Stranded wife and pukey baby - what should he have done?

[HenriettaSmalltrousers]

NC for this as I'd like to get opinions on this situation at face value, without any other details I may have posted in the past influencing opinions.

DH self employed but does very regular shifts for an organisation about an hours drive from home.
Im also self employed but I pretty much look after our DD and the house singlehandedly as he works usually 6/7 days a week.

So when this incident happened I'd been on my own with DD (14 mths) at home. A client called with an urgent problem. I felt like I had no choice but to put DD, who was in her pyjamas and about to go to bed, in the car with her blankets and drive to deliver something to a town about 40 mins from home and 40 mins from where DH was working.

All went fine until after the delivery was made and we had set off for home when DD woke up and started vommiting. I cleaned her up as best I could, changed her and when I thought she'd stopped being sick, i set off again trying to get back as quickly as I could.

But then she started again. I've never seen so much vomit and she was in such a state. I called a friend who lived in the town who put a romantic meal with her boyfriend on hold to help. She went for nappies and a new babygro while the boyfriend helped me run a bath etc.

I called DH to tell him what had happened. DD was still poorly and upset, my car was swimming in puke and i was covered in it. I didnt feel like I could put her back in the back of the car on her own. I was upset too by this point. It had been a tough couple of weeks and I'd had eniugh, I just wanted some support. He said he'd come when he finished in 3 hours but he wouldnt ask to finish early as it wasn't a proper emergency and it would look bad. He was genuinely surprised I expected him to and thought it was asking too much. I felt he'd been working with these people long enough to explain we were stranded and DD ill and ask if he could go for a couple of hours.

In the end, friend drove me and DD home while her boyfriend drove my car behind. I text DH and told him what was happening and asked again if he would try and come. TBH, although friend and BF were lovely I felt we were inconveniencing them a lot and got the distinct impression they felt he should be the one helping us.

What do you think? Should he have come? Is it something I should be able to ask him to do or was I putting him in a difficult compromising position?

It’s not ‘every single time’ tho is it? This one incident was out of the ordinary and not one where op felt she could cope alone. In this instance the H should Have left work and gone to help.

Hello OP,

Your marriage sounds incredibly lonely and whether this particular scenario represents it or not is irrelevant.

It's completely unfair of your DH to treat you this way - it sounds like your a single working mum anyway...

Maybe the fear of losing you might help shock him into action - but if I were in your shoes I'd definitely be making moves to separate rather than stay and be treated this way.

Big hugs OP to you, have you support in RL - Mum, Siblings? Can you get a rest?

Xx

If I was at the end of my rope and needed help, then yes, I'd expect my partner to accept that and come and help rather than pass opinions on whether it was really an emergency.

If the baby was the kind of ill that justified a trip to the hospital, I’d have expected your DH to come out. But as it wasn’t, I think you overreacted. It’s just a bit of vomit. You should have just driven home and not even bothered your friends let alone your DH.

Additionally, on the limited information we have in your post, I think you’re being unreasonable to complain that he prioritised work over your kid, when you did exactly the same thing. You dragged a tired (and seemingly ill) baby out so that you could meet a client.

You do sound as though you need support from your dh, however I don’t think this situation warranted him coming home early from work.

When you say you were stranded I thought you meant the car had broken down. I think you were over reacting a tad and in your shoes I’d have just dealt with it. It’s not present but it wasn’t an emergency either. I’m not sure you needed to involve your friends either.

angelf1sh my reading is he knew she had to work that day with an important client but still went into work that day leaving the OP doing childcare and no choice. IF she didnt go she would lose a client

BECAUSE SHE HAD TO MEET THE CLIENT! SHE WAS ON CALL! HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LOOKING AFTER THE BABY BECAUSE SHE WAS WORKING!!!
FFS-I WISH PEOPLE WOULD READ THE FUCKING POSTS PROPERLY!

I’ve now read the full thread, my original comment was based on the first post. Tbh I stand by it, you overreacted. I can see from your update that your DH acted like a shit by leaving you with childcare when he was supposed to be doing it not you, but I still think you overreacted to want 4 adults to look after one baby.

