Stranded wife and pukey baby - what should he have done?

[HenriettaSmalltrousers]

NC for this as I'd like to get opinions on this situation at face value, without any other details I may have posted in the past influencing opinions.

DH self employed but does very regular shifts for an organisation about an hours drive from home.
Im also self employed but I pretty much look after our DD and the house singlehandedly as he works usually 6/7 days a week.

So when this incident happened I'd been on my own with DD (14 mths) at home. A client called with an urgent problem. I felt like I had no choice but to put DD, who was in her pyjamas and about to go to bed, in the car with her blankets and drive to deliver something to a town about 40 mins from home and 40 mins from where DH was working.

All went fine until after the delivery was made and we had set off for home when DD woke up and started vommiting. I cleaned her up as best I could, changed her and when I thought she'd stopped being sick, i set off again trying to get back as quickly as I could.

But then she started again. I've never seen so much vomit and she was in such a state. I called a friend who lived in the town who put a romantic meal with her boyfriend on hold to help. She went for nappies and a new babygro while the boyfriend helped me run a bath etc.

I called DH to tell him what had happened. DD was still poorly and upset, my car was swimming in puke and i was covered in it. I didnt feel like I could put her back in the back of the car on her own. I was upset too by this point. It had been a tough couple of weeks and I'd had eniugh, I just wanted some support. He said he'd come when he finished in 3 hours but he wouldnt ask to finish early as it wasn't a proper emergency and it would look bad. He was genuinely surprised I expected him to and thought it was asking too much. I felt he'd been working with these people long enough to explain we were stranded and DD ill and ask if he could go for a couple of hours.

In the end, friend drove me and DD home while her boyfriend drove my car behind. I text DH and told him what was happening and asked again if he would try and come. TBH, although friend and BF were lovely I felt we were inconveniencing them a lot and got the distinct impression they felt he should be the one helping us.

What do you think? Should he have come? Is it something I should be able to ask him to do or was I putting him in a difficult compromising position?

Stranded? I can't see how you were stranded
And I don't understand what you wanted your Dh to do
A puking child does not need two parents there
You should have just driven straight home and dealt with it on your own
It certainly wasn't an emergency that required your Dh to leave work

Both of them did the same thing for their work - op dragged out with the baby for work, her partner stayed at work instead of rushing home. I'm not sure how that makes his work more important than hers.

It might or might not have been an emergency. The OP who does the vast majority of childcare failed to cope. She reached the end of her tether. The OP may well have made bad choices - I don't know. The bottom line is the straw broke the camels back and she asked for help.

She reached out and asked for help because rightly or wrongly she couldn't cope. I've been there, something you could normally cope with pushes you over the edge. You ask for help.

The OP knows her partner's work situation, he has been working 6 or 7 day weeks for this company, they know he is reliable. So she asked for help and he failed to step up.

Her partner knows the OP has had a bad couple of weeks and has shouldered the vast majority of childcare while working. If we assume she normally just gets on with it then to ignore a cry for help is a far cry from being a supportive partner and father.

But it sounds from the OP that the child was not vomiting any more - she set off again too early the first time around, but after the bath and change of clothes, no mention of any further vomiting. By then, there probably was not much left in the child's stomach to puke up, so better to get home quickly than wait 40 mins for dh to appear before driving home.

YABU.

I was in the car once with DS who was then 10 months who started puking when I was on the motorway, 20 miles from home.

Came off at next junction, cleaned him up as best I could and turned around to go home. He puked more on the way home, I stopped and put hazards on so I could get out and make sure he wants choking and then carried on to home:

Not very pleasant but I didn't call DH as not sure what he could have done really

OK, well thanks for the views. I did want opinions on this situation alone so I dont want to complain about not hearing what I want to hear, but some of the scathing comments are off the mark.

