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Original poster

Once a cheat...?

163 replies

BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 10:18

I’ve been with my DP 6 months. In general, I’m really happy and the relationship seems to be going well.

But I’m worried about his past. He was married previously, but had an affair for the last 2 years of that relationship. He left, not to be with OW (let’s call her Amy) although they continued to see each other for another few years. It appears this may have been on a rather casual basis - her family are Muslim and it was frowned upon for her to have a relationship outside of marriage, so their relationship was never out in the open. He had other (mostly casual) partners in the time he was seeing Amy. They split up at the end of last year, and we got together a few months later.

I’m worried that if that’s his pattern within relationships, that the same is going to happen again. He lied to his wife for 2 years. I don’t know if Amy knew that he was seeing other people whilst he was seeing her, but it seems he may well be very good at lying.

Do I trust that people can change, and that as things have been going well so far, maybe things will be different with me? Or do I trust my gut instinct to be slightly wary of his past and that it might be repeated?

Do you believe “once a cheat, always a cheat”? Or can people change?

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2018 · 03/10/2018 11:36

You met online it suggests to me with his record he would have likely be talking to several women at a time.

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 11:38

You met online it suggests to me with his record he would have likely be talking to several women at a time

Yes, he was. But then so was I.

OP posts:
DiscontinuedModelHusband · 03/10/2018 11:38

I don't think it necessarily goes that once a cheater, always a cheater.

as people have said - the drivers for the affair will probably tell you more than the act of an affair itself.

if it's the result of an unhappy relationship, i guess it's less likely to reoccur than if it's ego/self-esteem related.

i had an emotional affair (with some kissing), due to an unhappy relationship (at that point), but would never do it again.

a friend is regularly unfaithful, but for them it's because they have chronically low self-esteem, and it unfortunately provides short (if ultimately self-defeating) boosts. it seems it is quite hard to break that cycle though.

as others have said, 2 years is an awfully long time. i'd imagine you would get pretty desensitised to the "wrongness" of an affair of that length. not to mention the significant planning/deceit.

it would also suggest someone that can't talk about, or deal with an uncomfortable situation properly. that would concern me as well.

Proofer · 03/10/2018 11:42

I don't normally think 'once a cheater always a cheater' but to be honest that is based on one offs, flukes. For example if someone drunkenly kissed someone else and then regretted it and came clean, I don't necessarily believe that they are 'fated' to cheat again.

However, the cheating in this situation is much more calculated than that, and I wouldn't trust him if I were you.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 03/10/2018 11:48

There’s nothing t say he’s still talking to those other women whilst in a relationship with you

MargoLovebutter · 03/10/2018 11:57

I don't think it is a question of once a cheat, always a cheat.

I think you need to ask the question about whether it is once a not very nice person, who treats someone they are supposed to love more than anyone else incredibly badly, always a not very nice person who treats those they love incredibly badly?

He lied to his wife for 2 years - that statement is enough to send me running for the hills!

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 11:58

it would also suggest someone that can't talk about, or deal with an uncomfortable situation properly. that would concern me as well

Yes I completely agree with this. He said that things with Amy mostly fizzled out and in the last few months the amount of contact just got less and less. Seems odd when you had been seeing someone for years. Is also reminiscent of my ex, who when he split with his ex before me said there was never a confirmed split, it was just assumes to have happened! Again, seemed odd when they had been together for years! He was awful at communication. Can’t say I’m great, but I do try.

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 03/10/2018 12:00

I think if they’ve done it once at some point be it a week, a year, or 10 years later they always do it again.

I reckon once they felt the excitement they just crave that again

ChinUpShouldersBack · 03/10/2018 12:02

Run a mile. You'll never be able to trust him so even if he never cheats again you won't have peace of mind.
Never fall for the idea that he wouldn't do it to you.
Consider it a lucky escape.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 03/10/2018 12:02

Honestly, this situation has red flags flying everywhere. I wouldn't go near him with a bargepole.

MargoLovebutter · 03/10/2018 12:03

Yes, don't consider their 'potential' to be different with you - accept 100% their reality. This man does not sound very nice.

PookieDo · 03/10/2018 12:06

It is not always true that once a cheat but very dependent on context. I cheated in a relationship but would never do it again and actually have never told anyone.

Long winded and somewhat dramatic event but I was in a violent toxic relationship years ago and one night after all going out with a few friends for a fun evening and back to our house, he completely lost his shit (secret drug use) and smashed the house up and chased everyone out with a knife.

