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Original poster

Stranded wife and pukey baby - what should he have done?

200 replies

HenriettaSmalltrousers · 30/09/2018 08:49

NC for this as I'd like to get opinions on this situation at face value, without any other details I may have posted in the past influencing opinions.

DH self employed but does very regular shifts for an organisation about an hours drive from home.
Im also self employed but I pretty much look after our DD and the house singlehandedly as he works usually 6/7 days a week.

So when this incident happened I'd been on my own with DD (14 mths) at home. A client called with an urgent problem. I felt like I had no choice but to put DD, who was in her pyjamas and about to go to bed, in the car with her blankets and drive to deliver something to a town about 40 mins from home and 40 mins from where DH was working.

All went fine until after the delivery was made and we had set off for home when DD woke up and started vommiting. I cleaned her up as best I could, changed her and when I thought she'd stopped being sick, i set off again trying to get back as quickly as I could.

But then she started again. I've never seen so much vomit and she was in such a state. I called a friend who lived in the town who put a romantic meal with her boyfriend on hold to help. She went for nappies and a new babygro while the boyfriend helped me run a bath etc.

I called DH to tell him what had happened. DD was still poorly and upset, my car was swimming in puke and i was covered in it. I didnt feel like I could put her back in the back of the car on her own. I was upset too by this point. It had been a tough couple of weeks and I'd had eniugh, I just wanted some support. He said he'd come when he finished in 3 hours but he wouldnt ask to finish early as it wasn't a proper emergency and it would look bad. He was genuinely surprised I expected him to and thought it was asking too much. I felt he'd been working with these people long enough to explain we were stranded and DD ill and ask if he could go for a couple of hours.

In the end, friend drove me and DD home while her boyfriend drove my car behind. I text DH and told him what was happening and asked again if he would try and come. TBH, although friend and BF were lovely I felt we were inconveniencing them a lot and got the distinct impression they felt he should be the one helping us.

What do you think? Should he have come? Is it something I should be able to ask him to do or was I putting him in a difficult compromising position?

OP posts:
Mrsharper88 · 30/09/2018 09:47

Sounds like a horrible situation but not an emergency at all. To be honest I'm surprised you even called your friends away from a romantic meal to help, I would have just driven straight home and sorted it out then and there. I've been in situations far worse than this and not expected DP to leave work as it's not an emergency.

I am guessing that there is a much bigger picture to this that you haven't shared and that's why this feels significant to you.

Hope baby is ok now xx

viques · 30/09/2018 09:47

I had so much sympathy for you because I thought you were going to say the car broke down/ran out of petrol/ threw a puncture and you were actually stranded .

But you weren't, instead you escalated a drama into a crisis, demanded that everyone else put their life on hold and didn't concentrate on the important thing which was getting home.

Moussemoose · 30/09/2018 09:48

fussygalore118 thanks for that insight and the helpful comments.

I take it from your tone you never need help and you never breakdown. You are always reasonable and calm and would never dream of giving an over the top response because you lost your temper.........Hmm

Cambionome · 30/09/2018 09:49

Put this particular incident to one side, but look carefully at the balance (or lack of) in your relationship.

If he is leaving the majority of the childcare and housework to you then you need to have a serious talk with him. It sounds a bit as if he is unaware/uncaring of how much you have on your plate...? Sort this out now, or resentment will grow...

BitOutOfPractice · 30/09/2018 09:49

I don’t think you needed to get DH to leave work but my guess is that this is a straw / camels back moment with your lazy arsed disengaged husband

Help201602 · 30/09/2018 09:51

I’m with the majority, it was not an emergency so your husband was right to stay at work. New situations can be scary with a young child but with more experience you will be better equipped to cope. Don’t be to hard on him.

jackio2205 · 30/09/2018 09:51

Tough one, everyone has their limits, but I don't think this was an emergency as such. Bloody stressful and something that had to be done, and you would have needed wine at the end of the day for suuuuure, but not someone to leave work I dont think.

