Stranded wife and pukey baby - what should he have done?

[HenriettaSmalltrousers]

NC for this as I'd like to get opinions on this situation at face value, without any other details I may have posted in the past influencing opinions.

DH self employed but does very regular shifts for an organisation about an hours drive from home.
Im also self employed but I pretty much look after our DD and the house singlehandedly as he works usually 6/7 days a week.

So when this incident happened I'd been on my own with DD (14 mths) at home. A client called with an urgent problem. I felt like I had no choice but to put DD, who was in her pyjamas and about to go to bed, in the car with her blankets and drive to deliver something to a town about 40 mins from home and 40 mins from where DH was working.

All went fine until after the delivery was made and we had set off for home when DD woke up and started vommiting. I cleaned her up as best I could, changed her and when I thought she'd stopped being sick, i set off again trying to get back as quickly as I could.

But then she started again. I've never seen so much vomit and she was in such a state. I called a friend who lived in the town who put a romantic meal with her boyfriend on hold to help. She went for nappies and a new babygro while the boyfriend helped me run a bath etc.

I called DH to tell him what had happened. DD was still poorly and upset, my car was swimming in puke and i was covered in it. I didnt feel like I could put her back in the back of the car on her own. I was upset too by this point. It had been a tough couple of weeks and I'd had eniugh, I just wanted some support. He said he'd come when he finished in 3 hours but he wouldnt ask to finish early as it wasn't a proper emergency and it would look bad. He was genuinely surprised I expected him to and thought it was asking too much. I felt he'd been working with these people long enough to explain we were stranded and DD ill and ask if he could go for a couple of hours.

In the end, friend drove me and DD home while her boyfriend drove my car behind. I text DH and told him what was happening and asked again if he would try and come. TBH, although friend and BF were lovely I felt we were inconveniencing them a lot and got the distinct impression they felt he should be the one helping us.

What do you think? Should he have come? Is it something I should be able to ask him to do or was I putting him in a difficult compromising position?

I guessed this was not really about the vomiting baby but part of a much bigger picture of disenchantment with him and his lack of contribution to family life in every level, exacerbated by general entitled arseholery.

He will not believe that you’re ending it. When he finally believes you, he will think you are the most U woman ever for overreacting to a single incident. He will conveniently forget all the other 100s of times he hasn’t been there because of his selfishness and self absorption

Well this is where context is so important, if you're coming at it from the angle that both incomes are vital and the dp is working because he has to, to keep them afloat, then asking him to leave wouldn't be reasonable.

When he works those hours for his own reasons, and unnecessarily, then it's a totally different story.

Context is important but it is interesting so many posters assumed his work was of vital importance and that the OP was being a 'bit silly'.

Now it turns out she earns more than him it's different.

She needed help for whatever reason. She does the vast majority of the childcare and was feeling shitty. She asked for help and he refused.

Bottom line he wasn't there when she needed him.

Seems to me OP you're better off without him, you can make arrangements you can trust and get on with your life. You deserve better.

What lovely friends you have

it is interesting so many posters assumed his work was of vital importance and that the OP was being a 'bit silly'.

Indeed.
For some reason a woman who singe handedly takes care of a 14 month old 6/7 days per week is likely to call her husband home to help with a sick child out of silliness. I'm sure this child had never been sick before and she just didn't know how to handle a bit of sick.

For me it's the assumption that both incomes are necessary and neither job is optional. I don't move in the sort of circles where both parents could afford to drop work for anything less than dc getting sirened into hospital.

What lovely friends you have

Yes. Hold on to friends and ditch the waste of space and time.

Yes dragons, I read the update before I posted. I still think divorce is a complete overreaction and premature.
If the OP earns more for fewer hours, can he not stay at home and she works more hours perhaps?
I don't believe in throwing away a marriage until every single last avenue has been explored I'm afraid and they don't seem to be at that point from what I have read.

My 16 month old is in a rear facing car seat, it’s recommended to keep them rear facing at least till 15 months, then you can have them front facing but it’s recomended to keep them rear facing longer as it’s safer.
Also when she’s unwell she’s not as able to move herself forward and her seat is more reclined and not sitting up completely.

I wouldn’t have coped, I’d have been terrified for my baby in op’s situation.

You do know you don’t have to justify to him that your reasons for breaking up are valid. This is a unilateral decision. He has clearly decided he can’t cope with being a parent and he won’t pay or arrange childcare to enable him to work. It is unreasonable behaviour.

I wouldn’t focus on or continue to debate the puking car ride issue with him. Btw it is a fairly outtimg incident that has caused a lot of debate. I would be worried that it gets picked up by the tabloids.

Tell him you can no longer parent this way and that you want to end the marriage. That will give you the freedom to sort out proper childcare and pursue your own career. Be prepared for his parenting to be minimal and as he is self employed not even financial.

He can be unhappy with your decision and he can be unhappy with your reasons. He can decide it was all about car puke if he wants. You are allowed to decide you want to leave without him accepting the reasons why.

