Stranded wife and pukey baby - what should he have done?

[HenriettaSmalltrousers]

NC for this as I'd like to get opinions on this situation at face value, without any other details I may have posted in the past influencing opinions.

DH self employed but does very regular shifts for an organisation about an hours drive from home.
Im also self employed but I pretty much look after our DD and the house singlehandedly as he works usually 6/7 days a week.

So when this incident happened I'd been on my own with DD (14 mths) at home. A client called with an urgent problem. I felt like I had no choice but to put DD, who was in her pyjamas and about to go to bed, in the car with her blankets and drive to deliver something to a town about 40 mins from home and 40 mins from where DH was working.

All went fine until after the delivery was made and we had set off for home when DD woke up and started vommiting. I cleaned her up as best I could, changed her and when I thought she'd stopped being sick, i set off again trying to get back as quickly as I could.

But then she started again. I've never seen so much vomit and she was in such a state. I called a friend who lived in the town who put a romantic meal with her boyfriend on hold to help. She went for nappies and a new babygro while the boyfriend helped me run a bath etc.

I called DH to tell him what had happened. DD was still poorly and upset, my car was swimming in puke and i was covered in it. I didnt feel like I could put her back in the back of the car on her own. I was upset too by this point. It had been a tough couple of weeks and I'd had eniugh, I just wanted some support. He said he'd come when he finished in 3 hours but he wouldnt ask to finish early as it wasn't a proper emergency and it would look bad. He was genuinely surprised I expected him to and thought it was asking too much. I felt he'd been working with these people long enough to explain we were stranded and DD ill and ask if he could go for a couple of hours.

In the end, friend drove me and DD home while her boyfriend drove my car behind. I text DH and told him what was happening and asked again if he would try and come. TBH, although friend and BF were lovely I felt we were inconveniencing them a lot and got the distinct impression they felt he should be the one helping us.

What do you think? Should he have come? Is it something I should be able to ask him to do or was I putting him in a difficult compromising position?

Actually your update highlights that your work should take priority. You earn a lot more in fewer hours. Childcare etc should be both your responsibilities.

I would have asked my DH to come home in a similar situation and have definitely done that before for my youngest DD when she puked at my eldest daughter's school -- although we were flying to Australia the next morning and I had two children to take care of and was still trying to pack for everyone. He had to leave an important meeting but thankfully his work were understanding.
Sometimes you need a bit of help, parenting is about being a team.

Context is everything though OP. If your relationship was completely trouble free and this incident happened then of course it would be crazy to break up over it or even to be too upset, but with everything else you describe in your update, it certainly sounds like the last straw.

You were supposed to be available to work that evening and he just went ahead and did his own thing, of course you'd be rightly so annoyed with him. It doesn't sound like a partnership.

A puking child in a car doesn't need another adult. And I certainly wouldn't be involving friends in it! What if the child had puked in your friend's car as well? What about the poor boyfriend driving the stinking pukey car?! They're exrtemely good friends you've got and I hope you were massively apologetic.

If we, as women, constantly cope no matter what the situation, then what possible reason would our partners have for helping?

They shouldn't be "helping". They should be sharing. And here lies the problem.
We all cope with our babies because we have to. The problem is when we are the default carer and anything else is "helping".
Like I wrote in my other post, that's not a life partner.

Dh and I were on a long journey when it happened with dd when she was a few months older. We just stopped and cleaned her up, checked and continued on.

I know we were together. But I’ve been alone with dd having seizures and ambulances coming on a few occasions. These are the type of emergencies to get your partner to come home for.

I understand you were distressed and I’m glad you had a friend to help.

In your situation I would have cleaned dd up and put my cost around her and use it as a cover to keep her warm and dry(er).

I have always had nappies (when needed) and spare clothes / blankets in the car. Maybe you could do the same?

Would it have possible for your client to collect this urgent thing for example?

At last the full story comes out.

Your update explains a lot but even from the OP YANBU.

A young child vomiting repeatedly in the back seat with no one to check on them could become dangerous. At best the driver would be distracted at worst the child could choke with no one to help quickly enough. An older child, vomiting once or twice and able to hold a bucket is one thing, a younger child vomiting large amount so and unable to sort themselves out is a different thing.

Even from the first post though it was obvious the DH fucks off to work because he does Important Manly Stuff, while the OP should quit whining and cope with a job and a sick child because she s a woman and that’s what we do.

If he never does anything, I think ending it is fair enough. This being the catalyst, is fair enough.

But your op doesn't paint that he went to work knowing you had this to do. You made out that it was a last minute emergency.

So back to the my point. You didnt need him there. In a decent marriage and partnership you would be unreasonable. It being the final straw is understandable. Especially since he put you in that situation.

I do think you may have a flare for the dramatic. Your op is dramatic. Missed out parts, that would have meant more people would have agreed with you. Like you wanted people on opposites sides.

Sorry I posted before I read the update otherwise I would have commented. In the wider context then he’s a complete arse. I’m sorry you’re struggling.

He sounds like an arse, not surprised you are leaving but bloody hell I hate threads like this. Context is everything here so many replies for what is half a fucking story.