It's not that I couldn't cope. I would have, of course I would. I'm not someone who typically over dramatises things, I've seen sick bugs before obviously. This one was particularly bad and I genuinely felt putting DD back in the car straight away was not something I wanted to do if I could help it. Incidentally, this was a few weeks ago and the next day the GP sent us to hospital. She'd become dehydrated, was dry vommiting and I couldn't get her to take fluids so she was pretty poorly. My point is, I was genuinely concerned at the time. I didnt explain this in my original OP as I thought explaining that there was alot and I didn't feel like I could put her back in the car was enough to convey how bad it was. I didnt think so many people would be so quick to assume I was being dramatic.

I called my friend as we were very close to her house and I knew she wouldnt mind if I came round to clean up rather than sit on the roadside while I decided what to do. If I'd have known she was having dinner, of course I wouldnt have. They were very lovely and very helpful and couldn't do enough. Unlike DD's father. I didnt ask them to drive me home, they volunteered, insisted.

I work in the media industry. My client was hosting a large awards dinner. There was a technical issue and not the time to sort it out from home. I went to deliver something so they could go ahead with their presentations.

I have told DH it's over and this was a catalyst. He thinks I am being unreasonable and TBH, I thought this incident is less forgiveable then clearly a lot of other people. Which does mean my judgement is too clouded by everything else and I think I see that, although I probably didn't before posting.

But he shouldnt have been at work in the first place and she should have been at home not in the car with.me. I was supposed to be free to go that night but he books his work with no consideration for anything else. He doesnt check if we have childcare or if I am working. He just does what he needs to do and I have to take care of everything else.

How is it fair that I have to think of what to do all the time? If that had have been the other way round I would have had to help him and I would have without thinking. Even if I had to bullshit a little bit to get out of work, I'd have done it.

How does his work get to trump everything else? He does these 10 hour shifts plus 30 mins lunch, plus an hour each way drive for a third of what I can earn in a normal working day, yet his career is still prioritised. And at the same time I am still expected to earn enough.

He is never there. I look after our daughter and when she goes to bed I carry on working then I am up with her in the night. I have asked him time and time again to stop working every day, we dont need the money, i can earn more in less.time. ive begged him to do something to give me some respite but after a couple of weeks, he does it again. He'd rather work than be a family because he can't deal with how having a baby has changed our lives ( is apparently what he told his counsellor )

He wants to give it another chance, but I am completely done. I feel like I've got nothing left. I told him I went to the doctors becuase I was so depressed. He just nodded and never asked me about it again.

I wanted to post about this because its the thing that he keeps focussing on. That I'm a terrible for splitting up over this, he forgets about all the other stuff. I thought this incident stood up better on its own anyway, that's backfired a little bit but I dont suppose it matters. Thank you

I wouldn't have pulled the friend from her evening. I'd have just made it home TBH

I'd certainly not have expected some date of my friends to drive a vom filled car all the way home

Even the title of your post is dramatic! You weren’t stranded. You weren’t in a less than ideal situation but imo it wouldn’t constitute an emergency where I would expect my dh to leave his work or involve 2 friends.
I would hate to be in a car filled with vomit but I’d have headed straight home and sorted it out there, all the shopping for nappies and baby groes and having baths seems a bit much, why didn’t you just head straight home.

There must be more to this.

Imagine this written from your friend’s point of view; about to have a romantic evening with her partner when you rock up with a sickly baby - a bath was needed, and she went for nappies and a babygro, and then drove you home with her partner driving your stinky car..

I guess we don't know if your DP gets several calls like this or this is the first ever SoS

Sounds like you need some childcare in place for when you are working from home though.

If we, as women, constantly cope no matter what the situation, then what possible reason would our partners have for helping?
Parenthood should be a partnership. It shouldn't be one person having to do every single thing by themselves with no help.
Which is what it sounds like the opportunity has been doing.

You see, the context makes a huge difference. Had you told us he'd chosen to work when he didn't have to, and put you in the spot, you'd have had very different responses.