There were compromises that could have been made to allow you both to work and parent. However the fact you haven’t been able to agree these is the problem. I really don’t see how you would be worse off.

He needs to change if he wants to stay in the marriage and you don’t need to get him to accept your reasons for wanting to leave. He didn’t care that you disagreed with his long hours and long week did he?

That’s it.

@catsize op said the DH chose to go to work that day, he was meant to be home looking after the baby leaving op free to work.

Catsize, I think the point is he won't stay at home to do his share of childcare etc, he chooses to work all hours, despite it not making economic sense for him to do so, and despite it leaving op up shit creek. Or puke creek. Basically he prefers work to family life.

Lweji

it is interesting so many posters assumed his work was of vital importance and that the OP was being a 'bit silly'.

No, I don’t think for a moment that his work is more important but I do think that it’s not a serious enough reason for him to leave that work
The child had a parent there already, she really didn’t need two

The child had a parent there already, she really didn’t need two

It's was the OP's judgement that she needed help from her husband. The judgement of someone who works a job and single handedly takes care of that child 6/7 days per week.

Why do you think your assessment is better than hers (who was there)?

If the OP earns more for fewer hours, can he not stay at home and she works more hours perhaps?

You may have read the update, but did you understand it?

OP you dont have to justify ending the relationship to anyone but its clear why and you dont have to give him another chance.

The fact is he still doesnt get it - he still doesnt get that at that moment you wanted him and needed him to be there - the fact you coped without him and many would not have even asked is immaterial. At that moment you wanted him to prioritise you and he didnt.

Tell him that - tell him it doesnt matter if it was reasonable or not you needed him and he was not there

Id dump a partner who worked 6/7 days a week and wouldnt even leave a bit early when I and our child were in a state and needed help, Whats the fucking point of that. Doesnt sound like its something you ask for all the time

OP I agree with you. She'd be violently sick, you were both covered and you were worried about her continuing to vomit for 40 minutes strapped in a car seat with you unable to get to her easily if she started to choke. He should have come.

I'd have called friend and gone to hers like you did and expected DH to come and meet us. Leave one car there, have one in the back with DD and get home.

Abd seeing your update, you know done is the right decision. It will be easily alone than with a man who doesn't want to be a father.

He's self employed so make sure you get evidence of earning for CMS so he doesn't get out of providing financially.

Good luck

I'm not surprised your friends seemed a bit annoyed, interrupting their evening
I'd put my friend's child's welfare over a meal and be glad she'd asked for help , but I'd be annoyed her father didn't even try to help.

But he shouldnt have been at work in the first place and she should have been at home not in the car with.me. I was supposed to be free to go that night but he books his work with no consideration for anything else. He doesnt check if we have childcare or if I am working. He just does what he needs to do and I have to take care of everything else.

This is unreasonable and horrible in itself. FWIW I don't think he needed to come out to you re the vomiting, but I don't think you need to 'prove' that he did either.

Definitely not a situation to leave work over.. had the situation been that baby was at nursery and you were both at work then fine, would have been reasonable that DH could go pick them up, or whoever it was most convenient for.

It's not nice but you can't expect there to be 2 of you there everytime DC is sick.

Op, I get it. If you are an accomplished woman then when you ask your partner for help...he should respond positively. Others are judging your coping skills but incidents are not black and white and context is very important. I believe you that it was a difficult situation and you needed help.

I think this example has showed how he invalidates your feelings and isn't willing to hear you. That is a good enough reason to leave.

If he has a good work record leaving for a few hours should have been ok, especially if he works 6 or 7 days as everyone will have some personal crisis at sometime.I don't buy that he couldn't leave...he chose not to support you.

On another post in Legal, NRP (mostly men) are arguing that women need to be financially responsible and not expect additional to CMS yet this example clearly highlights that until men step up and share 50% of parenting right from birth women will struggle to achieve financial equality.

The Op was working when this happened yet had to cover, why should she have to manage childcare emergencies when her H flatly refuses. He needs to step up or else she will be in a financially weak position and in a few years her Ex will be moaning about how much child support he has to pay.

I suspect your H is trying to avoid the workload of parenting and selfishly earn the maximum that he can so that he doesn't feel vulnerable. He can't do teamwork as his focus seems to be himself.

Your update makes complete sense to me. There was one incident that was the catalyst to me ending my marriage. As an isolated event it's unimportant, but it exemplified his entire attitude towards me and our family together, and I was done. You can't expect others to understand; and the fact that he doesn't either merely confirms your own feeling that he isn't listening to you

Obviously there's more to the story than the original post now I've read the rest of the thread but that was my opinion based on the first post only (as asked by OP).

A 1 Yr old vomiting at home doesn't require two parents. But a 1 Yr old vomiting profuselystrapped into a car seat where they can't get their head forward and thus being at greater risk of aspirating or choking? It isn't the same thing is it.