that if that’s his pattern within relationships, that the same is going to happen again. He lied to his wife for 2 years. I don’t know if Amy knew that he was seeing other people whilst he was seeing her, but it seems he may well be very good at lying.

Do I trust that people can change, and that as things have been going well so far, maybe things will be different with me? Or do I trust my gut instinct to be slightly wary of his past and that it might be repeated?

Do you believe “once a cheat, always a cheat”? Or can people change?

When you are together, you know he can't be with anyone else. But is that the only time your mind is at rest in this relationship? That's not really good enough, I think. You deserve better than that.

When you are together, you know he can't be with anyone else

True.

I’m seeing him this weekend so am pondering my options ahead of that

I find it really hard to believe that everything that he is saying might just be lies.

Why would he bother?

My life isn’t all fun and games. I’ve got a child with SEN, who he is also involved with. He’s helping me set up my own business. He’s helping out with domestic stuff. Would he really bother with all of that if he just wanted something casual and didn’t really give a fuck about me?

I should know better, because I have an EA ex and sometimes found it difficult to believe that the charming man in front of me was capable of being a compulsive liar.

And yet here I am being completely swept away by the words of another guy with a history of cheating and deception....

Well you've only been with him for 6 months, so it's all new, fresh and exciting for both of you. Too soon for him to be getting up to his old tricks I would have thought.

You say you have a SN child. How long before this cheater decides he really can't be doing with all that, and it won't just be you who will be heartbroken when le leaves (or you chuck him out) will it?

I do want to believe that he could be different. But yes, I need to put the kids first and I can see maybe I haven’t done that enough

Problem is, you can never really know if someone has changed. Even if they have, all it takes is one seed of doubt, at any point in the future, and the mind can start playing tricks on you. I'd be very cautious.

No, you can’t ever know if someone has changed. Is what we have together worth taking that risk for?

I cheated on my exH. I have never cheated on DP and I would never want to.

I cheated because he was abusive to me. Physically and mentally. I cheated then left.

I cheated on my XH just before I left him. It nearly destroyed me and I vowed I'd never cheat again. Wind the clock on 11 years and I'm now cheating on my DP. Some people never learn!

WasFat why are you cheating now? Do you think it’s more circumstances, or the person you are? (Not meant in a judgmental way, hope that’s not how is comes across)

I think it's a little bit of both. An ex from many moons ago walked back into my life, I said no to him many times but I finally gave in. It tears me apart inside, but I'm still doing it.

Some people are too weak to resist the temptation to and allure of cheating.

The ego boost fills them with confidence and they crave approval and validation from other men/women.

Thinking about it, I suspect much of it comes back to childhood stuff and how he was treated as a child (his mum was pretty neglectful). I guess that stuff is pretty deeply ingrained, and therefore is going to be exceptionally difficult if not impossible to change. Unless he really, really wants to.

It's still a huge risk though. And I don't know if he's that invested in the relationship to want to work really hard to make those changes. I'd like to think he is, but I might just be deluding myself. Maybe that's the deciding factor - if he can work on the stuff that's made him unfaithful before, we might have a chance. If not, and he's not willing to really prove himself, then it's not worth the risk (for me)