So you took the presumably vomit covered car seat from the vomit car and put it in your friends car to drive home.

Totally dramatic

and I'd send your friend some flowers or something

I fully understand OP. I've been there trying to do everything, keeping the plates spinning and running on empty.

When I made my phone call my DP came home and we are still together. Little things, single incidents can sum up a relationship and this incident was the metaphorical straw on the camels back.

He made his choice and now you make yours.

This thread is really depressing. The husband works 6 or 7 days a week and the OP sounds like she's working and looking after the baby.

I think we've all had those "explosive" parenting moments and if you had a team of 50 people it still might not feel enough. There's no way to comfortably put a baby back into a filthy vomited car seat and know you're doing the right thing.

As another poster says above, it depends on the day. You asked for help because you needed it. He said no. All the posters saying you wouldn't ask - fine. But presumably you would hope that if you did ask your partner for help that he would say yes. I've had days where I could take my son to a neurologist by myself and other days where I found simply walking downstairs stressful enough to induce a panic attack. I have a partner who will talk through with me and doesn't feel like what he thinks about a situation is more important than how I feel about it.

I'd be really cross too, and I do agree with @moussemoose .

I think one adult should be able to cope with one child. Puking or Poorly.

I don't blame you for leaving.

'But he shouldnt have been at work in the first place and she should have been at home not in the car with.me. I was supposed to be free to go that night but he books his work with no consideration for anything else. He doesnt check if we have childcare or if I am working. He just does what he needs to do and I have to take care of everything else.'

This is the problem here

Not the vomiting baby.

@crunchtime makes an excellent point "If we, as women, constantly cope no matter what the situation, then what possible reason would our partners have for helping?"

And if we as women boast how we always cope then we are not helping each other and in the end ourselves. I can normally cope, sometimes I failed to cope over little things and I needed help.

I needed to ask for help and I got it. Looking back I shouldn't have had to ask it should have been obvious but we have worked through that.

Being a parent and a partner is all about help and support all the time not just when it is convenient.

Well it sounds like you have good reasons for resenting him and ending things, other posters were right in guessing this was the final straw.
It sounds like between your income and his CMS contribution you might be able to afford decent childcare and some help in the house, I hope so, it would transform your life.
Your situation would infuriate me too. Why do some men think having a baby should make no difference to their lives? He is focusing on the ridiculousness of this being the trigger to end thing because it is a bit of a weak point, but the rest of the story isn’t so just redirect to that,
Good luck!

She went out because a client had an urgent problem and she didn't have a choice! She was doing what was necessary for her business. Just as her dh was. Only difference is that she had to deal with an ill child too.

Ffs I am a working single parent. When with exh I was the main earner. Fuck off with the assumption that women's opinions must be because they think the man is so much more important.

I wouldn't have come home for this. Neither would have exh. Neither one of us would ask either. Especially if the situation was caused by the others work decisions.

I have an opinion which as valid as anyone else's. Making out it's because we must think men and their jobs are more important makes you look like a twat trying to shut any discussion down, if it doesn5 agree with yours.

Sorry OP I've just read your last post a bit late. I don't blame you at all for your thoughts.

It's really fucking hard to be the default parent and to know that there is no shared mental parenting. The fact he can swan off to work without considering what happens to his daughter is something you can never do, he sounds really thick headed if he doesn't understand that's hurtful and he keeps taking up extra shifts.

That he never spoke to you about how well you were coping after your doctors appointment really is unforgivable.

I've only come across your thread now and only read your update.
I think you're doing the right thing. I hope he finds a way to prioritise his child on his time.
But this is not a partner.

He does these 10 hour shifts plus 30 mins lunch, plus an hour each way drive for a third of what I can earn in a normal working day, yet his career is still prioritised.

Well that puts a different slant on it, to be sure. You probably will be better off alone, and paying for child-care that you can depend on.