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Original poster

Stranded wife and pukey baby - what should he have done?

200 replies

HenriettaSmalltrousers · 30/09/2018 08:49

NC for this as I'd like to get opinions on this situation at face value, without any other details I may have posted in the past influencing opinions.

DH self employed but does very regular shifts for an organisation about an hours drive from home.
Im also self employed but I pretty much look after our DD and the house singlehandedly as he works usually 6/7 days a week.

So when this incident happened I'd been on my own with DD (14 mths) at home. A client called with an urgent problem. I felt like I had no choice but to put DD, who was in her pyjamas and about to go to bed, in the car with her blankets and drive to deliver something to a town about 40 mins from home and 40 mins from where DH was working.

All went fine until after the delivery was made and we had set off for home when DD woke up and started vommiting. I cleaned her up as best I could, changed her and when I thought she'd stopped being sick, i set off again trying to get back as quickly as I could.

But then she started again. I've never seen so much vomit and she was in such a state. I called a friend who lived in the town who put a romantic meal with her boyfriend on hold to help. She went for nappies and a new babygro while the boyfriend helped me run a bath etc.

I called DH to tell him what had happened. DD was still poorly and upset, my car was swimming in puke and i was covered in it. I didnt feel like I could put her back in the back of the car on her own. I was upset too by this point. It had been a tough couple of weeks and I'd had eniugh, I just wanted some support. He said he'd come when he finished in 3 hours but he wouldnt ask to finish early as it wasn't a proper emergency and it would look bad. He was genuinely surprised I expected him to and thought it was asking too much. I felt he'd been working with these people long enough to explain we were stranded and DD ill and ask if he could go for a couple of hours.

In the end, friend drove me and DD home while her boyfriend drove my car behind. I text DH and told him what was happening and asked again if he would try and come. TBH, although friend and BF were lovely I felt we were inconveniencing them a lot and got the distinct impression they felt he should be the one helping us.

What do you think? Should he have come? Is it something I should be able to ask him to do or was I putting him in a difficult compromising position?

OP posts:
fussygalore118 · 30/09/2018 08:53

Honestly it sounds all a bit dramatic for a vomiting child.
You were not stranded hours from home!

I've had a nightmare journey with vomiting toddler and just powered through, I certainly wouldn't have called a friend/stopped and bathed them in someone else's house!

fussygalore118 · 30/09/2018 08:54

Just to add I would have called and moaned at the awfulness of to my husband but absolutely it expected him to leave work!

Floyella · 30/09/2018 08:56

You could cope. It was an unpleasant, but not dangerous situation.

Yes it would have been nice to have his support - but I can't imaging that him telling work that he needed to leave for a sick baby even though you were there would have gone very well.

But this doesn't sound like the issue. You sound knackered and burned out, and that means that (unless finances are really dire) he needs to work less and help more. That way, hopefully, you'll be less likely to be in this situation again.

Star81 · 30/09/2018 08:57

Honestly, I’ve got 3 children myself and know how quickly sick bugs can come and go.

However. I would personally just have dealt with it myself as you already had 2 friends on hand and at the end of the day it wasn’t as if you needed to go to doctors or hospital so him leaving work wasn’t really necessary. I would just have borrowed a couple of towels covered the car seat and got home as quick as I could.

Sick bugs aren’t nice and I’ve been in the car type situation you have but if you want your partner home every time your child is ill he’ll not be able to work much !! It is a steeeful situation but you’ll he used to it.

Notacluewhatthisis · 30/09/2018 08:57

Hmmm it's a difficult one. In theory, yes he should have come.

However I wouldn't have asked exh to come home. He was self employed and some of the people he worked for could be arses. That said, I know that if I needed him and he could, he definitely would have come back. So if he ever said he couldn't I was happy to take his word for it.

Tbf, my job is one that I can't always just come home for. Despite me really not liking exh, these are the times co parenting works well for us. We both know we will absolutely do what we can.

Hercules12 · 30/09/2018 08:58

It's certainly a pain when this happens but you have made it sound far more dramatic than it was. I'm not sure why you needed to involve your friend and stop for bath and travel in different car etc. Sorry but don't think your dh needed to leave work. I wouldn't have.

Singlenotsingle · 30/09/2018 08:58

You've got some very good friends there, haven't you? They deserve flowers or a hamper or something. Maybe you could just have got a taxi home and the two of you gone back maybe the next day to pick car up?

I can understand his reluctance about leaving work halfway through the shift if he was doing something that couldn't be left, or if the client would be upset - but not if your dp just couldn't be bothered!

Scrumptiousbears · 30/09/2018 08:59

You were managing just fine. Your child was sick but had one of her parents to look after her. It didn't need two of you. Especially as you had got your friend and her BF to help as well so actually there was three of you for one sicky baby.

