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Original poster

Once a cheat...?

163 replies

BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 10:18

I’ve been with my DP 6 months. In general, I’m really happy and the relationship seems to be going well.

But I’m worried about his past. He was married previously, but had an affair for the last 2 years of that relationship. He left, not to be with OW (let’s call her Amy) although they continued to see each other for another few years. It appears this may have been on a rather casual basis - her family are Muslim and it was frowned upon for her to have a relationship outside of marriage, so their relationship was never out in the open. He had other (mostly casual) partners in the time he was seeing Amy. They split up at the end of last year, and we got together a few months later.

I’m worried that if that’s his pattern within relationships, that the same is going to happen again. He lied to his wife for 2 years. I don’t know if Amy knew that he was seeing other people whilst he was seeing her, but it seems he may well be very good at lying.

Do I trust that people can change, and that as things have been going well so far, maybe things will be different with me? Or do I trust my gut instinct to be slightly wary of his past and that it might be repeated?

Do you believe “once a cheat, always a cheat”? Or can people change?

OP posts:
holrosea · 03/10/2018 12:51

Whether he has or will cheat on you specifically, OP, seems irrelevant, given your own anxiety about the situation.

FWIW, given the long-term history of orchestrated infidelity in his marriage and the casual on/off nature with Amy, I'd say that him re-contacting her is him testing that door to see how firmly it is closed (or even if it is closed at all? It "fizzled out" rather than ended).

For your own peace of mind, I'd end this. These fears and anxieties are not going to go away and you might be facing an untold number of weeks/months/years worrying about it every time he goes away. That sounds miserable and we all deserve better.

Notsohorriblehistory · 03/10/2018 12:51

, I don’t feel I should judge someone for their past actions.

Completely acceptable to do so when cheating involved. It disappears a personality characteristic that has the potential to cause you serious pain in future

SandyY2K · 03/10/2018 12:55

He has mentioned Amy again recently because he’s due to be working in the city where she lives, and he contacted her to tell her that.

That's not good. He obviously wants to meet up with his former OW.

I’m being a total mug aren’t I?

He doesn't sound like a keeper tbh.

What sort of age are you both?
Are you looking for a serious relationship? Kids? Do you want marriage? Would he marry again?

I'm trying to ascertain if this is worth it and has a future..or if you should cut loose depending on what you want out of it.

He seems the type who likes variety and isn't monogamous.

Djnoun · 03/10/2018 12:55

I'm a cheat and I can't say with any confidence that I wouldn't do it again.

That said, I am honest about this with my partners.

mistermagpie · 03/10/2018 12:56

I don't agree with 'once a cheat, always a cheat'. I cheated on my first husband, I ended our marriage within days of the cheating, we had been miserable together and the relationship was already dead in the water. Still doesn't excuse the cheating though and I'm not proud of it. It wasn't exciting, as some people claim, it was horrible.

I went on to marry the person I cheated with and we now have two children. He is the absolute love of my life, and I would never and will never cheat on him. Not in a million years.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 03/10/2018 12:59

Disclaimer - I was left for OW about 10 weeks ago.

for me, its not so much "once a cheat, always a cheat" (was with H 23 years and he had plenty of opportunities but didn't cheat until recently and I am 99.9 9% certain of this for various reasons) until now.

There were problems in the marriage but he chose to cross the moral boundary and cheat, leaving me and his DC and a 23 year relationship, and for me, once a person has done that once, they potentially can do it again. So it might be feeling low, stressed, unloved, not enough sex, handed on a plate or whatever, but I genuinely think once they cross that boundary once, there is always a chance they will do it again.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 03/10/2018 13:10

Let's not judge him on his past - let's judge him on his actions now.

He's contacted his ex affair partner/FWB /one that got away whilst in a relationship with you. At the very least it's a massive overstepping of boundaries and it's worrying that he think's it's acceptable behaviour despite all the counselling he's had more bullcrap

Run. Very fast.

wtf2015 · 03/10/2018 13:35

Think so.....

Soopermum1 · 03/10/2018 14:00

My DP cheated, left, and then had a long relationship with the OW. He was then single for 10 years (no shagging around at all.)

I think it depends on circumstances and how they felt/ feel about it. He still talks about it 15 years on, feeling guilty and quite horrified at the whole thing even though everything eventually settled and he's on good terms with his ex.

I trust him completely. I think it was a one off.

gendercritter · 03/10/2018 14:25

I would run a mile op. Why are you not valuing yourself more? You will never fully trust him and why would you settle for that set up. Cheating for two years is a big deal. I don't imagine his wife came out of that set up unscathed.

Find someone else who is decent

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 14:27

The thing that I’d most like to know is whether Amy knew about the other women he was seeing/shagging during the time they were seeing each other. Or, indeed, if they knew about her.

Because it’s just more evidence of lying and secrecy. He kept a relationship, or whatever he had with Amy, a secret from everyone for years, because nobody else could know. More lies and deceit.

That’s not the kind of guy I want to be with.

OP posts:
Notsohorriblehistory · 03/10/2018 14:45

I trust him completely. I think it was a one off.

But how? When he has showed a capacity for extensive and prolonged deception, lies and a total disregard for your feelings and marriage and an utter disrespect for you.

Genuine question

HereIgoagainxx · 03/10/2018 14:48

So, no one has ever cheated just once? No one ever.... Lol. How ridiculous.

ScattyPenny · 03/10/2018 14:50

It's difficult. I appreciate your dilemma.

However....

