Husband slapped our son and he has a little bruise

[Abbie268]

Not sure what to do really I don't think my son has noticed the bruise as it's on the back of his leg but I still don't know what to do I have always said no violence

The slap isn't so much the problem as the whole context surrounding it.

It sounds like there is far too much screen time (OK - I'm guilty of this too. We're currently trying to wean DS1 (10) down on advice of a doctor). Hence the 9yo reacts immaturely to being told he can't play on the games console. This is par for the course - he's 9, he's immature by nature - and if he's reacting in such a petty way, then I'd make a good guess either he has so much screen time he feels entitled to it at all times, or his parents never really interact with him, possibly as a result he doesn't know how to entertain himself. It almost sounds as though the screen time is only limited when one of the adults wants access to the TV - that's pretty crap, I do understand how easy it is to fall into that habit, but it's really shitty reasoning - either have screen time limits if you believe there's a max amount of reasonable screen time per day, or have a decent discussion about sharing, don't just turf the kid off when you feel like it because you trump them because you're bigger. But anyway - due to this the petty and immature reaction is only to be expected. If you're doing a concentrated effort to reduce screen time and/or emphasise that the TV is shared and others are entitled to use it too then you should be expecting a kick back as it's usual to have this reaction when you bring in any change.

That doesn't mean that it should go unchecked - but slapping isn't a reasonable response. Something like removing screen time for the next day and/or sending the child to their room (so they can't interfere with the TV) would be reasonable if they can't behave when told to come off the TV or respect that others are using it. If the TV ban is as part of changing a pattern you could also do it more gently by encouraging/suggesting other things he could do while your DH is watching TV, but I don't think that a more punitive response is harsh. Slapping is too harsh.

So there are several concerns which are basically flagging up issues with the parenting in general which might be relationship issues, if you're generally more consistent and reasonable, or might be both of you at fault, if you've slipped into lazy habits together.

First the sense of entitlement to screen time/reaction to coming off screens - may be worth a look at whether you need to reevaluate your (both of your) ideas/limits about screens. Look at your own screen use too. You can hardly blame a child for using screens incessantly if the parents also do. Again - not judging here, as it's a problem in my own family. We all use screens too much.

Second the general relationship between your DS and DH - it's clearly casual, in the sense that DS feels it's appropriate to niggle at and annoy him in the form of turning the TV on and off, but DH obviously feels that there is a hierarchy there as he can turf DS off the TV because he wants to watch it and he feels justified to use physical means to enforce this as he is bigger/the parent. So he needs to decide what the relationship is supposed to be and behave appropriately. The whole interaction almost sounds like one between brothers than father and son. In short DH needs to be aware he is a role model and act like it. How hierarchical that is is up to you (two) but it should be consistent. If DH is acting like a friend one minute and an authoritative parent the next DS is bound to be confused about where the boundary for appropriate behaviour lies.

But lastly I agree with some other posters that the response is part of what is concerning as well, because it shows that it wasn't a moment of being pushed to his limit and reacting in stress, but something he felt was appropriate and fair parenting. You don't say if you agree with smacking generally but feel that a bruise is too far, or whether you consider any smack to be violence, but again, that's something to think about.

It's not about leaving the relationship as a snap reaction to a single event, it's about looking at the event as a snapshot of your relationship and your DH's parenting (and maybe your own parenting) as a whole and deciding if you want to carry on like this, if you want to change something together - if he's even willing to work with you to change - or whether your views are actually aligned at all, and if not, one outcome of that realisation might be that you decide the relationship isn't compatible either. But even if you did end up eventually splitting up as a result of that decision, it's not in response to a single event and it's absolutely not the child's behaviour which has caused it.

Oh, FFS. Dad smacks 9 year old boy, who has been acting like a naughty little shit. STOP THE PRESS.

I dare say, that if you had been tougher parents from the beginning, you wouldn't now be having to deal with a 9 year old, who sounds entirely out of control and who has zero respect for his parents.

The boy had REPEATEDLY turned the TV off, and had been REPEATEDLY told not to. And yet...he carried on. What is the magic next step then, since he clearly doesn't do as he's told?

I would have given him a smack too.

We are raising a generation of spoiled, over-indulged snowflakes, who can't be told "no", for fear of their needs or wants being stifled. Children must be allowed the "express" themselves, even if this means being defiant or really naughty. Fuck that. Who is in charge?

Good luck with him, when he hits the teenage years. You're going to need it.

Oh ffs husky, would you believe that some of us manage to raise our kids to be respectful, decent humans WITHOUT ever needing to smack them?! Astonishing but true!

WELL SAID Husky!

It must be awful, huskey to think you could only control your children by hitting them when so many of us reared perfectly nice, well behaved children/adults (mine are pretty much adults) without resorting to that at all.

But then I was led by my mother (born in 1927) who would have felt herself disgraced forever as a mother if she had to resort to physical violence to control a child. As would her mother (born in the 19th century).

But not everyone is able for that -sad for their - your - children of course

Personally I will never hit my children. I don’t think it teaches them anything, and I’d feel awful anyway.

But there are some real over reactions here. For all we know, this dad would give his life for his son. I would be raging if I had been deprived of my dad over one hard smack.

