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Original poster

Once a cheat...?

163 replies

BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 10:18

I’ve been with my DP 6 months. In general, I’m really happy and the relationship seems to be going well.

But I’m worried about his past. He was married previously, but had an affair for the last 2 years of that relationship. He left, not to be with OW (let’s call her Amy) although they continued to see each other for another few years. It appears this may have been on a rather casual basis - her family are Muslim and it was frowned upon for her to have a relationship outside of marriage, so their relationship was never out in the open. He had other (mostly casual) partners in the time he was seeing Amy. They split up at the end of last year, and we got together a few months later.

I’m worried that if that’s his pattern within relationships, that the same is going to happen again. He lied to his wife for 2 years. I don’t know if Amy knew that he was seeing other people whilst he was seeing her, but it seems he may well be very good at lying.

Do I trust that people can change, and that as things have been going well so far, maybe things will be different with me? Or do I trust my gut instinct to be slightly wary of his past and that it might be repeated?

Do you believe “once a cheat, always a cheat”? Or can people change?

OP posts:
Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 04/10/2018 09:50

He does appear to have a reasonable amount of self awareness. And maybe that makes it even more important for me to really listen to what he is telling me. Because it’s true that he is painting me a picture of the person he is (was). And I’m in denial about it.

He has really poor boundaries, that’s for sure, and has been demonstrated whilst we have been together.

OP posts:
KathDayKnight50 · 04/10/2018 09:52

I think he really did go to counselling. We drove past it the other day and he told me that’s where it was

Have you any more proof he went than that, though?

KathDayKnight50 · 04/10/2018 09:54

I wish this stuff had come out sooner than 6 months in when both of us (I had assumed) are pretty invested in the relationship

There's a reason this stuff didn't come out sooner. He made it happen that way just so you WOULD be too invested by this point. Do you see what I mean? He could have told you all this on the first date if he had felt so inclined.

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 04/10/2018 09:54

Have you any more proof he went than that, though?

No. He has told me about stuff they talked about etc. But no proof.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 04/10/2018 09:56

There's a reason this stuff didn't come out sooner. He made it happen that way just so you WOULD be too invested by this point. Do you see what I mean? He could have told you all this on the first date if he had felt so inclined.

Yep, I completely understand that. He pushed to meet my kids etc. I guess that’s why. Get me invested so it’s harder to end it

OP posts:
KathDayKnight50 · 04/10/2018 09:59

What you need to ask yourself is -

"Is all this aggravation really worth it?"

There will be other guys. Guys who won't keep you unbalanced like this. Life is hard enough without making it harder IMO.

You say he "pushed" to meet your kids. Yes, that's what these types do. They know they have to get you invested ASAP before you find out stuff about them or the mask slips. The best way to do that is to rush you along the dating milestones as fast as possible (their timetable, not yours) so that you are in the position you are now. Finding out lots of shitty things, feeling uneasy, but feeling you might as well keep going to protect your "investment".

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 04/10/2018 10:01

The best way to do that is to rush you along the dating milestones as fast as possible (their timetable, not yours) so that you are in the position you are now

That’s exactly what happened. We went from a couple of dates to like a married couple within about 3 months.

OP posts:
KathDayKnight50 · 04/10/2018 10:05

I've been there and it's always ended badly - costing me emotionally and financially in my case.

I see red flags all over this relationship.

I read a great piece of advice years ago "Guard Your Heart". It's precious. Don't give it away to easily to someone who hasn't proven themselves.

If you decide to end this, do some work on yourself before you get into another relationship. Stuff like the Freedom Programme. Work on strong boundaries before you date again.

When you have those boundaries in place, you will see red flags from the off and you can stop the relationship in its tracks there and then. The next time someone gets to meet your family, it will be because you've been together for ages and totally trust him and the relationship is becoming a committed one (if that's what you are looking for).

Also, post on her in the early days of a relationship. Take advice from the wise Mumsnetters who will help you navigate odd things a date may say or do.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 04/10/2018 10:09

"I don’t know if asking him the things I want to know will help or not."

Asking him questions is pointless because you have already have enough info to make an informed decision. Confirmation bias is at play here - if you want to believe him then whatever he tells you will be good enough for now; likewise if you didn't want to believe him there are already more than enough red flags to end things.

I agree with PPs - his "honesty" is to enable him to hide in plain sight. He is only giving you enough information so that you think he's owning his past but in reality he is still evasive about various things including the nature of his relationship with Amy. You don't know what you don't know, if that makes sense.

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 04/10/2018 10:09

Rather embarrassingly, I’ve done the (online) Freedom programme. My ExH was an emotionally abusive narcissist. I eventually managed to get myself out, but he continues to abuse me through the kids.

I thought this relationship was different. But actually, it’s just a repeat of the same charming facade that my ex had that masked a very different person in the inside. I still have problems sometimes believing that my ex was abusive when he gives me the charm offensive and makes me doubt myself and believe it’s me who is in the wrong.

OP posts:
KathDayKnight50 · 04/10/2018 10:18

Well, having had an ex who was a narcissist will really have done a number on your confidence. Because you are still in touch with your ex for the kids, he is probably still chipping away at your self-esteem.

Perhaps you could start another thread about handling our ex's nonsense and messing you about through the kids because I think sorting out your home-life would help a lot in a fresh start for you. Better for the kids too.

Don't be embarrassed. A lot of work can be needed to change your thought patterns. Some of us weren't brought up to have confidence. Some of us were brought up in dysfunctional homes with narcissism and a lot of mind games (I know I was!).

KathDayKnight50 · 04/10/2018 10:20

I can really recommend this site:

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

Loads of free information.

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 04/10/2018 10:20

Yep, my mum is an emotionally and physically abusive narc too so it’s been easy to fall into the same patterns. I thought I’d done better with this guy. But maybe I haven’t.

