Husband slapped our son and he has a little bruise

[Abbie268]

Not sure what to do really I don't think my son has noticed the bruise as it's on the back of his leg but I still don't know what to do I have always said no violence

I spoke to my husband but he said "well he needs to learn"

Nope. Deal breaker for me.

I remember when my DSS was 9. He has ADHD. I'd taken him to school in the car. About to cross a very busy road and he squirmed free and made to run across (no sense of danger). I grabbed him by the arm instinctively and left a hand mark.

An hour later at home I had social services and a child protection policewoman at the door about it, and was told circumstances were irrelevant and if I ever left a mark again I'd be marched out in cuffs and charged. This was 13 years ago and still shits me up to this day. I asked if I should have just let him run across to be told it was an irrelevance.

Steve, how horrible for you!

This was really my main point, that smack could really open up a massive can of a shit storm for the whole family.

Adora, we are clearly not going to agree and that's fine. I personally would never break up a marriage and family over one bruise from a snack, but that's me.

I will say I've gotten bruised from light bumps. I know as a child I routinely got them from slips, falls, hitting off the edge of a chair running around. Many of these I wouldn't even remember how I got them. I wouldn't say they were all the result of one hell of an injury.

We have a child with a small bruise from a smack. We know that for a fact. I am not going to jump to conclusions it was a helluva wallop because I didn't see it. Certain parts of the body bruise easier as well. My shins were always getting bruised as a kid and still do if I bump them. I'm probably accident-prone though

I wouldn't either HERE, never once said I would, I said if my DH then told me he would continue to use physical punishment I'd definitely consider it, in fact I'd probably see that as a complete deal breaker.

I don't see how you falling from playing correlates with an adult lunging over you at 9 and hitting you so hard you bruised.

I can't see how a bruise would occur without a massive amount of force, but fair enough perhaps the child does bruise easier than most, who knows.

Is it really worth it though to smack and possibly cause a bruise that could be picked up at School and reported to SS, surely there's a safer alternative, I'd also feel shit looking at that bruise every day on that lad's leg knowing I caused it, would be a constant reminder that I lost it.

But it's always good to hear differing opinions and I have listened to you, not completely disagreeing here.

I was smacked as a child didn't do me any damage but I don't smack my children. I think you need to tell your DH if he ever lays a finger on child again he will be out and leaving in a police car. And he needs to sit down and apologise to DS and explain what happened and that his behaviour was wrong but he shouldn't of smacked him

The only facts we have are

that the father slapped the boys legs. Following several warnings to stop messing with the tv.
The mother found a bruise.
It's not definite the bruise was caused by the slap but likelihood it is.
This is the first time
The child is 9.
The parents are married.

There has been a huge amount of projection and speculation on this thread - but the above are the only facts we have.
Based on that , are people really, seriously advocating divorce ?

Divorce involving the loss of one parent from the household. ?
Division of assets which almost certainly leads to the loss of a home.
Packing your bag EOW to go spend time with Dad in some other house when you just want to stay home.
Miserable and upset parents for a good couple of years. ?

I can only assume that people advocating such extreme behaviour place no value on marriage and certainly have no experience of divorce. Because to put children through all of that because of a one off slap on the leg to a goody child is nothing short of disgusting.

Front, you choose to omit:

He needs to learn, that very much intimates a lack of remorse.

OP also stipulated categorically no violence in her home, he choose to do otherwise.

I think there has been widespread assumptions made both in the child's defence and the DHs; it happens on a chat forum all the time, esp around a contentious subject like common assault.

I think most people advocating divorce is based on the possibility that DH's intention to use physical assault again, not based on a one off incident.

I work in law enforcement Adora10. The DC on the next desk has 32 yrs in child protection. This 'complaint' would not even raise a visit. I think you are way too detached from the real world. This type of over reaction diminishes the very very scary world of child abuse.
You may have had an experience where genuine abuse went unrecognised. For that I am very sorry. But given the lack of anything further from the OP that shows this was anything more than what it was.. as stated by the OP. - the only event, then you have to apply context. 'He has to learn' can equally mean that if you ignore your parents reasonable request to desist from a bad behaviour.. there will be consequences. If this father has never slapped the child before, the shock of the reaction would have had more impact than the actual slap. It is not what you (Or I ) would have done, but it happens. Tearing a family apart because of a single bad parenting decision would have far far worse consequences.