I think your partner should maybe have brought u home flowers, run u a bath, looked after u in a time of stress, but leaving work, prob not.
Sounds like the issue may be that you think he works too much and are using this as an example that he wouldnt have to deal with all these situations, so may be have a chat about how he can have more of a work life balance? Xxxxx

Haireverywhere · 30/09/2018 09:53

Sounds rough OP. But I think it was unreasonable to expect him to leave work in this situation (just as I wouldn't expect a mum to have to drop work or plans for a vomit or poo explosion and non emergency like this).

I do think you should have a chat about how you're feeling generally if you don't think he's pulling his weight as your post suggests there are bigger issues.

Originallymeonly · 30/09/2018 09:53

Look on the bright side OP, when you decide you've had enough and kick him out, you'll be used to doing it all yourself and his visitation days will be a nice break.

FanciedAChangeToday · 30/09/2018 09:53

I was just going to put exactly what viques said . Stranded in your book OP is very different to mine. You really needed 4 adults to help a poorly baby??? Even 3 was overkill.

You were panicking I totally understand, but to just soldier on with your journey would have made sense, not stop at a friends, clean and bath your child Hmm and got the friend to drive you home and the bf to drive your pukey stinky car??? They are really good friends

BewareOfDragons · 30/09/2018 09:54

I think you should have just powered on in dealing with it. And I hope you send your two friends out to dinner on you for stopping everything to help you out.

It does sound, though, like the real problem is you and your DH are both self employed, but you have the 'honour' of doing all the baby lifting and house lifting as well. If that is what's happening, then that needs to be addressed ... it shouldn't all fall to you. He should be doing his share of it all.

swg1 · 30/09/2018 09:55

Honestly depends on the amount of puke and age of the child.

A little bit of sick and child old enough to understand how to hold and puke into a bowl? Yeah okay, that's copeable. But I remember when we discovered my one year old couldn't have eggs. He was vomiting more than I swear he'd ever eaten. It was like the exorcist. And understandably he was distressed (I would have been distressed and I'm an adult!) No way would I have kept driving rather than stopping to comfort him, and no way could I have resumed driving without someone in the back with him.

crunchtime · 30/09/2018 09:56

The issue isn't that the opening needed help mopping up. Why are you all focusing on that?
The point was the child was actively vomiting in the back of the car while the op was driving and that's just not safe. What if the child had choked?
The op needed another adult to either drive while she sat with the child while she puked or the opposite.
I would have phoned my dh in the same circumstances op. I don't think yabu at all.

It always amazes me how many women on here are just superheroes and can cope with absolutely anything by themselves.

wombat1a · 30/09/2018 09:56

All sounds a bit mad to me, you could have driven home far quicker than it would have taken for him to get to you. Then what? Does he carry all the spare stuff in his car that you needed? Then what leave one car 40mins from home so that all three of you travel in one car? Honestly sounds like you have decided to make a mountain out of a mole hill.

adaline · 30/09/2018 09:57

The OP does the vast majority of childcare and is struggling after "a tough couple of weeks". She wanted help and support.

But sometimes that's not always available straight away. Lots of people work in jobs they can't just walk out of at the drop of a hat. I vividly remember getting a stomach bug at school when I was about 8 - I was horribly sick everywhere and felt awful. School rang my parents but it was 2-3 hours before my mum managed to re-arrange things to be able to pick me up. I remember being really upset because I had to stay at school and I remember shouting at my mum for not coming to get me earlier.

But now? I get it. She had a job she couldn't just walk out of because I'd been sick. She knew I was being taken care of and I was safe. Presumably OP's husband knew the same - that it wasn't an emergency and that his daughter was safe with her mum.

DisneyMice · 30/09/2018 09:58

Sounds awful OP.
I'm in the minority here by the looks of it, but I would hope your DH would come. Or at least talk you through it so that you were calm with some useful suggestions.

