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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband slapped our son and he has a little bruise

331 replies

Abbie268 · 02/10/2018 15:18

Not sure what to do really I don't think my son has noticed the bruise as it's on the back of his leg but I still don't know what to do I have always said no violence

OP posts:
pallisers · 03/10/2018 16:16

You allow a 9 year old boy to behave like that to you then you are in for a treat in their teens

If a father hits a 9 year old hard enough to bruise, I can guarantee you he is in for a treat in their teens too. Also pretty damn inadequate as a parent if the only way you can stop that behaviour in a 9 year old is walloping them hard enough to bruise - you are unlikely to able to cope with teens effectively. The boy should have been dealt with properly, his bad behaviour stopped, him removed. Hitting him is just lazy and ineffective - as well as being a shit thing to do to anyone (and in fact illegal to do to anyone other than your own child).

LTB is ridiculous - who would do that for this one incident. But I would treat this very seriously and not brush it away, OP.

GinIsIn · 03/10/2018 16:19

If my DH ever laid a finger on DS, he would be out of the door so fast he wouldn't have time to breathe.

What can a child possibly learn from being assaulted, apart from the fact that the person who hit them is violent and aggressive?

Fontofnoknowledge · 04/10/2018 05:14

If my DH ever laid a finger on DS, he would be out of the door so fast he wouldn't have time to breathe.

I bet your children will be thrilled that their parents split up as a direct consequence of the child's behaviour. ! One smack and 'he would be out the door' ... doesn't sound like he is valued much as a father so I guess it doesn't matter.
Personally I prefer to discuss matters in context before making ldecisions that will effect them life-long.

bastardkitty · 04/10/2018 05:39

Obviously they would be splitting up as a direct consequence of the father's, not the child's behaviour.

gimbles · 04/10/2018 06:08

I bet your children will be thrilled that their parents split up as a direct consequence of the child's behaviour

But it would be the FATHERS behaviour, not the child's. How odd to blame an innocent child.

User1011 · 04/10/2018 06:22

But the child will remember that’s he’s been naughty and now his dads gone.
How odd you don’t understand this.

bastardkitty · 04/10/2018 06:32

Children mostly think things are their faults. That doesn't make them correct.

bastardkitty · 04/10/2018 06:33

And obviously the child is not responsible for the father's violence. So stop victim-blaming.

pusspuss9 · 04/10/2018 06:38

I wonder at the mother's role in all this.

She says that he son kept turning the TV off that his dad was watching because he wasn't allowed on his gaming console so her husband got up and slapped his leg the next time he went to turn it off. She was in the living room and of course shouted what do you think you're doing and our their went off crying and She spoke to her husband but he said "well he needs to learn"

What steps did she take to discipline her son before it came to the smack on his leg? She must have seen how damned annoying her son was being. In all the censure on here about her husband I don't see one comment critisising her lack of action. Maybe she doesn't like to be the 'bad guy' in doing the disciplining but leaves it all to her husband?

bastardkitty · 04/10/2018 07:43

Oh yes of course. It's the mum's fault. Doh.

gimbles · 04/10/2018 07:45

But the child will remember that’s he’s been naughty and now his dads gone.

Indeed. And under those circumstances any mother in the world would reassure their child that it was their father who did wrong, not them.

How odd you don’t understand this.

The irony.

MaeveDidIt · 04/10/2018 08:48

Do not LTB - just think of the implications this will have on your DS's mental well-being. It will have a massive impact on him because he WILL think that it was through his childish actions that caused the family to break-up. Make no mistake he will.

I don't condone violence at all, but posters saying you should break-up the family because of a slap on the back of the leg are beyond belief. It honestly makes me wonder what sort of planet they live on.

Thomasinaa · 04/10/2018 10:15

I agree that the LTB advice on here is ludicrous. As ludicrous as the poster who keeps on telling us that she is a monster for slapping her child once when the child kicked her.

Fontofnoknowledge · 04/10/2018 11:06

The loony replies are from the perfect parent brigade.
I had the joy of this on Sunday when a small child ran up to my daughter who was serving roast lunch. (Carrying two full roast lunches across a busy pub)
He ran at full pelt. and 'punched' her in the thigh. She thinks he was about 6. Sunday lunch everywhere. Massive mess. Parents no where to be seen (in the Garden) and when located only concerned that their child wasn't injured. - appeared not because by this point he was trying to climb up the inside of an inglenook fireplace... (genuine response from mother when asked to prevent this... "I prefer to let him explore. He has been learning about child chimney sweeps and wants to do it himself " )
My daughter told the parents that their son had deliberately punched her in an unprovoked attack and would like an apology. They explained that they prefer to 'discuss his behaviour with him in a private non-threatening atmosphere ' DD said he was both rude and violent to her.
Queue parents seeking out the manager to complain about her 'attitude'.

The manager asked them to leave.
If one of mine had behaved like that, (and I'm extremely grateful that they hadn't) I would not have hesitated to have given them a slap on the leg.