I’m not detached from reality and it’s common assault in England and Wales, in Scotland smacking is banned. No been abused either but thanks so much for your concern

If you apply hard and fast rules to every aspect of family life then I feel sorry for you.
People speed - every day. They don't lose their licenses.
People smoke weed. They aren't prosecuted for possession of class Bs
They but alcohol for their 17 yr old children to go to a party. They aren't persecuted for supplying alcohol to underage children.

Life is not black and white and if you can't get that then I'm sorry for you.

Context is everything. If this father is an agressive bully who uses slapping as his 'go to' method of discipline- then that is one thing and I would agree with you. LTB.
We have no information that that is the case, so must assume not.
We can only offer advice based on information supplied not supposition and conjecture.

To take the letter of the law here and apply no context - and suggest a family separating is quite frankly bonkers and shows a scant regard for family life and the love and joy that a family provides.

If this was a woman who said I've gave my nine year old boy a slap on the back of the legs for the first time ever and it's left a small bruise. You would all be saying "oh it's okay, you've made a mistake. He pushed you too the limit. Just don't let it happen again". Bloody hypocrites! Your dh did infact make a mistake. He lost his temper and gave him a smack.

Font ofnoknowledge: hear hear - common sense at last

Well said, fontofknowledge.

If a man slapped his wife and left a bruise?

What's wrong with all of those who say your parents slapped you to bruisedom and that it is ok, os that you think it is ok to be slapped to bruisedom.

Total deal breaker and LTB

I only wish my father had done it.

And the same if it was a woman, to wtfetc above. It;s bad enough to lose control with someone who is so small and defenseless, let alone a human being. Doesn't matter who is the perpetrator or the victim

I totally think it's wrong to hit anybody however it really doesn't take a lot to bruise a child, contrary to what everybody else on here is saying

It seems to me your husband was simply trying to be a responsible parent and discipline his son. If he left a bruise, then clearly he smacked too hard. Sometimes fathers do put too much power into their smack, hence why in my experience usually the mothers are the disciplinarians. I believe that smacking is necessary, and the decline of children's behaviour in society only makes me believe this all the more. Perhaps OP you should have seen his behaviour and intervened earlier when you saw your son playing up and disturbing your husband? I wouldn't be too upset about this unless your husband is in the habit of smacking your child too hard. I doubt very much your husband WANTED to leave a bruise on your son, men just don't realise how hard they can smack sometimes. Your son did need to be disciplined and it sounded like he was out of control, I think your DH in future will re-assess how hard he smacks.

"Yes I'm aware that marks are now illegal but this is the first time"
OP if it is the first time, I wouldn't worry about it, and it is no reason to LTB. It is good that a parent is actually willing to discipline a child, far too rare these days, which is why we have problems in society with children. Obviously your husband over-estimated the power in his smack - common with fathers sometimes. They eventually learn to moderate it. Your husband was trying to do the right thing and raise your son properly, he meant well.

If this is first time, surely not a LTB.
But ... I bet tough guy DH doesnt slap his colleagues at work when they annoy him.

To those who lament the decline in society and put it down to lack of hitting children at home: lots still hit (I refuse to call it 'smack' and sanitise what it really is). I've witnessed it in toddler groups, supermarkets, parks....the children I see being hit are usually the unruliest, 'naughtiest' ones who are running about hitting others and generally showing the exact behaviours the hitting allegedly prevents.
I've never hit my 5 year old, nor do my friends hit their kids. I can discipline perfectly well without resorting to violence. All of us are raising decent, caring young children who I really doubt are going to turn into the scourge of society in future years.

Sometimes fathers do put too much power into their smack

Oh please. Next you'll be saying sometimes men put too much power into their punches when they batter their wives, as though men have no control over their actions. Newsflash: men can control their actions, and the force of them, just as easily as a woman.

Why do people think the mum should have disciplined the child, when it was the dad who was with the child at the time? Sexist.

I'd be more concerned you have a 9 year old that is that out of control that he continuously defied his father. Your DH lost his rag but I don't think it's your biggest problem. Are you generally very permissive with your DS? If he'd done that to my DH at this age the XBoX would have been in the bin.

This.

librarylover53 bang, fucking, on, well said.