Experience of relationship counselling?

[Smozzles]

Howdy! So, my husband and I had our first session of marriage counselling. We're at two very different stages. I have one foot out of the marriage to be honest. He has a quick temper and it's not scary; just tiresome and counter-productive. I've lost a lot of affection for him as a result, even though I still love him and find him attractive...a bit complicated, I know.

After 1 long session (1.5 hours), I feel wrecked. I sort of feel, 'why should I have to undergo all this therapy when he is the one with the problem?' I know that sounds like I'm being a brat but I hope I'm not. I've been seeing an individual therapist for months and the therapist has been calling my husband verbally abusive. My husband says that's because it's totally one-sided and he's not hearing his side of the story. Meanwhile, when I told the marriage therapist that my husband shouts and curses at me, she said, 'and what do you do that's not healthy?' I answered the question honestly by saying I find it hard to let things go. I know therapists have to ascertain what they're dealing with but looking back on the session, I just feel enraged by that. I think my husband needs individual counselling, not marriage counselling.

I also feel depleted and exhausted. Have any of you had a positive outcome from couples' counselling? Do you see its worth?

part of a pattern..yeah that doesn't sound good. What do you mean? I think I know what you mean. It's like I don't trust him? I hate that I don't trust him fully (I don't mean infidelity but more, not trust him to do the right thing or to rely on etc).

Yeah, I take baby-making very seriously. I'd love one but the conditions need to be right first...sadly though, I could miss the boat at this stage.

The sooner you leave him the sooner you can think about other options for becoming a mother Maybe. It takes me a long time to get over things. If I leave DH, it could be years before I'm even ready for another relationship, let alone a baby with another man. I could be wrong but we've been together a very, very long time!

The quickest way to improve your self esteem would be to LTB.

He could well escalate the abuse without any physical abuse: verbally. More of the same: more often, fewer times he’s nice. And you’d be feeling vulnerable and would have far less time and resources to care for yourself.

If you can’t trust him to be a half decent parent in sole charge of DC then the future with him is probably either: (1) no DC and more of the same treatment: (2) having DC and more of the same treatment (or worse) and DC being negatively affected by this; and / or (3) having DC, eventually ending the relationship, perhaps after being scared to leave because you don’t trust him with the DC, then worrying yourself sick every time he has sole charge of DC.

I have two friends in the third situation: one knew what her DP was like but prioritised having DC. She regrets having DC with him because he’s a shit, absent dad and this is bad for the DC. The other had DC before the abuse became obvious.

Thanks...I think he'd be a good father in many ways to be fair to him but I think he could be impatient and quick-tempered. I'm fooling myself to think the temper will just disappear by being mad about a child.

Good point about pregnancy. Maybe he'd feel like he properly 'had' me then. I don't really know what goes on in his mind.

To answer your question, I mostly shout at the kids... in fact dh and I never argue and that's probably not healthy either. We're constantly sniping at each other these days but no, thinking about it I don't shout at him or run him down verbally. If I was doing that I would leave.

If I was doing that I would leave That's an interesting line. I often think that DH can't be happy now either. He's not happy but he'd rather anything than break up. Makes no sense to me.

It's funny how everything can be intellectualised. I've done a lot of intellectualising on this thread but I've just cried for 10 minutes without stopping at the thoughts of never having a baby.

Can you afford to get some eggs frozen to increase your chances of a baby in the future.
I would say that ime most men get worse as they age, it sounds as if his father did, whilst they are younger and achieving in their job they are more cheerful but as they age, if they are that way inclined they get more miserable. Perhaps overlooked for promotion, life CAN be exasperating today, online banking etc, online everything etc, hospital appointments etc. My DH is constantly grumpy, I don't remember him being that at 40.

When I say part of a pattern, I mean part of a pattern of emotional abuse (this article includes a list of signs, I wonder how many your husband does?)

“If I leave DH, it could be years before I'm even ready for another relationship, let alone a baby with another man.”
Of course. I didn’t just mean that, though. I mean, you might meet someone else and have children together either naturally or through adoption. But you could consider the sperm donor route (I’m not saying it’s a magic solution, just that it’s an option).

“I'm fooling myself to think the temper will just disappear by being mad about a child.”
Of course not. I love DS more than anything but I still get angry sometimes. Extreme sleep deprivation and wilful children tend to push parents’ patience more than you imagined possible. I think patience is the number one requirement for parenthood, and your husband doesn’t seem an ideal candidate. Sorry.

@AlmaGeddon

Thanks..great username by the way!

@AnotherEmma

I just read that entire article. Most of it doesn't apply to DH tbh. Some parts to though...lots of impatient people become parents or even work with children but I know, I do have concerns over H's temper and always have...not sure why I've put up with it so long. Really starting to wonder about my self-worth.

Smozzles it's because it's so insidious. It doesn't start out that way. When it's good 98% of the time, you let it go to start with. It's confusing. There's a cognitive dissonance between the majority good and the accasional bad. It messes with your head and then suddenly you don't know how you got to that place. I went through a destructive time being really angry that I let myself be treated so bad. But I didn't have the benefit of hindsight (or MN!).

I hear you...I'm feeling very low today because I'm digesting the reality of a divorce...and I know if I had MN years ago, the divorce may well have happened then...I don't want to sound like an observer in my own life but I just hope I keep moving forward now.

