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Original poster

Once a cheat...?

163 replies

BeyondFear2020 · 03/10/2018 10:18

I’ve been with my DP 6 months. In general, I’m really happy and the relationship seems to be going well.

But I’m worried about his past. He was married previously, but had an affair for the last 2 years of that relationship. He left, not to be with OW (let’s call her Amy) although they continued to see each other for another few years. It appears this may have been on a rather casual basis - her family are Muslim and it was frowned upon for her to have a relationship outside of marriage, so their relationship was never out in the open. He had other (mostly casual) partners in the time he was seeing Amy. They split up at the end of last year, and we got together a few months later.

I’m worried that if that’s his pattern within relationships, that the same is going to happen again. He lied to his wife for 2 years. I don’t know if Amy knew that he was seeing other people whilst he was seeing her, but it seems he may well be very good at lying.

Do I trust that people can change, and that as things have been going well so far, maybe things will be different with me? Or do I trust my gut instinct to be slightly wary of his past and that it might be repeated?

Do you believe “once a cheat, always a cheat”? Or can people change?

OP posts:
NorthernRunner · 04/10/2018 14:45

Just to add my two pence worth...

I have cheated on my now husband, it was about 12 years ago, whilst we were 18 and at uni. I made a terrible decision which I hated myself for. I was going through a horrendous time, struggling at university, boyfriend was far away at another uni, my father had died suddenly and truthfully I was very insecure and desperately lonely. An ex boyfriend happened to enroll at the same uni that I was at and I did something that I’ve been disgusted at myself for ever since.
However, my partner and I talked everything through, we both matured and I have taken steps to look after myself physically and mentally to ensure I’m never in that dark place again.
It took a while for my now husband to trust me, understandably, but he does and now we are both very different people. There isn’t a chance in hell I would do it again. It wasn’t as if I did it because I have an insatiable desire for sex, or because I was drunk or because I can’t help myself, I was depressed and grieving and my judgement was drastically impaired.
I think once a cheat always a cheat isn’t always correct. But it very much depends upon the circumstances.

NorthernRunner · 04/10/2018 14:52

😆 should say cents worth**

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 04/10/2018 16:46

Even if it's not his initial motive to have sex with her ..do you honestly think he'd turn her down if she initiated? If he cheated on his wife of several years...he'll easily cheat on you.

The thought of this makes me feel sick. Especially as I suspect it’s true.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 04/10/2018 16:48

I’m also disappointed with myself. When he told me he had contacted Amy, I told him I was ok with it. Whereas I wish I had asked him why, and asked him to justify his reasoning behind it. I feel an idiot now bringing it up again and saying actually no I’m not ok with it.

(However, at the time I wasn’t quick enough to check with myself how I actually felt before I fell into people pleasing mode and said “yes, of course that’s fine”. Lesson to self to think about a response before giving one)

OP posts:
TattyCat · 04/10/2018 17:03

(However, at the time I wasn’t quick enough to check with myself how I actually felt before I fell into people pleasing mode and said “yes, of course that’s fine”. Lesson to self to think about a response before giving one)

This is me. And I was trying so hard to be 'cool' that I gave him enough rope and he used it. We're still together, but things are different now and I do not accept being treated as anything but absolute best. If he can't keep that up then we will split, but I come first now, every time.

TattyCat · 04/10/2018 17:05

just to add - "for now" Grin

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 04/10/2018 17:09

TattyCat when you say things are different now, how do you mean?

OP posts:
lovetherisingsun · 04/10/2018 17:12

"when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time"

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 04/10/2018 17:15

I know that he had the original affair, which is bad enough. But then he went on to have the relationship (of sorts) with Amy, the OW, and again that was a secret too. And then during that time, he also saw other women, that either Amy didn’t know about - more lies - or she did, and he likes very casual encounters with people.

So I understand those who have posted to say they were the OW or had an affair and then have stayed with that other person or have never done it again. But it feels as though his life is one big web of lies.

And I know from my ex, who was a chronic liar, that eventually you begin to believe your own lies.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 04/10/2018 17:16

when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time

Yep. He’s shown me the man he was before. I guess I was hoping he might now be different. But it seems that’s just wishful thinking. Or maybe, if he really has changed, it’s a massive risk to take, and I don’t know if I can live with the unsettled feeling every time he works away (which he does fairly frequently)

OP posts:
TattyCat · 04/10/2018 17:57

Op, we've had to change a lot of the way we live in order to move forward, together. Most importantly, he no longer works away during the week but comes home every night. This does mean a massively ridiculous commute of sometimes 5 hours (generally once a week) but a normal daily commute of 3 hours in total. He's knackered, but he's willing and happy to do this. We became disconnected because he worked away for 4 years and built a separate life. It has meant compromise from both of us, but his is greater.

The point is, I trusted him implicitly and he let me down. Obviously the trust is now gone and I'm hoping that we can work together so I can reach a point where I trust him enough to satisfy me. It will never be 100% and I'm still working on whether that's enough but time will tell.

