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Original poster

Once a cheat...?

163 replies

BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 10:18

I’ve been with my DP 6 months. In general, I’m really happy and the relationship seems to be going well.

But I’m worried about his past. He was married previously, but had an affair for the last 2 years of that relationship. He left, not to be with OW (let’s call her Amy) although they continued to see each other for another few years. It appears this may have been on a rather casual basis - her family are Muslim and it was frowned upon for her to have a relationship outside of marriage, so their relationship was never out in the open. He had other (mostly casual) partners in the time he was seeing Amy. They split up at the end of last year, and we got together a few months later.

I’m worried that if that’s his pattern within relationships, that the same is going to happen again. He lied to his wife for 2 years. I don’t know if Amy knew that he was seeing other people whilst he was seeing her, but it seems he may well be very good at lying.

Do I trust that people can change, and that as things have been going well so far, maybe things will be different with me? Or do I trust my gut instinct to be slightly wary of his past and that it might be repeated?

Do you believe “once a cheat, always a cheat”? Or can people change?

OP posts:
Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 19:49

safetyfreak I think we cross posted.

OP posts:
safetyfreak · 03/10/2018 19:50

Oh and he has also been in contact with this OW recently?

Oh girl come on...lol.

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 20:06

Oh girl come on...lol

I know.

I just don’t want to believe it.

OP posts:
leonaza · 03/10/2018 20:16

Unfortunately the only reason he has to get in touch with this girl when he's going to be in her area is to see her, and the only reason to see her is to see if he can rekindle things, if they haven'f already. They aren't going to watch the footie together! He may have actually convinced himself he is just getting in touch with someone he used to care about, but that's only so when they tumble in to bed drunk he can then convince himself it was never planned!

I hate to say the more details you give the more it sounds like he is probably still holding quite the candle for this girl and may regard her as the one that got away, especially as he says it was her religion and family that got in the way rather than anything else. He may really want to give things a go with you on one level but yet bd hankering after this idealized person he never quite had.

The good thing about this all OP, hard as it is I know, is that you have realized all this yourself and taken action so you've obviously learned from your past experiences . It sounds like the scales have fallen from your eyes now when it comes to shady male behaviour - and you are not being untrusting, you've just seen these red flags before - so that bodes well for finding happier relationships with guys you can trust in future!

ThanksThanks

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 20:45

He may have actually convinced himself he is just getting in touch with someone he used to care about, but that's only so when they tumble in to bed drunk he can then convince himself it was never planned!

Sadly, I suspect this is spot on.

OP posts:
Doghorsechicken · 03/10/2018 20:47

Once a cheat always a cheat. I’ll always stand by that now, I’ve been burned before. Please learn from my mistakes!

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 03/10/2018 20:55

From the sound of it, he's been broken up with Amy for less than a year and moved onto you after a very short time?

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 21:06

From the sound of it, he's been broken up with Amy for less than a year and moved onto you after a very short time?

Yes, about 4 months I think

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 03/10/2018 21:25

So it's not even as though she's an old flame from years ago that he might see as a friend now - he's definitely hoping to rekindle things. I'd throw this one back.

SandyY2K · 03/10/2018 21:37

I don't get the impression he's the monogamous type.

He's hooking up with Amy... and there's no reason for it.

seanna · 03/10/2018 21:42

I don't think once a cheat always a cheat... However some.people think that "overlapping" is okish as long as it's only a few months

Khaleesi78 · 03/10/2018 22:29

There's absolutely no way I'd stay with him! I'd be giving him the boot now to save myself inevitable heartache!

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 23:01

He's hooking up with Amy... and there's no reason for it

So why tell me?

OP posts:
Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 23:10

I appear to be a sucker for trying to see the good in people. For trying to convince myself that what he did in the past was the past. For trying to rationalise things to be better than they really are.

But I don’t think I can here

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 04/10/2018 08:21

So why tell me?

If I contacted an Ex to let them know I'm coming to their city...it would be because I still liked them and was hoping to meet up with them....with the knowledge it may get physical.

Not necessarily to sleep with them .... but that would be an option.

If I genuinely just wanted a catch up... I'd do it over the phone.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 04/10/2018 08:46

'So why tell me?'

Because he is seeing how much he can get away with playing around whilst being 'honest' Hmm with you. He is hoping you are desperate enough to believe his very obvious bullshit.

You answered your own question earlier, 'I just don’t want to believe it.'

Well, I would believe it, he has happily screwed around on his wife and countless other women, do you honestly think you are somehow different to them?
It is desperately sad to see a grown women trying to make a sexually faithless man appear to be the exact opposite of who he has proven to be.

Good luck, op, you are going to need it with him.

CandleIit · 04/10/2018 08:52

Telling you about Amy could be him hiding in plain sight.

KathDayKnight50 · 04/10/2018 09:03

The clincher is here I don't think you'll ever have peace of mind in this relationship. That is what is important here - you!

KathDayKnight50 · 04/10/2018 09:05

Telling you about Amy could be him hiding in plain sight

Totally. Imagining the conversation when he gets caught out with another indiscretion later "but I told you what I was like before" making it OP's fault.

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 04/10/2018 09:08

I wish this stuff had come out sooner than 6 months in when both of us (I had assumed) are pretty invested in the relationship. He has met my kids, my parents, I’ve met a bunch of his friends. We have loads of future plans. I know it’s a false economy to stick with something just because I have invested time and effort in it. I’d like to believe the words and dreams of what we could be. But that’s somewhat conflicting to his past behaviour. I don’t know whether to try and discuss it with him and see what he says before I just give it all up.

OP posts:
kateelliot123 · 04/10/2018 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheDarkPassenger · 04/10/2018 09:32

Well I was here to tell you my story and why I had an affair (my fiancé did too) and now we’ve both been with our partners much longer than we were together and he’s married.. I know I’ve never even considered cheating on my partner and they seem happy enough, I’m good friends with them both. So I don’t believe once a cheat always a cheat.

And then I read that he has messaged her... not looking good OP, sorry Sad

SnipSnipMisterBurgess · 04/10/2018 09:43

The ‘will he, won’t he’ questions will torment you. But really it’s his attitude that is the permanent feature here. Sounds like he is always on the lookout for something better, which is a shitty attitude as it wrongly leaves you feeling insecure.

(I’d be doubtful he actually went to counselling, because it sounds like something to say to make his past look better. But I’m generally very suspicious in circumstances like this.)

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 04/10/2018 09:47

I’ve just written a list of things I’m worried about. It spans onto 2 pages :(

I don’t know if asking him the things I want to know will help or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 04/10/2018 09:48

I think he really did go to counselling. We drove past it the other day and he told me that’s where it was.

OP posts: