Experience of relationship counselling?

[Smozzles]

Howdy! So, my husband and I had our first session of marriage counselling. We're at two very different stages. I have one foot out of the marriage to be honest. He has a quick temper and it's not scary; just tiresome and counter-productive. I've lost a lot of affection for him as a result, even though I still love him and find him attractive...a bit complicated, I know.

After 1 long session (1.5 hours), I feel wrecked. I sort of feel, 'why should I have to undergo all this therapy when he is the one with the problem?' I know that sounds like I'm being a brat but I hope I'm not. I've been seeing an individual therapist for months and the therapist has been calling my husband verbally abusive. My husband says that's because it's totally one-sided and he's not hearing his side of the story. Meanwhile, when I told the marriage therapist that my husband shouts and curses at me, she said, 'and what do you do that's not healthy?' I answered the question honestly by saying I find it hard to let things go. I know therapists have to ascertain what they're dealing with but looking back on the session, I just feel enraged by that. I think my husband needs individual counselling, not marriage counselling.

I also feel depleted and exhausted. Have any of you had a positive outcome from couples' counselling? Do you see its worth?

Sorry can't help, going for our first session tomorrow, not sure what I expect but I do think the 'blame' will be shared.

I've had a similar experience. Councellor says we need to take equal responsibility for the dynamic. But I've never raged or been verbally aggressive. It's hard to accept it's my fault that I haven't been able to stop him.
Maybe you could try a different councellor? I think they don't want to be seen to take sides.

I've been. I was really keen to go but it was shite, sorry to say.

Yeah, I understand they try to be impartial but I just feel so angry. I'm starting to feel like it might be the thing that's pushing me out. I mean, we're debating how to get on and I feel like it just shouldn't be this flamin' hard. I'm fairly low on family so it feels lonesome to break up. I'm 38 years of age and have no children, so if I leave, I'll be sailing my ship alone.

It's hard isn't it. It's only right to accept that both sides play a role but when someone is verbally, mentally, physically abusive, is it fair to take equal blame. I think they feel that if you stay, you in some way perpetuate the dynamic.
Do you love him? Does he accept his abusive behaviour is wrong and is committed to change?

Btw, he'd get worse under the pressure of parenthood😕. Sorry, but extra stress usually worsens someone who can't 'self regulate' their emotions.

Well he has eventually agreed to marriage counselling after months of begging and me eventually saying that I think we'd have to get divorced otherwise. He's never admitted he has a temper but he didn't deny it when I said it in therapy. When I mentioned the cursing, he tried to make out it was just cursing at things. I pointed out that it's the cursing at me that bothers me. I don't know what I was expecting her to say but certainly not what she did.

Yeah maybe I've perpetuated it by staying all right. But blimey, some things aren't right, surely?

I was hoping she'd tell him he needed therapy! Maybe I need to be more patient but I'm already feeling like I want out...some of the things keeping me here are comfort, status quo etc. I am mad about him but it's really diminishing from the bad phases. Damage has been done.

Individual therapy can be damaging to a marriage as, like your husband says, it's a one sided affair. It's therefore easy (subconsciously) to fall into trap of all fault lies with the partner. (Loads on internet about this)
I guess the MC is trying to get to what is causing your husband's quick temper. Is it due to frustration in the relationship? Im not saying it's right, it's just worthwhile exploring what is driving it. Is it a lack of ownership / understanding when there is conflict. If it is a dynamic in the relationship, you bringing up stuff for instance, if you commit to stop, he can commit to stop losing his temper and vice versa.

What I would say is try to be objective about MC as you get out what you put in. If it's not working it may be the MC isn't right for both of you, try another.
It is a hard and exhausting process but you married him for his positives, MC is to help you rediscover those positives that have been dulled by the conflicts.

Relate, by any chance?

Counselling is not recommended when there is abuse. Especially not with Relate as they are notoriously crap on it.

Abusers are very manipulative, they can get the counsellor on side and use the counselling as another opportunity to blame their victim.

The nature of couple’s counselling, which is to consider each POV and encourage each partner to work on themselves, doesn’t work when one person only is a fault!

You are not to blame for his verbal abuse.

Therapist says husband is verbally abusive. Shouldn't therapy involve OP drawing their own conclusions about this with guidance rather than direct input from Therapist?

I see the points you made Raconteur. I know I frustrate and exasperate him for lots of reasons (as he does me). I think he loses his temper because he has a quick temper. I know that sounds simplistic but I think it's true. It's no great secret that he has a temper. He also had a poor role model in his father who is angry and has often been violent...but now I sound like the therapist and I'm not here to psychoanalyse him. I'm here to figure out what to do.

It wasn't Relate. It was a private lady and she seemed nice and calm. To be honest, I don't think my husband was pulling the wool over her eyes. He was being very real. We did it a few years ago and he did that nonsense of charming the counsellor, so I told him if he does that this time, I'm not going back.

I don't know. I think when therapists think it's abuse, they say so. My therapist was all worried he'd hit me until I explained that it's a quick temper rather than coercive control (it's definitely not that, it really is as simple as a quick temper but God, it has me so worn out). I can't imagine how lovely a calm relationship would be.

When the MCer asked him about the shouting, he did say that it's usually after a big build-up, which is strange as it's frequent enough so he must be in a constant state of 'build up.'

In an ideal world MC will after a few sessions identify the causes and how to resolve them. He seems open about the quick temper so perhaps time he took ownership of that and individual therapy to work through the underlying issues. Which you seem to know already given the family background and normalisation of unacceptable behaviour.

Yeah I hope so. I just don't know if I have any fight left in me. I'm 38 and all my friends' lives are moving on and mine feels on hold for this bloody marriage. Didn't think I'd be feeling this way now. The MCer said there are ways to improve our communication but we have to be dedicated to working on it. I couldn't honestly say that I was dedicated to be honest. Maybe I should give it a few more sessions before packing a bag

I hear you. From my perspective it’s completely selfish entitlement. They consider no one but themselves emotionally. Otherwise they are loving, fun, attentive... but only when calm. To stay or go....

Does he lose his temper with colleagues and friends? If yes, he needs to do anger management course. If no, he can control it and just chooses not to with you.

There's a bit of 'selfish entitlement.' I'm a bit blinded by love though, that's for sure. I really do see the best in him. I know you wouldn't think that from this post lol!..but I do.

He has lost his temper with colleagues in the past (has learned to control that now or so he tells me). He has also lost it with more than a few friends and lost friends over it! He loses it less with friends now too but he challenged one friend to 'take it outside' at a stag a few years ago which I found very very upsetting.

What sort of things does he say when he loses his temper? Is it nasty and personal? Some things can't be unsaid and gradually destroy a relationship. Does he apologise when he's been verbally abusive?

That's the thing. He's just saying what maybe anyone would say only shouting it...loudly! He has respect for me etc and doesn't put me down, usually. During our last row, he shouted, 'you're so fucking uptight' over and over and it was over something pretty small. I didn't think it even warranted a row.

He doesn't apologise until I bring it up and that really really pisses me off! He'll always apologise after I bring it up but seems fine just letting it blow over otherwise. I think he just apologises to shut me up!

@Smozzles I am a few months down the line from posting virtually the same question. My relationship sounds like it has similar issues. I had also been told DH was verbally abusive.

One thing I found helpful was being told I could ask for individual sessions - it meant he got one too, but it helped a lot for me to tell her all the stuff I needed to, and meant she backed off the 'what could you BOTH do' stuff...

It has been really tough - I'm betting your DH is as unwilling to admit his issues as mine. But it has helped me to feel more sure my feelings are valid. H has moved a long way from his initial defensiveness and denials too. I can't tell you what's happening in the long term, but I am glad I stuck with it.

Shouting over and over is pretty intimdating and unlikely to enable reasonable dialogue to resolve differences of opinion. Would he consider individual therapy?
Tbh, that sort of regular behaviour can destroy a relationship...

Relationship counselling can be damaging to the victims of abusive relationships. Taking a 50/50 view of responsibility when one party is abusive is inappropriate.

That's good it worked for you @namechanged77. I'm sort of feeling like I don't have the energy for it. Maybe I could just be honest in the MC & say I want out & she can counsel us out & not back in.

I don't want this for life.

Yeah it's intimidating & I ended up being the one to appease him. I love him but I think I might be falling out of love.

He treats me like crap for ages, I eventually convince him to come to couples counselling & then we have a lovely chat of how we are both at fault? Fuck that.

That's how i felt about mc. I thought i knew i should get divorced but then felt I'm 50% responsible because i haven't managed to stop him. Even a sexual abuse (not rape) wasn't seen as 'abusive' because he ws struggling from a dysfunctional childhood.
Do you feel you need to be validated? I'm not sure mc wiĺl ever do that.