Stranded wife and pukey baby - what should he have done?

[HenriettaSmalltrousers]

NC for this as I'd like to get opinions on this situation at face value, without any other details I may have posted in the past influencing opinions.

DH self employed but does very regular shifts for an organisation about an hours drive from home.
Im also self employed but I pretty much look after our DD and the house singlehandedly as he works usually 6/7 days a week.

So when this incident happened I'd been on my own with DD (14 mths) at home. A client called with an urgent problem. I felt like I had no choice but to put DD, who was in her pyjamas and about to go to bed, in the car with her blankets and drive to deliver something to a town about 40 mins from home and 40 mins from where DH was working.

All went fine until after the delivery was made and we had set off for home when DD woke up and started vommiting. I cleaned her up as best I could, changed her and when I thought she'd stopped being sick, i set off again trying to get back as quickly as I could.

But then she started again. I've never seen so much vomit and she was in such a state. I called a friend who lived in the town who put a romantic meal with her boyfriend on hold to help. She went for nappies and a new babygro while the boyfriend helped me run a bath etc.

I called DH to tell him what had happened. DD was still poorly and upset, my car was swimming in puke and i was covered in it. I didnt feel like I could put her back in the back of the car on her own. I was upset too by this point. It had been a tough couple of weeks and I'd had eniugh, I just wanted some support. He said he'd come when he finished in 3 hours but he wouldnt ask to finish early as it wasn't a proper emergency and it would look bad. He was genuinely surprised I expected him to and thought it was asking too much. I felt he'd been working with these people long enough to explain we were stranded and DD ill and ask if he could go for a couple of hours.

In the end, friend drove me and DD home while her boyfriend drove my car behind. I text DH and told him what was happening and asked again if he would try and come. TBH, although friend and BF were lovely I felt we were inconveniencing them a lot and got the distinct impression they felt he should be the one helping us.

What do you think? Should he have come? Is it something I should be able to ask him to do or was I putting him in a difficult compromising position?

😂😂😂 great gift!

It is, but perhaps dinner in a romantic restaurant would be better.

Still, perhaps you'll have occasion to proper repay them when they have their own kids.

You may as well be single and should point this out to him. It's not about whether or not this particular incident required him it's that you felt it did, asked for help and didn't get it. If this is typical of your marriage you are right to be upset, very upset.

Oh and I would never continue to drive with a vomiting child (barring motorways).

what a difference the context makes. YABVU without the backstory.

With context, you’re doing the right thing. Best of luck for your future

When you hear the whole picture then no I don't think you sound unreasonable to leave him. Sounds like he can't handle the fact you earn more and is trying to put you in your place by never helping ensuring you stay at home minding the baby and not able to work and therefore earn as much.

If you split up you will at least get a couple of days respite a week. I'd also think about putting her in nursery a couple of days to allow you to work.

I got her a bottle of gin and a mgic tree air freshener

Amazing gift

I cannot believe how many people would just push on alone, regardless with an ill small child in the back by herself, who is repeatedly vomiting and distressed. It's a massive choking hazard not to mention extremely distressing for the child. The OP did entirely the correct thing to stop when it was safe to do so, and to seek some back-up.

Such a shame that the one person who should have come running (and who should never have been at work that day anyway) didn't bother his arse.

He sounds like an absolute waste of space OP. I doubt you will even notice he's gone if you do follow through on your threat to have him leave.

She does two days nursery but he completely, flat out refuses to consider the idea she does anymore.

Even with him working that much, we couldn't live off it with our current wages so I need to work as much as I can too.

It's hard though. I'd work until after she'd gone to bed until 12/1am, she'd still wake up a few times a night. He'd say he didn't hear her at night. It was like he'd play dead. If I happened to be asleep when he came in, he'd do things to wake me up.
If I took her out for the day while he was at work (which is pretty much anyday) he'd moan about the unfairness of it. If he ever did take a day off, he'd be too exhauseted from working all the time to 'help' me. If I asked for him to be home so I could go to the gym or to see friends, he'd kick off because if he's at home we should be spending.time together as a family.

It's like he was using her to keep me prisoner?

Now we've split he wants 50/50? Or says if I want to work so much, he'll quit working and take tax credits and be the resident parent. Suddenly, he's able to be at home. Then when I disagree with that tells me my 'reason for splitting' (vommit-gate) is crazy and we should try again and have another baby!!

Obviously, I'm standing firm, I'm not giving in. Im questioning myself sometimes though.

OP if you hadnt left him I would be telling you too. You are well out of it he sounds awful

He sounds controlling. You're better off without him.