I had no coat or shoes on and it was really cold and I was very scared of him. One of the guys in the group took me straight back to his house where we talked about whether to call police etc, I was very emotional and somehow for some reason we ended up having sex. I wanted to feel better. It didn’t make my problems go away though and i did get the courage to leave him

leonaza · 03/10/2018 12:09

I'd say how he talks about the affair, ie how much remorse he shows and how he seems to regard it, as being quite key. Also do you know if he had cheated before in previous relationships? Does he seem to think it is excusable behaviour in certain situations, or is he now horrified with himself?

I was with someone who had a history of cheating and he did ultimately cheat on me. Although I now feel I shouldn't have gone there in the first place, looking back there were times when we were together that he talked about cheating incidents in a way that did appall me - for example he had cheated a couple of months after his then wife had given birth to their first baby, and said he had actually FORGOTTEN about that till our conversation. After our relationship ended I thought that should have been the moment I knew he would be an eternal cheater. I don't think all men who cheat are - I think for some it can be a one off in a particular situation, but for others it is a persistent pattern, and I think telling one from the other is a lot about their attitude to what they did and how they see adultery in general.

So asking him questions about what happened will definitely help you, and you have every right to ask him anything you want if you are getting involved with him. Good luck whatever you decide to do and trust your instincts!

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 03/10/2018 12:16

@leonaza absolutely agree with you.

OP - ask away. and if you don't like any of the answers, you are valuable enough not to subject yourself to a lifetime of wondering (and also potential emotional hurt, if he did cheat).

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 12:34

The more I think about it, the worse it seems to get.

I don’t know if he cheated on his wife before Amy. But one thing I do remember him saying, when talking about his stag night, was that one of his good friends was there to “stop him doing anything he shouldn’t”. Which I took at the time to be in reference to other women. Which seems even more likely to be so now.

He has mentioned Amy again recently because he’s due to be working in the city where she lives, and he contacted her to tell her that.

I’m being a total mug aren’t I?

OP posts:
PookieDo · 03/10/2018 12:39

Yes I agree I think having a blasè attitude towards cheating is very worrying. It also sounds like he has crap boundaries - ie doesn’t bother him to keep in touch with the OW who he didn’t treat nicely either

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/10/2018 12:39

He has no reason to contact Amy. He just wants to rekindle things.

You can’t trust him. Sorry OP.

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 12:41

Agree that there is zero reason to contact Amy.

OP posts:
Notsohorriblehistory · 03/10/2018 12:42

My view is that someone is either aoabke if cheating or simply not capable.

So, following that logic. Someone who has cheated in the past has proven himself to be capable and therefore capable of doing again.

PookieDo · 03/10/2018 12:42

I am not called Amy but my ex recently contacted me in a similar way - hey not seen you for years, am around your way soon want to meet up? I questioned him directly whether his wife knew about it and he was very vague and then suddenly wasn’t coming any more! He cheated on me a lot and probably would cheat on his wife too

leonaza · 03/10/2018 12:45

Don't be hard on yourself OP, these things are difficult to decipher and some men can be quite elusive in the information they give out! But I do that comment about his stag night is quite telling.

I hate to say it really doesn't sound good that he's got in touch with Amy apparently with the intention of seeing her when he's away. You could tell him that you feel uncomfortable abut that, which you presumably do and have every right to given their history, and see how he reacts? If he gets angry/defensive/insists on seeing her then I'd cut and run for sure myself.

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 12:46

I’m completely unsure what to do.

On the one hand, I don’t feel I should judge someone for their past actions.

But on the other hand, him getting back in contact with an ex, possibly to meet up, with no reason to at all, whilst he is with me, doesn’t feel right at all.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 03/10/2018 12:46

Here is what would worry me.

He had no kids...but still lied for 2 years.

He kept it all hush hush with Amy...didn't want to marry her....but she was okay as sidepiece...or he possibly wouldn't be accepted as he's not Muslim...Will Amy always be who he wants.

He doesn't sound remorseful...and thinks because the relationship was bad...having a 2 year affair is okay.

He said that he and his ex had had problems in their relationship for a long time. He had counselling to help him figure out a way to end it

Was the counselling before the affair or during it?

Lots of excuses from him IMO.

I'd ask what he's learned from counselling about himself and what would stop him cheating in the future?

How long was he married for?
Has he taken responsibility for any of the problems in the marriage?

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 12:48

Will Amy always be who he wants?

Just walking at the moment so can’t reply to the whole of the post, but that is an excellent question.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 03/10/2018 12:50

It doesn’t feel right because he’s a known serial cheat and it’s likely he’ll do it again.

As women we’ve been so socialised to be nice and non-judgemental and forgiving, that even when you can obviously clearly see that he will cheat again, you doubt yourself, doubt your right to protect yourself from pain.