Husband slapped our son and he has a little bruise

[Abbie268]

Not sure what to do really I don't think my son has noticed the bruise as it's on the back of his leg but I still don't know what to do I have always said no violence

You Tell children, you don't "ask".

Is that right?

I ask mine, they do as they are asked or there are consequences. Consequences which don’t involve being assaulted because I can’t get my shit together as a parent.

I also ask as mutual respect works far better than the fear of being hit, I find anyway.

Well it depends why they need to come off. If it's because they are at their daily limit of screen time, then it's not optional, so telling is appropriate, but you can do it in a respectful way which sounds more like a request (even though really it's not), rather than a confrontational/threatening way. Or it's more of a reminder, especially if they've agreed and negotiated the limits themselves in advance, which I find works quite well. Most people would probably use ask in that context, but it would turn into telling if the child wasn't co-operative. If you want them to come off because somebody else wants to use the TV however, then that might be an ask depending on your household rules. In my house an adult's desire to use the TV doesn't automatically trump a child's desire to use the TV, so if the child still had screen time allowance and hadn't been using the TV excessively, it would be a request, not a command and open to negotiation e.g. Can I just finish this level. For somebody else it might be very important to always have the adults be dominant/hierarchically higher up than the children so adults' desires always trump children's desires and hence it would be telling rather than asking. Or it might be that the child has already spent a long time using the TV and it's the general household rule that people should have the opportunity for equal time - and then it might be a tell rather than an ask but with an appeal to reason.

Nb the absence of a hierarchical element to whose desire to use the TV wins out does not mean that the hierarchy is inverted and the child's desire always wins - it just means that there is no hierarchy in that decision and the decision is made based on other factors.

good post Bertie. Spot on.

teaching him how to behave in society.

But how does smacking teach a child to behave in society? Surely it teaches them to lash out when in a temper? It's certainly what it taught me.

My parents overused hitting (that's a very polite way of putting it). They would still say it was my fault because I behaved badly - as I grew up I could see that wasn't true because of the lack of consistency, and how much our punishments depended upon their moods.

However when I had a child, although determined not to smack, I was scared I wouldn't be able to discipline her. Nonetheless, I have disciplined her in a completely different way to my parents. I speak to her respectfully but firmly, I make the punishment fit the crime and I do not let her get away with a thing.

I'm constantly waiting for her to push my temper, I'm waiting to feel the need to smack and am constantly amazed at how well behaved she is and how well she responds to a gentler, more reasoned discipline. She is not defiant and rebellious in the way I became after being smacked, just the opposite. She wants to work with us and avoid doing wrong again. Our relationship is so much better than my brother and I had with our parents. I wish my childhood had been more like this.

My own childhood had already taught me that the points made by the NSPCC as shown above were all true, but raising my own child differently reinforced the same points ten times over.

@SharpLily same. I'll never forgive my parents for smacking me. It has undoubtedly accepted our relationship for the worse.

I don't respect them nearly as much due to the smacking.

I see friends I grew up with's children who they've smacked and most of them are rude, out of control, been in trouble and don't have the best relationship with their parents. Those of us who haven't smacked have calmer kids and better relationships with them.

The kids who kick off at school I know are pretty much always the kids who received physical punishment.

I can't believe how blind people are to the damage they're doing to their children.

It's not ok to hit other people, why the fuck do you think it's ok to hit a vulnerable child?