I think your right to leave, the catalyst for the change as you describe in your later posts is more than valid. If you know the relationship cannot be fixed that’s enough. You don’t need a reason, your feelings have changed that’s enough. The situation you described initially maybe wouldn’t be so much of an issue to most of us but you are felling unsupported in general. Do what’s right for your health and your baby’s future, better to have a happy mum.

HenriettaSmalltrousers - I'm sorry to hear your relationship has broken down. The vomiting incident would probably have been the last straw for me, too. Once you were at your friend's house, I don't think she would have been put out any less having you wait there for your dh to appear and try to work out how to get your baby home without leaving random cars stuck on their drive, than doing what she did with her boyfriends help. However, that's not the point, really, as your dh should not have opted out of family life in the way he clearly has in the first place.

I just asked dp if he’d have corn to help me in your scenario. He said he would.

I’ve got a 16 month old and having her outing in the car whilst I tried to concentrate on driving home, just would not be doable for me. I would be terrified she was going to choke. I would not be able to cope under those circumstances at all.

But then dp adores dd and I wouldn’t have to plead with him to come home, for him (& me), this would count as an emergency.

I’m with you op. Quite shocked to read the other responses, it doesn’t sound like a little bit of being sick it sounds like your dd was seriously being sick. Might be influenced by the fact dd has a virus currently and has been projectile vomiting fountains of sick which has left me slightly traumatised too.

Right, so you are giving up on a marriage, and a marriage in which you have a child, over this?? It seems very workable if you both compromise. Have you been to Relate or similar?
Do you honestly think your situation will improve as a single parent? Whether or not it's you who is the one who looks after your child the most?

Really important to remember that the child in question is 14 months old...an actual baby. Not an older children capable of holding a bucket/puking on a towel.
There is no way you could keep driving while that was happening.

The other day I went out for lunch with my mum and the baby was fussy, then my card was declined, then I couldn't get the car seat out of the bloody buggy to get it back in the car, and I was running late for the health visitor.

Nothing serious or bad happened, I was just flustered and stressed.

I called my husband, and he calmed me down and I got on with it - I got the car seat back in the car, and made it to the health visitor.

But if I'd asked him to take a taxi across town to help me get the bloody car seat off of the buggy because I just COULDN'T today, he would have. He might not have liked it, he might not have thought it was a real emergency, but if I said I needed him he would trust my judgement of my own capabilities.

I'm glad you're LTB, OP. If the baby is your job and the house is your job and you have to actually bloody work as well, you may as well be a single parent and reduce the amount of laundry and emotional labour you have to do.

You need to get used to puking kids it happens all the time once they go to nursery, and no the working partner does t need to come home if there is a parent there already

Right, so you are giving up on a marriage, and a marriage in which you have a child, over this??

No, of course she's not! Have you not read her update?!?

SHE is the main earner, earning 3x as much as he does in a normal working day, while he earns 1/3 of what she does in a 12.5 hour day, including travelling.

HE books work whenever and wherever he feels like it, without ensuring he has childcare, just assuming OP will take care of it. Even though they don't need the money as it's not always worth his time compared to her working time.

SHE is left to deal with all the nightly wake ups, even though she's also working full time.

SHE is left to sort out all the childcare, even though she's also working full time.

SHE is left to deal with the household, even though she's also working...

Do you see how this incident was merely the final straw? HE was supposed to be with the child in the first place, but he booked a job and disappeared without any discussion, even though she had her own job to do. And her job makes them more income.

Of course he wants her to reconsider now ... he's lost his primary income, HERS, and his housekeeper. And now when he has his child he'll actually have to look after the child and his home himself, not dump it all on her.

I don't blame her for ending it at all.

I agree I wouldn't have expected my Dp to leave work.

My dp would have come. I’d not have driven with a small child puking badly in the back. And even if all I called him for was to come home and make me a cup of tea, if this was a lady straw moment and I and our child had been second to work many many times, I’d expect him to drop everything and come and make me tea. A reliable worker who never took other time off for his family will be forgiven by work.

I don’t blame you at all. I hope life is easier without him.

*last straw of course!

I think you overreacted to be honest. My son is the same age as your daughter, had I been in your situation i'd have just driven home and cleaned up there. The only situation I'd have dragged friends away from their romantic evening would have been if the baby was very young and I'd be worried about them choking on their sick in the back. At 14 months they can lift their head and their seat isn't quite as reclined as a smaller baby. I assume you have a baby mirror or a forward facing seat at her age so you can see them when you glance in your mirror.

I'm not surprised your friends seemed a bit annoyed, interrupting their evening. Also why on earth did you go in their car? Surely you'd have travelled in your own puke covered car? That really would have added insult to injury had your daughter puked all over their car!

People who slated the OP from the first post could also have read this bit, not complain for lack of context.

Im also self employed but I pretty much look after our DD and the house singlehandedly as he works usually 6/7 days a week.

A partner who works 6/7 days per week is not really a partner, is it?
For the sake of 3 hours and for a very sick baby (puking that much is not normal nor easily handled by only one person who's also driving) and he refused to even ask to leave?
Unless he was working in A&E and there was a sudden flood of very ill patients, he was very unreasonable.

I'm not surprised your friends seemed a bit annoyed, interrupting their evening

And yet the OP said it seemed to her that they felt he should be the one helping. But, of course, never mind words, we can make up anything up.