Firstly, I think anyone is capable of cheating in the right (or wrong) circumstances. No one is immune to falling for someone else no matter what they say. I know of (at least) three people who would have sworn they would never cheat who have. One who was in an abusive relationship, one out of boredom and one who had a drunken one night stand.

Secondly, I think that that fact that he has been honest with you is a good sign. He didn't have to disclose the information to you and you would have been blissfully ignorant if he hadn't.

I would be the same as you. But, I think it would be difficult to meet someone who hadn't done stupid things in their past. No one is perfect.

Some good advice on here though. Food for thought for you even if people are offering conflicting stories.

I suppose it's down to whether or not you can deal with it.

wafflyversatile · 03/10/2018 14:57

I don't think once a cheat always a cheat. Life is never that black and white. But while once a cheat always a cheat is too simplistic, it's possible that if things in your relationship go the way of his previous marriage then maybe he would again have an affair before splitting rather than just splitting. 'Exit affairs' are quite common as is setting up the next relationship before ending the current one.

The point here is you're 6 months in and don't trust him/have doubts. Is that likely to change? How long would he have to be faithful (with you being confident that he had been faithful) before you would relax and trust that he wouldn't be?

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 03/10/2018 15:00

"Secondly, I think that that fact that he has been honest with you is a good sign. He didn't have to disclose the information to you"

See I don't necessarily see this as a good thing - it can also be a preemptive disclaimer - "well you knew what I was like from the start" - a bit like people who declare that they're the type to call a spade a spade then use it to merrily trample all over others' feelings. This man's behaviour isn't in the past as evidenced by him recently initiating contact with Amy. Totally inappropriate behaviour.

ScattyPenny · 03/10/2018 15:07

Acats - you could be right there. I didn't think of that.

I suppose it's like a PP said, it's how he expresses himself when he talks about it. Is he ashamed, remorseful or is he matter of fact about it....

"I wasn't happy, so I cheated, end of story" kind of thing.

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 16:57

I am far from perfect myself. As we all are. But have I behaved in any way in this relationship that would make him doubt my commitment to him? No. Has he behaved in any way that would make me doubt his commitment to me? Yes, by getting back in contact with Amy, an ex he has a long history with.

So whilst I am glad he told me, it does make me anxious. I am an anxious person anyway, so it’s really not a good mix.

OP posts:
Ruddygreattiger2016 · 03/10/2018 17:18

This guy has a history of prolonged cheating and multiple casual sexual encounters that overlap.

He has now contacted an ex when due to be working away. (Would put money on him having hookups whenever working away, thats his m.o.)

It's blindingly obvious this guy is happiest scewing around, he is telling you very clearly but for some unfathomable reason you are trying to make him sound trustworthy. He has proved he is not a trustworthy man!!!

Get yourself tested for stds, op, he sounds hideous.

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 17:26

It's blindingly obvious this guy is happiest scewing around, he is telling you very clearly but for some unfathomable reason you are trying to make him sound trustworthy. He has proved he is not a trustworthy man!!

You are right that I need to pay attention to his actions and not just his words. I’m not aware that I’m trying to make him sound trustworthy - that’s why I’ve asked the question!

OP posts:
Ruddygreattiger2016 · 03/10/2018 17:36

Op, he told you he contacted an ex to meet when he is due to work away as if he's an honest kinda guy! Why on earth would a man want to meet an ex when he's away from home? To play scrabble? Even on his stag do his friend had to stop him doing something stupid!! On his fucking stag do!? This is who he his, a sexually incontinent player.

Look at what he does, not what he says. And he regularly 'does' other people.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 03/10/2018 17:40

I don’t feel I should judge someone for their past actions.

I disagree with this, quite strongly. How you treated previous partners will have a huge impact on the relationship you're able to have now. If he's shat all over women in his past, odds are high that he'll repeat those patterns.

OP you are entitled to judge and question his past. If he's embarrassed or ashamed of it, that's fine, he can be those things. You're still allowed to judge. It's your way of safeguarding your own feelings and, frankly, you're going to be hurt by this dickhead if you give him anything of yourself.

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 19:43

Ok, to reply to some earlier questions

Was the counselling before the affair or during it?

It’s a guess, but from what he’s said about timings, it was during.

I'd ask what he's learned from counselling about himself and what would stop him cheating in the future?

Yes, that is a really good suggestion.

How long was he married for?
Has he taken responsibility for any of the problems in the marriage?

He was married for 10+ years. I’m not sure the exact reasons for the marriage not working. I think the affair was a symptom rather than cause though.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 19:47

What sort of age are you both? Are you looking for a serious relationship? Kids? Do you want marriage? Would he marry again?

Early 40s. I have kids, and we have discussed having kids together (and would obviously need to get a move on if that were to happen). Potentially both of us would get married again, and both of us are looking for something long term.

The point here is you're 6 months in and don't trust him/have doubts. Is that likely to change? How long would he have to be faithful (with you being confident that he had been faithful) before you would relax and trust that he wouldn't be?

This has all come up recently, hence me worrying about it now. Before I knew the details, I didn’t have any worries about his fidelity/commitment to the relationship. Then I find out he had an affair for years and has got back in contact with his affair partner. That’s tmwhat has triggered this anxiety, it’s not that I’ve been worried for 6 months.

OP posts:
safetyfreak · 03/10/2018 19:48

Um no way. He also got with you not that long after it ended with his OW.

I am surprised why NOW you are asking this? after 6 months?

If this happened a long time ago, I would agree it was not an issue and judge him on his current behaviour BUT this is all recent behaviour and he has form for just jumping into relationships.

When you go through bad times (which you will, we all do) will he decide to look else where as thats his default?