Experience of relationship counselling?

[Smozzles]

Howdy! So, my husband and I had our first session of marriage counselling. We're at two very different stages. I have one foot out of the marriage to be honest. He has a quick temper and it's not scary; just tiresome and counter-productive. I've lost a lot of affection for him as a result, even though I still love him and find him attractive...a bit complicated, I know.

After 1 long session (1.5 hours), I feel wrecked. I sort of feel, 'why should I have to undergo all this therapy when he is the one with the problem?' I know that sounds like I'm being a brat but I hope I'm not. I've been seeing an individual therapist for months and the therapist has been calling my husband verbally abusive. My husband says that's because it's totally one-sided and he's not hearing his side of the story. Meanwhile, when I told the marriage therapist that my husband shouts and curses at me, she said, 'and what do you do that's not healthy?' I answered the question honestly by saying I find it hard to let things go. I know therapists have to ascertain what they're dealing with but looking back on the session, I just feel enraged by that. I think my husband needs individual counselling, not marriage counselling.

I also feel depleted and exhausted. Have any of you had a positive outcome from couples' counselling? Do you see its worth?

Your responses really help me. Thank you. I know I do things to piss of DH. I know I'm not an angel or a perfect human. What I do know though, is that I have the ability to stay calm and I'm good at conflict resolution. DH is destroying our marriage with his anger because it's making me feel I can no longer trust him. I also worry about him, that he'll lose it with someone else and get himself in real trouble some day.

@Smozzles - I can understand the 'therapied out' feeling, but would definitely say you should have your own session with this counsellor. If she's any good she'll be able to use what you tell her to inform future joint sessions.

For me it has taken six months for DH to admit his anger issues. That wouldn't have happened without the sessions. Whether it is enough after everything is a different matter.

Smozzles,

You already have one foot out of this marriage; I would suggest you let the other one join it. You are wasting your time here in doing any form of joint counselling. The abuse you have suffered at his hands is very damaging. Abuse is not just physical and such men too can and do mess with boundaries. Abuse is about power and control and this man wants absolute here.

No more joint counselling; its never recommended anyway when there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Also such men can and do easily manipulate counsellors all too easily.

It will therefore not ultimately be successful.

In order for couples counseling to be successful, both partners must be willing to take responsibility for their actions and make adjustments to their behaviour. Abusive people want all of the power and control in the relationship and will focus on maintaining that imbalance, even if it means continuing unhealthy and hurtful behavior patterns. Such couples counseling fails because of an abusive partner’s focus on manipulating the sessions to place blame, minimize the abuse, and attempt to win over the therapist to their side. If the therapist tries to hold the abusive partner accountable for these tactics, they will often refuse to attend further sessions and may even forbid their partner to see the “biased” therapist again. The abusive partner may even choose to escalate the abuse because they feel their power and control was threatened.

Abuse is not a “relationship problem.” Couples counseling may imply that both partners contribute to the abusive behaviour, when the choice to be abusive lies solely with the abusive partner. Focusing on communication or other relationship issues distracts from the abusive behaviour, and may actually reinforce it in some cases. Additionally, a therapist may not be aware that abuse is present and inadvertently encourage the abuse to continue or escalate.
Both partners should feel and be safe in order for therapy to be effective. A victim may not feel safe with their abuser present and could be hesitant to fully participate or speak honestly during counseling sessions. Alternatively, a victim may have a false sense of security during a session and reveal information they normally wouldn’t disclose. Then, back at home, the abusive partner could decide to retaliate with more abuse.

Womens Aid are well worth talking to here and I would urge you to contact them asap.

You are not responsible for him or his actions. What he has also done here is try to get you to become responsible for those too, the you made me do it shtick. He is not that different from all the other abusive men I have read about on here over the years, infact your abuser is following the same old script. Look at his parents too OP, what are they like. He in all likelihood learnt this a long time ago at home.

Your H will not change, this is who he is. You can only change how you react to him. Staying in this marriage will in all likelihood further diminish you as a person from the inside out. I also think that it is when you are fully free of him will you come to realise the full extent of his abusive treatment towards you.

I'm in marriage counselling and it took a good few sessions before he started calling out DH and had been harder on me.
I realised that if he was too hard on DH before we had built up a rapport with him (the counsellor) DH would have got defensive and possibly refused to go back. Maybe give it a bit longer?

Thanks namechanged77...the problem is she said that in the individual sessions we wouldn't be talking about each other because that could create worry and lack of trust. I have my own therapist for talking about my own issues so I don't need her for that. Unless I said things like, 'I feel so sad (because of H's temper'. 'I feel so worried (because of H's temper).' I don't think that'd fly with her though.

To be honest, watching my ex peddling his wares to the couple counsellor and her gullible response, although it made me upset and furious, was a step on the journey to leaving for me. He thrived on it. After several sessions, with him getting cockier and cockier between appointments, I went to the final one and said I was done with the counselling and wouldn't be back. I left them to talk to each other.

Abuse too is about power and control. It is not about communication or a perceived lack thereof.

Your therapist frankly sounds utterly dangerous and has no knowledge or understanding about the dynamics of abuse whatsoever. I would not attend any more sessions with this person under any circumstances. Is this person also registered with any governing body?. If so I would report this person.

I should say good MC can help you decide to leave too.