OP, find yourself a shit hot lawyer. Start the process. Tell your solicitor exactly what your child’s current routine is and based on that offer your stbxh what would be best for your child in terms of contact.

Of course he wants to now be a SAHP, he knows exactly which side his bread is buttered, you’ll be paying for him to ignore your dc if he’s a SAHP.

Also if he’s this shit right now he isn’t magically going to change into the perfect parent when you divorce.

Wow he sounded bad before, but OMG he sounds awful, controlling and EA. He would rather work you into the ground than actually be a parent.

Of course he said he’d go for 50/50....and then be the resident parent. It’s another way to beat you into submission and what abusers do to keep you in tow.

I would leave your property taking DD with you.

Now we've split he wants 50/50?

Well, that would mean no child maintenance, so maybe that is where he is coming from. The more you tell us, the worse he sounds. Who is he to make so many decisions unilaterally?

Oh OP that sounds an awful situation to be in. Parenting a toddler is hard enough as it is let alone when you're carrying the full mental load. Surely it makes more financial sense for you to work full time and he work part time around your hours if you're the main earner? Or is his pride coming into play here? You are buckling under the strain and rightly feeling resentful. If he can't see that, I don't know what your answer is other than to walk away . I hope your LO is better now.

find yourself a shit hot lawyer X 100

This guy is a cocklodger of the highest order get rid of him ASAP.

He sounds awful. Even from your OP he sounded awful.

Your DD is 14 months. Presumably this was the first time you'd called him at work to ask him to come home and help? Once in 14 months. Less than once a year. It doesn't matter what the circumstances were, YANBU.

When I was pregnant he wanted to be SAHD but when DD was born he changed his mind.

She does two days nursery but he completely, flat out refuses to consider the idea she does anymore.

That's very unreasonable, especially since he was insisting that you did the childcare (instead of using a nursery). Isn't it strange how you often get threads on MN about couples deciding that the wife should give up / cut down on hours because the husband earns more. But when the wife earns more, the same logic doesn't seem to apply?

God he sounds bloody awful. I’m sorry vomit-gate was the straw that broke the camels back, but it seems you’re well out of it.

If you can bear to, push for 50/50. It'll be good career wise and a total eye opener for dick head. No CMS to deal with either.

Oh dear. I am completely phobic about V. But I would (and did, when my DC were younger) have just hyperventilated and got on with it. I wouldn't have involved friends, for fear that they might catch a bug (I would not thank anyone who involved me in their DC's v-bug). Mine always seemed to get these bugs when XH was working away. Sod's law. His absence also coincided with the arrival of massive spiders (my other phobia). I think he deliberately arranged it.

He sounds like a seriously controlling jackass who was indeed using the baby to keep you trapped there ... and now he's suggesting you have another one with him? When he does fuck all now, but doesn't allow you to utilize enough childcare to cover your working hours?

He is deranged.

Husband should have come to help you and been worried enough to leave work early. I would have powered on home if I could to get her in a bath and PJs and her own bed where she's comfortable. I can understand why you stopped at friends but this would just have delayed her getting home to be unwell and relax. You are lucky to have such good friends to help you in that situation. I would be rather upset and dissapointed in my hubby if he couldn't see how much you needed his help and he wasn't worried about getting home to help. Maybe speak with him on how it made you feel and what his thoughts were on the situation

Lol at him now wanting to be a sahd. Of course he does, he’s bricking himself about how much his life is going to change. He’s going to be skint by the look of it. Good on you for not falling for this crap. And if you think 50/50 is a bad idea because he doesn’t look after your dd, don’t agree to this. She’s very little and it sounds as though his decision is only about money, not your dds wellbeing.

When I posted upthread about a vomiting baby, I hadn’t thought about a rear facing seat. To be clear, I would only have considered continuing driving if I could see my child’s face. I suppose the only other option would have been to put the car seat in the front but I know that’s also not safe unless you can disengage the airbag.

There's no way a judge will award residency to a man who's been working 7/7 and even failed to attend to a sick child.
But I doubt he'll even really want two days a week. He wouldn't know what to do.
Stand your ground.

My DH has come home from working the other end of the country because I needed him to. Just like I’d do the same. We’re partners in parenting DD. And like you I work and deal with DD alone because DH works away and off shifts. He knows if I ask for help it’s not done lightly.

What you have is a man child. YANBA to ask him to come help and you are definitely not unreasonable to LTB.

Seriously you’ll be much better off without him emotionally than you are with him. He isn’t a partner in any sense of the word.

You know deep down he won’t want 50/50 he’s trying to scare you into coming back. Why would he suddenly step up and be a parent now when he hasn’t before!