I have children in their 20s now and have never slapped . Not once. However It doesn't mean I wouldn't if the circumstances required. It's the shock effect that is the deterrent and can be a very effective one.

That's why if and when used it must be sparing. I have close friends who were smacked on a very very regular basis growing up. Physical chastisement seems to be (still) very much the norm in Caribbean families - where my friends will all regale stories of Mama breaking a broom handle in the execution of some or other beating - of getting 'the belt' from Dad. The one thing that is surprising is how they were 'so used to it ' it had very little effect as a deterrent . Interestingly it also seemed to have no effect on the closeness of the family, who are as tight and loving as any I have ever met.
I can't quite work this out as I come from a family where I was never struck (unusual for the 50s/60s) but it appears to be to do with belief in just discipline.
The recipients of physical discipline do not appear to harbour a grudge if they understand it to be just disciple for poor behaviour. My friend looks at me like I've lost my mind if I suggested her mum failed to protect her by not leaving her father after he spanked her for climbing out the bathroom window and going to play out with friends after bedtime..
Her cousins family however have not had contact with their father from the day they left home. He was also a 'beater' but his discipline was erratic, unmeasured, and often unjustified. They would call him an abuser.
I have discussed this in some depth with my friends who grew up in homes with corporal punishment and there seems to be a very clear dividing line between physical chastisement in an otherwise loving home and abuse. To lump them all together is just not the lived reality of many thousands of families and diminishes the meaning of abuse.

NorthEndGal · 04/10/2018 11:10

How many times would you like you child to be hurt before you decide it's enough?
Have you decided how hurt you will allow him to get before leaving?

Seriously, boot your mister

Adora10 · 04/10/2018 11:26

I bet your children will be thrilled that their parents split up as a direct consequence of the child's behaviour

One of the stupidest comments to date.

Adora10 · 04/10/2018 11:30

I don't condone violence at all, but posters saying you should break-up the family because of a slap on the back of the leg are beyond belief

Erm, sounds like you do and stick to the facts, it was a bruise and is a criminal offence; instead of zooming in on the few that said LTB maybe realise her DH has put the family at risk, especially if that bruise is spotted by another adult, ie, teacher etc; nobody seems to get the fact that he could be charged with common assault, nah, just forget that, the boy was being a goady shit, absolutely horrible to describe any child in that way that has been hurt so hard he's bruised, you all sound so empathic, I'd not let you within a mile of any of my kids.

HereIgoagainxx · 04/10/2018 12:41

What do you mean only a few said LTB? Loads said it.

And thinking a mother could convince her son he wasn't responsible for the split..... How can anyone say with certainty all children would believe that? You don't think a child could harbour guilt? Of course some children would turn this inward despite reassurance.

HereIgoagainxx · 04/10/2018 12:42

"absolutely horrible to describe any child in that way that has been hurt so hard he's bruised,"

I think the inference is he was being a goady shit before he was smacked, not after

Grimbles · 04/10/2018 12:48

What age is it ok for me to start hitting my kid when they annoy me? 2? 3?

SleepingStandingUp · 04/10/2018 12:49

but he said "well he needs to learn"

People have said on this thread oh I've done it once, I was so sorry, I wouldn't do it again. I have smacked DS's hard because he swiped a load of photos off the windowsill and all I could imagine was splinters of glass flying everywhere and hospital. I felt horribly guilty, it was panic and anger and fear but as his mother he deserves more of me than that.

However your DH isn't sorry. He doesn't feel bad. He doesn't think it was wrong. He thinks well he deserves to learn and if hitting him works, good - - I'll do it again.

You have a choice.

You can leave / tell hi mThe next time it happens you will absolutely leave - this is an absolute deal breaker and see if he seems contrite and agrees or says no I'll beat him whenever I want to (in which case I'd leave)
Or you can stand by and let your husband hit him every time he annoys him. And he's just a kid, you wait til he's an annoying teenager!!

He could have sent him to his room or told him the games console would go in the bin but instead he chose to hit him because he was interrupting his telly.

Thomasinaa · 04/10/2018 12:49

Can't believe some posters would break up a family for this. I would call that child abuse.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/10/2018 12:51

And thinking a mother could convince her son he wasn't responsible for the split
So instead a parent should never leave because the other parent is violent to the child because they*might blame themselves?

SleepingStandingUp · 04/10/2018 12:52

Thomasinaa how many times do you think op should leave it? Does it need to be a specific injury? Does there need to be blood? Or should the kid just lock himself in his room and keep away from his Dad's temper?

LoveB · 04/10/2018 12:55

It's very difficult to comment on this without knowing what your husband is like as a parent/human being. There's no way I'd let this go without telling my DH how disappointed/disgusted I was with him and I would warn him never to do it again or there'd be serious consequences. If he is a loving/kind father and husband then I wouldn't split up the family over it... it is easy to make a mistake. Hopefully your DH has learnt from this.

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