So sorry you're feeling this way. I'm very sad too. I can see the good in my stbex (as i can tell you do in your dh), but in the end he could have done something - apologised/accepted responsibility. I would have supported him but he left it too late and i lost the love and respect (and promised myself i wouldn't let myself be treated like this again). I don't know who i am anymore though. It's been so damaging.
You have so much love to give but he needs to beg forgiveness and demonstrate change. He'd need serious commitment to therapy to do that.

@Itsnotok

Thanks for replying. I'm sorry you feel sad. It's shitty to feel sad when someone else has treated you badly. It sounds like you're far along. I think, based on what you've said, that you've done the hard work of calling off the marriage and now the big priority is saving money and getting yourself in to a position to move out and be independent. I'm sure that'll happen for you.

I can relate so much to how you say that 'he left it too late.' I'm already starting to feel that way even though we've only had one session in MC. One session in MC yet a very long relationship.

I agree that it's damaging.

I agree he should beg forgiveness. Despite everything that's happened, it was me begging him to come for counselling and him refusing to admit he has an anger management issue...this is all just too draining really.

It's hard to break free though. I know I'm still in the thick of things but I've a feeling the next year of my life is going to bring about immense change and it's just a question of how I handle those changes.

When you say you don't know who you are anymore, that makes me sad. I often think the best way to recapture who you really are is to think of yourself as a child! What did you love the most? When were you happiest? What made you laugh? It can be a useful inroad in to finding yourself again.

Thanks. Funnily enough it was me that begged him to go to mc! He only agreed when i said I'd divorce him though. And he still tried to wriggle out of responsibility. He had the councellor fooled🤔.
I hope you get some closure but please don't let him continue to abuse and disrespect you. I've really worked on myself but it's still WIP. I know I see the good in people, sometimes to my detriment.
I am somewhat codependent. Now I understand myself better, I am better at asserting myself. I've done alot of fun stuff this summer and I generally do more for me now!

So sorry you're feeling this way. I'm very sad too. I can see the good in my stbex (as i can tell you do in your dh), but in the end he could have done something - apologised/accepted responsibility. I would have supported him but he left it too late and i lost the love and respect (and promised myself i wouldn't let myself be treated like this again). I don't know who i am anymore though. It's been so damaging.
You have so much love to give but he needs to beg forgiveness and demonstrate change. He'd need serious commitment to therapy to do that.

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THIS......been there, got the T-shirt....each serious relationship that I have had including a 25+ year marriage....

I’m a huge advocate for relationship counselling. If both parties are invested in trying to make a go of things and being fully open and honest I really think it can work.

The first round I had with my ex was very productive and I was able to air all of my grievances and seek objective advice from a third party. It was good for my ex too as our therapist was very good and actually gave us advice and was an active participant which was what we needed. She had no qualms telling my ex when he was in the wrong.

Give counselling a chance. To throw in the towel after one session doesn’t make sense.

Of course it’s natural to pin your hopes on therapy and then have some disillusionment after the first session doesn’t ‘sort things’.

But it’s a process. The therapist needs time to get to know you both, and your dynamic too. Even if you end up separating, it’s worth sticking with the process for several sessions. Get everything said & aired, acknowledge your own issues, etc. It’ll set you up for a smoother transition and more chance of getting the next relationship right.

If both parties are invested in trying to make a go of things and being fully open and honest I really think it can work.

That's the thing. I'm not sure if I'm fully invested anymore even though I think I come across like the more invested one (I've spent most of today on MN & reading relationship articles so I'm clearly invested).

DH has been taking me for granted for a very long time & it'd take a lot to undo that.

Get everything said & aired, acknowledge your own issues, etc. It’ll set you up for a smoother transition and more chance of getting the next relationship right.

This is true. I agree on many levels. I'm angry, disappointed & hurt & I've no outlet for it, so counselling is a good outlet for it. PPs have discouraged counselling when there's any form of abuse but I don't think I'm brave/strong enough to see a separation through without psychological/therapeutic back-up.

But you’ve been seeing an individual therapist, so you do have support for yourself.

I think a bad couple’s counsellor is much worse than none at all. A good one may be able to ease the process of separating but she’s not a good one.

I'll give her another shot as she was so calm and easy to talk to (unlike the one we went to years ago) and see how it goes...

It'll also be interesting to (a) see if DH goes to his counselling session and if so (b) how that goes.

I would have thought that calm and easy to talk to would be the absolute bare minimum requirements for a counsellor! Amazing that you once saw one who wasn’t both those things!

Problem ime was DH not feeling that he is/has a problem.
So DH talked for most of the hour but not about anything emotional when we went together. Can't see what the counsellor was aiming for with that. Didn't go back.

@AnotherEmma

Yeah, we went to a MC who was very much a fiery strict school mistress type. I've often thought of writing her a letter detailing just how damaging she was.

I know you're probably right. I have moments of bravery but I woke up today after two hours sleep and just feel defeated.

@AlmaGeddon

Fair point. We're not due to go back until next week but when we go I'm going to be quite real. For me, the main problem is the damage done and how to repair that (if at all). It's not about making 'I' statements and saying what's in our hearts and all that stuff she could 'teach' us about improved communication. I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and will know for sure after the next session. I'm in work now and I just feel like a wreck! Tell me this gets easier. Coffee will make it better!