It's stressful driving with a distressed child, in the dark, on your own, plus the worry of more vomiting whilst driving. I wouldn't be a safe driver in that situation. And it's difficult to think logically when in this situation!

Your friend lovely to have helped out. Choccies and a bunch of flowers for them!

Presumably it's not something that you ask very often so I would have hoped he would have come for a one off nightmare. Unless he had some pressing deadline, he should have come. My own DH would have.

adaline · 30/09/2018 09:59

The point was the child was actively vomiting in the back of the car while the op was driving and that's just not safe. What if the child had choked?

OP could have gotten a taxi. Or waited with her child until her husband could get out of work. It's not an ideal situation but it also wasn't an emergency that needed both parents.

CashewNut11 · 30/09/2018 10:01

Sounds like there's other stuff going on here OP

I mean we all have days when 'a broken nail' is the end of the world and other days when the house can burn down and you just carry on.

In that situation if you'd been able to step back a bit you'd have seen inconvenience not catastrophe.

It sounds like you're a bit 'shredded'. Can you have a chat with your partner? Will he be supportive? Or is he equally strung out? Would acknowledging that you're both up against it at the moment help?

Flowers
adaline · 30/09/2018 10:01

What are all these jobs where people can just walk out at a moments' notice? I'd love to know.

If you're self-employed, presumably you need to look reliable, which means not walking out at a moment's notice when it's not an emergency. I know, for example, I'm in a job where I'm sometimes the only key holder in the business that day. I couldn't just walk out and go and help my partner - I'd need to ring another manager to come in (on their days off) to cover me, so I wouldn't do it unless it was an absolute emergency because otherwise it takes the piss a little bit.

Where are all these jobs where people can just leave, no questions asked, at the drop of a hat?

crunchtime · 30/09/2018 10:02

Got a taxi? Are you shitting me? How many taxis will allow a puking passenger?
Or she should have waited three hours roadside, in the dark, with a very small, puking child?
Come off it!

CottonSock · 30/09/2018 10:03

Your friends sound like saints. I would never inflict a potential vom bug on my friends!

Juells · 30/09/2018 10:06

All you posters who cope all the time in every situation and never need help can you just try and empathise with those of us who sometimes need a little help.

It isn't just about that, and quite a few of us here (I suspect) have been left in the lurch by a partner who didn't do his share. But why go out at night with a baby! to deliver something 40 minutes away? That also means that the OP's husband is working shifts.

The OP made a bad choice to go out at night with a baby
Bad choice to expect partner to leave work
Bad choice to crash into friend's house with vomit-covered baby and ruin the friend's night

We only ever see one side of a situation here. For all we know the OP could be a right drama llama.

mothersanonymous · 30/09/2018 10:06

Also boggling at the idea of involving the poor friend. First rule with puking child - the fewer people in contact the better. Also she's probably been put off ever having children for life.

crunchtime · 30/09/2018 10:10

She went out because a client had an urgent problem and she didn't have a choice! She was doing what was necessary for her business. Just as her dh was. Only difference is that she had to deal with an ill child too.
But god forbid that her dh should have to do anything other than his job. We all know mens work is far more important v than women's. Let's face it...ms he is probably only doing it for pin money so she came buy new lipsticks. [Hmm]

LightDrizzle · 30/09/2018 10:13

In reply to previous poster, I don’t think DD was still vomiting as she was driven in friend’s clean car with OP while friend’s bf drove the OP’s vommy car back. OP says DD was still poorly but doesn’t say she was vomiting.
Very unpleasant for both OP and particularly her DD but I’d have cleaned up as best I could, stopped with the door open until she was stable and then driven straight home reassuring her from the front. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to rope in a friend with other plans, particularly given the vomit, a lot of people gag and vomit themselves at the smell of vomit, as a parent or hcp you lump it, but I wouldn’t inflict it on friends.