Omg you sick twat your child should come before your husband in that sense! You could have your child taken away from you for fuck sake! Have a word with your husband tell him that he cannot do that again you are discussing for not arguing over the matter with him sooner

would have felt herself disgraced forever as a mother if she had to resort to physical violence to control a child

Total over reaction : we are talking about a slap on the legs, not several punches to the face.

Omg you sick twat your child should come before your husband in that sense! You could have your child taken away from you for fuck sake

Yeah, cos the Police are really going to take someone to jail for smacking a naughty child on the legs. Get real. The PF would red line the whole thing.

Maybe the Op should log it with 101. The Police aren't stretched, and this will go straight to the top of the pile, as a Grade 1 call. Blues and Two's, the whole shebang.

40 years ago I occasionally smacked my kids. They don't appear damaged

If smacking is considered as a form of behaviour management in your partners eyes then he has already failed. Corporal punishment is abhorrent to me and does not challenge behaviours, only teaches children aggression. You need to fix this now.

Have to agree with Katie, the outrage shown is out of all proportion.
The child at 9 needs to know their is repercussions to their actions and it seems that he was acting out as they weren't getting their way. Off course there are still many other options- sending them to their room, giving them other task to do etc, but the calls of calling the police for assault and dumping your husband are frankly ridiculous.
That said the couple need to agree about what discipline steps can be taken.

Ok coming at this from a child protection point of view, if your child discloses this to school and there's a bruise that's been caused by a smack then yes you can expect involvement from police and children's services. Smacking isn't illegal no but leaving a bruise shows excessive force. I think you seriously need to get your husband to reconsider his behaviour management skills. If children's services do become involved you won't be viewed as a protective factor for your child as you've known about this and done nothing

This thread will really teach people not to air their personal problems on Mumsnet. Such over the top, aggressive reactions. No-one's going to lose their child because their husband gave said child a smack.

And the comparisons with hitting a colleague at work are ridiculous. Parents have the right to discipline their children. The context is completely different.

Parents have the right to discipline their children with hitting, but can't hit anyone else. And no doubt those same parents are being utterly contradictory by teaching their children that they can't hit anyone else (or they'll get hit for it at home). And you really can't see anything wrong with that thomasinaa?

But yes, it's all about "context". Give me strength.

Total over reaction : we are talking about a slap on the legs, not several punches to the face.

interesting to see where your boundaries begin - several punches to the face.

But no, my mother would have considered it a disgrace to have to slap a child. She was well able to manage her children and rear them properly without resorting to slapping - much as she managed her other human interactions without slapping. As it happens she didn't slap the dog either. Obviously from this thread, not every adult is able for this - sad but hardly something to boast about.

A relationship with a child is completely different from a relationship with a work colleague.

If my work colleague shouts abuse at me, I can complain to management, who then discipline him - this might well include dismissal, in which case I never have to see him again. A badly behaved teenager child may behave similarly on a regular basis. They can't be dismissed from the family. Parents use different punishments. One which is allowed in England is smacking.

Taken from the NSPCC site:
*What is the guidance of the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC)?

It can be tempting to think a smack sorts out incidents like disobedience and biting. However, it does nothing to teach your child how you want him or her to behave.

Instead it:

gives a bad example of how to handle strong emotions;
may lead children to hit or bully others;
may encourage children to lie or hide feelings to avoid smacking;
can make defiant behavior worse, so discipline gets even harder;
leads to a resentful and angry child, and damages family relationships if it continues for a long time.

All parents have behaved in ways they regret at times (shouting or smacking). If it happens, say you are sorry, make up and try again. This teaches the child a valuable lesson.*

I can't think of any other species on the Planet, who allow their offspring to rule the roost without challenge. It's only Humans, who seem to be losing the plot with their young.

If you watch a Lioness or a dog with it's cubs/pups, they are always given a knock if they step out of line. Nothing serious, just enough to retain control. Of course, many will say that they are "animals", but so are we really.

At 9 years old, my son was as tall as me. A slap on the legs for very naughty behaviour, would not have been a big deal. BUT...I never needed to smack him at 9, because by that age he would not have been so out of control as to challenge me or his father, like the Op's son has done. Something has clearly gone wrong here. And all too often, it IS a lack of discipline from the get-go. I have seen countless young parents tell their child to desist from certain behaviour, only for the child to continue, and for the parent to shrug their shoulders. So the child "wins". What lesson has been learned by the child here? WTF?

As for PP comparing a slap on the legs, to you slapping a colleague, that's not comparing like with like. You are not responsible for rearing your colleague and teaching him how to behave in society.

People need to start parenting and not co-towing to their snowflakes.

Out of control is not turning the TV off and on Husky, get it in perspective.

You sound positively scary.

Husky, humans are way more highly evolved than dogs or lions. It's surreal that I have to explain this to an adult but hey ho.
And who has said they let their child rule without challenge? I certainly don't, but I just don't have to hit to earn respect 🤷‍♀️

The way people contort themselves to find any way at all to justify a violent male is fucking nauseating and barbaric. Don’t pass on your trash abuser apologist drivel to any offspring you (plural) breed.

Luckily most people have managed to evolve @Huskylover1

husky

You know lots of animals eat their young? Is that acceptable too?