Smozzles

Your posts are a salutary note also to all those women who are thinking about embarking on couples counselling with their abusive partner. Its not working here and it won't work either; such men after all are more often than not master manipulators and you are not in any position anyway to be entering into joint counselling with such an individual.

Thanks for the responses. AttilaTheMeerkat, you do raise some pertinent points. H has made a little more of an effort since the counselling. He bought me flowers the other day because I had casually mentioned in counselling that he hadn't done that in 10 years!

His father is an angry and violent man (not always obviously). He's been in prison for assault and is a raging alcoholic. He's never one to run in the opposite direction from a pub brawl. It's pretty text book where the temper has come from. I don't want to sound pathetic but that makes me feel a little sorry for H. I do think there's a kind soul in there but his conditioning (even though I know he's 38) has really messed him up royally.

I do see what you're saying though. I've seen him control his rage when he knows the neighbour's car is there and she can hear and I've even said it to him. I'm not afraid of him but I'm tired of this dynamic.

Haireverywhere that's a good point about winning his trust. That's very true. If he thought she was favouring me in any way, he wouldn't go back. It's good to know you're finding it helpful. A previous PP said her DH has changed completely from individual therapy so maybe there's hope yet. We'll see. I was very honest in the first session. I did say that I felt worn out.

I got the impression that she was going to centre future sessions around improved communication instead of digging in to our issues. I'm not sure if that's what I'm after! I could get that in a google search!

Frankly, the therapist sounds shit.
Stop the counselling or get a different one.

Your therapist frankly sounds utterly dangerous and has no knowledge or understanding about the dynamics of abuse whatsoever. I would not attend any more sessions with this person under any circumstances. Is this person also registered with any governing body?. If so I would report this person.

Really? Yeah she's registered with BACP and was above board with privacy statements etc. Tbh, she was very calm and measured and I thought it was a good approach. However, she asked us outright if either of us had any addictions or if there was any abuse in the relationship. As if an addict (unless they're in recovery), is going to say 'Yeah I'm an addict!' Also, when she asked if there was abuse, I had already mentioned DH's shouting and she said, 'I know there's the shouting but any big incidents of abuse?' That made me feel like I was making a mountain out of a molehill.

The thing is though, I don't feel like DH is this monster. I really feel like he's a man with a very short temper. I do think there's a difference. I read one thread on here about emotional abuse and I felt lucky to have DH!

That’s a very good point about maybe the therapist is ‘getting him on side ‘, I would give it at least a few more sessions with an open mind. But from what you describe if there’s any hope for you as a couple , it’s only if he has undividusk counselling to control his temper and makes various commitments to you such as apologising every time he shouts at you, or a couple of key friends ( so it’s not just about you)

or a couple of key friends ( so it’s not just about you)

Fair point! He lost one friend over it about 10 years ago. I felt so sad about that. DH had basically been lashing this fella out of it every time they played soccer and the guy just couldn't handle it. He's generally much nicer to his friends than me though

After several sessions, with him getting cockier and cockier between appointments, I went to the final one and said I was done with the counselling and wouldn't be back. I left them to talk to each other.

Well done, bastardkitty! We went to a hopeless therapist in the past and we just stopped going. I think now I'd do exactly what you did. Much better that the therapist actually know how you feel.

Abuse too is about power and control. It is not about communication or a perceived lack thereof.

I completely agree with this! Anyone who knows me knows that communication is my forté. I'm good at communicating. If she tries to go down the road of making us better communicators, I might have to politely explain that I don't see that as the issue.

Smozzles, you are going to come a cropper here particularly if you keep on going to joint counselling at all. Its not going to work. .

What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What lessons did you learn, in particular did you learn the one that you have to see nice or to see only their very best potential in every person?. I actually think this man targeted you and deliberately too because he saw something within you he can and has indeed exploited.

Those flowers you received from him were "apology flowers"; that should cut no ice with you either.

I would still report this counsellor all the same. This person is not really fit to counsel couples when it comes to abusive relationships because of the lack of understanding of the power and control dynamics. She could inadvertently do a great deal of harm here to you.

Your H indeed learnt of damaging stuff about relationships from his own parents and he has simply transferred all that crap to you. This is why you are now on the receiving end. He does not want counselling, your help or support. He simply wants someone to blame, anyone but his own self here.

I would end the joint counselling immediately, its not going to do you any favours at all. This person as well as your abuser could do her bit here to further give you spaghetti head and otherwise tie you up in knots.

It wasn't so easy because things got worse during counselling and much harder for me. But yes I put a stop to it. Attila is giving you appropriate advice. The counsellor's approach to checking for abuse was woeful and dangerous. She needs to understand that she is lacking in knowledge and experience and she needs to do further training. It's interesting that your H gave flowers. Was there a sentiment that came with them, or just a cheap gesture? Did he tell the counsellor?

Your H indeed learnt of damaging stuff about relationships from his own parents and he has simply transferred all that crap to you

This is true, Attila. DH has a good mother. She left his father when DH was a teenager & she takes no crap now! DH's father really was awful to his own family yet a charmer in the wider community. In his sifter days, DH admitted to inheriting this.

As for the flowers, he left them on the counter & when I got home from work he asked me if I'd seen them. I wouldn't be surprised if he told the counsellor! We've only had one session with her & he'll see her alone this week. Next week we're scheduled to go back together.

softer