If the OP earns more for fewer hours, can he not stay at home and she works more hours perhaps?

I think the OP has already had that particular discussion, with no success.

I don't think he should've left work and come. I also would've just continued and driven home. After all, what exactly would he do? Leave his car there?

As for the doing everything and prioritising his job over yours, you are in control of that. Don't allow it to happen.

You've said it's over anyway so look forward not back. And send your friends a thank you gift

But he shouldnt have been at work in the first place and she should have been at home not in the car with.me. I was supposed to be free to go that night but he books his work with no consideration for anything else. He doesnt check if we have childcare or if I am working. He just does what he needs to do and I have to take care of everything else.

In which case your DH is a massive massive arsehole.
The puking kid is a red herring, the vomit covered icing on top of the shit cake if you will (sorry...)

Put your foot down, tell him shape up or fuck off. Perhaps in nicer terms if you like (I wouldn't but...)

You sound thoroughly frustrated and massively pissed off as you should. Sure, vomiting child doesn't require 4 people to deal with but that's not what the issue is. The issue is your husband being an inconsiderate dickbag.

Angelf1sh the OP didn't want or need four adults to look after the child. She wanted the child's father to take his share of the burden and to do what he had agreed to do.

That was quite clear.

Can you not see there is a big difference between overreacting and reaching the end of your tether.

Those pps suggesting they would happily drive for 40 minutes, in the dark, on their own, with a baby vomiting in their car seat - don't you think the choking hazard alone is an issue? Let alone the stress of being in this situation (emergency dash to work, 2nd giant vomit, very distressed child, no ability to clean up at all, worrying about anither vomit) making the mum less of a safe driver?

Sorry to read your update OP and how this incident was the proverbial straw. As a PP says, regardless of whether you overreacted, it's perfectly OK to have whatever reasons for leaving after trying to work on your marriage with DH. Did you try marriage counselling already?

You only need to justify leaving to yourself and your kids one day possibly. If you have been asking DH to work on issues or else you'll need to split, he has had his opportunity to save the marriage. If you didn't communicate about the seriousness of the issues, he'll be blindsided I guess.

Best of luck it's not easy.

How depressing. He doesn't see himself as part of the family, just carries on as if he were single and doesn't factor in your or your DD's needs.

I don't blame you.

you overreacted to want 4 adults to look after one baby.
She NEVER WANTED 4 ADULTS TO LOOK AFTER ONE BABY
-she wanted her husband to leave the work he had promised NOT to do that night so he could fo childcare to come help her in a stressful situation when she was at the end of her tether.

• she dropped in at her friends, after calling , to try and clean up a little and see if dd had actively stopped puking .
• friend happened to be having dinner with boyfriend, hence 3 adults.
• friend offered to help further with getting home
• if stbxh had turned up as asked op would have profusely thanked friend and left with just the two parents to care for dd.
• I think friend recognises ops partner is a waste of space as far as having a family goes, and I’m sure op was grateful.

Having read the OP and the update I would say that it probably would have been best if you had just got home asap after clearing up the worst of the vomit. I have had to deal with a car sick toddler many times and just opened the window. I would also have been a bit worried about passing a sickness bug on to your friends. Presumably you were no longer than 40 minutes away.

I think though that this is the straw that broke the camels back if your DH is generally unsupportive and even though you are both self employed and yours is the main income he makes arrangements ignoring childcare which really he should be playing an equal part in if you are both self employed. You would not have been in the position you were if your DH was at home looking after DD so I can fully understand why you felt in these circumstances you should call on him. I would not have wanted to wait around for him though so would not have bothered, just got home asap. It does sound though as if he is not much support to you so I think getting rid of him sounds like the best way to go.

I don't blame you at all OP for being done with this selfish man who will take no responsibility as a husband and a father.

Make a better life for yourself and your child without all the hassle of a single guy who just happens to be married and has a child.

You know full well that you can do absolutely everything 100 times better without him.