OP posts:
KathDayKnight50 · 04/10/2018 10:26

When you know better, you can do better as they say.

It's takes a lot to undo this sort of childhood damage. I am sorry to hear you have suffered like that as a child.

Have you been on the Stately Homes thread here? You may be able to process some of your childhood there and learn why you are susceptible to abusive men.

Have you had therapy? I know it's not always easy to access and can be very expensive.

huttub · 04/10/2018 10:30

I don't necessarily think so. I can't comment on your own situation but here's mine:

Never faithful to any boyfriend...when I say that I used to meet someone else and move on and end it but that could sometimes overlap. I met my first husband when I was dating someone else and told boyfriend I wanted to end it as I'd met first husband. Marriage was ok for a couple of years and then I strayed, I had an on off affair for several years with the same man and also a couple of flings. Eventually ended marriage and was on my own for a while. Met current husband, been together 19 years and I can honestly say he's "the one". I've never had my head turned or gone looking for anyone else.

But if you looked at the first part of my life you'd have perhaps said I would never be able to be faithful.

TattyCat · 04/10/2018 11:31

Who knows why he's contacted her again? Except... there's one thing I've learned by the age of 50 and it's that a man will never bother contacting someone he's no longer interested in.

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 04/10/2018 11:31

Thanks Kath. I’ve lurked on the Stately Home’s thread but not posted. I’ve gone pretty much NC with my mum recently. It’s so much better for my mental health than have to deal with her passive aggressive shit. She and my ExH are quite friendly still. It was as though he picked up the abuse where she left off. Quite a nasty situation and I try to have minimal contact with them both.

I have had counselling in the past, on quite a few occasions. Annoyingly I really thought I was making progress in this relationship, but I can see I’ve fallen into some of the same old patterns, and working on boundaries is something I need to really focus on, as I’m still really bad at it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 04/10/2018 11:33

huttub really interesting to hear your perspective, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 04/10/2018 11:34

a man will never bother contacting someone he's no longer interested in

Even as a friend?

OP posts:
KathDayKnight50 · 04/10/2018 11:38

She and my ExH are quite friendly still. It was as though he picked up the abuse where she left off. Quite a nasty situation and I try to have minimal contact with them both

My narc mother, who never liked me being with my first husband, became his FRIEND after I left him for physical abuse! I don't think I will ever understand these types. Makes it hard to set up boundaries, but it can be done.

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 04/10/2018 12:10

Kath Flowers I’m sorry your mum did that. I don’t understand them either, the only positive for me is an awareness that I never want to be like her!

OP posts:
meowimacat · 04/10/2018 13:14

He has mentioned Amy again recently because he’s due to be working in the city where she lives, and he contacted her to tell her that.

There is absolutely no reason for this, no reason at all. You have asked another commenter about him contacting her Even as a friend? - The truth is, they were NEVER friends. This has been a sexual relationship for a very long time.

The last guy I was dating was similar to your guy. He would openly talk about other women, that now looking back I'm pretty sure he was also sleeping with whilst being 'exclusive' with me. One in particular who was 'just a friend.'

I guess you need to ask yourself how you're going to feel when he goes on this work trip and hooks up with Amy. Because no matter how much he convinces you, or reassures you, that is what is going to happen. If it doesn't happen this time, it'll happen another time. He is the type of guy who clearly likes to have a few options, and it seems like Amy is always going to be the one he couldn't have fully. Maybe he doesn't even want her fully, but he obviously thinks of her enough to contact her.

If I was happy in a new relationship, there is no way I'd be meeting up with past hookups/fwb's to 'meet up' because I'm in the area - unless in all honesty I was looking to do the dirty, like he plans to.

I know it's hard because you've invested - let him meet your kids etc. But he's done that on purpose so you won't leave. You're only 6 months in, that's not that long. Don't find yourself 6 years in and realising he's been sleeping with Amy as and when he feels like it.

SandyY2K · 04/10/2018 13:22

He has really poor boundaries, that’s for sure, and has been demonstrated whilst we have been together

So he hasn't changed really has he.

He's a high cheat risk. Fine if you're a gambler and can recover from the spend .... or if he's a passing casual relationship...doesn't sound like he is.

a man will never bother contacting someone he's no longer interested in

I agree. Especially one he was sleeping with for 2 years as an affair.

He told you so he could present as being honest. So if you find out he was with her ..he'll say he told you he'd look her up.

Even if it's not his initial motive to have sex with her ..do you honestly think he'd turn her down if she initiated?

If he cheated on his wife of several years...he'll easily cheat on you.

Chocolou · 04/10/2018 13:41

beyond I've literally just done something stupid with a guy I barely knew. We had amazing sex and both thought we would like to do it again. We're both in relationships. I'm not condoning my or his behaviour at all neither is this a boast.

Luckily long shot is he feels incredibly guilty as his wife is being very kind to him and says he can't do it again. Initially I was upset he couldn't go through with it but now realise what I've done is so wrong to my family but also made me realise why I didn't and highlighted the problem in my own relationship. I'm now looking at trying to improve my relationship or if not move on.

I've just read on an old post one poster has said of similar circumstances image telling your child when you're over you ruined their life because you wanted a shag. That stung but made me realise how foolish I'd been.

Fontofnoknowledge · 04/10/2018 14:38

As with all things generalisations are rarely helpful. Especially when they relate to human emotions.

I am a OW married for over 15 yrs to my affair partner. He was an OM.
We were both in unhappy marriages, hence the affair. It wasn't the right way to deal with the issues and given a second chance I would not choose to cause my ex unnecessary upset. However, I can say that we are very happy and whilst I cannot say for sure , on behalf of my husband but 99% sure he has never cheated again and I can say 100% for me.

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