SandyY2K · 04/10/2018 18:04

I’m also disappointed with myself. When he told me he had contacted Amy, I told him I was ok with it. Whereas I wish I had asked him why, and asked him to justify his reasoning behind it. I feel an idiot now bringing it up again and saying actually no I’m not ok with it.

You can tell him you've had time to reflect and it's not okay with you. It doesnt sit well with you.

You need to be prepared to end it though if he decides he's going to see her anyway...because what's the point otherwise.

How do you think he'd react to you seeing an Ex out of town?

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 04/10/2018 19:39

Tatty wow that’s a big change. He must be really willing to make it work which is great. I hope you guys manage to work through it.

DP working away is a big part of his job. There’s no way around it.

Sandy

You can tell him you've had time to reflect and it's not okay with you. It doesnt sit well with you

Yes, I might well do that. If for no other reason than to see what his reaction is, and if he understands at all where I’m coming from. I guess my hesitance is whether not being ok with it is more likely to drive him back to her. But if that’s the case then it’s over anyway. Assuming I ever found out about it...

OP posts:
Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 04/10/2018 19:40

How do you think he'd react to you seeing an Ex out of town?

I don’t know. I suspect he would say that he trusted me and it wasn’t a problem. I have to see my ExH every week because of drop offs with the kids. So he has to deal with that ongoing relationship.

OP posts:
TattyCat · 04/10/2018 19:59

The problem is, he's planted that seed now so even if you tell him you're not comfortable with it, how will you know whether he will still see her, as he's working in that area?

Unfortunately, someone who has cheated in the past creates this kind of 'suspicion' and it's their own bloody fault! Why would he think, given what he's told you, that it would be acceptable in the first place? That's why I wouldn't believe him...

Yes, ours is a big change and it's bloody inconvenient, but it's what must happen if we are to stay together. I think I convinced myself that I was ok with him working away for so long because I like my own company. Actually, what happened made me review everything; about him, me, us - and I realised that I'd actually been pretty unhappy and lonely for a long time (we'd moved areas and it's a bit quiet around here!). I'm working on changing that, but for me, not for him.

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 04/10/2018 20:39

I’m honestly so lost between the way that he is when we are together, and the messages he sends, and the plans that we have together.

What if he really has changed, and I’m not giving him a chance?

(Yes, I realise I’m choosing to ignore him contacting Amy. But what if he contacted her and doesn’t meet her?)

Argh.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 04/10/2018 21:28

OP a man like this who has cheated a lot is going to be very adept with women, very good at being seductive and saying the right things.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 04/10/2018 21:49

I am at a complete loss as to why the fuck you are doing this to yourself, op.

Up until 6 months ago you didn't even know this player. I would put money on him still chatting (if not more) with other women, in addition to the one he has told you he is planning to meet!

Are you really so desperate for a man that this shady piece of shit is enough for you? Tell you what, ask him for Amy's number and speak to her. That will be a real eye-opener, guaranteed.
Or better still, if he wants to prove how genuine and committed he is to you then ask to see his phone. If he is as honest as you hope that won't be a problem will it?

funicorn · 04/10/2018 22:16

I’m honestly so lost between the way that he is when we are together, and the messages he sends, and the plans that we have together.

You think he wasn't like that with his wife while he was cheating on her for two years ?

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 04/10/2018 22:38

Are you really so desperate for a man that this shady piece of shit is enough for you?

Really no. I was happily single before we met. I am not desperate for a relationship. But I have been completely drawn in to what our life together could be (all the good stuff, I mean).

You think he wasn't like that with his wife while he was cheating on her for two years ?

I’m sure he was. And so now I know that it’s almost impossible to read what is just lying bullshit.

OP posts:
janaus · 05/10/2018 00:52

... always a cheat. I know

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 05/10/2018 07:17

You can tell him you've had time to reflect and it's not okay with you. It doesnt sit well with you. You need to be prepared to end it though if he decides he's going to see her anyway...because what's the point otherwise

I think this is what I’ll do. Although I feel I’m being unreasonable in doing it. But I can see that the way you’ve word d it doesn’t tell him not to meet her, but just states I’m not ok with it. And so then he has to make that decision. Her or me. The only issue is that I potentially won’t know if he lies about it and meets her anyway.

OP posts:
safetyfreak · 05/10/2018 08:21

He cheated on his wife, got with the OW and cheated on her. Splits with OW and gets with you, plans to meet up with OW again for friendly dinner.

Yep all sounds good! Carry on as you are, it doesn't sound like your going end it.

KathDayKnight50 · 05/10/2018 09:46

I think you've got enough going on, OP, with a narc mother, a narc ex and being a single parent to your kids with your ex making life difficult for you. A relationship should add good things to your life, not give you all this angst.

Original poster
BeyondFear2020 · 05/10/2018 10:43

A relationship should add good things to your life, not give you all this angst

Admittedly it is causing angst at the moment but that’s only because I’ve only just found out about this stuff and I’m trying to process it. When we are together it’s lovely :)

OP posts:
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