Husband slapped our son and he has a little bruise

[Abbie268]

Not sure what to do really I don't think my son has noticed the bruise as it's on the back of his leg but I still don't know what to do I have always said no violence

I wonder how many of those screaming LTB would actually practice what they preach after one smack on a 9 year old that was being a shit.

I work in a school. If a child told me bruise on their leg was caused by being struck, it would be my duty to report it to our designated safeguarding lead. And I would. Your DH must acknowledge that what he did was very wrong; he must apologise and work out how to react next time his son challenges his authority

I would speak to DH and tell him that you do not condone violence of any kind, even a slap across the leg. I would then try to agree other actions that DH can take if he feels DS is acting up. Are you the more hands on parent? It sounds as though DH may have been at a loss of how to handle the situation so giving him some tools and strategies may help him feel more able to cope with bad behaviour without resorting to violence x

absolutely it was the wrong reaction, but I think id forgive someone that lost their rag after being deliberatly goaded and disrespected like that.
You allow a 9 year old boy to behave like that to you then you are in for a treat in their teens.
I also think you would do more damage to your child by kicking out his father for reacting to something the child caused. This is not systematic or prolonged abuse, its a short slap on the leg to a kid being deliberatly defiant, and whilst Its crap parenting and words would be had, as a one off, id be telling my son that whilst his dad shouldnt have reacted that way, he had been pushing his luck.

If you’d been winding him up and he hit you hard enough to leave a bruise, would leaving him be overreacting? (No, it wouldn’t)

He sounds like a lazy parent, who couldn’t deal with a 9 yo being annoying. I’d be furious if DP did that to any of ours.

If it's the first time he has smacked in 9 years that the op knows about, I wouldn't say he is a lazy parent.

Interesting read here
www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/smacking-children-uk-law-change-ban-is-it-illegal-what-are-rules-parents-punishment-a8069436.html

Does he generally have a horrible temper? Did he feel bad after hitting DS? I think the answers to those questions would help me decide my future with this man.

If DH feels upset about losing control and lashing out parenting classes might be worth a try. If he isn’t sorry about smacking his child and won’t change his behaviour I think you have to consider divorce.

Yes, your DS was goady and disrespectful, but your DH was violent. Which is the worst offence?

well no, but my partner isnt resposible for my behaviour and my upbringing and its a completely different power relationship.
I would also leave a partner for putting me on the naughty step, controlling my bedtime, not allowing me out without supervision or sending me to my room or any form of discipline whatsoever.
If I dont behave properly, my partner isnt the one who gets the blame and judged as a terrible parent.

What @branleuse said.

If it's the first time he has smacked in 9 years that the op knows about, I wouldn't say he is a lazy parent

If you can’t find any other way to deal with your child, who is winding you up and looking for attention than hitting them hard enough to leave a bruise, what would you call it?

People can justify smacking all they like. It doesn’t mean I have to agree with them.

If it was a partner hitting a partner the response would be unanimous, but for some ridiculous reason people think hitting small children is more acceptable.

At 9, your son is watching his dad very carefully to see how to cope with stress and confrontation. Your DH must up his game

I used to smack my kids, (I'm in my fifties). I definitely would have smacked them for that. My kids have grown up pretty nice and we have a close family.

It's an unfashionable view, but I think there are worse things than a naughty kid getting a slap from an otherwise loving parent.

I think LTB is a bit harsh. But you need to sit down and talk about how to discipline your son. There were two parents in the room and he was getting away with bratty behaviour. Had both you and your husband told him off already?

The fact that your husband was totally unapologetic makes me think he’s even bigger prick.

OP has he actually apologised to DS? So, "DS, i felt really irritated by you turning the TV on and off when I was trying to watch it. I lashed out and hit you and I shouldn't have responded in that way. I'm sorry. I'm going to try to find other ways to deal when I'm irritated."

Not asking DS for an apology, but modeling a good one (accepting all responsibility for his own actions).

Then you can perhaps - alone - talk to DS and ask why he was doing it (was he trying to be annoying to get attention, or just because?). Then ask him how he'd feel if someone did that to him while he was watching something, would he feel annoyed? Reiterate that his dad shouldn't have hit him, but point out that perhaps he owes his dad an apology for turning the TV on and off.

BUT absolutely only if it was really the first time it's happened.

You do not ever ever hit a child or anybody else for that matter.

He is a big bully who resorts to violence against defenceless persons and I could not live with that.

He’d be gone.

Your son was clearly pushing the boundaries but violence won’t teach him to deal with his frustration.

Absolutely right. But how do you discipline children these days?

Agree with branleuse on this.

Smacking hasn't been outlawed

Fuck me, that's a really low bar. So providing our parenting doesn't cross the line into illegal, we're all set?

The fact you said it was the "first" time he'd done it not the "only" time makes it sound like you wouldn't be surprised if it happened again. Or that you think it will.

Certainly sounds like he wouldn't have any concerns about repeating it.

So you wouldn't be telling him to leave for "one slap", you'd be doing it to protect your child from violence.

Would it be okay to say "it was only a slap" if he'd hit you for doing something he didn't like? If he'd hit me? Why is slapping someone OK as long as it's directed at somebody so much smaller and more defenceless than him?

If violence is such a good educational method, why isn't it used in schools?

I would have a word with DH, about this not becoming a habit. Get him to find alternative ways to handle such situation.

However your son was being disrespectful , and needed discipline. I wouldn’t hit but I’m a mother and mothers usually smother their kids..

I would take the middle ground and ask DP to next time not hit hard enough to leave a bruise and to avoid hitting unless it is very serious.. perhaps , if my DH had a tendency to hit then I would offer him an alternative punishment ( pocket money , naughty step) or I would ask him to refer the child to me for disciplining and I would do it my way..

Just don’t cause bodily harm and it should be ok..

As for ur role, it’s the emotional scar that lasts. Make sure u tell ur son u dislike violance and that u know his dad loves him and only wants to discipline him so he grows to e respectful. Tell him his father loves him.. and that he pushed his boundary with his dad and so even though he didn’t deserve to be hit hard but he did deserve to be somewhat punished and that if it were you you would’ve grounded him instead.

Are you sure the bruise was as a result of a slap?

Anoukspirit ..

If hugging a child and kissing them is so important for their development, why isn’t it allowed in schools ?

Because a school isn’t home where a child feels unconditional love and safety

@TinklyLittleLaugh I used to smack my kids, (I'm in my fifties). I definitely would have smacked them for that....My kids have grown up pretty nice and we have a close family.. Well, we only have your opinion on that. Have you ever asked your adult children how they felt when you smacked them? You'll be encouraging them to smack their kids then because you say it works really well to bring up nice kids and make a close family.