Quartz2208 · 30/09/2018 09:01

I suspect this is the final straw in a battle of who does what - he just works, you work whilst looking after your DD and all of the house. And then when you ask for help he cant

This is a sustainable situation for you or your DD you need to reassess

Pimmsypimms · 30/09/2018 09:03

A very stressful situation, but not severe enough for your dh to leave work early for. I’d only expect my dh to leave work early if it involved a trip for either myself or dc to A&E.

OnceUponATimeInAmerica · 30/09/2018 09:05

I would be surprised if I got a phone call to leave work for a vomiting child, when the other parent was there and had two supportive friends as well. Your DH was right, it was not an emergency, and it would look bad. You were putting him in a difficult position with the company he is working for.

Not a problem to let him know and ask him to come straight home after his shift ended rather than doing something like going to the pub, or staying late at work etc. But a bit precious to expect him to leave the company in the lurch to rush to the aid of three other adults who had the situation under control.

yikesanotherbooboo · 30/09/2018 09:08

I agree with everyone else. I wouldn't have involved my DH.not that it doesn't sound like a nightmare. I still have awful memories of a particular shopping trip with one toddler covered in vomit and the other covered in blood and BOTH screaming their heads off for the duration.

adaline · 30/09/2018 09:11

I can't imagine asking my manager to leave work because my (hypothetical at present) child was vomiting when they were with their other parent. I'm pretty certain his response would be "But his dad is there?"

It wasn't an emergency. You had a vomiting child. No, it's not pleasant but I can't imagine ringing anyone for help in that situation. Surely it's one of those where you pull over, strip the child and clean up as best you can, then get home and chuck the child in the bath and the clothes in the machine, and deal with the car in the morning?

pinkyredrose · 30/09/2018 09:12

Christ you were 40 minutes from home not 4 hours. Can't believe you ruined your mates romantic evening with a pukey kid. Why couldn't you carry on driving home and clean up when you got there?

PerryPerryThePlatypus · 30/09/2018 09:15

Tbh I would have just kept on driving, got home and dealt with the mess then. Really no need to involve friends and husband.

category12 · 30/09/2018 09:16

I don't understand why you asked him again to come home when you were already on your way back with your friends. (You have very nice friends.)

On this incident, I think you flapped a bit and could have probably handled it on your own, if you'd been in a more resilient frame of mind. But presumably there were reasons you were struggling. Likely the context of the relationship you're not telling us.

But on the face of it, your partner couldn't really leave work, for the same reason you dragged out your kid at bedtime to do a delivery.

Jent13c · 30/09/2018 09:16

It would have been absolutely horrible listening to your baby vomit in the back and not being able to do anything about it but the priority was to get her home. They don't have a clue about vomiting in a bowl or anything so they just puke everywhere and you are going to have a cleanup operation regardless. To sit at the side of the road and wait at least an hour for your husband to come and rescue you is a poorer option that just getting her home and getting settled and then you can tackle the car later.

Fairylea · 30/09/2018 09:16

I would have just bunged dc back in the car and gone home. 40 mins here is nothing. There’s no way I would have interrupted my friends date night or asked dh to come home!!

But then I’m used to dealing with ds aged 6 who has autism and learning disabilities pooping in the car because he can’t wait (has severe difficulties) and sometimes we’ve had to drive 30 mins or so home like that as we live rurally and there’s nowhere to stop! It’s not pleasant but shit happens, literally.

peachypetite · 30/09/2018 09:17

Your friends sound amazing

TheLandsWhereTheJumbliesLive · 30/09/2018 09:20

I wouldn't ask or expect my husband to come home from work in that situation. I would want him to of course, would be easier for me, but it's not an emergency, so I wouldn't.

spaceraidersrock · 30/09/2018 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

househunthappening · 30/09/2018 09:21

I think you weren't being a bit dramatic about an unpleasant but manageable situation. I'd have cleaned ourselves up and powered on as best as we could and dealt with it all properly once we were home and DD was in bed.

I've been there, it's not nice but I don't think you were stranded and could have managed on your own.

FinallyHere · 30/09/2018 09:21

Im also self employed but I pretty much look after our DD and the house singlehandedly

This appears to be the crux of the matter, you need some emergency child care for when you are working and the child needs full time attention. Not surprisingly, you sound utterly exhausted.

Hope you can find some support.

timeisnotaline · 30/09/2018 09:23

I suspect this is the final straw in a battle of who does what - he just works, you work whilst looking after your DD and all of the house. And then when you ask for help he cant
Is this what’s really going on op? Do you need to talk to him and say you don’t feel like you have a partner in life or your dd has two parents to rely on?

Gersemi · 30/09/2018 09:23

You must have been 20-30 minutes from home when you stopped the second time? What would you have done if your friend hadn't been available?