You’ve got 100% of the mental load OP and that’s why you feel this way. You’re broken and you’ve had enough and I don’t blame you at all. Good luck with whatever you decide to do next

Thanks for all your comments, especially to the ones who fought my corner a little bit. I appreciate I only posted part of the story in the OP and I'm sorry if that was annoying. I really did just want to find out initially what views were on that incident by itself.

I did say in my OP that I had already cleaned her up and carried on initially but then she just kept on being sick. She was also very distressed and I had run out of non-sick covered things to clean her up with. To those who still think I should have stopped being a drama llama and carried on, why would I when a close friend lived nearby and I could take her there to look after her properly and not leave her upset and poorly in the back of a smelly car? If I'd had to, I might have but I didn't need to.

My friend was brilliant, went to a supermarket and got clean stuff, let me use her bathroom, gave me one of her jumpers, understood I was reluctant to put her in the back of the car on her own. And yes I thanked her and yes, to the poster who said I should apologise to her, I did dozens of times, but she wouldn't hear it becuase she didn't need it. Thank goodness that SHE is my friend.

As for asking DH to come, part of the reason was because I knew my friend would come with me if he didnt and i thought I should ask him so as not to inconvenience her. And because from.what I understand of his position where he works, I genuinenly believed he would be able to ask.

Like I also said in the OP, it had been a.tough couple of weeks. I was knackered and I really wanted his support.

To the poster who said I went to meet a client with a sick baby, I didnt. It came on suddenly. Even thinking she was in good health, the decision to put her in the car wasnt made lightly. After working for a couple of weeks on something and something potentially going wrong felt like a lot of pressure. What if it meant I wouldnt get paid?

I'm finding it all a bit hard at the moment. As DD gets older, I am expected to pick up more work, yet she still needs looking after just as much, if not more with walking now etc, she still doesnt sleep much. Im probably a bit of a mess.

TBF to STBX he wanted to be the provider but the only way for him to do that is to work everyday. When I was pregnant he wanted to be SAHD but when DD was born he changed his mind.

There are many other contribiting factors to the split anyway. Thanks again

Op you’ve been given quite a hard time, I’ve got a Dd who is a few months younger than yours and if she vomited like you described I would have done exactly the same as you. Also, as PP have said she’s a baby (older but still a baby) and it would have been a choking bloody hazard.

It’s obvious that some PP have not really read your updates. Calling you a drama llama and saying you over reacted...WTF! Your DD ended up being hospitalised, so it was more than just a trivial sickness bug.

IMO, this incident was the straw that broke the camels back. What an arse he is....who agrees to not work so you can and then does anyway and then refuses to help his wife and daughter whilst being in the same area .

OP you did what you could and I hope you can work things out smoothly now as you juggle your baby and the split. Never easy.

HenriettaSmalltrousers

FWIW I think YANBU for several reasons. I also think you’ll find life gets much easier/mental health gets much better once you have reliable childcare in place.
I also personally would not consider reconciling.

I’m also a bit shocked people think it’s okay to strap a vomiting baby into a car seat unattended - it’s def a chocking hazard

Before I read this I thought you’d get mixed responses for a few reasons a big one being based on what jobs people/their partners do.
I’m guessing some people will get a disciplinary or similar for leaving a job midday.
In my office you would grab your laptop (maybe rearrange a meeting?) and off you go, no one cares as long as the job is done.

I’d still send the friend a present (gift voucher for a restaurant or something similar) she sounds wonderful and people like that are worth keeping close

I also dont think you were unreasonable. My dh would have definitely come. In fact this happened to us a while ago. We were at home but the hospital was a.distance away. My ds threw up violently and it terrified me. My dh came home and we rushed to the hospital and my ds was limp and dehydrated within 2 hours. He was admitted immediately. My point is if you felt your vomiting baby was not to be left alone that I'll during a 40 min car ride and your dh didnt want to come then its valid that you feel this way.

On the whole he sounds more of a negative in your life. You have amazing friends.

I got her a bottle of gin and a mgic tree air freshener